Pillows and Zats and Sues, Oh My!
Disclaimer: The PPC was created by Jay and Acacia, the original Assassins. Star Wars and Lord of the Rings belong to George Lucas and JRR Tolkien’s estate, respectively. The Jedi and the Hobbit belongs to BonesDoUrden who will kindly keep it.
Thanks to the folks in the IRC for jokes and general assistance. This was co-written by Caddy-shack and me, and is a crossover of Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. The text below is a review in narrative form and also contains elements of parody/satire.
Beta: Doctorlit, DataJunkie, and RosieAzrael
Rating: T for Totally Not Ship Teasing
Cadmar’s Note: Well, I do find it funny I completed these training missions in reverse order. Bad planning for you eh? Oh, and I like the occasional short badfic. Unlike Eva, that 70K HP badfic, and a 60K Avatar fic, this one was an easily made mission. Though I do seem to find a lot of gargantuan ones easily though. Thanks go out to doctorlit and Datajunkie for betaing, and to RosieAzreal for helping us with Canon character lines.
Previous appearance: Mission 2: Of Glitter and Men
Pillows and Zats and Sues, Oh My!
Cadmar stood awkwardly outside the office of the Marquis de Sod, waiting for someone to come pick him up. He wasn’t sure what the giant psychic flower found so funny about him asking to try out each type of mission. He was at least excited about the opportunity this crazy place gave him. Travel into fanfiction, meet characters, use actual swords. He was especially pleased with the idea of almost guaranteed violence and no repercussions. Though, with only two machetes, his options were limited. At least until he found the Armory he had heard someone mention.
He made sure his belt was still there; Luxury was very...aggressive about things. Not that he didn’t like it, but it was a little too much to fall through a plot hole thing and suddenly have a girl, no, a hot girl make moves on you. He hoped whoever was going to help him out for his first training thing was good at it. Dying the second something as amazing as this happened would suck.
He watched a person with blue hair and a...large red flapping scarf enter the office, flanked by what appeared to be giant dandelions. Dandelions with weapons. Yes, this place was definitely going to be different...
*0*0*0*
Miah was watching Cali scrub the walls again. He was muttering under his breath about messes.
“Uh Cali, I think we need to talk, man. This obsession you have with cleaning is just not heal--”
Bip. Bip. Bip. Bip. Bip. Bip. Bip. Bip. Bip. Bip. Bip. Bip.
Miah jumped for the console.
Bip. Bip. Bip. Bi--
She hit the acceptance button and then checked the message.
Come retrieve this recruit from my office immediately.
The Marquis De Sod
“It says we’re supposed to go to the Marquis’ office to pick up a new recruit. I won--”
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!
Miah hit the acceptance button and glared at the console. “You had better quit interrupting me, you bucket of bolts!”
Cali stood up and checked the print out. “It says we have to work with a new guy, and there is a Sue and two continuums. Why would a Sue be from two continuums?”
“It’s a crossover. What do we have?”
“Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. Is Star Wars kind of like Stargate Atlantis?” Cali had taken off his cleaning gear and was strapping on his armor.
“No, not really. Don’t worry. I’ve got a bit of everything in my pack. If you’re ready, I guess we go pick up this new guy. Why I get saddled with recruit training and a green partner is beyond me.”
Miah opened the door to leave, but stopped and glared at the minis. “You guys behave yourselves and I’ll fix extra bacon when I get back. If this place is trashed, I might just forget to pick up more bacon rations for a while. No pumpkin guts on the ceiling this time, either, you little menace,” she said to Castor.
Castor mrrowed at her in what Miah was certain was a sarcastic tone.
Ronan stood in front of Cali’s room and crossed his arms as if he was daring Castor to try getting past him. He was rather fond of his bacon.
Miah shook her head, closed the door, and followed Cali down the hall.
*0*0*0*
Cadmar was asleep on a couch outside the Marquis de Sod’s office when Miah and Cali arrived. He had a large neon ‘Newbie’ sign taped above him.
Cali looked at the sign above the newbie, and then glanced above his own head. Miah snickered at his reaction and nudged the new guy with her toe.
Cadmar let out a snore and turned over, revealing that he was cuddling a stuffed platypus.
Miah looked at Cali and shrugged, “Well, it takes all kinds I guess. Hey, you! wake up!” she said, nudging him harder.
“Wha? OHGODINTRUDERS!” Cadmar lunged at Miah’s midsection and tackled her.
Miah’s reaction to being tackled was to grab for her tranq gun. Cali shouted, “Stop!” Whether this was directed at his trigger happy partner, or the stranger, no one could really tell.
Cadmar looked at him, and then an irate Miah, and back to Cali. “You’re...you’re not intruders...are you...” he said as he slowly got off of Miah.
“Little forward for a first date, don’t you think, Agent...”
And people actually dare to ask why I dislike Agents. A portal appeared in the hall.
“Umm, sorry,” Cadmar quickly put the stuffed platypus into a pack he had beside the couch. “So, you’re the people who are gonna train me?”
“Looks like. So lesson number one. When a Flower gets that tone and opens the portal into the fic himself, you better get a move on.” Miah ushered the other two agents toward the portal.
"Uhhh...for the love of the Republic, what happened?" she muttered, eyes still closed, mostly because the heels of her hands were pressed into them.
“Huh? What’s going on? Why is everything...gray?” Cadmar looked around at the nothingness.
“Generic setting. As in there was no setting, so the Word World has no idea how to manifest. Just don’t think too hard about what exactly you are breathing or standing on, and you’ll be fine.” Cali looked down, and then looked a bit green.
“Oooookay...I’m Cadmar by the way,” Cadmar said and offered Cali his hand.
“Cali,” he said. He looked down again, and then said, “And the Happy Thoughts Inducer over there is Miah.” She waved cheerily.
The last thing Kanin remembered was being in the hanger of a Republic starship, working on her fighter after having re-docked following a dogfight over Naboo when some kind of explosion knocked her out.
