Against All Odds
This mission has an extremely unusual twist for a PPC mission. I won't spoil it by saying more. This is another thing that was done two years ago, that I am just now updating to the LJ.
Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to the original assassins, Jay and Acacia. We just have Permission to share in this great world. Stargate Atlantis was created by Brad Wright and Robert C. Cooper. 2.473 Billion to One, http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4240718/1/2473_bbillion_b_to_one , belongs to darkmoore05. (Seriously you should go read this story). This is a review that contains elements of parody and satire (directed at ourselves in this case).
Beta credit goes to Data_junkie and Phobos7
(Author's Notes at the end)
Previous Appearance: Fifteenth Mission: Re-Run
Against All Odds
Cali woke up slowly. He was in a soft bed with warm covers. Then he realised that he wasn’t in his room, and he wasn’t alone in the bed. He opened his eyes as far as he could, and saw Cadmar beside him. Her arm was draped over his chest.
“You came to see me?” he whispered.
Cadmar jerked awake beside him, looking around blearily and shaking her head. “Hunh? What?”
“Sorry I woke you up. I’m glad you came to see me,” Cali said.
Cadmar sat up and yawned. “Of course I did, especially after I heard what happened.” She smirked at him. “Taking on a Canon character who beats the crap out of rooms full of mooks by himself, and WINNING, no less!”
“Heh. Yeah, winning. I played dirty,” Cali said morosely.
Cadmar frowned a bit. “No, you were smart. Superman is technically cheating all the time when he uses his powers, even if they are natural. It’s the same with you.” Here she raised an eyebrow. “Though I don’t remember hearing you say you could see in the dark.”
“I never thought it would actually help me in a fight. The canon gave me that chance, though. If Michael hadn’t resisted the wraith long enough for it to get distracted by Miah, I’d never have gotten the chance.”
Cadmar rolled her eyes and rolled on top of Cali and looked him in the eyes. “You. Won. A. Fight. You get it? And I know everyone is proud of you for doing so, especially Miah.”
Cali smiled, then winced when he realized that smiling hurt. “I get it. Does this mean I get special My Boyfriend Is A Hero treatment?”
Cadmar tilted her head and puzzled for a minute. “Nah, you get the ‘My Boyfriend Is Injured’ treatment. It involves me making sure you get back on your feet, and giving you lots of reminders you got yourself hurt and made me worry.”
“Aww. I was hoping for the ‘Let’s go read The Book’.” Cali did his best to make puppy dog eyes at Cadmar.
“Were you trying puppy dog eyes... with sunglasses on, and with black eyes?” Cadmar giggled. “Definitely not reading the book now.”
“If I tried--Nevermind. I guess reminders it is,” Cali said.
Cadmar smirked. “Darn right. So, you STILL haven’t told me about the whole seeing in the dark thing!” she said in a singsong voice.
“We-ell, didn’t you wonder about how I can move in your dark RC wearing dark sunglasses? I’ve always been able to see in the dark. I didn’t realize it was special until I was about eight.” Cali tried for a mischievous grin. “I can see other things, too.”
“Oh? Do tell,” Cadmar said, interest gleaming in her eyes.
“You’re immune to teasing in this mode, aren’t you?” Cali shifted in the bed. “I see EM fields.”
Cadmar tilted her head again. “Well, that would be a very situational power.” She gave her arms a rest and just collapsed on him. “...So, what do they look like?”
“Kind of like auras?” Cali said, as if not entirely sure. “It’s usually handy when Tesla is being sneaky during a mission wrap up.”
“So, is that what... attracted you to him?” Cadmar asked punnily.
“He’s just so sexy, and naughty, and still somehow makes me feel bad over how he’s treated sometimes.” Cali gulped. “Um. I-I-shouldn’t h-have--”
Cadmar started laughing. “Oh Cali, not getting my jokes.” She caught the slightly scared look on his face. “Hey, Hey! Listen! Don’t clam up on me, I won’t care if you say you think someone is sexy!”
“I think you’re sexy,” he said, blushing a bit.
Cadmar blushed and visibly relaxed. “A-her... Thank you! I’m serious though, don’t feel afraid to complement people around me. If it helps, I think Maria is sexy. Do you?”
Cali stopped blushing. “When she’s not in the suit.”
Cadmar snorted. “Of course. See? Being open about these things totally helps avoid any of those silly plots in fics about being jealous of someone for bad reasons.”
Cali nodded.
Just then, Lillian walked up to them. “We have one more treatment before you leave, Cali,” she announced as she handed Cadmar a note. Cadmar took the note with a slight frown and sighed in annoyance at what she read.
You have had a whole night off, Agent Cali! Get back to work! -The SO
“Well... Damn,” Cadmar said simply.
Cali took the attached mission assignment from Cadmar. “Hmm. Stargate Atlantis. Rodney/Sheppard mpreg. It says you’re supposed to go with me.”
Cadmar smiled. “Looks like it won’t be...” She broke off. “Almost jinxed us. C’mon, let’s head back to my RC and grab some stuff,” she said as she offered him a hand.
“I did win that fight, right?” he said, carefully stretching his sore muscles.
Cadmar grinned. “You won in the best way possible.” She moved to his side and looped her arm with his. “Don’t you agree?”
He froze in his stretch, then leaned against Cadmar. “Absolutely.”
* * *
“Are you dressed yet?” Cali asked for the third time since Cadmar had disappeared into her room. The door was usually hidden behind a small mountain, or a large pile depending on who you asked. While usually hidden, all one had to do was moves a small portion of the pile to get to the door, which blended in with the rest of the shadowy generic surface.
Cadmar cursed from her room, which was located behind a lump of almost identical cat suits, and other assorted clothes. “No! This stupid bloody bra won’t go on!”
“Um, you, uh, want some help?” Cali asked.
Cadmar made a few noises. “Yes. But ah, probably best if it was someone else. No offense, of course! Just ah... well, you’ve already seen me half naked, and I’d rather avoid having anything unfortunate happen...”
“Aww. It was worth a try, right?” Cali said mock-sulkily.
Cadmar barked out a laugh. “Hah! Yeah, I’da done the same thing... well, if you were genderbent, that is.” Some more sounds of struggling. “Gah! I hate changing these! Stupid sports bra, being impossible to roll off or on!”
“I’d keep my eyes shut...”
“... Fine.”
“Seriously? All right!” Cali closed the door to the room so fast that Cadmar jumped.
“Yah!” Cadmar jumped and whirled around throwing a sloppy punch at him.
Cali managed to get his arm up in time to take the punch there instead of on his broken nose. He fell back against the door. “Hey! Wh...” He trailed off as he realized Cadmar was topless.
Cadmar quickly retracted her fist and put her arms behind her back. “Gah! Sorry, Cali! You just scared me! And Maria has been teaching me how to fight, and she likes to jump out suddenly!” she explained in a panicked voice. She bounced nervously the entire time--something Cali was very aware of.
“It’s o-o-okay. Um...” Cali stammered and sort of vaguely pointed in the direction of Cadmar’s chest.
Cadmar yelped and turned around again. “A-a-ah, geez! And here I was trying to avoid all this stereotype crap...”
“We could just, uh, skip all the mis-understanding parts,” Cali said as he stood up and walked over to Cadmar.
Silence settled over the main room of the RC--but only for a brief time.
Access Denied
The RC door opened and Miah and Maria walked in. Both of them looked a bit worried. “Do you think they came here?”
“I would hope so,” Mark said from behind them. “Good day, Miah. I trust you are feeling well?”
“I am. I went to Medical to pick Cali up, and Lillian said he’d left already, so I was looking for him.”
Maria peeked in and sniffed. “Yeah, I can smell them in here, but...” She sniffed a few more times. “It’s weird...”
“Weird how?” Mark asked as he entered and looked around.
“I don’t see them,” Miah said, walking further into the gloom of the RC.
Maria kept sniffing, now crouched down like a cat. “Hmmm. Over here,” she said as she began walking, still like a cat, deeper into the RC.
“Isn’t that Cadmar’s--maybe we should leave them alone,” Miah said slowly.
Maria tilted her head and wagged her tail a bit. “Hmmm. That’s no fun. Plus, we don’t want something unfortunate to happen.” Maria’s voice held something else that Miah couldn’t place, and Mark didn’t seem to notice.
“I really don’t want to--” Miah was cut off.
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
Maria yowled loudly and jumped. A pair of yelps were heard from inside Cadmar’s room, and some rough cursing and threats. “It looks like they were in there,” Mark said.
Miah hit the button to silence the console, and checked the read out. It simply said:
Now, agents.
“Now? Now, what?” she asked.
They heard a door click open behind a huge pile of laundry. Cali walked out blushing, and with a huge grin on his face. His shirt was on inside out and backwards. The white tag was clearly visible against the black material.
Cadmar followed him, wearing the same tanktop she had worn when they all had played Truth or Dare. She looked at them suspiciously, but grinned ferally and winked anyway.
Cali read the message on the console. He reached out absently as if he expected to have something within easy reach of the screen. When nothing came to hand, he looked around, blushed to the tips of his ears, and ran back to Cadmar’s room.
Cadmar cackled as Cali ran back into her room. “Hey guys, what brings you back here?” she asked like one would ask about the weather.
Maria shook her head. “At least you have the decency to use your room. But fooling around while you’re supposed to be on a mission? For shame!”
Mark looked curiously at the door. “Why have I never seen your room?” he asked.
“Because I only let Maria and Cali in,” Cadmar replied.
“What do you think she’s hiding in there, Mark?” Miah said, winking at Mark.
“No doubt she has some bodies stashed, and probably several names carved into the wall. I would also wager that she has some kind of crazy messages written in blood..”
“Mmm hmm. Well, in that case, I guess I just need to sneak a peek at the trophies she keeps,” Miah said.
Cadmar pouted. “Maria won’t let me. She says it stinks up the place, and makes her hungry.”
Just then Cali arrived back on the scene. He had his armor on, but his shirt tag was still sticking out in the front. “We ready to portal, Cadmar?” He was avoiding eye contact, or what passed for it when one continuously wears mirrored sunglasses.
Cadmar smiled and grabbed the bag sitting on the chair in front of the console. “Yeah, disguises are already preset for SGA personnel.” She picked up a P90 and tossed it to Cali. “We have our guns, and I have the spare ammo.”
Maria smiled and wrapped Cadmar in a hug. “Have fun!” She then lowered her voice. “And ah, you haven’t....”
Cadmar blushed and shook her head a small bit. ‘No, I told you. Not going to do anything like that.”
Maria nodded in satisfaction. “Okay, just making sure.”
Cali missed this interaction in his haste to get through the portal and away from the other agents.
Cadmar followed after only a few seconds, and stood next to Cali in the Generic Space, waiting for the fic to start. “Hey. You okay?”
Cali smiled sheepishly. “Yeah. How about you? You in trouble with Maria?”
Cadmar shook her head. “Nah. You’re not... embarrassed of me, right?” she asked uncertainly.
“What? No. No way! Its just we were-- and they-- and the BEEEEEEEP--”
Cadmar nodded. “That’s good... I would understand, of course...”
