Not Dead Yet (NSFW)
Touch your tongues to your brains, check your peanut butter supply, and don’t forget your Bleeprin for this mission DAVD sent Kali, Maeryn, Miah, and Cali on.
Warnings: rape, heavy violence, improbable injuries, and general squick. NSFW
Disclaimer: The PPC was created by Jay and Acacia, the original Assassins. Stargate SG-1 was created by Brad Wright and Jonathon Glassner, and is owned by MGM. The fic "The Smile When You Tore Me Apart" belongs to Maz Kazama (who can keep it). The text below is a review in narrative form and also contains elements of parody/satire.
Beta: Makari and Vilstrup.
Warnings: rape, heavy violence, improbable injuries, and general squick. NSFW
Previous appearance: Cameo A: Maybe You Should Have Shot Him
or
Previous previous appearance: Almost Lost
Not Dead Yet
Cali harrumphed as they stepped through the portal into their RC. Everything seemed to be normal: the floor was free of trash, the walls were free of bacon grease and chocolate, and no suspicious wires trailed from a newly disassembled piece of the console. No minis were in sight.
"Why is it that when I tell them to behave, we come back to pumpkin guts on the ceiling, but when you tell them they not only don't make a mess, but actually clean up the one they made? It's just not fair," he said grumpily.
"Oh, come on! You weren't happy when they made the mess, and now you're not happy that they cleaned it up? There's just no pleasing you."
“Oh, I’m happy it’s clean.” He raised his voice, “They did a really good job in here, and I am very proud of them! Even Ronan.”
The mini-Wraith briefly peeked out the bathroom door, and Castor, Abbey, and Magee crept out of Cali’s bedroom.
“It’s just frustrating when they only listen to you.”
“You need to lighten up sometimes. They can’t be perfect all the time...this is silly, I feel like we are talking about children here.”
“Yar, ye stupid bint. Where’s me cooked bacon?”
“Magee,” Miah said sweetly. The other minis backed away. “Is that the way to get me to make you bacon?”
“No, ma’am.” The mini’s face contorted into an expression that clearly said the words pained him greatly, but he continued, “Would you please cook me bacon?”
“Of course, Magee. I’ll be more than happy to cook you some bacon.”
“That’s why they listen to you! You control the bacon.”
Miah smirked at him. “Learn how to cook.” She got out the skillet and put several strips of bacon on to cook. “Of course, since Ronan and Castor eat theirs raw, I don’t think that really holds true.”
Cali rolled his eyes and stomped off to his bedroom. Miah heard him releasing straps on his green body armor.
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
Cali sighed, and stepped back out of his room, re-securing the armor. He knew better than to get comfortable.
He slapped the acceptance button and picked up the print out.
Stargate SG-1. DAVD. Jonas is tortured by the two people he loves most/Torture, rape, language. You will be working with Agents Kaliel/Maeryn from the Department of Bad Slash, Stargate Atlantis Division. She will be arriving shortly.
“DAVD? Did they misspell David?”
“It says DAVD?” Miah froze, holding one piece of partially cooked bacon mid-turn above the skillet.
“Yeah. What does that mean?”
Magee jostled Miah’s leg, and she remembered the bacon. “Disturbing Acts of Violence Department.”
“There’s a whole Department that I’ve never heard of?” Cali asked.
“Nobody likes to mention them. If this fic came through them, we’re going to have to repack the backpack.”
“That bad, huh? Do we really need help in this?” Cali asked as Miah rummaged through the backpack.
“Let me see the print out.” Cali handed it to her, and waited for the explosion.
She read it, and silently handed the pages back and, without a word, opened the weapons cabinet and began piling C4 into the pack.
“Miah?” She ignored him and continued until she had nearly emptied the cabinet. “Miah, are you all right?” he said, putting his hand on his shoulder.
She smiled, which came across as a tightly controlled, highly predatory expression, but answered with a calm tone, “Of course. This Suethor has put my Jonas through a DAVD badfic. Why wouldn’t I be alright? Now where did I put that Goa’uld Rod of Anguish?” She finally found the device in the dark recesses of the cabinet. “Perfect.”
“Is that a torture stick?”
Miah quickly hid the device behind her back. “No.”
“Why do you even have that thing? There’s no torture allowed.”
“It’s a special circumstance!”