“Umm, dogfight with who? I’d assume the CIS.” Cadmar grabbed onto Cali’s arm, “Please tell me we aren’t going to end up in the vacuum of space.”
“Um, Miah?”
“Relax. We’re not in the vacuum of space. The Sue is rubbing her eyes, and can feel the heels of her hands on her eyes. She’s not in a space suit.”
“That still doesn’t mean we’re aren’t in the vacuum,” Cadmar said.
An unidentified feminine voice began speaking, startling the Sue. Miah waved smugly at the ghostly faint outlines of a room that had formed when the Word World had decided for sure that they weren’t in space.
Kanin bolted upright at the second question, looking around her with wide eyes-where was...SPACE? Where was Naboo? Wherever she was OBVIOUSLY wasn't Naboo. Kanin knew that planet almost as well as she knew the Jedi temple.
Cadmar scoffed, “I doubt you can know an entire planet as well as a small temple.”
"Uhh," she wracked her brain, trying to remember, "Kanin...Jaale. Where is Master Leroc?"
"Who?"
"My Master-Jedi Master Spydu Leroc... Better yet, where am I?"
"I have never heard of a race called 'Jedi' ...You are in Rivendell, Kanin Jaale, with the elves."
Cadmar tilted his head to the side. “I don’t remember a Spydu Leroc...sounds like something off of a name generator.”
Miah looked at Cadmar appreciatively. “Sounds like you know your Star-Wars canon pretty well. You can be in charge of pointing out Star Wars-based charges. Cali, you finished reading Lord of the Rings, right? You can be in charge of calling out charges based on that.”
“Star Wars was my obsession. Still kinda is. I wanted to be Boba Fett when I grew up.” Cadmar smiled, “So many good memories of the movies. I wonder why the Elves seem so keen on taking in strangers into their home?” Cadmar watched as the undefined room began to take the vague shape of an Elvish room, with a window giving a nice view of Rivendell. “Wow...We’re really here aren’t we?”
“Is Kanin Jaale an acceptable name in Star Wars, Cadmar?” Cali asked after he had written down unlikely naming in regards to Spydu’s name.
“Mmmm, yeah. They have a very lax naming system. There are certain rules for certain races, but it is mostly okay. Ever played Star Wars Battlefront? They name all the NPC soldiers, you can use that for a reference on how the names go.”
“What kind of game is that?” he asked absently while writing, then glared at Miah.
“Third Person Shooter. You play as one of five types of soldiers, for either the Rebels, Empire, CIS, or Republic, and kill the enemy in battles. It’s a nice change from only playing the main heroes. We should get together some time and play for a bit. I’m sure you’d like it.”
“Yeah, I guess so. I’ve never really played video games before.” He intensified his glare at Miah, who was now spinning around in circles, generally ignoring them and the fic. “If I am writing the charges, and spotting Lord of the Rings charges, and Cadmar is handling Star Wars charges, then what are you doing?”
“I’m in charge of general Sue charges and making sure the two of you don’t get lost.”
She lunged for them and activated both, the deep hum of the green blades putting Kanin at ease, "Thank the stars... Not only would Master Leroc have killed me, so would Master Yoda... Wait, I'm going crazy! What are you, what is your name, where is Rivendell and what are elves?"
Cadmar looked at the lightsabers with unhidden awe and desire, “Me want. Oh, and wouldn’t...random Elf lady be all, like, freaking out when she activated them? And how is the hum of a weapon relaxing to a peacekeeper?”
Miah wobbled in her spinning and fell onto her butt. “Maybe she’s a psychopath? And did you two miss that she isn’t capitalizing Elves?”
“I may have missed the Elf thing, but I’m not the best at grammar and stuff either. Oh, and psychopaths prefer to be inconspicuous, so looking all happy with a weapon is kinda off. Well, that’s only if they are trying to act normal.”
"That thing you just said...a power coupling?"
"It- ...Well it's like-" Kanin thought for a moment, then grabbed Arwen's hand, "Say this is a coupling, okay? A power coupling is a coupling that binds a certain kind of power together... Understand?"
“I...I don’t think you can explain advanced technology to Elves. And you explained it stupidly. Is that a charge?” Cadmar looked hopefully at Cali.
Cali looked unsure. Miah said, “Yep!” from the floor. “Pretty good one, too.” Cali shook his head over his partner’s lack of professionalism. Now she was pulling a sandwich out of her bag.
“Didn’t you just eat before we left the RC?” Cali asked.
Miah was methodically pulling the sandwich apart. She set the bacon she pulled off to the side, and shoved the rest back into the bag. “This isn’t for me. It’s for Middle Earth.”
“You’re...going to feed the continent?” Cadmar looked at Cali and made a ‘cuckoo’ motion with his finger, while pointing at Miah.
Miah pretended she hadn’t noticed Cadmar. She dangled the bacon in her out-stretched hand, and made encouraging noises in the general direction of the bed the Sue was in.
Cali was about to intervene when he saw Middle Earth emerge slowly from behind the bed. It was a toddler sized, smoldering monster that might or might not have had wings, and it didn’t look happy to be there.
“Wah! A...small Balrog? I don’t...is Morgoth downsizing or something? Are his forces in short supply?”
Cali gave Cadmar an appreciative glance that someone might have noticed lingered just a bit too long, if he hadn’t been wearing mirrored sunglasses. “Nice one, Cadmar.”
Miah was completely oblivious to the potential in the look Cali gave Cadmar, and began explaining what the creature was. “That is Middle Earth, a misspelling of Middle-earth. ‘Every name spelled wrong in ‘Rings, a mini-Balrog gets its wings,’ so this wonderful little monster is a mini-Balrog.” She pointed to the fireproof collar around its neck. “And it has been yanked in here from its owner. No wonder it looks annoyed.”
