that which will probably only ever make sense in my head, but even then
ugh i just have so many feelings right now i kind of want to throw up
first of all its sort of just hitting me right now how hard it's going to be to juggle school (which is already fucking impossible and sososo much work that thinking about it makes me want to completely shut down) and working like 19 hours a week. also having a driving lesson that starts at the same time as my shift on thursday ends just makes me want to cry. it just feels like too much to juggle and i feel so uneasy about it.
also last night at a party this guy had his arm around me the majority of the time and he kept running his hand up and down my side and pressing into my hip and stuff, and it's funny because i've been in the same position with the same guy last year at prom. i don't know, i could tell he wanted to hook up with me, which was weird and foreign but also something i kind of wasn't too down for. he kept getting props from people, which made me feel like a conquest rather than a person. eventually, when my cab was on the way, he suggested we wait out front and i got the feeling of oh here it comes. and yup, here it came. we made out lying down on the front lawn with a cat watching us, laughing into his lips, weird weird weird. not bad, but not right, exactly. it was fine, and i was okay with it - but it's one of those things whose repercussions you fear the moment it ends. and i don't understand why it's torn me up emotionally, but i think possibly because i constantly crave that kind of human contact, but i'm sick of it being meaningless, or with people i don't have feelings for/emotional connections with. i want something real, already. i don't know. i'm thinking about it too much and it's making me feel even less at ease.
maybe that's because of the fucking baby angel from work who is perfect and adorable and taking 5 classes instead of 7 this semester oops i don't know if i want to cuddle him to death or just ravage him. it's weird. i don't have romantic feelings for him but i still think about him? it's possibly also because i really want to fall in love, and the first week of school sort of brings about this feeling of hope and excitement that i don't know how to sort through in addition to every other whirlwind of shit going on right now. and when i look around there are simultaneously so many opportunities and so few, and i'm just waiting for my sun to shine yada yada, and i don't necessarily want baby angel to be It but. you know? my feelings for him are confusing as hell. my feelings in general are confusing and i hate them.
and also my coworkers went out and kept asking each other "if they were coming tonight?" and i felt left out. what else is new. i just want to be accepted and loved, god dammit.
this is probably the least sense i've ever made in my life but i seriously needed to get this out desperately or risk imploding.
it was impossible for me to fall asleep last night and i don't know if that was from the redbull or all these feelings that i have that are just hitting me all of a sudden. anxiety which probably revolves the smell of old beer, and how the crowd of people from last night are a crowd of people i thought i'd sworn i'd never hang out with again, and how i made out with a guy who wanted me more than i wanted him, but not because it was him; because it's someone else, it's always someone else. even though i don't know who that someone else is. which is even more confusing. because i can feel that someone else, lurking around the corner, i just don't know where to look first.
maybe this is all a bit of the hangover. but i've had an acidic feeling in my throat and a hurricane in my stomach since 3AM and i don't know how to make sense of it.