Cali flustered for a few more moments obviously trying to figure out what to say. Then he beamed one of his superhero smiles at Cadmar. “Do you need any more help with your bra?”
Cadmar blinked at the sudden change of mood, before twitching. “... No.”
An awkward silence fell over the two, and just before it became so bad that Cadmar was about to scream in fury, the fic started. The Prologue began scrolling by them, ascending slowly upwards, looking similar to the ones used in Star Wars.
Prologue: When the Ori destroyed Earth, a secret evacuation had been going on for several months. A few hundred thousand people had been sent through the Stargate into the Pegasus galaxy, settling into new lives on different planets all around. They were scientists, artists, people from all cultures, countries and races. It wasn't enough, never could be, but it was all they could do.
Soon, Atlantis had become the connecting point between all the new Earth settlements and the Atlantis expedition did a fine job in helping make the refugees feel at home in the Pegasus galaxy. Life was as good as it could be, considering the circumstances, once the Wraith finally weren't a threat any more.
Cadmar gawked at the credit roll. “Um... isn’t that already an episode or something?”
Cali looked confused. “I don’t remember an episode like that. This actually sounds like a surprisingly well thought out premise for an AU. That always makes it hurt worse when they mess it up.”
Cadmar nodded and looked at Cali, subtly frowning. It was fine and dandy if he wanted to use his silly fake smiles, that was his business; but when they were trying to be serious... Cadmar’s train of thought was cut off by the scene around them changing from the Generic Gray to one of the labs in Atlantis, where Rodney was tiredly drinking a mug of coffee.
“Well, it’s not so unlike Rodney to pull late nights shifts,” Cadmar indicated over to Rodney, where he was mulling over his current situation.
Rodney began the story with an ominous retrospective: that no matter the odds, he should not have dismissed his instincts as being nothing more than missed meals and overwork.
“Those lines sound pretty Rodney-like,” Cali said. He looked over at Cadmar. He was pretty sure that she was annoyed with him for not answering her earlier.
“He was always so worked up over the other scientists breaking things... No wonder he’s always so stressed,” Cadmar commented with a small sigh. “Poor over-worked guy...”
“Cadmar... Your eyes are... sparkly. Why--ohmigosh--McKay!” Cali began fumbling in his pockets for a shot of anti-Lustin.
Cadmar giggled a bit, and shook her head. “No I’m not... he’s just so sex...Urgh.” Cadmar clutched her head. “Okay, maybe I am...”
“Here. I got a supply, just in case, after Miah told me what happened in your mission together.” Cali quickly applied the hypospray to Cadmar’s neck.
Rodney stood up, but almost passed out due to his hypoglycemia. He grabbed a fruit and cereal bar from a drawer and ate it, washing it down with coffee that he said had an oddly metallic taste to it. Cadmar grimaced. “Sorry about this... I’m not sure why you aren’t offended or anything...”
Cali re-loaded the hypospray, and put it back in his pocket. He waved Cadmar out the door to follow Rodney to the messhall. “I’m really not.” He looked as if he was about to say something else, but changed his mind, and beamed another megawatt smile at Cadmar. “Have I ever told you about the time that Miah got an overdose of glitter and chased me through the halls making kissy noises and calling me Tony DiNozzo?”
Cadmar snorted a laugh and looked away, hiding her momentary look of anger. “Nope, I don’t think so. Though I’m sure it was fun for you,” she said slyly, so as to not have him think she was jealous or something. She tightened the grip on her P90 as they entered the Cafeteria and sat near McKay. She really hated Anti-Lustin. The stuff killed all lusty feelings, sure, but it always left her feeling down.
“Dude, she’s like almost old enough to be my mom! And that was the mission we rescued the kids from. It was, um, interesting.” He took a tray and loaded it with sandwiches, juice, fruit, and coffee.
“Oh right, you guys have kids. I keep forgetting that part.” Cadmar snorted and checked the sights on her gun, aiming it around. “They confused why daddy isn’t dating mommy?”
“I’m only seven years older than the oldest one--Hannah. I’m more like a big brother or an uncle. It would be--Helen is more mine, but I still have to leave her in the Nursery.” He pushed the fruit around in his cup, and took a drink of coffee. “This is some really good coffee. Why is McKay thinking it is all metallic and burnt?”
Cadmar shrugged and tried the coffee. “Eh, seems okay.”
“Check out the words, Cadmar,” Cali said.
He knew if he pissed off his husband too badly, John would find means to make him regret it. Even now there was the definite possibility that John would read him the riot act about working late, making him wait or not spending enough quality time together.
Cadmar visibly started. “Him and John are married? Well, I suppose with the context of having a kid, but still...” She sighed deeply. “Better take a C.A.D reading.”
“Okay.” Cali put his sandwich back on his plate and retrieved his CAD.
[Rodney McKay--canon character--Stargate Atlantis--OOC 6.21%--Why are you wasting my time with this?]
Never would he have imagined the love that shone out of John's eyes or the tenderness John treated him with. Maybe it had been because John had been so restricted by 'don't ask, don't tell', but Rodney had been taken by surprise at how openly affectionate John was once it was revoked. He loved Rodney and had no problems whatsoever showing just how much he meant to him.
“Look at that. This thing has got to be broken,” Cali said shaking the CAD. It didn’t change it’s reading, so Cali tossed it back in his bag. “Do you have one with you? Oh.” Cali started shoving sandwiches into his pockets. “He’s gone now. We’ll have to wait for the scene change.”
Cadmar and Cali fell into a silence, and Cadmar suddenly wanted to bang something against something else. A small ripple ran through the area, with no other noticeable effects. “Ummm... was that it?”
“I-I’m not sure. It could have been the scene change, but it didn’t throw us around, and I’m not feeling queasy.” Cali looked around. The scenery had shifted around them. They were now sitting at lab tables. Rodney was hunched over a laptop working. Sheppard was just entering.
"Hey, whatcha doin'?" John Sheppard sat down on the workplace beside Rodney's laptop with an easy sprawl, grinning playfully. Rodney rolled his eyes at him, knowing if his husband was in this mood, he was up to something.
“Alright, C.A.D time,” Cadmar said as she pulled her CAD out and pointed it at Sheppard.
[John Sheppard--canon character--Stargate Atlantis--OOC 5.35%-- What? I get to live past one reading?! Joyous days!]
"Hm, let's see. I'm in my lab, working on the laptop. There are equations on the screen and I am typing. What does it look like? I'm working. In fact, I'm quite busy, so shoo, go away" he said sarcastically, waving at John dismissively.
“Is it just me or is there something really odd going on with this fic?” Cali asked.
“Well, it sorta sounds like the dialogue was ripped from an episode... a really whacked episode, but still.” Cadmar looked over to John and Rodney and felt a small pang of wistfulness.
“I’m sure I’ve never heard that particular dialogue on an episode, but it sure does sound like them--if they were in this situation,” Cali said, watching the scene continue to unfold. “Whoa! That is an awesome way to deal with the Wraith. Put them to sleep and then blow them up. That sounds pretty plausible, actually.”
Cadmar nodded. “Yeah. I guess the Wraith would be starved enough to think they can take Atlantis. Though, I wonder why they go with nukes instead of drones?”
“Maybe they ran out?” Cali said, shrugging. “It’s a good point though. They seem to have a pretty good relationship, what with making sure they spend time together, and all.”
“Yeah...” Cadmar winced slightly. ‘Spending time together and being themselves, rather then hiding, not that I’m not doing the same...’ she thought.
"Fine, fine, you do that. Now, go away or I'll never get done here. Don't you have to go fight some hive ships? Busy here, remember? See you at dinner." With that Rodney focussed on his laptop again, pointedly ignoring John.
“How can they still be so normal, and be together? I thought... Nevermind.” Cali followed Sheppard out of the room. He went directly to the Infirmary where Carson was hooking Teyla up to monitoring. Cali hung back near the entrance, until Cadmar trailed in, then he leaned against her.
Cadmar smiled slightly, and was about to speak, but decided against it. A peaceful silence was better than an awkward sentence. For now, at least.
It lasted just until the scene shift took them to McKay and Sheppard’s room. A thought bubble had formed above McKay’s head, showing the agents his dream.
"That's the last of them," John announced as he looked over the few civilians that had stepped through the Stargate just a moment before. The horizon collapsed and Rodney felt a pang of pain as he watched the people take in their surroundings in wide eyed awe. "How many of them are there?" he asked silently. John's voice was grave when he answered Rodney, "Not enough…"
Cadmar and Cali hid in the closet now that the thought bubble had burst with the end of the dream. Rodney, after waking from the nightmare, got up for something to eat, as he mused on the changes he was experiencing. Fatigue and lack of energy being the first and foremost, followed by his sudden and seemingly random loss of blood-sugar.
Cadmar frowned and squinted. “That’s... that seems familiar.”
“You know... if you put it with the metallic coffee taste... it’s a pretty good description of possible early pregnancy symptoms. I guess Rodney is the lucky mpreg “mother”,” Cali said still leaning into Cadmar.
Cadmar shivered. “Just the idea kinda gives me the willies...”
“Yeah. Doesn’t sound fun. Scene change coming up,” Cali said straightening up and standing away from Cadmar.
Cadmar frowned grimly, and stood straight, looking like she was a proper guard. The two agents then found themselves in the infirmary, where Rodney was going to finally see someone about his strange symptoms.
"Hello, Rodney. What brings you here? Are you alright?" the doctor asked, concern audible in his voice.
"I'm not sure. That's why I'm here." Rodney hesitated. This was so damn hard. He took a deep breath and looked Carson straight in the eyes, willing his friend to understand that he was truly worried this time. "I've been having some strange symptoms. Carson…I think there is something seriously wrong," he said tonelessly, trying to keep the tremors that threatened to overwhelm him out of his voice.
“Rodney is not whining? He must be really concerned,” Cali said. “You hungry? I stole some sandwiches earlier. We could hide in the storage room while we wait.”
Cadmar mulled it over, and then nodded. It wasn’t like the fic was going anywhere. Or at least anywhere bad, anyway. “Sure.”
Carson's eyes grew wide. Rodney knew that the lack of sarcasm and whinging he usually displayed said how serious he was.
When they had closed the door to the closet, Cali said, “Did you see that? Carson knew. This fic is on top of this stuff. I wonder where it goes wrong?”
Forty five minutes, several sandwiches and forcibly non-serious conversation attempts for Cadmar and Cali, and several blood samples and a dozen screenings later, Carson finally found the answer. And it wasn't what either of them had expected.
“I wonder what they did expect?” Cadmar asked idly, while looking deep in thought.
“Cancer? Heart disease? Autoimmune? Those seem like the biggies to get people scared,” Cali said as the scene shifted around them. It left them in Sheppard’s office.
John rubbed his eyes tiredly with the heels of his hands before shutting down the file he'd been reading. Or rather, trying to read since he hadn't been able to concentrate on a single word. He couldn't stop himself from thinking about Rodney. Something was seriously wrong with him lately but John couldn't quite figure out what, exactly. It wasn't the usual overworked, tired and annoyed behaviour Rodney displayed quite frequently, but something else. Something that was unsettling John in ways he wasn't used to.