“I believe the fic has moved out to the veranda, Miah,” Cali said, pointing to where the Sue and Arwen were now standing.
"I'm meditating," she answered softly, not breaking her concentration, "It calms me..."
“Okay, I’m positive that Anakin says that EXACT line in Attack of the Clones,” Cadmar rubbed his temples, “I’m...I’m getting a headache from this...”
“That is called, ‘Stealing lines from canon characters’ on the charge list,” Miah said, inspecting their disguises for the first time. Generic Elves.
Four small men had been in the process of hugging each other excitedly
“Bow Chika Wow Wow. Aw yeah,’ Cadmar grinned. “I didn’t know this was going to have slash too!” he said excitedly.
“You like slash, Cadmar?” Cali asked.
“I love slash. It’s always great to read some good Yaoi, though finding it is another matter. How about you?”
“I never even knew about it until I got to the PPC, so I haven’t read much yet. I don’t have that many fandoms that I know very well right now.”
Miah was looking down into the room, and then at the railing, and back again. “Slash is nice, but isn’t it odd that Elrond has chosen to treat the sick...in a room with no roof? This should not be here.”
Cadmar shrugged, “Maybe Elrond knew she didn’t belong, and decided to be subtle with his attempts to make her leave?”
"Kanin Jaale-pleased to meet you," she smiled, noticing the Hobbit Frodo said was Meriadoc watching her every move.
"Why do you have black and red skin and horns coming out of your head?" he asked.
"I am an Iridonian-my skin is red, but I've had extensive black tattoos added to show my heritage-as for the horns, they are present on every member of my race, much as your small stature seems to be present in all of your race…"
Cadmar bit his bottom lip. “She is the same race as Darth Maul? I can see why, they are pretty badass-looking. But, don’t you think a red-and-black-skinned, horned person would at least raise a few eyebrows? Like, I know Gandalf told Frodo not to judge by appearances, but Strider was rough looking, SHE is just evil looking.”
“Nice of her to let us know up front what she looked like. It was pretty disgusting when she went from Generic Sue to that,” Cali said.
Kanin and Frodo were led to a secluded area with a semi-circle of chairs-already there and seated were four elves, five humans, three Hobbit looking creatures with an extreme excess of facial hair and a tall elderly looking man wearing long gray robes and a pointy gray hat.
Cadmar frowned, “Wait, so the hobbits JUST arrived, and the council is also just starting? Weren’t there a few days in between?”
The agents trailed the group heading for the Council at a discrete distance. “Yeah, Frodo was unconscious for at least a few days. Three, I think,” Miah said.
“And...they invited the female Satan-looking thing that just appeared out of nowhere to join because...?”
“We-el,” Cali said “They wouldn’t know what Satan is, but thinking she is some kind of servant of Sauron, or at least a really ugly orc, would make more sense than this.”
I will go-I will take the ring to Mordor," Frodo volunteered, standing up again, "But...I do not know the way,"
The man in gray stood as well and placed a hand on the Hobbit's shoulder, "I will help you there,"
One of the humans-the most rugged and road hardened one there-walked over and knelt before Frodo, "If by my life or death I can protect you, Frodo Baggins... You have my sword,"
"And my bow," one of the blonde haired elves added.
“So now Legolas is a girl?” Miah muttered.
Cadmar looked shocked. “Suddenly changing gender? That sounds horrible.”
One of the Hobbit looking creatures stood, "And my axe,"
Samwise, Meriadoc and Peregrin jumped out from hidden places in the bushes, "We're going with you, Frodo!"
"Uncanny how they appear at a secret council they weren't invited to," Elrond remarked.
“That isn’t what he said, you, you, SUE!” Miah shouted. Some of the canon characters twitched as if they almost heard her, and Cali jabbed her in the side with his elbow.
"...Frodo, I may not know much about anything around me, but you will have the Force and my lightsabers to protect you as well," Kanin spoke up suddenly, realizing this was why she was here in Rivendell, and came to stand beside him as well.
"So you are all willing to risk your lives for the sake of this Hobbit's ludicrous adventure?" another human questioned, then sighed and shrugged, "...Count me in,""Nine companions," Elrond mused, "So be it. You will be the Fellowship of the Ring-go now, prepare yourselves for the long road ahead of you,"
Cadmar slowly counted the characters as they talked. Then he counted them again. “There are TEN of them. Including Miss Evil, and the unnamed person who was all chill and laid back, who I assume is supposed to be Boromir.”
“Making Elrond unable to count to ten. Check,” Cali said.
“Mis-quoting lines, and using feminine adjectives for a male character,” Miah said.
“Uh, yeah, I got those when you were trying to blow our cover. Thanks,” Cali said sarcastically.
“So, what happens if we’re caught?” Cadmar asked as the Sue was given introduction to the Fellowship, who were given sparse descriptions.
“Oh, nothing much,” Miah said. The fellowship and other characters all wandered off to await the next chapter, which wouldn’t start until the next day.
“I think we are supposed to be training him, not trying to get him killed, Miah.” Cali said.
“Do we get an alert level like in Metal Gear? Do we get yelled at by a commander? That wouldn’t be so bad.”
“This is no video game, recruit. We don’t get to respawn when we get killed. We just get dead.” Miah was using her drill Sergeant impression voice. “If the Sue hears us, a few things could potentially happen. We pretend that we are just background characters, and she will probably believe us. They generally aren’t that bright. If we can’t talk our way out of it, then we might have to kill her early, before we have enough charges. Then we’d get to have a lovely discussion with an irate Flower, who would find even worse fics to send us to for punishment. Or worst case scenario--” Miah dropped the drill Sergeant impression and let her voice edge toward mania. “--the Sue convinces all these canon warriors that we are agents of the enemy, and they all attack us at once, our tech fails, we can’t portal out, and we die!” She turned and said with incongruous calmness, “There. You happy now, Cali?”
“...Wow, that was a sudden change of attitude. Sure you don’t have whiplash?” Cadmar asked sarcastically.