“I’m not going to get roped into punishment missions with you. Give me that.”
“No.”
“Gi--”
Knock. Knock. Knock.
*O*O*O*
Quick, run!
“Just what do you think I’m doing, Kali? I am going as fast as I can.”
Maybe just a little faster, then?
The running woman sighed in exasperation, dodging around startled agents. Running wasn’t exactly out-of-place in HQ, and neither was talking to yourself. Managing to do both at the same time and hold a coherent conversation, however, was. The reason for the woman’s turn of speed was soon apparent when cries of “Repent, blasphemer!” and “The power of the Sunflower compels you!” could be heard in the nearby distance.
“Of all the times for this to happen to us,” the woman muttered as she turned a corner. Her pursuer seemed to have lost interest in her, or at the very least, had found a new victim.
Yes, well, I believe you’ve lost her, Maeryn. Maybe we should figure out where we are?
“Mm.” Maeryn slowed down to a walk, her long brown duster swishing about her ankles as she did so.
The doors on the walls of the hall they were currently in were labeled with a large range of numbers, though not with the one they needed- 4096. The mission had come to the console in their RC, but instead of letting them go on it alone, Kaliel and Maeryn were to join forces with Agents Miah and Cali, as presumably there was some Bad Slash that needed to be taken care of within the fic.
“Well, let’s get this over with, then,’ Maeryn said, and then began listing off a series of ‘Gate addresses they’d been to, Kali helping when Maeryn forgot. This was a sufficient enough distraction to allow them to wander almost directly into the door of RC 4096, with Maeryn stopping just short of actually making face-first contact with it.
She raised her hand and knocked three times after readjusting the small pack she carried, which contained many a useful bit of tech she’d come to need over the years working in Bad Slash.
There was a mechanical whirring, and then the door swung open. The greeting, “How do you do, miss?” came from near the floor.
From within the RC came an “Oomph!” followed by the sound of bodies impacting the floor, and a boy’s voice shouting, “Give that to me, now!”
A woman yelled, “No! I’m not going to use it on the characters! It’s for the author!!”
There were more sounds of struggling, a chair crashed to the ground, and the boy’s voice rose above the din shouting, “You can’t do that either!”
Then a teeny voice added to the mayhem singing,
“Whack fol the dah now dance to yer partner around the flure yer trotters shake. Wasn't it the truth I told you? Lots of fun at Finnegan's Wake!”
“I’m sorry, miss, its seems that this might not be a good time,” the voice from near the floor said.
Maeryn looked down to see a mini-Abby looking up at her, a worried look on her face.
“No need to worry,” she said with a smile. “I think I know just how to get their attention.”
~If you would do the honors?~ Maeryn asked Kali before closing her eyes and briefly dipping her head, letting her symbiote take over. Once she’d settled into control,Kali stepped forward and cleared her throat. Her movements were far more relaxed than Maeryn’s; she seemed to almost glide into the room, though that was more from years of imitating the way a Goa’uld might move rather than anything else.
“Excuse me? When you’re finished fighting over the pain stick, I’d like a word with you two. I won’t hesitate to use my zat’nik’tel on you if you don’t stop fighting soon, though. I’m not feeling particularly patient right now,” Kali said, raising her dual-toned voice to be heard over the shouting. She unholstered her zat, pushing the button on it. The whine of the activating gun alerted all those who recognized it that the weapon was primed for action.
Miah dimly registered the sound of Goa’uld speech tones, but she was too focused on fighting Cali to recognize the significance. However, at the familiar sound of the zat gun, she froze.
Magee’s voice filled the potential quiet.
“As I went home on Monday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a horse outside the door where my old horse should be”
Cali, who didn’t have experience with zat guns, took Miah’s sudden stillness as a return to sanity and snatched the pain stick. He turned to tell Magee to stop singing, but he too froze when he realized there was a weapon a few inches from his nose.
“Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that horse outside the door where my old horse should be?”
“Magee! Enough!” Miah said sternly.
“Uh, Agent,” Cali’s voice cracked a bit, and he cleared his throat, “Kaliel or Maeryn?”
“Ah, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
so drunk you cannot see”
“Kaliel,” Kali replied, deactivating her weapon and holstering it. “Sorry I had to resort to the threat of violence, but you weren’t listening to me. I presume you’ve read the mission briefing?”
