Dreamt of you
I'm not going to name names, but the person I was dreaming of knows who he is. He and I were walking along a city like place. We decided to kiss, it was the nice kind of kiss, sensual and soft with tongue (our first kiss was a lot more awkward than this was!). We went somewhere and all of a sudden, these people were attacking us. He held me close to him and protected me with his own body, but refused to fight. He was being a pacifist. After the whole ordeal, I got pretty angry about it all and went after them myself, and picked a fight. When I got back, my pacifist friend was stiff and upset with me for fighting back.
I am just so taken by how perfectly tailored to my wants, needs, and desires he is. He is creative, philosophical, intuitive, deep, loves everything I love people to love and love myself, is a writer and makes beautiful music, seems understanding, tender, respectful, and honest, and is gorgeous to boot. My god, I'm not supposed to obsess? It's hard. I do try to direct my attention elsewhere. When I look at Ben and Brandon, or some other nice, good looking boy though, I shake my head and think to myself, they're not him, they can't be. I also try to stay emotionally detached. It is so hard. I end up acting so weird to him and I bitch slap myself afterwards for it. I just can't talk to him while I'm focusing on trying not to like him too much, when obviously, I am quite smitten. He doesn't like that though, and I should pull back. God this is complicated. I don't want to give myself away and I am afraid to have something good for just a little while, only to completely lose it because of some stupid mistake on my behalf because I happen to be a piece of shit person not worth knowing. It is a very, very real possibility that the more I see him, I might start to be more than just fond of him There. There is the truth for you, Jordan.
I feel similarly with my friends too. I am so hesitant to get to know them and have them get to know me. (I am flipping out so bad by now, yes, I've just been out for a cigarette, with one of those lovely friends...) I am starting to open up a little bit more, and thinking to myself, wtf am I doing? But I enjoy them, I like them, and I'm not really a piece of shit person not worth knowing am I?
Just because I fail the test tomorrow shouldn't mean that I am a miserable failure that desrves a bullet in the head or anything. Need to keep telling myself that. This is psychotic test anxiety. I want to sit here and cry in my beer. When I get extremely frustrated, I seem to develop an odd craving for booze and cigarettes... The smell of cigarettes... I can take a good whiff of it and get obsessive over cigarettes...
Such chaos! My life is going through a very odd phase. I am trying to find myself, embrace the beautiful things of light, get on the straight and narrow path, feel like a real live human being with a life to live, find purpose...
I've sifted through the ashes and pushed back the curtain of denial. I realize I have been violated, taken advantage of, tormented, misled, and dragged through hell. I also realize that it is behind me and my life can go on. Time to grow up. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. I can do this. Me, the frazzled, frumpy, broken down mess. I can rise above.
I want to fall in love, I want to find a place where I belong, and I want my life to be directed along a majestic, sunshiney path it loves to walk down. I want to be someone. I want to have a purpose that is right for me. With or without love, I can live, as lonely as miserable as life wants to make me, I can still work hard until I give out. I know I live every day wondering and feeling like maybe one of these days I will close my eyes and never open them again, my breath will give out, and I will no longer see this world through carnal sight ever again... It makes me consider meaning... It fills me with a longing, a deep desire, to experience the soul of everything, and gives me a bittersweet sense of mortality.
I am just so taken by how perfectly tailored to my wants, needs, and desires he is. He is creative, philosophical, intuitive, deep, loves everything I love people to love and love myself, is a writer and makes beautiful music, seems understanding, tender, respectful, and honest, and is gorgeous to boot. My god, I'm not supposed to obsess? It's hard. I do try to direct my attention elsewhere. When I look at Ben and Brandon, or some other nice, good looking boy though, I shake my head and think to myself, they're not him, they can't be. I also try to stay emotionally detached. It is so hard. I end up acting so weird to him and I bitch slap myself afterwards for it. I just can't talk to him while I'm focusing on trying not to like him too much, when obviously, I am quite smitten. He doesn't like that though, and I should pull back. God this is complicated. I don't want to give myself away and I am afraid to have something good for just a little while, only to completely lose it because of some stupid mistake on my behalf because I happen to be a piece of shit person not worth knowing. It is a very, very real possibility that the more I see him, I might start to be more than just fond of him There. There is the truth for you, Jordan.
I feel similarly with my friends too. I am so hesitant to get to know them and have them get to know me. (I am flipping out so bad by now, yes, I've just been out for a cigarette, with one of those lovely friends...) I am starting to open up a little bit more, and thinking to myself, wtf am I doing? But I enjoy them, I like them, and I'm not really a piece of shit person not worth knowing am I?
Just because I fail the test tomorrow shouldn't mean that I am a miserable failure that desrves a bullet in the head or anything. Need to keep telling myself that. This is psychotic test anxiety. I want to sit here and cry in my beer. When I get extremely frustrated, I seem to develop an odd craving for booze and cigarettes... The smell of cigarettes... I can take a good whiff of it and get obsessive over cigarettes...
Such chaos! My life is going through a very odd phase. I am trying to find myself, embrace the beautiful things of light, get on the straight and narrow path, feel like a real live human being with a life to live, find purpose...
I've sifted through the ashes and pushed back the curtain of denial. I realize I have been violated, taken advantage of, tormented, misled, and dragged through hell. I also realize that it is behind me and my life can go on. Time to grow up. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. I can do this. Me, the frazzled, frumpy, broken down mess. I can rise above.
I want to fall in love, I want to find a place where I belong, and I want my life to be directed along a majestic, sunshiney path it loves to walk down. I want to be someone. I want to have a purpose that is right for me. With or without love, I can live, as lonely as miserable as life wants to make me, I can still work hard until I give out. I know I live every day wondering and feeling like maybe one of these days I will close my eyes and never open them again, my breath will give out, and I will no longer see this world through carnal sight ever again... It makes me consider meaning... It fills me with a longing, a deep desire, to experience the soul of everything, and gives me a bittersweet sense of mortality.