“It’s all part of being cuckoo,” she said, making the same sign Cadmar had used earlier.
“Strange, I’ve technically been insane for six years, and have yet to act bi-polar,” Cadmar grimaced, “Sorry, that was a little too antagonistic.”
“Eh, don’t worry about it. Acting like this is just one of the ways agents cope with all the badfic. I could be all serious, but then I wouldn’t have any fun, and I’d end up doing something like typing, ‘All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.’ over and over for three hundred pages and then strapping on a flamethrower to track down Mr. Rogers.”
“...Okay then. So Cali, I assume that is all an amusing story then?”
“Uh, Miah? Mister Rogers?”
Miah’s expression shifted to extreme disappointment. “You guys have never seen that movie? Seriously? I did all that build up to make you think I was crazy, and it was all wasted because you’ve never seen the movie? Bummer.”
“So there’s a movie where someone types that phrase and then gets a flamethrower and tries to track down Mister Rogers.” Cali said.
“No. Surely you’ve seen it, and just don’t remember. In the movie the guy uses an ax to try to kill his whole family. I can’t believe you haven’t seen it. There is a scene where a wall of blood crashes down at the kid, and he keeps saying ‘Redrum! Redrum!’ which I won’t explain, you’ll just have to watch it for that one. And this scene that is in the top ten scariest movie moments where the guy is hacking through a wooden door to get at his wife, and he sticks his head through and says, ‘Here’s Johnny!’ The look on his face is what makes the scene.” Miah wound down, still looking for some spark of recognition from the other two agents.
“...I can vaguely recall something about a kid on a tricycle...maybe?” Cadmar bit his bottom lip. “Sorry, but you do have me interested. Since you don’t know it either Cali, we should watch it sometime.”
Miah spluttered indignantly.
“That sounds good, Cadmar. So Miah, where did the flamethrower thing come in?”
“Axes don’t tend to do much good against Generic Surface, but Flowers are combustible. In the PPC the Flowers That Be judge forced retirement level of insanity by whether you are far enough gone to strap on a flamethrower and run through the halls looking for Mister Rogers. ” Miah was rolling out her sleeping bag and getting comfortable for the night while she talked.
Cadmar looked around, “Umm, I don’t really have any sleeping things...do I just steal some blankets? Ooh! And some pillows!” Cadmar looked excited at the prospect of looting.
“Sure. Take Cali with you. Just don’t be seen.” Miah rolled over and pulled the bag up around her head. The others could hear her muttering about completely wasted pranks.
“Alright Cali, we should get a nice bed for the night. Bouncy too. Oh, and pillows.” Cadmar said as he peeked around a corner and began walking towards a room that looked loot-worthy.
“Oh wow! You like jumping on beds, too?” Cali said excitedly.
“Yeah! All my old beds were all hard and crap. Plus, having a trampoline that you can just plop down on when you’re tired is awesome,” Cadmar opened the door and found a Generic Bedroom, lacking anything of value aside from a bed and a chair “Well, I guess it’ll have to do.”
“We better sleep out where Miah is, but--” Cali looked shifty and did an extremely obvious sneak toward the bed. “--first--” He grabbed a pillow, jumped on the bed, and smacked Cadmar on the head with the pillow.
“...Dude, you are so going down,” Cadmar grabbed a pillow and threw it at Cali while grabbing another and charging him with a battle cry.
A ridiculously long time later, Cali was on his back on the floor. He spit out a few feathers, and waved the shredded remains of the pillow’s ticking. “You win,” he said and let his hand flop to his side.
“Awwww yeaaaaaah.” Cadmar was face-down on the bed, with several ripped pillows covering him. He moved his arms along the bed knocking the mass of feathers off. “Hmm, weren’t we supposed to be getting pillows for sleep?”
“Uh, yeah. By now Miah is either really irked about us worrying her, or she’s asleep. Let’s hope asleep. The Hobbit’s pillow fight was my favorite scene in the movie. Only they didn’t make this much mess.” He lazily brushed some of the mass of feathers off his chest.
“Well, there is a couple blankets that can fold into pillows,” Cadmar said while he got up and waved the top blanket up and down, getting all the feathers off. All the feathers ended up landing on Cali, guided by the Laws of Narrative Comedy.
“Hey! I just half way brushed the feathers off there, bub,” Cali said in a mock growl. He sat up and picked up another blanket to fold. “We only have to have enough for you. I have a sleeping bag in Miah’s pack.” He looked thoughtful for a moment. “Actually, she has a ton of camping stuff in her pack. I don’t know why she sent us off to get more.”
After bringing the folded sheets back to where Miah was asleep, they settled in for the night. Cali noticed Cadmar pull the stuffed platypus out and mumble something to it before falling asleep hugging it.
The next morning Miah shook Cali awake and then poked Cadmar with a long stick to wake him.
“A Ten Foot Pole, really? Really?” Cadmar asked grumpily as he got up and stretched.
“I didn’t want to get tackled again. If you two sleeping beauties are rested enough after spending half the night destroying innocent pillows, then we should go before the food is gone. You can’t beat the food in Rivendell.” She already had her gear packed.
Cali blushed bright pink, and handed his neatly folded sleeping bag to Miah.
“We get to eat here too? This job sounds great. The next best thing would be being able to yoink weapons.” Cadmar’s stomach growled, “But food comes first.”
"Kanin!" a voice called as she spun around deliberately, twirling her lightsabers in methodical swirls, allowing the humming of the blades to calm her; she stopped however, when she heard Legolas calling her name.
“...Or not...”
