Southwestern Eggrolls: Gateway to Homosexuality? (TO, Ryan/Michael)
Title: Southwestern Eggrolls: Gateway to Homosexuality?
Fandom: The Office
Pairing: Ryan/Michael
Spoilers: Bits of S2
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 727
Summary: Ryan and Michael go to dinner. Then, maybe weird things.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
*
"He once hooked up with this girl who looked exactly like Shania Twain. Oh, wow. That Pac-man. Can you believe it? Always gobbling up women like they're those... food things that Pac-Man eats. On the game. You know."
Michael laughs at his joke-that's-not-really-a-joke as Ryan takes another bite of a Southwestern Eggroll. He's vowing to never again go out to dinner with Michael and trying to remember why it was that he agreed to this dinner in the first place. Maybe Kelly was around when Michael extended the invitation and it gave Ryan a good excuse not to watch AmTop (whatever that is) with her.
Or maybe Ryan is just a masochist.
"I'm gonna have another Margarita," Michael says, using two rolling Rs. "Want one?"
"No. No, thanks," Ryan replies.
He tries to eat the rest of his Michael-approved Triple Dipper Dinner as fast as he can while Michael leans forward and starts to tell a joke about three nuns.
Three horny nuns.
This, Ryan knows, will be great.
His mind's sarcasm is proven to be appropriate.
*
Outside of Chili's, Ryan is trying to say goodbye to Michael as politely as he can, but Michael keeps prolonging the conversation with comments like, "I think you have a real great future at Dund-Miff, man" and "Dude, did you see that thing the other night?"
"Yeah. I can't believe he did that," he says, just to hear Michael's response.
"Yeah. He's... crazy."
"I don't know. I can see why he did it. Can't you?"
Michael's expression turns strangely serious, which Ryan initially takes as embarrassment. But then Michael moves closer. And closer. And, before Ryan can even consider backing away, he's receiving the most awkward kiss he has since he was twelve years old and Rachel Parker was afraid of his lips getting stuck in her braces.
It's over as quickly as it began. Ryan's glad the cameras aren't there to capture the mask of gay panic his face must be.
But, then again, it's not really Ryan's fault that he's terrified. Most people would be after getting a kiss from Michael.
"We're not going to have sex," Ryan blurts out. "No."
"Duuuur." Michael laughs, awkward and fake. He doesn't meet Ryan's eyes. "I'm not gay. Not even for you, Ryan."
Ryan doesn't know what to say to that. He calls Michael a cab and waits with him for it to arrive.
But he waits from several feet away.
*
Ryan tries not to think about Michael kissing him, but there is no late night TV capable of erasing that memory. He needs to repress, repress, repress, but all he can see in front of him is Michael moving toward him, an unnerving neediness in his eyes. Things move in slower motion every time and, with each replay, he's more convinced that he will never be able to see anything else, ever. Holidays, weddings, movies, sex, everything will be tainted by the decelerating continuum of Ryan's unwanted brush with homosexuality. The last words he'll say before he dies will be, "Michael, I don't feel that way about you."
He hopes his family doesn't puzzle over that one for too long.
But the more Ryan thinks about Michael and the sudden kiss, the more he can picture himself falling into a relationship with him the way he did with Kelly. Ryan's barely concealed contempt is there, as is Michael's willful ignorance of said contempt. All that's needed are a few dates (that Ryan would only recognize as dates in retrospect) and a series of blowjobs, and Michael would be announcing their love to the office.
"Don't be afraid," he'd say to his blank-faced workers. "Love should never be scary. Not even for the people watching."
Then, Michael would touch him (maybe stroke his cheek or run his fingers through his hair), and his co-workers' faces would melt into visages of horror and/or amusement.
Ryan could no longer be a guy in the background; even after he left, they would remember him as the guy Michael made sweet, sweet love to. Dwight would get jealous in his own creepy way. Kelly would back off, at least. Or maybe she would fight for him and the romantic apathy he used to feel only for her.
