I Am Philosopher, Hear Me Think
The same blood of the earth flows through all of our veins. Yet, some of us consider our blood richer and purer than others. We are all as pure as the universal essence we come from, only tainted by our desires, our egos, our pain, the pain we inflict, our disrespect, whether it is lack of self respect, lack of respect in general, or both, and the impurities of humanity.
How about a little bit of understanding, tolerance, peace, love, and empathy? Will I be any happier with a Maserati and a private jet to Santorini while I get to drink some Cristol champagne and eat beluga caviar? No, I will find myself self consumed and too absorbed in the material world. I will want more, I will lose myself, and I will lose my sense of down to mother earth humanity. I am already struggling as it is, with my wicked ways of consumer instant gratification. Coffee, fast food, throw some toys at the baby, apparel, gadgets, make my house look pretty, sweets and foods my body can do without, I am already losing a part of myself and my focus to the materialistic obsession of society.
Every day, I set forth on two shaky legs unsure, lost, and confused. Where do I belong, why do I not feel that I belong here, what is my purpose, what am I here for? I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I never know what I'm looking for in the first place. I am looking for a feeling and a state of mind. There is no place on this realm of existence, no object to desire or obtain, no one person who can give it to me. No material thing will satisfy me. Satisfying society will not satisfy me.
U2 is great music to philosophize to. :) I'm tired of being afraid of what you people out there might think of me. I am tired of trying to be what you might want me to be. By all means, Namaste, I respect the spirit within you. Please respect the spirit within me too.
I have lived too much of my life being troubled and unhappy. My life has been depressing, kind of in a funny way, almost like a demented sitcom on a universal television set. I can just imagine the gods on Mount Olympus watching and laughing over what a character I am and all of my mishaps. Zeus and Odin are probably conspiring together to see how funny it would be to hit me with lightning. I finally realize, I do not want to be unhappy anymore. I am amazingly intuitive and philosophical. This has helped me get by all the way through up until now. Like I have just said to a friend:
"We all have our sufferings to go through, but life is fucking beautiful and those things can't get the best of us, there will be nothing left of us otherwise to enjoy those things in life there are to cherish if we let suffering destroy us you know?"
Yes, I am struggling. Yes, I am crying a waterfall of blood on the inside. Yes, I am tormented and haunted. Yes, I am in deep pain and suffering. Yes, I am traumatized and I relive the past experiences of my afflictions and the abuse I endured daily. Please don't judge me. Please have understanding. I am trying so hard, I am doing my best to pull myself together, I love you all, I really do, you beautiful people. Don't assume I am a lolo wahine, crazy woman, because you see me fighting with the demons of negativity and depression. Give me some bit of the understanding I have been so willing to give to you. Show me that there is good out there and not everyone is out there just to mutilate my sense of there being any good in the world.
I have already almost taken my own life, I have already almost died trying to escape, and I am having trouble understanding why I woke up, why am I here once again, how do I justify my being here? I dreamt of the way that I had almost died recurrently when I was a young child. The dreams ceased to be after it happened. It actually lessened the shock for me because I felt a strange familiarity and understanding of the situation. Was it some sort of fate?
Does fate, serendipity, karma, and kismet actually exist? Are you all here for a reason? Why do some of the people out there inflict misery? Why are there sadists, masochists, and sadomasochists? Why does there have to be a level of negativity in order to keep the universal equilibrium of positivity and negativity? Why do bad things happen? Why do children have cancer? Why are people diseased and sickly? Why are people abused and neglected? Why do people have to go hungry and die in the cold? Why does poverty exist? Why is it that unless we go through some sort of suffering, we do not appreciate the endeavor of humane improvement? Why can we not grasp the concept of appreciation unless we can grasp the concept of misfortune? Where are all the answers? Take me to heaven if there is someone out there that can answer me.
"I'm not afraid of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company
I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere, baby
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
I will not forsake, the colours that you bring
But the nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing
I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me
I still listen through your ears, and through your eyes I can see
And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough, and you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now... my oh my
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Oh love look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm till you discover how deep...
I wasn't jumping... for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better now
You're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along the stony pass
It's just a moment
This time will pass
-U2, Stuck In a Moment You Can't Get Out Of
I Am Philosopher, Hear Me Think by Jin L. Nordquist is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.