Kanin moved over to where a bench stood and hooked her light sabers on her belt before unbuckling it-setting it on the bench, she unwrapped the light colored cloth which resided under her belt and set it too on the bench. Legolas then handed the sword to her and she wrapped the sword belt around her waist, angling it so neither the sword nor the dagger-which was also attached to the belt-would be in the way of her light sabers. Wrapping the cloth belt around her waist again, she levitated her thick leather belt-which held her lightsabers, food capsules, a small pouch of tools, her communicator and a small blaster-up to her waist and curled it around, catching the loose ends with her hands and buckling it closed again; unfortunately, the blaster rested over the dagger Legolas had given her and she was forced to further adjust both belts until all obstructions were taken care of.
“So, what DO we do with her stuff?” Cadmar asked while resisting the urge to grab the blaster.
“We steal it, of course.” Miah was eyeing the pouch of tools.
“I see several problems with this scene,” Cali said.
“I see a lightsaber and blaster with my name on it. But, ah, what’s wrong with the scene? Aside from being more descriptive then the rest of the story?”
“She’s using Star Wars-type magic stuff in Lord of the Rings, and she’s exposing these canons to her tech.” Cali was making notes that included the words ‘magic type stuff’.
“Yeah, that would be weird I guess. I wonder why she hasn’t tried to, I dunno...use her communicator!? I mean, I would call for help if I woke up in a place that was in the middle of a big war,” Cadmar’s expression of annoyance turned to confusion, “Is it normal for people to get this worked up over small details?”
“Yes,” Miah said. “It’s part of being an agent.”
Kanin smiled again, "You're insightful, Legolas… Jedi communicate with the Force through midi-chlorians. Midi-chlorians are a microscopic life form that reside within all living cells and communicate with the Force. ... Without the midi-chlorians, life could not exist, and we would have no knowledge of the Force. They continually speak to you, telling you the will of the Force."
He returned her smile, "We'll be leaving soon-do you have a traveling pack?"
“Wow, he sure took that well. I would be pretty skeptical if someone told me they knew how the universe worked. I mean, wouldn’t he just assume she is a wizard like Gandalf?”
“That translates to charging for further contamination of the Lord of the Rings continuum with non-canon knowledge, and lobotomizing Legolas,” Miah said.
Cali nodded, and wrote the charges down.
Kanin followed him quietly, grabbing her big, hooded brown cloak as they traipsed through her room toward their destination.
“What,” Cadmar deadpanned as Legolas and the Sue did aerial flips out of the room.
Cali giggled and added another charge to the list.
The agents were tossed onto the ground as the scene changed violently and with no warning. Cadmar and Cali ended up tangled in some bushes while Miah was knocked on her butt.
She purposely let down her defenses to see just what the little Hobbit would do; as soon as the Force whispered to her, Kanin jumped back and swung her sword arm around, a clang of metal swords ringing through the air. Boromir was working with the other light brown haired Hobbit-Pippin.
“OW! Your crushing my pelvis Cali! What happened!?”
Cali rolled over onto his side and groaned. “Scene change. Unmarked.”
Miah scrambled back behind the bushes, hoping the Sue had not seen her.
She grinned and called one of her lightsabers to her free hand and gestured to the small man to follow her. "This is the kind of weapon I'm used to," for demonstrative purposes, she smacked the flat side of her sword against a bolder, then activated the dark green blade of her saber and plunged it into the rock up to the hilt, "See?"
“And, once again, not a single one of them blinks at the devil chick who can cut through rock? Gandalf was nice, but not stupid. He would at least have Aragorn watch her or something. I...I don’t like her...a lot.” Cadmar raised experimentally and winced, “Ow, but I do still think a lightsaber is cool.”
Kanin returned the lightsaber and sword to her belts and retrieved the blaster, firing a few shots into the same bolder, leaving holes that were a few inches deep in her wake. Merry, being the curious one he was, went to touch the impressions, but the young Jedi shooed his hand away, "Unless you want molten rock burning the skin off your hand, I wouldn't touch that. Now…let's get back to that sword lesson-unless you want Pippin to be able to kill more orcs than you?"
“Poor orcs, they won’t even know what hit them. literally. Heck, I’m sure only the Nazgul will be able to fight her, and that is only because they are wraiths,” Cadmar looked thoughtful. “If memory serves me right, you get about five hundred shots with a regular Stormtrooper blaster per clip.”
Miah blinked. “Wow. I didn’t know that.” She eyed the blaster with much more intensity. Cali scrunched up tighter on his side, but didn’t make any noise.
Miah opened her pack and began to rummage through it.
"Sit down," Kanin ordered, unclipping her lightsaber again, "Boromir, hold him still…Pippin, this might hurt a little, but it will stop the bleeding."
Everyone in their group gathered around to watch as the green blade once more hummed to life and slowly pressed against the bleeding wound, the skin sizzling and leaving a thin trail of smoke as the injured Hobbit cried out in pain.
Cadmar’s left eye twitched. “What!? You don’t goddamned cauterize a wound with a lightsaber! One twitch and his arm comes off!”
"How did you know that would work?" Aragorn asked.
"How do you think Jedi quickly tend their wounds on a battlefield?"
Cadmar actually lunged at the Sue, and was quickly grabbed around the waist by Cali to stop him. “No. They. Don’t. You. Bitch. Nobody does that! Blaster wounds self-cauterize most of the time anyway!”
Cali clamped his hand across Cadmar’s mouth and dragged him further into the bushes. The Sue suddenly jumped to her feet and looked in their direction, but was distracted by:
The Force whispered to her and Kanin was soon on her feet looking in the direction they would be traveling later, "Legolas, what do your eyes see?"
Cali released Cadmar and made it to the edge of the bushes before he threw up. Miah handed him a bottle of water and a medicine bottle. “You know you are supposed to take this before scene changes make you sick? Also, don’t forget to add a check to stealing lines charge.”
“Eesh. Wait, what light is she-” The agents found themselves thrust, not only to a different setting, but a whole other universe. The gut-wrenching scene shift left Cadmar puking as well as Cali.
“Christ...” Cadmar spit and coughed a few times.
Master Spydu helped her to sit up and said, "Come young Padawan, let us speak to Yoda about this-perhaps he can explain."
