next to you
I'm walking along the beach when the sky is a silent steel, and I think about proximity. The sand is vacant in all directions, the water runs into little pools where my feet fall. Staring back at me to the south is a gunmetal cloud. Too close. It's dangerous to be here, on the shore, in the face of a storm, but here I know I am alone in my thoughts with only the waves to witness the expressions on my face.
The distance between two people. So much is determined by the amount of nothingness, air, breath, clothing... the number of miles, walls, letters, couch cushions.. existing within those spaces that separate us. Little touches, long touches. The curve of a shoulder against my temple, the warmth of a hug, cool fingertips on my cheek, a grip on my arm, a palm on the small of my back. Basic human need.
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I love the days when we're on the bed, and we're clean, and you're doing something like reading, and I'm sitting cross-legged at the foot of the mattress while you're reclining head-to-pillow-and-upright. And I'll be on my phone, texting people, and you start laughing at something funny in the book and I'm all "What's so funny" and even though it wouldn't take much to give me a ten-second synopsis, your eyes never leave the book, and you run your tongue over your top lip and bite your bottom one and you keep reading without even looking up at me once, and I get annoyed just like you wanted, so after frowning at you, I toss my phone aside, unfold my legs and crawl over to where you are so that my head is level with your collarbone and we both smell like soap and from my vantage point I can see the page you're on, but by this time, your smell has already intoxicated me and the feel of your legs against mine has distracted me and when I raise my eyes to look at you, your chest is rising and falling in tempo with mine and you've licked your lips again and it's at that moment - when my heart freezes from the way you've filled my senses to the brim - that I know you've seduced me without even trying.
And it scares me how fast I'm falling, falling so hard for you, for someone who won't be there to catch me. No matter how different I want things to be... all I can do is write about how I can still find beauty in our situation despite the cruelty of a love unrequited.
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I'm on my knees now, and it's momentary sensory deprivation because the grains of sand are pressing into my skin but I can't feel them. I'm sitting on my heels and waiting for a way to make it all easier, a way to dull the saudade and the acute blend of passion and shame that won't leave me alone, but nothing comes.
All I'm left with are bloodied kneecaps and salty cheeks because I need you so much closer.
The distance between two people. So much is determined by the amount of nothingness, air, breath, clothing... the number of miles, walls, letters, couch cushions.. existing within those spaces that separate us. Little touches, long touches. The curve of a shoulder against my temple, the warmth of a hug, cool fingertips on my cheek, a grip on my arm, a palm on the small of my back. Basic human need.
-----
I love the days when we're on the bed, and we're clean, and you're doing something like reading, and I'm sitting cross-legged at the foot of the mattress while you're reclining head-to-pillow-and-upright. And I'll be on my phone, texting people, and you start laughing at something funny in the book and I'm all "What's so funny" and even though it wouldn't take much to give me a ten-second synopsis, your eyes never leave the book, and you run your tongue over your top lip and bite your bottom one and you keep reading without even looking up at me once, and I get annoyed just like you wanted, so after frowning at you, I toss my phone aside, unfold my legs and crawl over to where you are so that my head is level with your collarbone and we both smell like soap and from my vantage point I can see the page you're on, but by this time, your smell has already intoxicated me and the feel of your legs against mine has distracted me and when I raise my eyes to look at you, your chest is rising and falling in tempo with mine and you've licked your lips again and it's at that moment - when my heart freezes from the way you've filled my senses to the brim - that I know you've seduced me without even trying.
And it scares me how fast I'm falling, falling so hard for you, for someone who won't be there to catch me. No matter how different I want things to be... all I can do is write about how I can still find beauty in our situation despite the cruelty of a love unrequited.
-----
I'm on my knees now, and it's momentary sensory deprivation because the grains of sand are pressing into my skin but I can't feel them. I'm sitting on my heels and waiting for a way to make it all easier, a way to dull the saudade and the acute blend of passion and shame that won't leave me alone, but nothing comes.
All I'm left with are bloodied kneecaps and salty cheeks because I need you so much closer.