The Hourglass
Often when I speak to my peers on the affects of aging, I'm told of many things lost. Lost options with women, lost friends, lost opportunities, lost vigor, and lost passion. I've also been told of accumulation; accumulation of pain, accumulation of regret, an accumulation of doubt and a accumulation of unworthiness. I look upon their faces and can feel these things creeping up, taking a hold of their minds. Creating devils and shadows only they can see.
When I think about how age has affected me I don't feel those things. Not because I'm immune to these ideas, but on the contrary I've always felt them and I've learned how to live with them. Friendships were never easy to come by, as I can be an abrasive individual. Some would even say combative and argumentative. The romances in my life were often short lived and ended in disaster. Opportunities usually fell short to some degree, many set backs and calamities have extinguished many of them. I've never been a particularly passionate man and my vigor was usually reserved for things and not people.
What I have accumulated overtime is grit. I have grit in abundance. I will always find a way. There's levels in which I'm willing to dwell to make what needs to happen, happen. Do I feel pride in the way in which I've acquired this trait, no. Actually much of my suffering is the catalyst to this product. Do I wish to suffer, of course not. Nobody wants to suffer. But, in my limited experience it's the only way to gain it.
Doubt is tricky. I believe doubt is only possible when there's room to think. I doubted myself most in my youth. When I had the most idle time. As time has progressed there just hasn't been time for doubt. There's no time to think of if I fail then the circumstances would be dire. Problems often come like a fast paced wrecking ball and I need to move. I'm guessing in surviving so much doubt doesn't cognitively make sense.
Unworthiness is tough. What exactly am I worthy of? Men of great wisdom and intellect have found themselves dead in a hovel. Penniless, loveless, and forgotten. While building and finding some of the most important discoveries to humanity. How do I as a man measure up and then expect anything but death really? I haven't been able to answer that question. Maybe with time I will do enough to feel like I am worthy of something. If I wish to be worthy of anything I think it would be peace.
As I sit here still aging I don't feel bound by the days moving by so much as I feel like it's another log on the fire. I don't wish for the fire to end but, it's just another log really. Not a bad log, not an excellent log, just another one to keep the fire going. Maybe that will change in time. Really depends on how much time I have left.