“I’m glad it isn’t cancer, this has the right set up, sorta. But all the angst...” Cadmar boredly put her P90 away in her bag and drew her cleaver out, and began tapping it lightly against the side of her leg.
“Nice knife, Cadmar,” Cali said, but he was staring a bit higher.
Cadmar’s brow furrowed for a moment. “Knife? Hah!”
Marrying Rodney had been the best decision he'd ever made. He didn't regret a single second he had spent with Rodney as part of his life. Sure, he could be loud, irritable, blunt, arrogant and annoying, but somehow that was what John liked best about him. He was painfully honest and refreshingly sarcastic and John enjoyed watching him talk a mile a second, waving his hands about and working one miracle after another.
“He really knows Rodney, doesn’t he?” Cali said, moving his gaze to Sheppard.
“Yeah... knowing your partner must feel nice.”
While both agents were left to their thoughts, John silently mulled over all of the strange occurrences that had happened recently. First Rodney refusing to travel himself to the planet where they grew their coffee to fix a shield generator, then refusing to visit the planet his sister was on. Rodney had stopped going through the gate altogether, despite having grown to love the adventures they went on.
“We don’t do we? We--” Cali’s moment of seriousness was interrupted by the fic’s scene change. They were in Rodney’s office where he was printing out a mysterious letter for his husband. Above his head was a thought bubble displaying a flashback.
"It was a 2.473billion to one chance that I was actually going to get impregnated, Carson," he fumed. "Don't tell me that you thought it was ever gonna happen! This is ridiculous…completely insane! I can't believe this is really happening. Honestly, what were the chances? No, don't say it, I know…one in 2.473 billion. Damn it, not even I was paranoid enough to think this kind of thing would happen - ever!"
Cadmar snorted. “Now that’s a Rodney-like reaction to hearing that you are pregnant. Man, he keeps it together. I’d be freaking out and probably losing it.”
Cali shook his head, as if to clear his thoughts, “Oh, yeah. Yeah, that is very like Rodney.” He drifted back to the idea of knowing your partner.
Cadmar smiled faintly and began tapping her cleaver slightly faster as Rodney began to rant further about being pregnant. “Hehehehehe. It’s fun to see people all riled up, Maria was totally right!”
“About what?” Cali asked, still looking a bit distracted .
Cadmar giggled a bit. “That seeing someone fuming or ranting is fun. It’s why I like seeing you get all dark and assertive.” Cadmar’s face twitched slightly when she realized she may have said too much.
“You like me to be assertive?” Cali ducked his head.
"I should have known it. I really should have, you know? Sheppard. It's all John's fault. Only he would be able to beat the odds on this. He and his ATA sperm. Damn it." Then something else occurred to him. Rodney felt all the blood drain form his face. He must have turned white as a sheet.
Cadmar snorted out a laugh, and hid it as coughing as Carson shot them a look. “Hah.. haha... Man, Rodney fills in the angry pregnant chick role well.” She pulled out the CAD again and quickly scanned the characters, receiving similar results to last time. She grumbled in response.
“CAD still says they’re good? I’ve never seen anything like this,” Cali said.
“Yeah... I’m kinda curious as to how the whole pregnancy thing will turn out, what with being a guy.” Cadmar upped the tempo of her cleaver tapping again, as the fic temporarily disappeared and a series of thoughts and memories of Rodney’s skimmed past their eyes. Rodney taking the prescribed medication from Carson, and bitterly accepting the restrictions of being pregnant, and also the dangers, with himself only having a small chance for survival.
Before long, the fic reappeared around them. The agents found themselves in Rodney and John’s private quarters. Cadmar and Cali quickly ducked into a closet and closed the door behind them, peering through a small crack.
"You care to explain what that is?" John snapped, thrusting a sheet of paper at his startled husband. Rodney sighed inwardly and looked at John with as much patience as he could muster. At least they were in their private quarters for this conversation.
“Why wouldn’t he just tell Sheppard? That would be the sensible thing to do, wouldn’t it?” Cali asked guilelessly.
Cadmar made a thinking noise and shifted, so she was using the top of Cali’s head as a head rest while looking out of the crack. “He is the first male in forever to be pregnant, something so impossible that NO ONE expected it. Not only that, but... Well, suddenly finding yourself so different from others, you can’t help but feel like a freak sometimes...” Cadmar trailed off uneasily, seemingly lost in thought.
“Oh. Oooooh. I’m sorry, Cadmar,” Cali grabbed Cadmar’s hand and squeezed it.
Cadmar blinked at Cali’s action, but smiled softly. “It’s okay... but thanks.”
There was so much hurt and betrayal in his angry voice that Rodney winced. He had known John would take this badly, that was why he hadn't told him in person in the first place. But this - this wasn't any easier now.
“Not really the kind of thing that is easy, ever. Right?” Cali glanced back at Cadmar for confirmation.
Cadmar froze when he looked at her, but nodded. “Yeah.”
"Personal reasons?" John snapped, face going red with anger. "What the fuck do you mean 'personal reasons'? If there were personal reasons I'd know about it. Or is this how you want to play it? Am I talking to Dr. McKay now and not to Rodney? Is my husband hiding things from me now?"
“Sheppard’s cussing now? It’s.. It’s not good to have to ask if you’re talking to your husband or your co-worker,” Cali was getting distracted by Cadmar continuing to drape over him to peek out of the closet door.
Cadmar nodded. “Yeah..”: she whispered. “Being married must be tough when you are Rodney and John. I’d honestly be perfectly happy with a B-romance.”
“B-romance?” Cali turned to look at Cadmar curiously.
“Yeah. You know how in movies and stuff there is the main couple who have the whole dynamic thing going on? Facing vampires, assassins, and saving the world?”
“Yeah?” Cali said, unsure where this was going.
“Well, a B-romance is the main couple’s friends. The one who have the normal relationship, and face the usual issues. Taxes, jobs, kids. Those things, rather than the super stuff the main couples does.” Cadmar let out a small sigh Cali almost didn’t hear. “A nice, quiet life.”
“Picket fence, huh? That would be nice to have someday,” Cali said. “Those two sure aren’t in line for the B-romance, though.”
“Hah, nope. And hey, quiet doesn’t even have to be a picket fence. Traveling around could be pretty peaceful too. Seeing sights and all. Knowing how big the multiverse is, you could travel worlds forever with someone and enjoy it.” Cali didn’t respond immediately, and the fic caught their attention.
"It's Carson's orders. He's forbidden me to go through the gate for now. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," Rodney admitted, painfully aware of the shocked intake of breath from John, when he mentioned the doctor's name.
"Carson? Why the hell would he…?" John was kneeling in front of Rodney in an instant, searching his eyes. "Rodney, what's wrong? Damn it, talk to me!" He sounded breathless and scared and Rodney's stomach clenched.
“They really love each other. It’s not Twu Wub, Sheppard looks like he took a punch to the gut,” Cali said a bit sadly.
Cadmar nodded. “Yeah, they sound like they really do... I’m impressed the author could do that.”
“What do you think the big mess-up that landed it mission status is? Maybe Michael suddenly comes back and is in love with Rodney and somehow the baby is actually his without anyone knowing it!”
Cadmar smiled and hugged Cali’s head. “Yeah, or maybe they botch the ever loving hell out of the pregnancy.”
“Or that,” Cali acknowledged.
"Yes, pregnant. Surprise, surprise," Rodney aimed for his usual, sarcastic tone, but failed miserably. He felt suddenly cold and empty.
"Pregnant," John repeated, getting up again and beginning to pace. After a moment though, he took a deep breath, rubbed his hand over his face and asked tonelessly, "How long have you known?"
“Hmm, that is a good question. I haven’t seen any time indication, though the changes have been pretty smooth.” Cadmar looked to the words.
“Weirdly smooth. I haven’t even felt queasy.”
"You've known two weeks? Two weeks and you didn't think you should talk to me?" John snapped, obviously angry. "What the hell is wrong with you, Rodney?"
“I guess two weeks. That’s a long time to be sharing a bed with someone and not tell them something this big,” Cali said.
“Yeah, but I honestly don’t see any relationship not having some secrets. Something big like that maybe not, but...”
Rodney didn't have an answer to that. How was he supposed to describe this feeling? This feeling of panic, of insecurity and fear that had him in a tight grip ever since Carson had told him he was expecting. How was he supposed to tell John what he hadn't figured out himself yet?
Cali pulled away from Cadmar and fiddled with the CAD, far beyond the time needed for a reading.
Cadmar hesitated, and glanced out at the other couple, before sighing. “H-hey, Cali. You okay?”
Cali smiled one of his megawatt super-smiles. “Yeah, I’m good.”
Cadmar smiled as well. “Well, that is good--Cut the bullshit.”
Cali’s smile faltered. “B-b-bullshit?” He sighed. “Okay. These guys have something really special, you know?”
Cadmar nodded. “Yeah... Not very often I actually get to see something special in a fanfic.”
“What are we doing, Cadmar? Are we heading toward this?” He waved at John and Rodney.
Cadmar looked taken aback. She looked to the side, her hair falling down from it’s pony tail to hide her face from view. “I... I don’t know, Cali. I honestly have the feeling what we have now is a bridge built over a large chasm...”
Cali nodded, and turned back to the CAD. He adjusted the settings, and finally smacked it before shoving it in the bag. He stuck his hands in his pockets, and tried to look like he was looking for charges.
Cadmar looked like she was going to pull out a Bleepette, but decided against it. “So, there’s only one real way to fix this problem of ours, then...”
“I understand,” Cali said dully.
Cadmar frowned and wrapped Cali in a headlock. “Aww, don’t be so pouty about it! All we need to do is a little talking and start actually getting to know each other!” She grinned and gave him a noogie for good measure.
“Wha-- But I thought...” He twisted free of Cadmar’s grasp and hugged her tightly. His cheeks were suspiciously wet against Cadmar’s neck.
Cadmar blinked and hugged Cali back, noticing a slight tremble. “Cali... what did you think I was gonna say?” she asked while replaying her previous sentence in her mind.
He pulled back and scrubbed the back of his hand over his cheeks. “That we’re done. I-you really want to--?”
Cadmar smiled and leaned in. “Of course, Cali! Why let something die before we even know how nice it could be?” She leaned in a bit more, grinning slyly.
Cali sniffed. “I’m sorry for being such an idiot. I want to know you better.”
Cadmar grinned a bit wider. “Me too! Well... I mean I wanna get to know YOU better, and not me, and...” Cadmar rolled her eyes and snorted. “You get the idea.” She pulled off his sunglasses quickly. “And, now the first step!”
Cali blinked rapidly, and seemed to be considering turning away, but stopped and purposefully looked directly at Cadmar. Cadmar beamed at Cali and when he didn’t look away leaned in closer to get a good look at his eyes, past the heavy bruises. They were an odd shade--an ice blue that combined with his hair in a slightly unsettling way. “You have nice eyes,” she commented.
Cali stared at Cadmar’s eyes. The expression in them had been dark so often since the Heather mission. “I’ve always liked your eyes, and I never noticed the lighter shade near the center.”
Cadmar laughed and covered her mouth. “That was so corny, Cali. Commenting on my eyes like that.”