Miah stood up and grabbed Magee. “Yes. We’ve read it. I was about to--”
“Bacon! Or I keeps singin’!”
Per the Laws of Narrative Comedy, the forgotten bacon chose that moment to fill the RC with smoke. Miah yelped, hastily set Magee down, and rushed to pull the skillet off the fire.
“Ye git! Ye burnt it!”
“Magee! Not now!” Miah felt a tug on her pants leg, and looked down to see Abbey looking at her beseechingly. “I’m sorry, sweetie. Here, this piece isn’t so burnt.” She finished distributing the bacon. Even Magee quieted down.
Kaliel watched in amusement, and then Maeryn asked to speak to Miah and Cali. What for, she didn’t say, but Kaliel relinquished control to her host anyways, once more performing the habitual prolonged blink-and-head-dip, even though no one seemed to be watching.
Maeryn blinked a few times before speaking; it was still mildly disorienting to suddenly switch from being a passive observer to being fully in control of her body, even after all these years of being blended with Kaliel.
“I suppose it would be best if I introduced myself,” she said as she waved some of the smoke out of her face with a slight grimace. “I am Maeryn. It is a pleasure to meet you both.”
Cali had begun compulsively cleaning as soon as the weapon had been holstered, but he stopped to introduce himself. “I’m Cali. I’m sure you know Magee’s name by now, that’s Abbey that answered the door. The dread-locked menace is Ronan, and the winged mad scientist kitten is Castor. He’s around here somewhere. And, of course, my rather homicidal, at the moment, partner is Miah.” He put the finishing touches on the cleaning, and other than a slight lingering smell of burnt bacon, you’d never have been able to tell there had just been a fight. “Are you Tok’ra?”
Maeryn raised an eyebrow at the phrase “winged mad scientist kitten”, but refrained from commenting. “Yes, I am. Kaliel is my symbiote. So, now that we have been properly introduced, perhaps it would be best if we started our mission.” She gestured at the console, which, to its credit, hadn’t so much as beeped once during the past few minutes. “If the fanfiction in question is as bad as the report says, then it would be highly beneficial to amend the damages it’s done to the canon of SG-1 as soon as possible.”
Miah searched the cabinets for a moment, and came up with a tube and canvas device which was taller than the backpack, but still slid into a side pocket easily. She looked longingly at the torture stick but said, “I’m ready,” before addressing the mini menagerie, “You lot behave yourself. Absolutely no disassembling any part of the console!”
Cali finished programming the portal and disguise generator, and added, “And no one give Ronan chocolate.” He started to press the button that opened the portal, but stopped and looked at the print out again. “Uh, guys? There is a potential problem, here. This all happens in a small room, right? Do you think those OCs are going to be able to see us through Jack and Sam?”
Maeryn frowned. “It is entirely possible,” she said, looking thoughtful. “Though with the level of OOC-ness that all of the characters have, they may just ignore us. After all, from what I read, it seems like both possessed!Jack and Sam are focused on causing harm to Jonas more than anything else. We could probably use that to our advantage.”
Cali activated the portal and stepped through into a poorly defined space. Jonas Quinn was huddled on the concrete floor wearing only green BDU pants and a heavy metal collar around his neck. A chain connected the collar to the wall. There was a door in one wall, which was closed. Jonas was whimpering, and covered with injuries. Cali stepped out of the way for the others to enter the fic.
Maeryn looked around, her eyes narrowed at the sight of Jonas slumped on the floor, but her expression settled into a neutral mask. She took a seat in a corner, watching Jonas whimper and shiver before examining the poorly-defined cell.
“Hmm...” She thought for a moment and then carefully and deliberately said, “I bet Sam and Jack wouldn’t notice a blind that acts like one-way glass. We could sit behind it and watch and they would not be able to see us, especially if the outer surface resembled the cell wall.”
It took a few beats, but the cell wall suddenly bubbled and grew outwards. Given the poorly described area, there was more than enough room behind the blind to have a comfortable amount of space for the agents to hide in without impacting the scene in front of it. A doorway formed in the side of the blind to allow entrance to it, a doorknob appearing with a small pop.
Miah entered the fic just in time to hear Cali exclaim, “Whoa! How’d you do that?