It would be so sad in so many ways.
The next morning, Ryan calls in sick to work.
END
Fandom: The Office
Pairing: Ryan/Michael
Spoilers: Bits of S2
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 727
Summary: Ryan and Michael go to dinner. Then, maybe weird things.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
*
"He once hooked up with this girl who looked exactly like Shania Twain. Oh, wow. That Pac-man. Can you believe it? Always gobbling up women like they're those... food things that Pac-Man eats. On the game. You know."
Michael laughs at his joke-that's-not-really-a-joke as Ryan takes another bite of a Southwestern Eggroll. He's vowing to never again go out to dinner with Michael and trying to remember why it was that he agreed to this dinner in the first place. Maybe Kelly was around when Michael extended the invitation and it gave Ryan a good excuse not to watch AmTop (whatever that is) with her.
Or maybe Ryan is just a masochist.
"I'm gonna have another Margarita," Michael says, using two rolling Rs. "Want one?"
"No. No, thanks," Ryan replies.
He tries to eat the rest of his Michael-approved Triple Dipper Dinner as fast as he can while Michael leans forward and starts to tell a joke about three nuns.
Three horny nuns.
This, Ryan knows, will be great.
His mind's sarcasm is proven to be appropriate.
*
Outside of Chili's, Ryan is trying to say goodbye to Michael as politely as he can, but Michael keeps prolonging the conversation with comments like, "I think you have a real great future at Dund-Miff, man" and "Dude, did you see that thing the other night?"
"Yeah. I can't believe he did that," he says, just to hear Michael's response.
"Yeah. He's... crazy."
"I don't know. I can see why he did it. Can't you?"
Michael's expression turns strangely serious, which Ryan initially takes as embarrassment. But then Michael moves closer. And closer. And, before Ryan can even consider backing away, he's receiving the most awkward kiss he has since he was twelve years old and Rachel Parker was afraid of his lips getting stuck in her braces.
It's over as quickly as it began. Ryan's glad the cameras aren't there to capture the mask of gay panic his face must be.
But, then again, it's not really Ryan's fault that he's terrified. Most people would be after getting a kiss from Michael.
"We're not going to have sex," Ryan blurts out. "No."
"Duuuur." Michael laughs, awkward and fake. He doesn't meet Ryan's eyes. "I'm not gay. Not even for you, Ryan."
Ryan doesn't know what to say to that. He calls Michael a cab and waits with him for it to arrive.
But he waits from several feet away.
*
Ryan tries not to think about Michael kissing him, but there is no late night TV capable of erasing that memory. He needs to repress, repress, repress, but all he can see in front of him is Michael moving toward him, an unnerving neediness in his eyes. Things move in slower motion every time and, with each replay, he's more convinced that he will never be able to see anything else, ever. Holidays, weddings, movies, sex, everything will be tainted by the decelerating continuum of Ryan's unwanted brush with homosexuality. The last words he'll say before he dies will be, "Michael, I don't feel that way about you."
He hopes his family doesn't puzzle over that one for too long.
But the more Ryan thinks about Michael and the sudden kiss, the more he can picture himself falling into a relationship with him the way he did with Kelly. Ryan's barely concealed contempt is there, as is Michael's willful ignorance of said contempt. All that's needed are a few dates (that Ryan would only recognize as dates in retrospect) and a series of blowjobs, and Michael would be announcing their love to the office.
"Don't be afraid," he'd say to his blank-faced workers. "Love should never be scary. Not even for the people watching."
Then, Michael would touch him (maybe stroke his cheek or run his fingers through his hair), and his co-workers' faces would melt into visages of horror and/or amusement.
Ryan could no longer be a guy in the background; even after he left, they would remember him as the guy Michael made sweet, sweet love to. Dwight would get jealous in his own creepy way. Kelly would back off, at least. Or maybe she would fight for him and the romantic apathy he used to feel only for her.
It would be so sad in so many ways.
The next morning, Ryan calls in sick to work.
END