Cali ducked his head a bit so that he was looking up at Cadmar through his eyelashes, and smiled. “You’re the first person that ever said they like my eyes.”
At that, John kissed him. "I'm glad we cleared that up. Because I really don't know what I'd have done if you'd said you didn't want it. I mean, I never thought we'd get into this situation in the first place. The odds were after all…what…? 2.473 billion to one? I'd call that a pretty small chance."
Cadmar blinked when she finally clued into the fact that the fic was still happening around them. “Er... aw crap, we better check out what we missed. Knowing our luck, it was super charge worthy...”
“Oh. Yeah. Let me see. They had a better talk than we did. See there?” He pointed to a section of text.
"I don't want to get rid of her, John! Damn it! I'm scared, okay? I'm really, really scared. We're talking Wraith attack, Atlantis-blowing-up scared here, okay? But I'd never kill her. She's part of you, how could I not love her? But…but I didn't know how to tell you, didn't know what to say. I know you don't want to have children, but…"
"Wait, what?" John interrupted him, jumping up from the bed he'd been sitting on and came to stand in front of Rodney again. "What gave you the idea I don't want to have children with you? Why would you think that?" He sounded genuinely confused and hurt to Rodney, which made him frown.
“Then we find out that this was the result of some weird ancient device, and John said he didn’t want kids back when the Wraith were killing them, and the Ori were causing trouble.”
“Hmm. John looks really, ya know, messed up. Like the whole thing is actually a big deal. Waaaay better then the tons of teenage pregnancy fics I drudge through.” Cadmar smiled wryly. “And Rodney was even hiding the whole thing because he didn’t know how to talk about it, go figure,” she said while playfully ribbing Cali.
“Heh. Yeah. I wouldn’t know anything at all about that. So you read teen pregnancy fics?”
"Does that make you the woman in this marriage?" John asked and Rodney slapped his arm - hard.
"Stop teasing the pregnant scientist. I'm emotionally fragile, I'll have you know!" Rodney pouted mockingly.
John just laughed.
The scene shifted and Rodney was sitting on the bed, surrounded by clothing, crying, and very pregnant.
“I guess we had a bit of a time shift here,” Cali said stating the obvious.
“A-yep.” Cadmar mentally wiped her brow off. Opening up to someone was one thing, talking about reading lots of teen pregnancy fics was something completely different.
It was bound to happen at some point, John supposed. He'd been told by several people that at one time or another, every pregnant woman had this phase and Rodney, despite being a man, was no exception.
“This is awfully close to home for you, isn’t it?” Cali said.
“... Pfft.” Cadmar lightly punched Cali in the arm. “Yeah, exactly. Since I’d rather not chance anything like this happening, I’m trying to avoid the cause.”
“Awww. But there’re things that don’t risk it, you know?”
Cadmar opened and closed her mouth a few times, then gave up on finding a reply .
"You're not fat, you're pregnant. And you're most certainly not ugly, Rodney," John said softly, sitting down beside his still sniffling partner. Rubbing Rodney's back soothingly,
Cali blushed and ducked his head, but he was still smiling.
Cadmar got an odd look on her face and peeked out of the closet door, peering at the now clearly pregnant Rodney.
Cali pulled Cadmar back into the closet. “They’ll see us!” he said in a stage whisper.
Cadmar nodded sheepishly with a heavy blush on her face. “Sorry, just checking something out...”
“Are you ogling his pregnant belly?”
Cadmar sputtered. “N-not a WORD. I know where you sleep!” Cadmar whispered furiously, though panicked.
“What? It’s cool. I’m just missing a few parts for it.”
Cadmar’s face deadpanned and she stood up, and picked up Cali by the armpits. It was then that Cali remembered that Cadmar was a lot stronger then she looked. When she had him raised six inches off the floor so that he was eye-to-eye with her, she said, “Cali, if you ever get some silly idea about Mpreg stuff...” She narrowed her eyes, leaned in, and began whispering in his ear.
Cali’s eyes got wider and his expression grew more shocked as he listened. He shook his head. “No, ma’am. I would never--!”
"But I don't feel fine! Look at me, John! I'm not walking, I'm waddling, I can't bend down anymore and I can't remember when I could see my feet last. I'm fat and…and…the pants I had altered just two weeks ago don't fit already. I'm turning into a whale. A fat, ugly, disgusting whale," Rodney cried again, burying his face in his hands.
Cadmar visibly cringed at Rodney’s shouting, and the blush slightly returned, but her glare at Cali only intensified.
“I promise,” he said trying to look his most serious. “Could you maybe put me down?”
Cadmar put Cali down and huffed. “Man, lifting you up is hard,” she complained. She dropped down and leaned back against a wall of the closet. “We’re getting off of track, nothing is wrong with this fic so far. Hell, even the reasons for the Mpreg happening is believable, given the setting.”
“I don’t have a single charge here,” Cali said sitting down beside her and showing her his notebook. “It’s mpreg, AU, with two guys who date women in canon, and I don’t have a single charge here. They’ve been giving us dating advice by example!”
“It’s almost sad. Almost.” Cadmar looked to the words. “We’re almost seventy percent through the fic, and nothing bad has happened. I think we can close the case on this one.” She looked to Cali.” So, wanna blow this fic and go somewhere and have that meaningful conversation?”
"No 'but', Rodney. I love the way you look. I love to feel our daughter move under my hands when I touch your belly. I love how your body changed to make it possible for you to carry her. Don't belittle yourself - and her - like this. You're perfect to me, even with the swollen ankles and mood swings."
Cali pulled the door completely closed. He’d witnessed many badly written sex scenes, had been disgusted or amused or whatever, but he’d never gotten such a strong feeling that he was intruding on someone’s privacy before. “I don’t think they need us watching them for this. So I have to throw this out there. I think we’re in a goodfic. An honest to goodness goodfic! How did this happen?”
“Someone got lazy and slapped a ‘bad’ stamp on the Mpreg fic?” Cadmar suggested with a shrug. “I’m not sure exactly how the whole selection of missions goes...”
“They’re, uh, really enjoying themselves, aren’t they?” Cali said looking like he was trying to create a No Drool video in his head.
Cadmar looked at the words and smiled. “Yeah. Why don’t we stick around for a bit? It’s not very often that that the opportunity for a good lemon viewing comes around.”
“I’ve never seen one. Terribad ones, sure, but never a g-g-good--what are you--”
CENSORED
“I finished reading, and I didn’t see any charges in the rest of the fic,” Cali said putting his glasses back on.
Cadmar grinned as she pushed Cali over so she could sit comfortably beside him. “We’ll do a rain check on that meaningful conversation.”
“Lunch at the PPC bar tomorrow?” Cali asked.
“Sounds good to me! Oh, and Cali? Make sure you put your shirt on the right way this time.”
* * *
Maria purred contentedly, rolled up in as much of a ball as she could on the couch. “Mmm... fishies everywhere... all for me...” she mumbled.
Mark sighed from his spot next to her on the couch. “You never should have given her that catnip tree,” he said accusingly at Miah.
“She likes it though. Just look how peaceful she looks. She’s almost cute when she’s asleep.” Miah was prevented from spouting more embarrassing baby talk by a portal opening.
Cadmar walked through and dropped her P90 down on the chair by the console carelessly. “Hey all, how’s it goin-Awww, so kyoot~” Cadmar dropped her bag and leaned down by the couch and began playing with Maria’s ears. Maria began giggling and nuzzling into Cadmar’s hands.
Cali finally followed Cadmar through the portal into the RC. Not realizing that Maria was asleep he loudly said, “You guys will never believe what we just saw in that fic!”
Maria moaned and mumbled a few unpleasant things, curling back into a ball, snoring loudly. Her tail started swaying slowly in the air. Cadmar shrugged and started playing with it. “Yeah, it was pretty messed up,” she said, a lot lower then Cali.
Cali took the hint and also spoke quieter, “Unlike anything I’ve ever seen.” A smile threatened to break out.
Miah’s suspicions were sufficiently raised. She stalked over to Cali, and looked at him closely. His shirt was no longer on inside out. “What happened to your ear, partner?”
He reached up, to touch the mark on his ear lobe with a guilty look on his face, “N-nothing happened.”
“I bit him on the ear. I was trying to do the whole nibble thing, but it’s kinda hard with my teeth.” Cadmar grinned when she heard Cali gasp and sputter.
Miah paused for a few moments before changing tactics, and saying deadpan. “Kolya was actually a tentacle monster out for twisted revenge.”
Cadmar snorted and sat down on the couch and started playing with Maria’s ears again. “Nnnnnnnnope. Try harder.”
“Sheppard joined Todd and helped him conquer the Pegasus galaxy?” Mark asked, pulling out a book to read.
“Not even close,” Cali said sitting on the couch on the other side of Cadmar.
“Okay. Enough with the guessing. What did you find in the fic?” Miah said still giving Cali and Cadmar a suspicious look.
Cadmar stuck her tongue out at Miah. “We got a goodfic~” she said in a singsong voice.
“A what?” Miah’s suspicious look changed to one of confusion. “But it was an mpreg!”
Cadmar grinned unnervingly, causing Cali to wince slightly in memory. “I know! That was the best part! McKay actually acted like a pregnant person, and the whole thing was handled nicely!”
“Are you sure you didn’t miss anything?” Miah asked.
Cadmar nodded vigorously and started poking the tip of Maria’s ears, causing them to flatten against her head. “Yep! We got the pre-pregnancy, the not telling him stage, the find out scene. Ooooh, and then the find out scene turned into a GOOD lemon. Me and Cali read from the closet.”
Miah eyed the hickies on Cadmar’s neck and the bite on Cali’s ear.”Yeah. You were reading in the closet.”
Cadmar winked. “It was a very rare spice, getting to read a good lemon, so we didn’t waste the chance.” She turned a slight bit more serious. “Though someone was trying a little too hard to get me to take my shirt off.”
Cali blushed and looked anywhere but at Miah and Cadmar.
“So there’re no precautions that need to be taken?” Miah said, giving Cadmar a Meaningful Look.
Cadmar shivered. “No. Nononono. Really, the idea of sex while the wrong gender isn’t very appealing right now.”
Maria snorted loudly and jerked upright. “Huh? Wah?”
Cali jumped. “Nothing! We weren’t doing anything!”
Mark snorted in amusement, as Maria blearily looked around. “Wha-Cadmar, why do you have marks on your neck?” She gasped. “Y-you’re cheating on me with another vampire, aren’t you!?”
* * *
Caddy’s AN: We found this little gem while looking for some Bad Slash material. Seeing a popular pairing and mpreg stamped on it seemed too good to be true. And it was. Too good for a badfic to spork that is. It was actually a good read, and one of the better AUs I have encountered. It didn’t expand a whole lot on the other effects of Earth being destroyed, but that wasn’t the main focus of the story, even if it sounded interesting.
Miah’s AN: If this seems to be poking fun at the Intel folks, well, in this case, that points directly back at us. We started this one entirely expecting badfic, and went through this whole progression of waiting for the other shoe to drop--only it never did. Then we had the idea to highlight a goodfic, and thought that one that would sprig so many assumptions of badfic-ness would be a good one to choose! I hope you enjoyed it. We certainly enjoyed writing it.