Any answer Maeryn might have immediately given was drowned out by the bold faced booming of the Author’s Note.
AN: OK, I wrote this when I was in a bad mood and decided to take it out on our favourite Kelownan. It's a hard read but I hope some of you will like to come along for the angsty ride.
Warnings: Torture, rape, language, (it's not for the faint-hearted...What? Don't look at me like that! I said I was in a bad mood!)
Maeryn seemed oddly unaffected by the Author’s Note, and she simply waited until it was over before shaking her head, rubbing briskly at the back of her ears, and returning to Cali’s question.
“It’s all down to the power of suggestion,” she told him. “Given the poorly described environment, the canon will respond to what we say, if we word it correctly. It is a trick I have learned in my years in Bad Slash.”
She went into the blind, noting with satisfaction that there were comfortable cushions and chairs within. It wasn’t something she’d asked for, but the canon seemed to be oddly accommodating, as if it knew they were there to help.
Miah followed Maeryn and Cali into the space, shut the door, and sat down, muttering imprecations about the audacity of any author that dared to do this to her Jonas.
Cali glanced at his partner, but decided that muttering was probably the best possible attitude he was going to get from her on this mission, and sat down with his charge list in hand. He and Miah were now dressed in the all brown clothing of Tok’ra fashion. Both sported shorter, brown hair, though no Tok’ra had ever before been seen wearing mirrored sunglasses with bright green rims like the ones Cali still wore.
It was dark in his cell,
The light in the room dimmed considerably, but the blind adjusted so they could still see the action.
usually kelownans had limited night vision but the limited exposure to daylight and bruises around Jonas' eyes meant his eyesight was not as good as it could be.
“Charge for uncanonical abilities and illogical negations of said abilities,” Miah told Cali.
“Not to mention a charge for uncharacteristically overwrought emotions,” Maeryn added as Jonas began to sob. “Even when he was tortured by Anubis, Jonas retained his defiant personality.”
“Jonas." Jonas tensed at the sound of the sing-song voice. "Jonas, you'd better be awake and standing by the time I get in there."
“Ah. Here comes Sam.” Maeryn sat up a bit straighter on her cushion, watching as the possessed canon entered the room. Sam was dressed in long blue robes, and her hair, according to the Words, “seemed to sparkle as the kelownan squinted through tears in his eyes.” This made Sam look like she’d had a ton of body glitter dumped on her head, and little drifts of sparkles would fall off whenever she moved.
The glitter flew up in a cloud as Sam, or ‘She’ with a capital ‘S’ as Jonas insisted on referring to her, kicked Jonas in the chest, and slapped his face.
"Please Sam…please." He whimpered but the woman paid no heed, flipping him onto his back and straddling his hips.
“...Kill them with C4? Too quick. Hmm, douse them with gasoline, set them on fire, then blow them up? Do I have any slow-acting poison...” Miah’s muttering got loud enough to be understood for a few seconds as possessed!Sam began removing Jonas’ pants and underwear.
“They aren’t replacements, you know. You can’t kill them, unfortunately,” Maeryn commented idly as Jonas began hyperventilating before passing out. There was a brief temporal shift as the story faded to black before anything happened, though what had happened was implied so heavily that, were it an actual physical object, wet tissue paper couldn’t hold its weight.
“I don’t want to kill Sam. I’m planning the execution of the alien possessing her.” Miah opened her backpack and began rummaging through it, muttering over the merits of various methods of causing death.
As they watched, Jonas woke up and began collecting his clothes, putting them on slowly. Despite Jonas going on about how much he loved Sam, Maeryn wasn’t really paying attention to the poor logic of the words until a particular sentence came along:
“Alright, so it was rape but sometimes, when a few hours had passed, he could close his eyes and just pretend that she had made love to him, the way it was supposed to be.”
Maeryn’s eyes flared gold in her anger. Authors trivializing rape was one of both her and Kaliel’s massive anger triggers.
“You- You foul little Hasshak of an Author,” Maeryn spat, hand automatically going to her zat gun. “Rape is not something one can just pretend is something else. It is never pleasant, and cannot be treated as something one just waves away.”