Kanin followed him obediently until they reached Master Yoda's chambers on the Republic ship where he ushered for her to enter first.
“Oh...oh good, We get to see Yoda. If Legolas is any indication, he’ll be complimenting her on her fighting skills. I always wanted to meet Yoda, now I get the chance, but...” Cadmar rose shakily and followed after the Sue and her master.
Miah handed him a bottle of water as they walked. “So this is the Star Wars verse? Never thought I’d get to see this place.”
“I can honestly say, this is the place I wanted to go the most as a kid. Lord of the Rings was cool and all, but having an entire galaxy of adventure and possibilities can’t be beat. I hope Yoda isn’t trashed too bad, he’s got the funky speech thing.” Cadmar accepted the bottle of water and washed the taste of vomit out of his mouth.
"Troubled you are, Kanin Jaale," the small, old green alien smiled, "Explain to me your troubles, you must,"
Cadmar made a so-so gesture with his hand, “Not that bad actually.”
Yoda looked to her Master for clarification of the radical claim. "She has the gift of foresight, Master Yoda."
"How got there did you?"
"I do not know…"
"Young Padawan, tell me about this Middle Earth you will…See if we can, learn how you got there."
“...Of course, I may have spoken too soon...”
"I last saw my young Padawan in her quarters after she had repaired her fighter… She did not disappear from the hanger, but from her room after we were hit by the asteroid…"
“What? An asteroid? And the ship wasn’t totaled? Last time I checked asteroids were pretty damn big.” Cadmar poked a side of the ship cautiously, “I hope we don’t die of like, sudden ship breakage.”
Miah found the FLF and held the switch in the off position. “This is a Fic Location Follower. It should keep us from being dragged about. As long as I concentrate on keeping it off. It kind of has a sense of humor when it comes to turning itself on and off. Not following the action should give a few seconds to react to anything really weird.”
“Cool, I really have to stop by the place that has all these gadgets laying around some time,” Cadmar said thoughtfully.
"Meditate then, you must, young one. Get back to Middle Earth you must… Need your help, the Fellowship might."
“Yeah, it’s not like you would be worried about a Padawan suddenly telling you about a place that she could easily have made up,” Cadmar scowled at the Sue, “leave Yoda alone, the dude is senior eight times over.”
“Does he really sound like that in the movies, and how old is he?” Cali asked.
“Yeah, mostly. It’s done a lot better in them, though. It’s weird at first, but later on it sounds really cool,” Cadmar grinned and switched to an overly dramatic tone, “He’s over Nine!...Hundred,” he finished in a normal tone.
“Dude. He seems pretty spry for an over nine-hundred-year-old.” Cali wrote down the charges for lack of credulity on Yoda’s part.
“Heh, never challenge him to a fight. He will wreck your shit. He jumps around like a small kid on sugar and caffeine.”
The next thing she knew, something bright flashed before her closed eyelids and when she opened them, found herself opening her eyes and seeing white stone beneath her. She heard the soft sobs of three hobbits and looked up to see Merry and Pippin holding each other and crying; Boromir held Sam back from running into a dark cave while Aragorn ran after Frodo who was walking away toward Mordor; Legolas just sat silently upon a bolder, his chin in his hand, staring at the black tunnel.
“What a lovely scene she appears in, eh Cali?”
“Frakking button! How did it manage to go back to auto while I was holding it?” Miah rattled the FLF by her ear before chucking it into her bag in disgust.
Cadmar could see the moment that the scene registered for Cali. The proverbial light bulb almost made an appearance. “This is just outside Moria. Right after Gandalf fell.”
The Sue walked over to Merry, Pippin, and Gimli. None of them showed the slightest bit of surprise at seeing her there, even though it was apparent that she had been gone until that very moment.
“How-Why-They didn’t notice? Really? Her presence could have let them annihilate everything in there except maybe the Balrog, and they aren’t immediately concerned with the fact that she wasn’t there for them? That-that...” Cali spluttered to a stop.
“I would assume she was a spy now. Seriously, who has advanced weapons, and then vanishes ‘mysteriously’ before suddenly all hell breaks loose?” Cadmar patted Cali on the shoulder. “We are all confused, friend.”
Miah said, quietly, “I think we can kill her now. The others are not at the top of their game at the moment, and she really, really needs to die.”
“Wicked! So...um, how do we kill her? She has a blaster and two lightsabers.”
Miah grinned evilly and took her tranquilizer gun from it’s holster, “Looks like I get to shoot someone after all.”
“Okay. Simple enough. Er, do we have to worry about, like, them being all defensive of her? They could be motivated by grief to protect her.”
“She’s never away from the Fellowship for even a few sentences. We’ll just have to use these, if they get too antsy.” Miah handed Cali and Cadmar zat’ni’katels, “Have you ever used a zat gun, Cadmar?”
“Considering Stargate and everything in it was ‘fake’ to me all of a few days ago, no. But I do enjoy on-the-job training! Where’s the trigger?”
Cali demonstrated with his zat. Miah took careful aim at the Sue and shot her with the dart. Like when she had shot Cali, Kanin the Sue dropped after only a few seconds. Merry and Pippin screamed, as they were still being child-like under the Suefluence.
Cadmar, taking it upon himself to be useful, downed Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn with a gleeful look on his face.
“Cut it--Oh nevermind, too late for talking now!” Miah shouted as Boromir pulled Sam behind a boulder for cover. “All right, I’ll take the middle, you two flank him. And somebody shut them up!” She said the last pointing at Merry and Pippin.
She stepped out of cover and said, “Parlay?”
Cadmar snerked as he snuck around the boulders. “Now, time to show the world all those hours of Splinter Cell weren’t wasted.”
Cali started to point out to Miah that she was in the wrong canon for parlay, but shook his head and started working his way around to the side of Boromir’s cover.