Next appearance: Mission 17 (blank link)
Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to the original assassins, Jay and Acacia. We just have Permission to share in this great world. Stargate Atlantis was created by Brad Wright and Robert C. Cooper. 2.473 Billion to One, http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4240718/1/2473_bbillion_b_to_one , belongs to darkmoore05. (Seriously you should go read this story). This is a review that contains elements of parody and satire (directed at ourselves in this case).
Beta credit goes to Data_junkie and Phobos7
(Author's Notes at the end)
Previous Appearance: Fifteenth Mission: Re-Run
Against All Odds
Cali woke up slowly. He was in a soft bed with warm covers. Then he realised that he wasn’t in his room, and he wasn’t alone in the bed. He opened his eyes as far as he could, and saw Cadmar beside him. Her arm was draped over his chest.
“You came to see me?” he whispered.
Cadmar jerked awake beside him, looking around blearily and shaking her head. “Hunh? What?”
“Sorry I woke you up. I’m glad you came to see me,” Cali said.
Cadmar sat up and yawned. “Of course I did, especially after I heard what happened.” She smirked at him. “Taking on a Canon character who beats the crap out of rooms full of mooks by himself, and WINNING, no less!”
“Heh. Yeah, winning. I played dirty,” Cali said morosely.
Cadmar frowned a bit. “No, you were smart. Superman is technically cheating all the time when he uses his powers, even if they are natural. It’s the same with you.” Here she raised an eyebrow. “Though I don’t remember hearing you say you could see in the dark.”
“I never thought it would actually help me in a fight. The canon gave me that chance, though. If Michael hadn’t resisted the wraith long enough for it to get distracted by Miah, I’d never have gotten the chance.”
Cadmar rolled her eyes and rolled on top of Cali and looked him in the eyes. “You. Won. A. Fight. You get it? And I know everyone is proud of you for doing so, especially Miah.”
Cali smiled, then winced when he realized that smiling hurt. “I get it. Does this mean I get special My Boyfriend Is A Hero treatment?”
Cadmar tilted her head and puzzled for a minute. “Nah, you get the ‘My Boyfriend Is Injured’ treatment. It involves me making sure you get back on your feet, and giving you lots of reminders you got yourself hurt and made me worry.”
“Aww. I was hoping for the ‘Let’s go read The Book’.” Cali did his best to make puppy dog eyes at Cadmar.
“Were you trying puppy dog eyes... with sunglasses on, and with black eyes?” Cadmar giggled. “Definitely not reading the book now.”
“If I tried--Nevermind. I guess reminders it is,” Cali said.
Cadmar smirked. “Darn right. So, you STILL haven’t told me about the whole seeing in the dark thing!” she said in a singsong voice.
“We-ell, didn’t you wonder about how I can move in your dark RC wearing dark sunglasses? I’ve always been able to see in the dark. I didn’t realize it was special until I was about eight.” Cali tried for a mischievous grin. “I can see other things, too.”
“Oh? Do tell,” Cadmar said, interest gleaming in her eyes.
“You’re immune to teasing in this mode, aren’t you?” Cali shifted in the bed. “I see EM fields.”
Cadmar tilted her head again. “Well, that would be a very situational power.” She gave her arms a rest and just collapsed on him. “...So, what do they look like?”
“Kind of like auras?” Cali said, as if not entirely sure. “It’s usually handy when Tesla is being sneaky during a mission wrap up.”
“So, is that what... attracted you to him?” Cadmar asked punnily.
“He’s just so sexy, and naughty, and still somehow makes me feel bad over how he’s treated sometimes.” Cali gulped. “Um. I-I-shouldn’t h-have--”
Cadmar started laughing. “Oh Cali, not getting my jokes.” She caught the slightly scared look on his face. “Hey, Hey! Listen! Don’t clam up on me, I won’t care if you say you think someone is sexy!”
“I think you’re sexy,” he said, blushing a bit.
Cadmar blushed and visibly relaxed. “A-her... Thank you! I’m serious though, don’t feel afraid to complement people around me. If it helps, I think Maria is sexy. Do you?”
Cali stopped blushing. “When she’s not in the suit.”
Cadmar snorted. “Of course. See? Being open about these things totally helps avoid any of those silly plots in fics about being jealous of someone for bad reasons.”
Cali nodded.
Just then, Lillian walked up to them. “We have one more treatment before you leave, Cali,” she announced as she handed Cadmar a note. Cadmar took the note with a slight frown and sighed in annoyance at what she read.
You have had a whole night off, Agent Cali! Get back to work! -The SO
“Well... Damn,” Cadmar said simply.
Cali took the attached mission assignment from Cadmar. “Hmm. Stargate Atlantis. Rodney/Sheppard mpreg. It says you’re supposed to go with me.”
Cadmar smiled. “Looks like it won’t be...” She broke off. “Almost jinxed us. C’mon, let’s head back to my RC and grab some stuff,” she said as she offered him a hand.
“I did win that fight, right?” he said, carefully stretching his sore muscles.
Cadmar grinned. “You won in the best way possible.” She moved to his side and looped her arm with his. “Don’t you agree?”
He froze in his stretch, then leaned against Cadmar. “Absolutely.”
* * *
“Are you dressed yet?” Cali asked for the third time since Cadmar had disappeared into her room. The door was usually hidden behind a small mountain, or a large pile depending on who you asked. While usually hidden, all one had to do was moves a small portion of the pile to get to the door, which blended in with the rest of the shadowy generic surface.
Cadmar cursed from her room, which was located behind a lump of almost identical cat suits, and other assorted clothes. “No! This stupid bloody bra won’t go on!”
“Um, you, uh, want some help?” Cali asked.
Cadmar made a few noises. “Yes. But ah, probably best if it was someone else. No offense, of course! Just ah... well, you’ve already seen me half naked, and I’d rather avoid having anything unfortunate happen...”
“Aww. It was worth a try, right?” Cali said mock-sulkily.
Cadmar barked out a laugh. “Hah! Yeah, I’da done the same thing... well, if you were genderbent, that is.” Some more sounds of struggling. “Gah! I hate changing these! Stupid sports bra, being impossible to roll off or on!”
“I’d keep my eyes shut...”
“... Fine.”
“Seriously? All right!” Cali closed the door to the room so fast that Cadmar jumped.
“Yah!” Cadmar jumped and whirled around throwing a sloppy punch at him.
Cali managed to get his arm up in time to take the punch there instead of on his broken nose. He fell back against the door. “Hey! Wh...” He trailed off as he realized Cadmar was topless.
Cadmar quickly retracted her fist and put her arms behind her back. “Gah! Sorry, Cali! You just scared me! And Maria has been teaching me how to fight, and she likes to jump out suddenly!” she explained in a panicked voice. She bounced nervously the entire time--something Cali was very aware of.
“It’s o-o-okay. Um...” Cali stammered and sort of vaguely pointed in the direction of Cadmar’s chest.
Cadmar yelped and turned around again. “A-a-ah, geez! And here I was trying to avoid all this stereotype crap...”
“We could just, uh, skip all the mis-understanding parts,” Cali said as he stood up and walked over to Cadmar.
Silence settled over the main room of the RC--but only for a brief time.
Access Denied
The RC door opened and Miah and Maria walked in. Both of them looked a bit worried. “Do you think they came here?”
“I would hope so,” Mark said from behind them. “Good day, Miah. I trust you are feeling well?”
“I am. I went to Medical to pick Cali up, and Lillian said he’d left already, so I was looking for him.”
Maria peeked in and sniffed. “Yeah, I can smell them in here, but...” She sniffed a few more times. “It’s weird...”
“Weird how?” Mark asked as he entered and looked around.
“I don’t see them,” Miah said, walking further into the gloom of the RC.
Maria kept sniffing, now crouched down like a cat. “Hmmm. Over here,” she said as she began walking, still like a cat, deeper into the RC.
“Isn’t that Cadmar’s--maybe we should leave them alone,” Miah said slowly.
Maria tilted her head and wagged her tail a bit. “Hmmm. That’s no fun. Plus, we don’t want something unfortunate to happen.” Maria’s voice held something else that Miah couldn’t place, and Mark didn’t seem to notice.
“I really don’t want to--” Miah was cut off.
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
Maria yowled loudly and jumped. A pair of yelps were heard from inside Cadmar’s room, and some rough cursing and threats. “It looks like they were in there,” Mark said.
Miah hit the button to silence the console, and checked the read out. It simply said:
Now, agents.
“Now? Now, what?” she asked.
They heard a door click open behind a huge pile of laundry. Cali walked out blushing, and with a huge grin on his face. His shirt was on inside out and backwards. The white tag was clearly visible against the black material.
Cadmar followed him, wearing the same tanktop she had worn when they all had played Truth or Dare. She looked at them suspiciously, but grinned ferally and winked anyway.
Cali read the message on the console. He reached out absently as if he expected to have something within easy reach of the screen. When nothing came to hand, he looked around, blushed to the tips of his ears, and ran back to Cadmar’s room.
Cadmar cackled as Cali ran back into her room. “Hey guys, what brings you back here?” she asked like one would ask about the weather.
Maria shook her head. “At least you have the decency to use your room. But fooling around while you’re supposed to be on a mission? For shame!”
Mark looked curiously at the door. “Why have I never seen your room?” he asked.
“Because I only let Maria and Cali in,” Cadmar replied.
“What do you think she’s hiding in there, Mark?” Miah said, winking at Mark.
“No doubt she has some bodies stashed, and probably several names carved into the wall. I would also wager that she has some kind of crazy messages written in blood..”
“Mmm hmm. Well, in that case, I guess I just need to sneak a peek at the trophies she keeps,” Miah said.
Cadmar pouted. “Maria won’t let me. She says it stinks up the place, and makes her hungry.”
Just then Cali arrived back on the scene. He had his armor on, but his shirt tag was still sticking out in the front. “We ready to portal, Cadmar?” He was avoiding eye contact, or what passed for it when one continuously wears mirrored sunglasses.
Cadmar smiled and grabbed the bag sitting on the chair in front of the console. “Yeah, disguises are already preset for SGA personnel.” She picked up a P90 and tossed it to Cali. “We have our guns, and I have the spare ammo.”
Maria smiled and wrapped Cadmar in a hug. “Have fun!” She then lowered her voice. “And ah, you haven’t....”
Cadmar blushed and shook her head a small bit. ‘No, I told you. Not going to do anything like that.”
Maria nodded in satisfaction. “Okay, just making sure.”
Cali missed this interaction in his haste to get through the portal and away from the other agents.
Cadmar followed after only a few seconds, and stood next to Cali in the Generic Space, waiting for the fic to start. “Hey. You okay?”
Cali smiled sheepishly. “Yeah. How about you? You in trouble with Maria?”
Cadmar shook her head. “Nah. You’re not... embarrassed of me, right?” she asked uncertainly.
“What? No. No way! Its just we were-- and they-- and the BEEEEEEEP--”
Cadmar nodded. “That’s good... I would understand, of course...”
Cali flustered for a few more moments obviously trying to figure out what to say. Then he beamed one of his superhero smiles at Cadmar. “Do you need any more help with your bra?”