“What is that thing?” Cali said sitting up a bit straighter and pointing at a bipedal creature about eighteen inches tall, wearing clothes roughly sewn from animal hides, and a collar of tiny teeth. It had brown skin with green mottling, a deeply ridged head, rough ridges along the line of its cheeks and jaw, tiny horns coming out of its chin, and even smaller ones, mere nubs of bone, in various other places along the ridges. Instead of a nose, it had two slits, though its face mounded up to the slits, so it was not left flat-faced. It squatted in the corner of the cell, sniffing the air.
Miah paused her rummaging to look at the creature. “It’s a mini-Unas! Isn’t he sweet?”
Maeryn relaxed a bit when she saw the mini, a sappy grin forming on her face as she watched it. “I believe that is Hauk'Taur,” she said after scanning the Words. “And yes, he is adorable. Give me a second, and I will get him in here.” She got to her feet and opened the door to the blind, grateful that Jonas was too wrapped up in his own misery to notice. The mini, on the other hand, saw the movement and immediately went into a defensive pose, picking up a tiny spear that had been lying on the ground next to it.
“Shh, do not worry,” Maeryn said, crouching down close to Hauk’Taur’s eye level. “I will not hurt you, but it would be best if you joined us where it is safe. Can you understand me?”
Hauk’Taur gave Maeryn a calculating look and then quickly scrambled over to her, his small size giving him a turn of speed that his larger canon namesakes didn’t possess. Maeryn shut the door once Hauk’Taur was safely inside the blind, settling down on her cushion once more. It was then that Jonas attempted to lick the wounds on his shoulders. Given that the Words never said where on his shoulders Jonas was trying to lick, this created a rather disturbing image of Jonas’ neck appearing to have ten extra vertebrae, as this was the only way he could actually reach all parts of his shoulders.
“Ugh!” Cali shouted.
Any further response to this disgusting use of human slobber was cut off by the door in Jonas’ cell being flung open. The light from beyond the door briefly blinded the agents sitting in the blind, but the view screen quickly adjusted sensitivity for them to see Colonel Jack O’Neill entering. They lost sight of the action for a moment as the blind again adjusted its sensitivity after the door closed.
When they could see again, Jack had picked Jonas up with one hand, high enough that Jonas’ feet weren’t touching the floor.
“What, is O’Neill on steroids or something?” Cali asked rhetorically. “There’s no way he should be able to pick Jonas up that easily; there’s only about an inch difference in their heights.”
He then punched Jonas in the face, threw him to the floor, and began kicking him repeatedly in the gut, somehow managing “to angle his kicks so that his boot found Jonas' cracked rib every time”
“More super-human O’Neill charges. He should be taking damage to the bones in his hands. They weren’t meant to be punching hard, bony things like faces without protection, especially not for months,” Cali said, scribbling in his notebook.
After the fic pointed out that Jonas had been going through this for months, there was a strangled sound from within the blind that turned out to be Cali restraining Miah as she attempted to enter the cell to throttle Colonel O’Neill. Jack was screaming “Fight back!” at Jonas, who suddenly “weighed up his options, what the Hell? Why not fight back? Hey, maybe he might win.”
The sheer stupidity of the statement froze Miah. “He’s-he’s been here being beaten, abused, and starved for months, he has multiple broken bones, and he thinks he’s got a chance of beating super!O’Neill?” she spluttered. She flopped back into her seat, completely gobsmacked.
“I have a question,” Kali said, coming to the fore as she watched the scene before them. “If Jonas, Sam, and Jack have been missing for several months, why hasn’t there been any mention of a rescue operation by the SGC? Surely they’d send out teams if SG-1 had been gone for over a week, let alone such a long stretch of time. Oh, and another thing: where’s Teal’c in all of this?”
A few seconds later, a second mini-Unas appeared outside the blind. It was almost identical to Hauk’Taur in dress and size, though this one had slightly larger horns on its head. “And that, I believe, is Hauk’Tauri,” Kali continued on as Jack continued to kick and pummel Jonas, unerringly hitting the alien’s shattered ribs each time his boot connected. “It would probably be better if we got him after Jack leaves. Also, I’m not seeing any slash here. I pretty much assumed that possessed!Jack would have his way with Jonas as well, just to add insult to injury.”
Cali added a charge for using misleading innuendos, which annoyed a PPC agent. A sudden unmarked scene change jolted through the blind.
