18 well, fuck me.

Nov 06, 2005 22:23

I am so everfucking creeped out by how I've SUDDENLY DISCOVERED that everything in my life is connected. EVERY SINGLE THING. The present is connected to the past even though I thought otherwise. Everybody I know knows everybody else I know. And things happen in long strings of time connected by pieces of scotch tape and my poor shattered heart and I don't even have any idea they're happening or have happened until I find photographic evidence on xanga or myspace. EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE IS CONNECTED. In strange, mysterious, spider webby kind of ways. Creeped out:

1. Yesterday I found out that Courtney knows Ryan. They lived in the same apartment complex from 1997-2002. She used to hang out with this kid and tell me stories about him (it's quite possible I even met him once or twice) and now I work with him every fucking day of the week. CREEPED OUT. I fucking found my eighth grade yearbook & looked at his seventh year picture. Why the fuck should that happen? I went to school with this kid, and apparently since 1998. Huh?? Dude though. BOO. I had this image in my head of what person he was, My Ryan: dorky, corny, smiling and watching me count down my drawer Ryan, manager at the bagel place, that sweet kid who offered to make me a cinamon-sugar bagel dog when he knew I was sad about Grant's death - and now I know it's all crap. Or at least I know what he used to be, which is a jerk and incidentally also a pothead. It doesn't mix well and it makes my tummy hurt. Or maybe that's just my head.

2. Luis told me this morning that he remembered Grant. WOW, makes sense, since he was in the same class as Grant, Jason, and all them at Plano West. 2005. I felt comfortable thinking of him as just some random person I knew from work, but no. I must have watched him walk across the stage at '05 graduation at some point!!! How random! Luis also says the reason he knew I was at the funeral is not because Ryan told him but because someone we apparently both know saw me there and told him about it. But he wouldn't tell me who it is. Whatever though. It's completely possible that there's some random, unknown person Luis and I have in common, because before about forty hours ago I thought I had nothing in common with Ryan or Luis other than that we're a little too into bagels.

3. This was the kicker. Just now, I found this girl on myspace who knows Grant. Cuz I was looking at his space (just before he left, he posted a final photo and a suicide note in poem form and I was re-reading it - so smart and healthy for my emotions) and I looked at some of his friends. And I found



That girl was in Einstein's on Friday afternoon. I must have been the one who rang her up. She's wearing Ryan's fucking nametag.

You know what this is? It's f-ing Plano. I've got to move.
I'll go puke now.

P.S. I didn't mean to do this now/tonight, because work today was fucking FANTASTIC and that is what I should be updating about, but I've ruined it all by being on the internet when I should be sleeping and ending up all emo and creeped out. You know what? Tomorrow I'll update about it as if I never even wrote this. Super. Good plan. Good night.

fuck this shit!, courtney, grant, ryan, einstein's

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