Cadmar blinked at the sudden change of mood, before twitching. “... No.”
An awkward silence fell over the two, and just before it became so bad that Cadmar was about to scream in fury, the fic started. The Prologue began scrolling by them, ascending slowly upwards, looking similar to the ones used in Star Wars.
Prologue: When the Ori destroyed Earth, a secret evacuation had been going on for several months. A few hundred thousand people had been sent through the Stargate into the Pegasus galaxy, settling into new lives on different planets all around. They were scientists, artists, people from all cultures, countries and races. It wasn't enough, never could be, but it was all they could do.
Soon, Atlantis had become the connecting point between all the new Earth settlements and the Atlantis expedition did a fine job in helping make the refugees feel at home in the Pegasus galaxy. Life was as good as it could be, considering the circumstances, once the Wraith finally weren't a threat any more.
Cadmar gawked at the credit roll. “Um... isn’t that already an episode or something?”
Cali looked confused. “I don’t remember an episode like that. This actually sounds like a surprisingly well thought out premise for an AU. That always makes it hurt worse when they mess it up.”
Cadmar nodded and looked at Cali, subtly frowning. It was fine and dandy if he wanted to use his silly fake smiles, that was his business; but when they were trying to be serious... Cadmar’s train of thought was cut off by the scene around them changing from the Generic Gray to one of the labs in Atlantis, where Rodney was tiredly drinking a mug of coffee.
“Well, it’s not so unlike Rodney to pull late nights shifts,” Cadmar indicated over to Rodney, where he was mulling over his current situation.
Rodney began the story with an ominous retrospective: that no matter the odds, he should not have dismissed his instincts as being nothing more than missed meals and overwork.
“Those lines sound pretty Rodney-like,” Cali said. He looked over at Cadmar. He was pretty sure that she was annoyed with him for not answering her earlier.
“He was always so worked up over the other scientists breaking things... No wonder he’s always so stressed,” Cadmar commented with a small sigh. “Poor over-worked guy...”
“Cadmar... Your eyes are... sparkly. Why--ohmigosh--McKay!” Cali began fumbling in his pockets for a shot of anti-Lustin.
Cadmar giggled a bit, and shook her head. “No I’m not... he’s just so sex...Urgh.” Cadmar clutched her head. “Okay, maybe I am...”
“Here. I got a supply, just in case, after Miah told me what happened in your mission together.” Cali quickly applied the hypospray to Cadmar’s neck.
Rodney stood up, but almost passed out due to his hypoglycemia. He grabbed a fruit and cereal bar from a drawer and ate it, washing it down with coffee that he said had an oddly metallic taste to it. Cadmar grimaced. “Sorry about this... I’m not sure why you aren’t offended or anything...”
Cali re-loaded the hypospray, and put it back in his pocket. He waved Cadmar out the door to follow Rodney to the messhall. “I’m really not.” He looked as if he was about to say something else, but changed his mind, and beamed another megawatt smile at Cadmar. “Have I ever told you about the time that Miah got an overdose of glitter and chased me through the halls making kissy noises and calling me Tony DiNozzo?”
Cadmar snorted a laugh and looked away, hiding her momentary look of anger. “Nope, I don’t think so. Though I’m sure it was fun for you,” she said slyly, so as to not have him think she was jealous or something. She tightened the grip on her P90 as they entered the Cafeteria and sat near McKay. She really hated Anti-Lustin. The stuff killed all lusty feelings, sure, but it always left her feeling down.
“Dude, she’s like almost old enough to be my mom! And that was the mission we rescued the kids from. It was, um, interesting.” He took a tray and loaded it with sandwiches, juice, fruit, and coffee.
“Oh right, you guys have kids. I keep forgetting that part.” Cadmar snorted and checked the sights on her gun, aiming it around. “They confused why daddy isn’t dating mommy?”
“I’m only seven years older than the oldest one--Hannah. I’m more like a big brother or an uncle. It would be--Helen is more mine, but I still have to leave her in the Nursery.” He pushed the fruit around in his cup, and took a drink of coffee. “This is some really good coffee. Why is McKay thinking it is all metallic and burnt?”
Cadmar shrugged and tried the coffee. “Eh, seems okay.”
“Check out the words, Cadmar,” Cali said.
He knew if he pissed off his husband too badly, John would find means to make him regret it. Even now there was the definite possibility that John would read him the riot act about working late, making him wait or not spending enough quality time together.
Cadmar visibly started. “Him and John are married? Well, I suppose with the context of having a kid, but still...” She sighed deeply. “Better take a C.A.D reading.”
“Okay.” Cali put his sandwich back on his plate and retrieved his CAD.
[Rodney McKay--canon character--Stargate Atlantis--OOC 6.21%--Why are you wasting my time with this?]
Never would he have imagined the love that shone out of John's eyes or the tenderness John treated him with. Maybe it had been because John had been so restricted by 'don't ask, don't tell', but Rodney had been taken by surprise at how openly affectionate John was once it was revoked. He loved Rodney and had no problems whatsoever showing just how much he meant to him.
“Look at that. This thing has got to be broken,” Cali said shaking the CAD. It didn’t change it’s reading, so Cali tossed it back in his bag. “Do you have one with you? Oh.” Cali started shoving sandwiches into his pockets. “He’s gone now. We’ll have to wait for the scene change.”
Cadmar and Cali fell into a silence, and Cadmar suddenly wanted to bang something against something else. A small ripple ran through the area, with no other noticeable effects. “Ummm... was that it?”
“I-I’m not sure. It could have been the scene change, but it didn’t throw us around, and I’m not feeling queasy.” Cali looked around. The scenery had shifted around them. They were now sitting at lab tables. Rodney was hunched over a laptop working. Sheppard was just entering.
"Hey, whatcha doin'?" John Sheppard sat down on the workplace beside Rodney's laptop with an easy sprawl, grinning playfully. Rodney rolled his eyes at him, knowing if his husband was in this mood, he was up to something.
“Alright, C.A.D time,” Cadmar said as she pulled her CAD out and pointed it at Sheppard.
[John Sheppard--canon character--Stargate Atlantis--OOC 5.35%-- What? I get to live past one reading?! Joyous days!]
"Hm, let's see. I'm in my lab, working on the laptop. There are equations on the screen and I am typing. What does it look like? I'm working. In fact, I'm quite busy, so shoo, go away" he said sarcastically, waving at John dismissively.
“Is it just me or is there something really odd going on with this fic?” Cali asked.
“Well, it sorta sounds like the dialogue was ripped from an episode... a really whacked episode, but still.” Cadmar looked over to John and Rodney and felt a small pang of wistfulness.
“I’m sure I’ve never heard that particular dialogue on an episode, but it sure does sound like them--if they were in this situation,” Cali said, watching the scene continue to unfold. “Whoa! That is an awesome way to deal with the Wraith. Put them to sleep and then blow them up. That sounds pretty plausible, actually.”
Cadmar nodded. “Yeah. I guess the Wraith would be starved enough to think they can take Atlantis. Though, I wonder why they go with nukes instead of drones?”
“Maybe they ran out?” Cali said, shrugging. “It’s a good point though. They seem to have a pretty good relationship, what with making sure they spend time together, and all.”
“Yeah...” Cadmar winced slightly. ‘Spending time together and being themselves, rather then hiding, not that I’m not doing the same...’ she thought.
"Fine, fine, you do that. Now, go away or I'll never get done here. Don't you have to go fight some hive ships? Busy here, remember? See you at dinner." With that Rodney focussed on his laptop again, pointedly ignoring John.
“How can they still be so normal, and be together? I thought... Nevermind.” Cali followed Sheppard out of the room. He went directly to the Infirmary where Carson was hooking Teyla up to monitoring. Cali hung back near the entrance, until Cadmar trailed in, then he leaned against her.
Cadmar smiled slightly, and was about to speak, but decided against it. A peaceful silence was better than an awkward sentence. For now, at least.
It lasted just until the scene shift took them to McKay and Sheppard’s room. A thought bubble had formed above McKay’s head, showing the agents his dream.
"That's the last of them," John announced as he looked over the few civilians that had stepped through the Stargate just a moment before. The horizon collapsed and Rodney felt a pang of pain as he watched the people take in their surroundings in wide eyed awe. "How many of them are there?" he asked silently. John's voice was grave when he answered Rodney, "Not enough…"
Cadmar and Cali hid in the closet now that the thought bubble had burst with the end of the dream. Rodney, after waking from the nightmare, got up for something to eat, as he mused on the changes he was experiencing. Fatigue and lack of energy being the first and foremost, followed by his sudden and seemingly random loss of blood-sugar.
Cadmar frowned and squinted. “That’s... that seems familiar.”
“You know... if you put it with the metallic coffee taste... it’s a pretty good description of possible early pregnancy symptoms. I guess Rodney is the lucky mpreg “mother”,” Cali said still leaning into Cadmar.
Cadmar shivered. “Just the idea kinda gives me the willies...”
“Yeah. Doesn’t sound fun. Scene change coming up,” Cali said straightening up and standing away from Cadmar.
Cadmar frowned grimly, and stood straight, looking like she was a proper guard. The two agents then found themselves in the infirmary, where Rodney was going to finally see someone about his strange symptoms.
"Hello, Rodney. What brings you here? Are you alright?" the doctor asked, concern audible in his voice.
"I'm not sure. That's why I'm here." Rodney hesitated. This was so damn hard. He took a deep breath and looked Carson straight in the eyes, willing his friend to understand that he was truly worried this time. "I've been having some strange symptoms. Carson…I think there is something seriously wrong," he said tonelessly, trying to keep the tremors that threatened to overwhelm him out of his voice.
“Rodney is not whining? He must be really concerned,” Cali said. “You hungry? I stole some sandwiches earlier. We could hide in the storage room while we wait.”
Cadmar mulled it over, and then nodded. It wasn’t like the fic was going anywhere. Or at least anywhere bad, anyway. “Sure.”
Carson's eyes grew wide. Rodney knew that the lack of sarcasm and whinging he usually displayed said how serious he was.
When they had closed the door to the closet, Cali said, “Did you see that? Carson knew. This fic is on top of this stuff. I wonder where it goes wrong?”
Forty five minutes, several sandwiches and forcibly non-serious conversation attempts for Cadmar and Cali, and several blood samples and a dozen screenings later, Carson finally found the answer. And it wasn't what either of them had expected.
“I wonder what they did expect?” Cadmar asked idly, while looking deep in thought.
“Cancer? Heart disease? Autoimmune? Those seem like the biggies to get people scared,” Cali said as the scene shifted around them. It left them in Sheppard’s office.
John rubbed his eyes tiredly with the heels of his hands before shutting down the file he'd been reading. Or rather, trying to read since he hadn't been able to concentrate on a single word. He couldn't stop himself from thinking about Rodney. Something was seriously wrong with him lately but John couldn't quite figure out what, exactly. It wasn't the usual overworked, tired and annoyed behaviour Rodney displayed quite frequently, but something else. Something that was unsettling John in ways he wasn't used to.
“I’m glad it isn’t cancer, this has the right set up, sorta. But all the angst...” Cadmar boredly put her P90 away in her bag and drew her cleaver out, and began tapping it lightly against the side of her leg.
