Depressed...
Already having bad thoughts going through my mind about Chris. I
feel like he might have used me. Like everyother guy. He
might not have, I don't know. So many thoughts are going through
my head. I've been treated like crap by guys. Never been
fully respected, and never been treated how a lady should be
treated. I'm just scared that Chris might be like all the other
guys. Just only wanting sex.
I know that we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend...its just I'm scared that I'm going to fall totally head over heels for this boy, and he is going to keep leading me on until he finds someone better, someone closer...
Oh God, I hate the distance.
I hate being alone, because then I think about things...like my fears.
Look at me now? Already stressing over this fantastic boy.
The man of my dreams. He is so perfect for me.
*He is just a tad big taller than me, perfect for kissing, hugging, and cuddling.
*He has a fantastic sense of humor. I'm always laughing.
*He loves to cuddle
*He is affectionate
*Great taste in music
*He is so cute
*I could just look at him, and not say anything because there is no need to.
That is how amazing it is. Its to good to be true. When I usually meet someone I try and pick out there flaws, and with him there is none. Just the distance...
I am so pathetic. I really am. This is probably nothing to worry about, but naturally I will.
I love being in love but I hate it.
I was talking to my ex Alex today, and he told me that he is so ready to grow up. He is ready to start a family. I asked him how come and he said that he wants his mother to have a grandchild before she passes on. Alex is almost 18 how can he even think of things like that? He wants a girlfriend that is around 20 or a girlfriend with a child, because they are mature. So I ask him what made him change his mind about being single and having meaningless sex...and he told me that its because he wants a long term relationship now, that the next girl that he dates will probably be the one he will marry. Wow...is all I could think. How can anyone think of marriage now...spending the rest of your life with someone...being faithful to that one and only one...that is so scary to me. Yea I know that I'm only 18, I'm still very young...but this is when people start to couple up and start doing these crazy things. For example Kiki and Kyle, and Mimi and Jasen. My two best friends, and they both are madly in love with their boyfriends and can see themselves marrying them. That is so scary. Then I look at myself and I have no one. What the hell is wrong with me. I'm so scared of rejection. Someone could be so bluntly about their feelings for me, and I still could not tell them how I feel. I'm scared that they might just be saying that to my face but thinking something else.
I'm so scared of lies.
On the subject of having no one. This is what I don't get. "Michi your so cute!" "You could have anyone that you want" and shit like that. If you guys are going to tell me that stuff then how come I don't have anyone? And when I do get someone it gets fucked up with sex.
I love sex but I hate it.
I crave it so much. Its so addicting, and I want to have it all the time, but it always fucks things up. And I'm so pathetic I always give in. I might say no ahead of time, but when it comes down to it, I can't. I always give in.
Oh sometimes I hate myself...
I know that we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend...its just I'm scared that I'm going to fall totally head over heels for this boy, and he is going to keep leading me on until he finds someone better, someone closer...
Oh God, I hate the distance.
I hate being alone, because then I think about things...like my fears.
Look at me now? Already stressing over this fantastic boy.
The man of my dreams. He is so perfect for me.
*He is just a tad big taller than me, perfect for kissing, hugging, and cuddling.
*He has a fantastic sense of humor. I'm always laughing.
*He loves to cuddle
*He is affectionate
*Great taste in music
*He is so cute
*I could just look at him, and not say anything because there is no need to.
That is how amazing it is. Its to good to be true. When I usually meet someone I try and pick out there flaws, and with him there is none. Just the distance...
I am so pathetic. I really am. This is probably nothing to worry about, but naturally I will.
I love being in love but I hate it.
I was talking to my ex Alex today, and he told me that he is so ready to grow up. He is ready to start a family. I asked him how come and he said that he wants his mother to have a grandchild before she passes on. Alex is almost 18 how can he even think of things like that? He wants a girlfriend that is around 20 or a girlfriend with a child, because they are mature. So I ask him what made him change his mind about being single and having meaningless sex...and he told me that its because he wants a long term relationship now, that the next girl that he dates will probably be the one he will marry. Wow...is all I could think. How can anyone think of marriage now...spending the rest of your life with someone...being faithful to that one and only one...that is so scary to me. Yea I know that I'm only 18, I'm still very young...but this is when people start to couple up and start doing these crazy things. For example Kiki and Kyle, and Mimi and Jasen. My two best friends, and they both are madly in love with their boyfriends and can see themselves marrying them. That is so scary. Then I look at myself and I have no one. What the hell is wrong with me. I'm so scared of rejection. Someone could be so bluntly about their feelings for me, and I still could not tell them how I feel. I'm scared that they might just be saying that to my face but thinking something else.
I'm so scared of lies.
On the subject of having no one. This is what I don't get. "Michi your so cute!" "You could have anyone that you want" and shit like that. If you guys are going to tell me that stuff then how come I don't have anyone? And when I do get someone it gets fucked up with sex.
I love sex but I hate it.
I crave it so much. Its so addicting, and I want to have it all the time, but it always fucks things up. And I'm so pathetic I always give in. I might say no ahead of time, but when it comes down to it, I can't. I always give in.
Oh sometimes I hate myself...