“Ow!” Miah yanked her hand out of her pack. A mousetrap had snapped closed on her fingers. “Why did I even have that in there? And set? How’d it stay set all this time...”
Damage from the shift was otherwise minimized by the fact that they were already sitting down.
Cali heard the telltale rattle of a pill bottle from Miah’s direction. Outside Jonas was huddled in a corner, crying heavily, repeating, "My name is Jonas." over and over.
all he wanted was some comfort, he wanted to feel safe. He wanted company but he knew now, company only brought pain so he wanted to be left alone. He didn't know what he wanted.
“Okay, see, it’s times like this that make me want to see things like this done right,” Kali said, waving at the Words in annoyance. She saw them in scrolling lines of Goa’uld hieroglyphs, running ghost-like against every flat surface in the room. “There’s so much potential here for a good story, but this author keeps messing it up. Exploring Jonas’ desire to simply feel safe, especially after having been exiled from the only home he’s ever known and then subjected to this, would provide a far better story than what’s here.”
The room outside the blind dipped briefly into darkness and then lightened again when Jonas woke to Sam stroking his cheek. The possessed Major injected Jonas with something, the effect of which made it “a lot harder to concentrate and he [Jonas] had problems connecting his tongue to his brain.”
“I have a hard enough time touching my tongue to the tip of my nose, let alone my brain,” Kali said, trying to inject some levity into the situation. “Of course, it could be different for Kelownans.”
Miah rattled the pill bottle again, swallowed pills, and then said, “I can touch my tongue to my nose. See!”
Cali tried not to look. He’d already seen his partner do that trick more times than was good for his anti-slobbering sanity. “You seem to be in a much improved mood, Miah. How about passing me that pill bottle?”
“You’ll keep it,” she said suspiciously.
Cali was glad speaking required her to put her tongue back in her mouth. “No, I won’t.” He crossed his fingers out of Miah’s sight. “I promise.”
“Well, okay.” She reluctantly handed over the bottle. Cali held up his still crossed fingers and pocketed the bottle.
Jonas moaned in the cell “as his pupils began to dilate and then contract.”
“Ah, you keep the bottle,” Miah grumbled. “Not many left anyway. Is that fluctuating pupil thing even humanly possible?”
Kali shook her head. “I was mainly a healer with the Tok’ra before I joined the PPC, and I’ve never found anything that causes something like that to happen. It would be understandable if, say, his pupils dilated almost to their limit, since it seems like he’s been given some sort of strong relaxant, but other than that, it’s not a viable symptom.” she said, and then swore softly under her breath as Jonas began to tremble violently and then wheeze sharply. “I think I might’ve been wrong. Either that, or there was more than one drug in that serum. Damn. I just want to run out there and heal him.”
Kali dug around in her bag and pulled out a healing device, sliding it on over her hand in preparation to do exactly that.
~Wait, Kali,~ Maeryn said sternly. ~We cannot do anything until the time is right. I know how you feel; I want to heal him as well.~
Kali sighed and settled back down, hoping that the mission would be over soon.
Cali tried to ignore Jonas writhing in pain in the cell. Sam had disappeared, and there had been another shift in their surroundings. This time accompanied by a rather disgusting taste in his mouth. He let his eyes unfocus to see the Words, which had formed a wall of text. Those always left a bad taste in his mouth. He scanned it for the important bits.
“...beings watched, human brain was easy to manipulate, the boy. had excited them, closest specimen they had found to a Hauk'Taur, get him to unleash his powers, cloning, create offspring...”
Cali stopped reading to rub his eyes.The wall of text was bad enough, but the random periods made it worse. “So this is all being orchestrated by some mysterious bunch of aliens that are possessing Jack and Sam, but think Jonas is a Hok’tar? If they could clone him, why are they also trying to get Sam pregnant? And if they did want to impregnate somebody, why use Sam? Why not take, uh, samples and go from there?”
“Did you just try to apply logic to a badfic?” Miah asked him
“I know, ‘One should never attempt to apply logic to a badfic. It only results in insanity’, but this isn’t even just illogical. It’s stupid!”
“Their knowledge of these advanced races were limited but only by trial and error could they truly begin to collect data on this fascinating species. Only then would they be able to create the army written in their history. Only then would they be able to defend their planet.”