“Nice knife, Cadmar,” Cali said, but he was staring a bit higher.
Cadmar’s brow furrowed for a moment. “Knife? Hah!”
Marrying Rodney had been the best decision he'd ever made. He didn't regret a single second he had spent with Rodney as part of his life. Sure, he could be loud, irritable, blunt, arrogant and annoying, but somehow that was what John liked best about him. He was painfully honest and refreshingly sarcastic and John enjoyed watching him talk a mile a second, waving his hands about and working one miracle after another.
“He really knows Rodney, doesn’t he?” Cali said, moving his gaze to Sheppard.
“Yeah... knowing your partner must feel nice.”
While both agents were left to their thoughts, John silently mulled over all of the strange occurrences that had happened recently. First Rodney refusing to travel himself to the planet where they grew their coffee to fix a shield generator, then refusing to visit the planet his sister was on. Rodney had stopped going through the gate altogether, despite having grown to love the adventures they went on.
“We don’t do we? We--” Cali’s moment of seriousness was interrupted by the fic’s scene change. They were in Rodney’s office where he was printing out a mysterious letter for his husband. Above his head was a thought bubble displaying a flashback.
"It was a 2.473billion to one chance that I was actually going to get impregnated, Carson," he fumed. "Don't tell me that you thought it was ever gonna happen! This is ridiculous…completely insane! I can't believe this is really happening. Honestly, what were the chances? No, don't say it, I know…one in 2.473 billion. Damn it, not even I was paranoid enough to think this kind of thing would happen - ever!"
Cadmar snorted. “Now that’s a Rodney-like reaction to hearing that you are pregnant. Man, he keeps it together. I’d be freaking out and probably losing it.”
Cali shook his head, as if to clear his thoughts, “Oh, yeah. Yeah, that is very like Rodney.” He drifted back to the idea of knowing your partner.
Cadmar smiled faintly and began tapping her cleaver slightly faster as Rodney began to rant further about being pregnant. “Hehehehehe. It’s fun to see people all riled up, Maria was totally right!”
“About what?” Cali asked, still looking a bit distracted .
Cadmar giggled a bit. “That seeing someone fuming or ranting is fun. It’s why I like seeing you get all dark and assertive.” Cadmar’s face twitched slightly when she realized she may have said too much.
“You like me to be assertive?” Cali ducked his head.
"I should have known it. I really should have, you know? Sheppard. It's all John's fault. Only he would be able to beat the odds on this. He and his ATA sperm. Damn it." Then something else occurred to him. Rodney felt all the blood drain form his face. He must have turned white as a sheet.
Cadmar snorted out a laugh, and hid it as coughing as Carson shot them a look. “Hah.. haha... Man, Rodney fills in the angry pregnant chick role well.” She pulled out the CAD again and quickly scanned the characters, receiving similar results to last time. She grumbled in response.
“CAD still says they’re good? I’ve never seen anything like this,” Cali said.
“Yeah... I’m kinda curious as to how the whole pregnancy thing will turn out, what with being a guy.” Cadmar upped the tempo of her cleaver tapping again, as the fic temporarily disappeared and a series of thoughts and memories of Rodney’s skimmed past their eyes. Rodney taking the prescribed medication from Carson, and bitterly accepting the restrictions of being pregnant, and also the dangers, with himself only having a small chance for survival.
Before long, the fic reappeared around them. The agents found themselves in Rodney and John’s private quarters. Cadmar and Cali quickly ducked into a closet and closed the door behind them, peering through a small crack.
"You care to explain what that is?" John snapped, thrusting a sheet of paper at his startled husband. Rodney sighed inwardly and looked at John with as much patience as he could muster. At least they were in their private quarters for this conversation.
“Why wouldn’t he just tell Sheppard? That would be the sensible thing to do, wouldn’t it?” Cali asked guilelessly.
Cadmar made a thinking noise and shifted, so she was using the top of Cali’s head as a head rest while looking out of the crack. “He is the first male in forever to be pregnant, something so impossible that NO ONE expected it. Not only that, but... Well, suddenly finding yourself so different from others, you can’t help but feel like a freak sometimes...” Cadmar trailed off uneasily, seemingly lost in thought.
“Oh. Oooooh. I’m sorry, Cadmar,” Cali grabbed Cadmar’s hand and squeezed it.
Cadmar blinked at Cali’s action, but smiled softly. “It’s okay... but thanks.”
There was so much hurt and betrayal in his angry voice that Rodney winced. He had known John would take this badly, that was why he hadn't told him in person in the first place. But this - this wasn't any easier now.
“Not really the kind of thing that is easy, ever. Right?” Cali glanced back at Cadmar for confirmation.
Cadmar froze when he looked at her, but nodded. “Yeah.”
"Personal reasons?" John snapped, face going red with anger. "What the fuck do you mean 'personal reasons'? If there were personal reasons I'd know about it. Or is this how you want to play it? Am I talking to Dr. McKay now and not to Rodney? Is my husband hiding things from me now?"
“Sheppard’s cussing now? It’s.. It’s not good to have to ask if you’re talking to your husband or your co-worker,” Cali was getting distracted by Cadmar continuing to drape over him to peek out of the closet door.
Cadmar nodded. “Yeah..”: she whispered. “Being married must be tough when you are Rodney and John. I’d honestly be perfectly happy with a B-romance.”
“B-romance?” Cali turned to look at Cadmar curiously.
“Yeah. You know how in movies and stuff there is the main couple who have the whole dynamic thing going on? Facing vampires, assassins, and saving the world?”
“Yeah?” Cali said, unsure where this was going.
“Well, a B-romance is the main couple’s friends. The one who have the normal relationship, and face the usual issues. Taxes, jobs, kids. Those things, rather than the super stuff the main couples does.” Cadmar let out a small sigh Cali almost didn’t hear. “A nice, quiet life.”
“Picket fence, huh? That would be nice to have someday,” Cali said. “Those two sure aren’t in line for the B-romance, though.”
“Hah, nope. And hey, quiet doesn’t even have to be a picket fence. Traveling around could be pretty peaceful too. Seeing sights and all. Knowing how big the multiverse is, you could travel worlds forever with someone and enjoy it.” Cali didn’t respond immediately, and the fic caught their attention.
"It's Carson's orders. He's forbidden me to go through the gate for now. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," Rodney admitted, painfully aware of the shocked intake of breath from John, when he mentioned the doctor's name.
"Carson? Why the hell would he…?" John was kneeling in front of Rodney in an instant, searching his eyes. "Rodney, what's wrong? Damn it, talk to me!" He sounded breathless and scared and Rodney's stomach clenched.
“They really love each other. It’s not Twu Wub, Sheppard looks like he took a punch to the gut,” Cali said a bit sadly.
Cadmar nodded. “Yeah, they sound like they really do... I’m impressed the author could do that.”
“What do you think the big mess-up that landed it mission status is? Maybe Michael suddenly comes back and is in love with Rodney and somehow the baby is actually his without anyone knowing it!”
Cadmar smiled and hugged Cali’s head. “Yeah, or maybe they botch the ever loving hell out of the pregnancy.”
“Or that,” Cali acknowledged.
"Yes, pregnant. Surprise, surprise," Rodney aimed for his usual, sarcastic tone, but failed miserably. He felt suddenly cold and empty.
"Pregnant," John repeated, getting up again and beginning to pace. After a moment though, he took a deep breath, rubbed his hand over his face and asked tonelessly, "How long have you known?"
“Hmm, that is a good question. I haven’t seen any time indication, though the changes have been pretty smooth.” Cadmar looked to the words.
“Weirdly smooth. I haven’t even felt queasy.”
"You've known two weeks? Two weeks and you didn't think you should talk to me?" John snapped, obviously angry. "What the hell is wrong with you, Rodney?"
“I guess two weeks. That’s a long time to be sharing a bed with someone and not tell them something this big,” Cali said.
“Yeah, but I honestly don’t see any relationship not having some secrets. Something big like that maybe not, but...”
Rodney didn't have an answer to that. How was he supposed to describe this feeling? This feeling of panic, of insecurity and fear that had him in a tight grip ever since Carson had told him he was expecting. How was he supposed to tell John what he hadn't figured out himself yet?
Cali pulled away from Cadmar and fiddled with the CAD, far beyond the time needed for a reading.
Cadmar hesitated, and glanced out at the other couple, before sighing. “H-hey, Cali. You okay?”
Cali smiled one of his megawatt super-smiles. “Yeah, I’m good.”
Cadmar smiled as well. “Well, that is good--Cut the bullshit.”
Cali’s smile faltered. “B-b-bullshit?” He sighed. “Okay. These guys have something really special, you know?”
Cadmar nodded. “Yeah... Not very often I actually get to see something special in a fanfic.”
“What are we doing, Cadmar? Are we heading toward this?” He waved at John and Rodney.
Cadmar looked taken aback. She looked to the side, her hair falling down from it’s pony tail to hide her face from view. “I... I don’t know, Cali. I honestly have the feeling what we have now is a bridge built over a large chasm...”
Cali nodded, and turned back to the CAD. He adjusted the settings, and finally smacked it before shoving it in the bag. He stuck his hands in his pockets, and tried to look like he was looking for charges.
Cadmar looked like she was going to pull out a Bleepette, but decided against it. “So, there’s only one real way to fix this problem of ours, then...”
“I understand,” Cali said dully.
Cadmar frowned and wrapped Cali in a headlock. “Aww, don’t be so pouty about it! All we need to do is a little talking and start actually getting to know each other!” She grinned and gave him a noogie for good measure.
“Wha-- But I thought...” He twisted free of Cadmar’s grasp and hugged her tightly. His cheeks were suspiciously wet against Cadmar’s neck.
Cadmar blinked and hugged Cali back, noticing a slight tremble. “Cali... what did you think I was gonna say?” she asked while replaying her previous sentence in her mind.
He pulled back and scrubbed the back of his hand over his cheeks. “That we’re done. I-you really want to--?”
Cadmar smiled and leaned in. “Of course, Cali! Why let something die before we even know how nice it could be?” She leaned in a bit more, grinning slyly.
Cali sniffed. “I’m sorry for being such an idiot. I want to know you better.”
Cadmar grinned a bit wider. “Me too! Well... I mean I wanna get to know YOU better, and not me, and...” Cadmar rolled her eyes and snorted. “You get the idea.” She pulled off his sunglasses quickly. “And, now the first step!”
Cali blinked rapidly, and seemed to be considering turning away, but stopped and purposefully looked directly at Cadmar. Cadmar beamed at Cali and when he didn’t look away leaned in closer to get a good look at his eyes, past the heavy bruises. They were an odd shade--an ice blue that combined with his hair in a slightly unsettling way. “You have nice eyes,” she commented.
Cali stared at Cadmar’s eyes. The expression in them had been dark so often since the Heather mission. “I’ve always liked your eyes, and I never noticed the lighter shade near the center.”
Cadmar laughed and covered her mouth. “That was so corny, Cali. Commenting on my eyes like that.”
Cali ducked his head a bit so that he was looking up at Cadmar through his eyelashes, and smiled. “You’re the first person that ever said they like my eyes.”