Miah held her hands up to show they were empty. “Look, I know we didn’t exactly start out on the best note here, but we’re not the bad guys. We’re here to help.”
She saw Boromir suddenly break cover, grab Frodo, and dive behind another boulder. Yeah, this talking thing was going really well.
Cadmar had successfully snuck up on the boulder that Boromir was previously at. He jumped around it with an “A-HA!” and fired at chest level. What he didn’t count on was Boromir not being there, and an angry Samwise Gamgee, armed with a frying pan.
“Who are you, all skulking and sneaking? You're no Elves, and that's for sure!” Sam shouted as he swung and hit Cadmar’s hand, knocking the zat out of it.
“Yah! Jeez, that hurt!” Cadmar backpedaled quickly and drew a machete from the side of his pack with his uninjured hand. ‘Okay, so you are scary with a pan. Alright, just have to keep you from killing me until I’m saved...”
Miah heard Cadmar yelling amid the clanging of a frying pan, and started to run to help him. She had only made it a few steps when she was grabbed from behind. One chainmail covered arm wrapped around her waist, trapping her arms to her side, and the other pressed her against a chainmail clad chest. A gloved hand gripped her throat.
"What manner of wizards are you that make serpents spit lightning?" Boromir said harshly in her ear.
Miah heard the sound of a zat being fired just before being hit with what felt like a massive static shock moving through her entire body.
Cali watched Miah and Boromir fall to the ground, unconscious. “Sorry partner,” he said quietly, and then turned to help Cadmar.
“Okay, you are starting to piss me off now, Sam!” Cadmar shouted as he barely deflected another swing from the angry Hobbit. “Guys?! A little help!” he shouted as the machete was knocked out of his hand.
Cali finally had Cadmar in sight now. Sam was too close to him for a clean shot. He fired the zat and both of them dropped. Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas would be coming around any second. He grabbed Miah’s bag and concentrated on restraints. When he skidded to a stop by Legolas and opened the flap on the bag, the restraints were on top. He used zip ties to tie the Elf’s hands and feet, and hoped that Legolas wouldn’t be able to break them.
He proceeded around the clearing, tying canon characters up--even Sam. He was small, but he’d managed to give Cadmar plenty of trouble. He ended by tying the Sue up, and dragging Miah and Cadmar away from the other characters. Then he sat down between the two of them and waited for everyone to wake up.
“Ungh...what happened?” Cadmar asked as he slowly got up and used a rock for support.
“You caught the edge of the zat blast when I shot Sam. Sorry about that.” Cali looked a bit embarrassed.
“Naw, it’s all right. Sam is scary, man...” Cadmar picked up his dropped machete and the zat, “Hope she forgets I have this. This is handy.” He looked around, “You knocked out Miah too?”
“Yeah. I actually got Boromir through her, so she’ll probably be out a bit longer.”
Just about then, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli all started to wake up. “I can really see why so many slashers focus on Legolas and Aragorn,” Cali said.
“I prefer Boromir and Aragorn myself. Manly men and all. So, looks like you saved the day huh?”
Cali blushed and then said, “Eh, Boromir is okay, but I like the slimmer types, better. I was only in the right spot to save the day because I tripped and had to climb out of a hole.”
“Well, blundering heroes usually get better rewards.” Cadmar grinned, “ A kiss from the Damsel in Distress perhaps? Or a bro-hug from the guy who was beaten by the most Bad Ass Gardener ever?” His grin widened, “or maybe you’d like both?”
Cali’s blush deepened. He glanced at Miah. “I’ll probably be lucky if she doesn’t slug me, much less kiss me.” He didn’t comment on the bro-hug, but he did lean into Cadmar’s shoulder.
“This is nice. Actually being in Lord of the Rings. It’s like all those dreams you get when your young, and life doesn’t suck. Too bad I couldn’t meet Gandalf, he was always my favorite,” Cadmar looked at Cali, “So, while everyone is tied up, what’s your story? You look like you’re from some secret agency or something.”
“Really?” Cali’s voice cracked as he said it. “Oh wow. Most people just assume I’m a weirdo or something. I’m an amateur superhero from the Mystery Men continuum. We were kind of secret.”
“Seriously? I loved that movie! What powers do you have?” Cadmar asked excitedly.
“I can see in the dark...when it is daytime, and move silently...if a deaf person is somewhere nearby,” Cali said as if he was dreading the response.
“Wicked! You’re like Wesker, just...not evil. Or stupid. Or you don’t talk phallicly about writhing masses of tentacles. Oh, do you ever take off your sunglasses?”
“No,” Cali said quickly.
“Even better. You’re a good guy version of Wesker! You already have the ‘beating masses of people up.’ So, is it always this exciting around here?”
“Not usually, I think, but this is only my third mission. Being a good guy Wesker is a good thing?” he asked cautiously.
“Yeah.”
“Yeah what?” Miah said crankily, just waking up.
“Aw yeah,” Cadmar replied, like that answered her question.
“Which one of you shot me?” she said, sitting up and glaring at the other two agents.
“Cali did it!” Cadmar shouted as he got up and bolted toward the Sue, grabbing her blaster.
She leveled her glare at Cali. “You did it?”
Cali gulped and nodded.
Miah grabbed him in a bear hug. “Thank you, thank you! Just like I told you. If you have a stunner in a hostage situation, take them both down. I thought I was a goner there for a second.”
Cali awkwardly patted her on the back while his mouth hung open in surprise, and looked over at Cadmar.
Cadmar smacked his palm to his forehead. “Of course, of all my luck...” he said while sighing. He grinned at Cali’s dumbstruck expression, motioned to Miah, and made a kissy-face.
Cali turned bright, bright pink, and scrambled away from Miah. All the canons were awake and struggling now.
“Okay. So, we just kill her now?” Cadmar asked while pulling the Sues belt off and pulling the lightsabers out of it.