“Not to mention the fact that they don’t say why these beings who’ve captured three-quarters of SG-1 are really doing this,” Kali pointed out. “Sure, the author says it’s because the beings need to defend their planet, but they don’t say what the planet needs defending from. Is it the Goa’uld? Is it Anubis? A little clarity would go a lo-”
Kali broke off as a temporal distortion passed over them. This was bad; it had taken an unspecified amount of days for the drug to wear off, and Jonas had gone without food for at least two of those days. O’Neill came in to beat on Jonas some more, and this time caused enough injuries to break Jonas’ right arm and leg, as well as part of his clavicle, which had pierced his skin, indicating a compound fracture.
“Charge!” Miah bounced around in her seat as she went into full bad biology mode, “That is so unlikely that the charge is at least highly improbable biology. A side impact like that could reasonably break his clavicle, but to have enough force and shearing motion to wrench the bone through his skin should have first caused serious damage to his shoulder, likely his spine, and his head should have impacted. Also, Jonas is thrown around in canon many times without ever breaking anything, yet this one impact causes all that damage? I don--”
Another temporal distortion-- this one of six days --flashed by, making Kali, who prided herself on having complete control over her gag reflex, feel incredibly nauseated. “Oh, Egeria, that was horrible,” Kali moaned, having curled up into a ball with her face buried in her cushion. “Please tell me that was the last one of those.”
Cali managed to scramble up and lean over the back of his chair before he started vomiting. Miah was possibly too stoned on Bleeprin at the moment to care particularly about any shifting the fic did, but at least she stopped the rant to assist her partner. She pulled a water bottle and wet wipes from her pack and said, “He has a weak stomach for these shifts. You should have seen him in our first mission.” She scanned the words. “I think that was the last big one in this fic, though.”
Sam was back in the cell, and ordered Jonas to beg her to give him food. His eyes had inexplicably changed color to a “dull green/grey” while Sam’s glitter infestation had spread from her hair to her eyes.
Cali flopped back into his chair, and Miah handed him a wipe and opened the water bottle before also handing that to him. He still looked rather ill, and didn’t say anything beyond a quiet thank you.
"I like it when you cry." She smiled
Miah suddenly had a rather evil grin on her face. “I think it’s about time to pay some aliens a visit. You guys can stay here and finish collecting those last charges, and I’ll go set some charges.”
“Set some charges? You’re not going to do what I think you’re-” Kali began, but Miah had already left via portal. “Well, this should be interesting. Does she do things like this often?”
Cali said, “Only sometimes,” and sipped his water carefully.
Meanwhile, Jonas continued to beg Sam for his food, but Sam wasn’t having any of it. She ignored him and left. An hour later, during which Kali cleaned up the mess that Cali had made and healed her fellow agent enough for him to continue, Jack came in bearing a plate of what the author called food but looked more like grey mush. With a demand for Jonas to eat, Jack set the plate down on the floor. Jonas crawled to the plate and began to wolf down the food, totally ignoring the injuries which, by all rights, should’ve immobilized him at the very least.
*O*O*O*
Miah surveyed her handiwork. That should about do it. She screwed the lid back on the jar of peanut butter, and proceeded to douse the restrained aliens with the Kool Aid from her water bottle. Then she took out a lighter and casually began flipping it on and off while she paced in front of them. They shuddered every time it flicked on.
“You two are charged with--” She paused and fiddled with the RA, opening a portal into the blind. “You two got the rest of those charges?” she yelled through the portal.
Maeryn picked up the charge list and cleared her throat. “Unnamed aliens, aka avatars of the Author, you are hereby charged by agents of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum with the following crimes against the canon of the Stargate SG-1 universe: Causing violent shifts in the characters of Colonel Jack O’Neill, Major Samantha Carter, and Jonas Quinn. Using rape as a plot device. Having Jonas survive severe injuries for months on end without proper nutrition, water consumption, or medical care.” She paused, and then handed the list to Miah. “Would you care to continue on? This is more your area of expertise, anyways.”