At that, John kissed him. "I'm glad we cleared that up. Because I really don't know what I'd have done if you'd said you didn't want it. I mean, I never thought we'd get into this situation in the first place. The odds were after all…what…? 2.473 billion to one? I'd call that a pretty small chance."
Cadmar blinked when she finally clued into the fact that the fic was still happening around them. “Er... aw crap, we better check out what we missed. Knowing our luck, it was super charge worthy...”
“Oh. Yeah. Let me see. They had a better talk than we did. See there?” He pointed to a section of text.
"I don't want to get rid of her, John! Damn it! I'm scared, okay? I'm really, really scared. We're talking Wraith attack, Atlantis-blowing-up scared here, okay? But I'd never kill her. She's part of you, how could I not love her? But…but I didn't know how to tell you, didn't know what to say. I know you don't want to have children, but…"
"Wait, what?" John interrupted him, jumping up from the bed he'd been sitting on and came to stand in front of Rodney again. "What gave you the idea I don't want to have children with you? Why would you think that?" He sounded genuinely confused and hurt to Rodney, which made him frown.
“Then we find out that this was the result of some weird ancient device, and John said he didn’t want kids back when the Wraith were killing them, and the Ori were causing trouble.”
“Hmm. John looks really, ya know, messed up. Like the whole thing is actually a big deal. Waaaay better then the tons of teenage pregnancy fics I drudge through.” Cadmar smiled wryly. “And Rodney was even hiding the whole thing because he didn’t know how to talk about it, go figure,” she said while playfully ribbing Cali.
“Heh. Yeah. I wouldn’t know anything at all about that. So you read teen pregnancy fics?”
"Does that make you the woman in this marriage?" John asked and Rodney slapped his arm - hard.
"Stop teasing the pregnant scientist. I'm emotionally fragile, I'll have you know!" Rodney pouted mockingly.
John just laughed.
The scene shifted and Rodney was sitting on the bed, surrounded by clothing, crying, and very pregnant.
“I guess we had a bit of a time shift here,” Cali said stating the obvious.
“A-yep.” Cadmar mentally wiped her brow off. Opening up to someone was one thing, talking about reading lots of teen pregnancy fics was something completely different.
It was bound to happen at some point, John supposed. He'd been told by several people that at one time or another, every pregnant woman had this phase and Rodney, despite being a man, was no exception.
“This is awfully close to home for you, isn’t it?” Cali said.
“... Pfft.” Cadmar lightly punched Cali in the arm. “Yeah, exactly. Since I’d rather not chance anything like this happening, I’m trying to avoid the cause.”
“Awww. But there’re things that don’t risk it, you know?”
Cadmar opened and closed her mouth a few times, then gave up on finding a reply .
"You're not fat, you're pregnant. And you're most certainly not ugly, Rodney," John said softly, sitting down beside his still sniffling partner. Rubbing Rodney's back soothingly,
Cali blushed and ducked his head, but he was still smiling.
Cadmar got an odd look on her face and peeked out of the closet door, peering at the now clearly pregnant Rodney.
Cali pulled Cadmar back into the closet. “They’ll see us!” he said in a stage whisper.
Cadmar nodded sheepishly with a heavy blush on her face. “Sorry, just checking something out...”
“Are you ogling his pregnant belly?”
Cadmar sputtered. “N-not a WORD. I know where you sleep!” Cadmar whispered furiously, though panicked.
“What? It’s cool. I’m just missing a few parts for it.”
Cadmar’s face deadpanned and she stood up, and picked up Cali by the armpits. It was then that Cali remembered that Cadmar was a lot stronger then she looked. When she had him raised six inches off the floor so that he was eye-to-eye with her, she said, “Cali, if you ever get some silly idea about Mpreg stuff...” She narrowed her eyes, leaned in, and began whispering in his ear.
Cali’s eyes got wider and his expression grew more shocked as he listened. He shook his head. “No, ma’am. I would never--!”
"But I don't feel fine! Look at me, John! I'm not walking, I'm waddling, I can't bend down anymore and I can't remember when I could see my feet last. I'm fat and…and…the pants I had altered just two weeks ago don't fit already. I'm turning into a whale. A fat, ugly, disgusting whale," Rodney cried again, burying his face in his hands.
Cadmar visibly cringed at Rodney’s shouting, and the blush slightly returned, but her glare at Cali only intensified.
“I promise,” he said trying to look his most serious. “Could you maybe put me down?”
Cadmar put Cali down and huffed. “Man, lifting you up is hard,” she complained. She dropped down and leaned back against a wall of the closet. “We’re getting off of track, nothing is wrong with this fic so far. Hell, even the reasons for the Mpreg happening is believable, given the setting.”
“I don’t have a single charge here,” Cali said sitting down beside her and showing her his notebook. “It’s mpreg, AU, with two guys who date women in canon, and I don’t have a single charge here. They’ve been giving us dating advice by example!”
“It’s almost sad. Almost.” Cadmar looked to the words. “We’re almost seventy percent through the fic, and nothing bad has happened. I think we can close the case on this one.” She looked to Cali.” So, wanna blow this fic and go somewhere and have that meaningful conversation?”
"No 'but', Rodney. I love the way you look. I love to feel our daughter move under my hands when I touch your belly. I love how your body changed to make it possible for you to carry her. Don't belittle yourself - and her - like this. You're perfect to me, even with the swollen ankles and mood swings."
Cali pulled the door completely closed. He’d witnessed many badly written sex scenes, had been disgusted or amused or whatever, but he’d never gotten such a strong feeling that he was intruding on someone’s privacy before. “I don’t think they need us watching them for this. So I have to throw this out there. I think we’re in a goodfic. An honest to goodness goodfic! How did this happen?”
“Someone got lazy and slapped a ‘bad’ stamp on the Mpreg fic?” Cadmar suggested with a shrug. “I’m not sure exactly how the whole selection of missions goes...”
“They’re, uh, really enjoying themselves, aren’t they?” Cali said looking like he was trying to create a No Drool video in his head.
Cadmar looked at the words and smiled. “Yeah. Why don’t we stick around for a bit? It’s not very often that that the opportunity for a good lemon viewing comes around.”
“I’ve never seen one. Terribad ones, sure, but never a g-g-good--what are you--”
CENSORED
“I finished reading, and I didn’t see any charges in the rest of the fic,” Cali said putting his glasses back on.
Cadmar grinned as she pushed Cali over so she could sit comfortably beside him. “We’ll do a rain check on that meaningful conversation.”
“Lunch at the PPC bar tomorrow?” Cali asked.
“Sounds good to me! Oh, and Cali? Make sure you put your shirt on the right way this time.”
* * *
Maria purred contentedly, rolled up in as much of a ball as she could on the couch. “Mmm... fishies everywhere... all for me...” she mumbled.
Mark sighed from his spot next to her on the couch. “You never should have given her that catnip tree,” he said accusingly at Miah.
“She likes it though. Just look how peaceful she looks. She’s almost cute when she’s asleep.” Miah was prevented from spouting more embarrassing baby talk by a portal opening.
Cadmar walked through and dropped her P90 down on the chair by the console carelessly. “Hey all, how’s it goin-Awww, so kyoot~” Cadmar dropped her bag and leaned down by the couch and began playing with Maria’s ears. Maria began giggling and nuzzling into Cadmar’s hands.
Cali finally followed Cadmar through the portal into the RC. Not realizing that Maria was asleep he loudly said, “You guys will never believe what we just saw in that fic!”
Maria moaned and mumbled a few unpleasant things, curling back into a ball, snoring loudly. Her tail started swaying slowly in the air. Cadmar shrugged and started playing with it. “Yeah, it was pretty messed up,” she said, a lot lower then Cali.
Cali took the hint and also spoke quieter, “Unlike anything I’ve ever seen.” A smile threatened to break out.
Miah’s suspicions were sufficiently raised. She stalked over to Cali, and looked at him closely. His shirt was no longer on inside out. “What happened to your ear, partner?”
He reached up, to touch the mark on his ear lobe with a guilty look on his face, “N-nothing happened.”
“I bit him on the ear. I was trying to do the whole nibble thing, but it’s kinda hard with my teeth.” Cadmar grinned when she heard Cali gasp and sputter.
Miah paused for a few moments before changing tactics, and saying deadpan. “Kolya was actually a tentacle monster out for twisted revenge.”
Cadmar snorted and sat down on the couch and started playing with Maria’s ears again. “Nnnnnnnnope. Try harder.”
“Sheppard joined Todd and helped him conquer the Pegasus galaxy?” Mark asked, pulling out a book to read.
“Not even close,” Cali said sitting on the couch on the other side of Cadmar.
“Okay. Enough with the guessing. What did you find in the fic?” Miah said still giving Cali and Cadmar a suspicious look.
Cadmar stuck her tongue out at Miah. “We got a goodfic~” she said in a singsong voice.
“A what?” Miah’s suspicious look changed to one of confusion. “But it was an mpreg!”
Cadmar grinned unnervingly, causing Cali to wince slightly in memory. “I know! That was the best part! McKay actually acted like a pregnant person, and the whole thing was handled nicely!”
“Are you sure you didn’t miss anything?” Miah asked.
Cadmar nodded vigorously and started poking the tip of Maria’s ears, causing them to flatten against her head. “Yep! We got the pre-pregnancy, the not telling him stage, the find out scene. Ooooh, and then the find out scene turned into a GOOD lemon. Me and Cali read from the closet.”
Miah eyed the hickies on Cadmar’s neck and the bite on Cali’s ear.”Yeah. You were reading in the closet.”
Cadmar winked. “It was a very rare spice, getting to read a good lemon, so we didn’t waste the chance.” She turned a slight bit more serious. “Though someone was trying a little too hard to get me to take my shirt off.”
Cali blushed and looked anywhere but at Miah and Cadmar.
“So there’re no precautions that need to be taken?” Miah said, giving Cadmar a Meaningful Look.
Cadmar shivered. “No. Nononono. Really, the idea of sex while the wrong gender isn’t very appealing right now.”
Maria snorted loudly and jerked upright. “Huh? Wah?”
Cali jumped. “Nothing! We weren’t doing anything!”
Mark snorted in amusement, as Maria blearily looked around. “Wha-Cadmar, why do you have marks on your neck?” She gasped. “Y-you’re cheating on me with another vampire, aren’t you!?”
* * *
Caddy’s AN: We found this little gem while looking for some Bad Slash material. Seeing a popular pairing and mpreg stamped on it seemed too good to be true. And it was. Too good for a badfic to spork that is. It was actually a good read, and one of the better AUs I have encountered. It didn’t expand a whole lot on the other effects of Earth being destroyed, but that wasn’t the main focus of the story, even if it sounded interesting.
Miah’s AN: If this seems to be poking fun at the Intel folks, well, in this case, that points directly back at us. We started this one entirely expecting badfic, and went through this whole progression of waiting for the other shoe to drop--only it never did. Then we had the idea to highlight a goodfic, and thought that one that would sprig so many assumptions of badfic-ness would be a good one to choose! I hope you enjoyed it. We certainly enjoyed writing it.
Next appearance: Mission 17 (blank link)