“No.” Miah groaned as she stood up. “Man, I hate the way being zatted makes you feel. No. We have to charge her before we can kill her, but she’s going to be unconscious for a while longer. My darts last longer than a zat blast.”
“Yeah, we can, uh, we can neuralyze the canons and send them on their way while we wait,” Cali said. He was standing with his back to the other agents, re-arranging the items in his vest.
After a quick neuralization, and instructing the Fellowship to head into Lothlórien as quickly as possible, the agents waited until Kanin awoke.
“W-what...? Pippin?” She saw three strange Elves. The looks on their faces were not comforting.
“Nope. We’re the PPC. We’ve been sent to charge you with being a Mary Sue. Cadmar, help me cover her. Cali, if you would do the honors?”
“Alright, so just shoot out her elbows and knees to prevent escape?” Cadmar asked while taking aim with the blaster.
“No!” Miah shouted, shoving Cadmar’s arm to knock off his aim.
“Um...okay?”
“Look, only shoot her if she tries something, at least until he’s done reading the charge list. We aren’t supposed to torture them. No matter how annoying they are.” She looked over at Cadmar, who didn’t seem to be the least bit contrite. “If for no other reason, you do not want to know what the Flowers will do to you if do it. Cali. Charge her.”
“All right, Kanin Jaale, aka Mary Sue, you are hereby charged with poor scene-setting, inexplicable inter-dimensional travel, lobotomizing canon characters, failing to capitalize Elves, explaining Star Wars technology to Lord of the Rings characters in lame ways and having them understand it immediately, calling forth the mini-Balrog Middle Earth.” Cali stopped and looked at the other two agents. “I think we forgot and left the mini somewhere.”
“Um, I remember it shuffling off when we were in Rivendell. I think.” Cadmar said.
“We have to go back there to neuralyze Arwen and Elrond anyway. We’ll pick it up then.” Miah waved at Cali to continue.
“Okay, so, stealing canon character's lines, causing Elrond to move Frodo's bed to an outside veranda, mucking with the timeline, disgusting PPC agents, looking like a mutant orc and not having the Elves attack you, temporarily turning Legolas into a girl, forcing canons to muck up their own lines, making Elrond unable to count to ten,” Cali paused to take a deep breath and glare at the Sue. “Contaminating the Lord of the Rings canon with uncanon knowledge of how the universe is governed, causing yourself and Legolas to do aerial flips while exiting a room, causing the canon characters to not be surprised at what Star Wars weapons can do, using a lightsaber to cauterize a wound, more line-stealing, making PPC agents sick, hitting a ship with an asteroid and having it be basically undamaged, causing Yoda to be overly trusting, using meditation to transport inter-dimensionally, making Merry and Pippin child-like, making the Fellowship not be suspicious of her disappearing just before they were in danger and reappearing just when they were in the clear. For these crimes against fanfiction in general, and the Star Wars and Lord of the Rings canons in particular, your sentence is death.”
“Sweet! So, how are we gonna do it?” Cadmar didn’t even try to hide his glee.
“She’s eventually going to remember what she is supposed to be. I say just shoot her.” Miah said.
Cadmar fired a shot point blank into Kanin’s face just as Miah finished talking. “So, what about the body? I don’t think an Elf would be pleased to find this littering their happy little forest.”
“You guys wanna see Mount Doom?” Miah said setting the RA.
“Yesyesyesyesyesyesyes!” Cadmar jumped for joy.
“Grab the Sue then. You can throw her in.” Miah opened the portal, grabbed her pack, and went through.
“Aw yeah baby! Mwahahahahahah!” Cadmar scooped the body of the Sue up and jogged through the portal.
Cali stepped through the portal, and suddenly discovered that he didn’t feel particularly safe being inside an active volcano. “Throw her in quick, Cadmar! I want to get out of here!”
Cadmar got a cheeky smile on his face. “No, she’s mine! My Precious!” he said in his best Gollum voice.
“Huh?” Cali said. Then understanding of the reference hit him, and he said, “Just don’t make one of us bite your finger off.”
Cadmar cackled and dumped the body over the edge. “Mission accomplished!”
*0*0*0*
“Alright, so how do we divvy up the loot?” Cadmar asked as the three agents sat around the pile of the Sue’s belongings. they were inside Miah and Cali’s RC, having entered there once they portalled back to HQ.
“I would like to have her belt,” Cali said. “It matches my vest.”
“Yeah, it does,” Cadmar commented. “I’d like the lightsabers, unless one of you wants one?”
“Uh, no, I better not. I might chop an arm off. Probably Cali’s. But I’ll take the blaster if you don’t mind.”
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Miah pushed the button on the console to accept the message. “Thank you for not interrupting me this time.”
While Miah answered the console, Cadmar had activated his new lightsabers and was moving them around carefully. “I bet I could take on the entire Empire with these.”
Agent Miah. Since you did not handle this training mission with a great deal of aplomb, you will now send Agent Cadmar to the Department of Bad Slash for his next mission. I trust that I will not hear of the entire Fellowship being ‘zatted’ again in the near future.
How did that Flower always know so quickly? She looked back at the paper printout, and toward the bottom it said: There is a reason I am the Head of the PPC.
“Okay, now that is just getting creepy,” she muttered.
“So, Cali, about that game of Star Wars Battlefront...”
“Hey, Cadmar. Time to ship out. The Flowers are sending you to DBS for your next training mission.”
“Department of Bad-Ass Shipping?”
Cali snickered. “Department of Bad Slash. Sometime later for the game then?”
“Of course. Hopefully it won’t take too long for ‘later’. Cadmar said as he walked out, completely missing the other agents’ expressions at his unknown taunt to the Ironic Overpower.
The End.
A/N Caddy: Well, that ends Cadmar’s Training thing. Ship Tease, Aw Yeah!
A/N Miah: I am not sure that it is possible to redeem a fic once you make Elrond unable to count to ten.
Next appearance: Mission 4: Almost Lost