A broken Father's love.

[michellecares]

Yesterday, I saw for the very first time my ex-husband put someone ahead of his daughter in the most dramatic way. I will never understand why when men get new girlfriends that the only person feelings that matters is the new girlfriend. Especially, from a relationship that has only been going on for three months and not the whole time during that

Comments

[macaholic]

(Written before I saw your comment about father-daughter counseling etc. That provides additional clarification but doesn't materially change my opinion.)

OK. Now I understand. Thanks for clarifying.

I disagree that he is putting his girlfriend before your daughter. Instead, he is doing exactly what he has been doing - putting himself before you, your daughter and anyone he thinks is in his way. (I include his new girlfriend in that in as much as you said he has lied to her as well.)

In short, based on your description of his behavior, he shows all the symptoms of narcissistic behavior (you might want to look it up within a psychological context for a better understanding of what this means). All of his behavior, described in this and your other writings, show that he is only concerned about what he wants. And, apparently, he will lie even in the face of contrary evidence (for example, lying about your seeing his girlfriend even though he knew you had seen him with him).

He is treating you very disrespectfully. Duh! He is treating your daughter as if she is his property. Worse he is hurting the both of you by using her as a bludgeon to hurt you, and by also using his girlfriend as a bludgeon to hurt you and your daughter.

Basically, it (everything) is all about him. I'm willing to bet that, if you were to plan for your daughter to visit you in Florida, that that would interfere with his plans, thus engendering his anger.

All that said, you do need to tread a bit lightly if he is unstable or prone to violence. Otherwise, keep that in the back of your mind while you live your life as you want to live it, because what I am going to suggest is surely going to push his buttons.

Your ex was a jerk, no matter how well he treated you personally during your marriage. He is being a complete jerk now that you are almost divorced.

You said your daughter is an adult. Let me repeat that. Your daughter is an adult. that means he has absolutely no right to control her life, including who she can and cannot see - you included. Nor does he have any right to tell you where you go (including the town he lives in) and who you see and spend time with - particularly your daughter.

Now, unless he owns the legal system in your town, you have every right to visit your daughter without fear (assuming he is not violent). And, you don't have to inform him of your plans, even out of courtesy. So, do what you want. If he does not like it, tell him to "fuck off."

Now, as I pointed out, your daughter is an adult. Her relationship with her father is her responsibility. As long as you don't try to control that, all should be fine. If he wants to be a jerk and tell her that she cannot see you, she should grow "a pair" and tell him that she - an adult - will do as she wants.

If you both do this, and continue to do it (stand up to his behavior and do what you want), you and your daughter can have a good relationship. If you do, with time and seeing that he can't get away with ba having badly, she might have a good relationship with him. (I don't see how it can be good now.)

If you both behave like adults and do what you want together, let him throw his temper tantrums - that's what they are after all. Let him be passive-aggressive. As long as you don't let it affect your behavior it no longer becomes your problem. It becomes his - which is what it should be. Don't continue to enable his bad behavior.

Finally, if you and your daughter go and do something together, let him behave like a jerk about it in front of his girlfriend. You will be doing her a big favor - assuming she can see it for what it is.

One last caveat. If he can be violent, tread lightly but still make plans with your daughter and carry them out. It just may mean you do it in Florida.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

If you find yourself unable to stand up to your ex, you might want to talk about that with a mental health professional. And, suggest the same to your daughter.

[michellecares]

He does not hit. He works in other ways. It's funny you used the title of narcissistic behavior. I just recently gave that title myself to him. He is seeking counseling, because I think he realizes now that he might lose his daughter altogether if all this keeps up. Plus he must play hero and I am sure it's been twisted that it is something he is doing for our daughter. He even tried to act like she was having emotional problems, so it justified his behavior somehow. She was very cool and adult through it all. He was the only drama queen.

My daughter and I already are making plans now. She now realizes all these years he has used his sorrow and lies to keep her from coming down here.

I have had counseling. He can't hurt me and that is part of the problem. He can only make me hurt for my daughter, but she has to deal with that. I can't fix it.

Thank you for your advice. This sounds like I am not strong, but I assure you I am. Was week and gullible at some points in my life, but not now.

I actually feel sorry for the GF. He puts up a great front for a long time.

He is trying to back track now, because the whole situation has made him come out as the bad guy... I am not changing my stance. Now that she is willing to work with me, I don't need to be there.