Miah added, “With leaving Teal’c completely out of the story, with having Sam and Jonas in an established relationship, with changing Jonas’ eye color and claiming that Kelownans can see in the dark, for many instances of not using proper capitalization, for writing torture badly, ignoring everything that could possibly have made the story better, and using the reason of being in a bad mood to excuse all that bad writing.You also have several cases of using an exclamation point where a period should have been, randomly placed periods, for causing a Bad Slash agent to be sent on this mission due to the implication of Bad Slash, for making Jonas lick himself--he’s not a cat, you know--for creating two mini-Unas, having one of the dumbest justification speeches in the history of dumb justification speeches, extremely bad biology, highly improbable biology, bad psychology--”
Cali interrupted to add, “failing to mark scene changes, putting scene changes mid-paragraph, and making a PPC agent sick. Also, randomly changing the descriptions of injuries within the same scene, and turning Colonel O’Neill into super!Jack, for dragging this out for another three months of terribly handled angst, and for including the oddest deus ex machina I’ve ever seen!”
“Yes, thank you by the way for including a handy explosion. It gives me great pleasure to be able to blow you up.” Miah stepped through the portal into the blind, but kept it open. She pressed the activator and then closed the portal. “I set the charges for a thirty second delay.”
“And the peanut butter?” Maeryn asked, arching an eyebrow. “What was that for?”
“Scared ‘em, didn’t it? I might have led them to believe it was an explosives gel, which activated when exposed to the red liquid I had in my bottle, and that the lighter would trigger it.”
Maeryn laughed appreciatively and then nodded at the scene unfolding outside the blind. Sam had come into the room while the charges were being read, and was watching Jonas while Jack just stood there. “I think we should get them out of the way before this goes much farther.”
A violent tremor suddenly shook the room, marking the end of the countdown.
“And that, I believe, is our cue,” Maeryn said with a smile. She picked up her pack and put it on, letting its weight settle on her back before motioning for Hauk’Taur to follow her. The little Unas had been watching everything with interest, though there was still a trace of suspicion in his expression. He hesitated a moment before following Maeryn, who was holding the door open for her fellow agents.
Miah pulled the collapsible stretcher she had added to her pack out and snapped it together, while Cali checked on Hauk’Tauri, who had been left in the cell all this time. Maeryn stepped out of the protection of the blind and made herself known to the confused canons.
“Excuse me? Yes, hello, there. If you would kindly look this way?” she said, drawing attention to herself. Sam and Jack turned from their horrified examination of Jonas’ injuries and instinctively fell into defensive positions. They relaxed a bit when they saw the all-brown ensembles Maeryn, Cali, and Miah were wearing, as they associated that color with the Tok’ra, who at this point in time were still allies of the Tau’ri.
“What’s going on? Who are you, and where are we?” Jack demanded, stepping forwards.
“All of that will be explained if you look here,” Maeryn told him, slipping on a pair of mirrored sunglasses. “You too, Mister Quinn.” She held up the neuralyzer, but paused before hitting the button.
“Miah, Cali, are you ready for this?” she asked, glancing back at her fellow agents. “We don’t have much time before this place collapses on us.”
Miah slipped her glasses on and said, “We’re ready.”
Maeryn nodded and then turned back to look at the canons. “Very well.” She activated the neuralizer, erasing the memories of the past four months or so. The three canons’ faces went slack and their gazes blanked.
“Okay, then. This was all a dream which none of you will remember at all when you wake up. Jonas, please lie down on the stretcher here and then go to sleep for the next three hours.” Maeryn began after taking her sunglasses off and pocketing the neuralizer. Jonas, his blank face at odds with the pain he should’ve been experiencing, did as he was told, going limp in a true sleep once he had settled down. “Colonel O’Neill, Major Carter, pay attention, please. You were sent on a recon mission to a planet rumored to have large deposits of naquadah. This turned out to be false, but you will spend three days on the planet as per mission specs.
“You will return to the SGC on the fourth morning and give your report to General Hammond. Teal’c didn’t come along with you because he was visiting Rya’c.”
Maeryn looked thoughtfully at Sam, idly tapping the neuralizer against her palm.
“We’re going to have to take care of that pregnancy,” she mused. “Colonel O’Neill, if you would just step this way, you can get to your campsite, where you will find your tents and supplies.”
She motioned for Miah to open a portal, as she was the one with the RA, but stopped Jack before the portal could be opened. “Oh, wait a second. Colonel, may I see your hands?”
The docile effect of the neuralizer was starting to wear off, but Jack still did as asked. Maeryn tsked at the sight of Jack’s outstretched hands, which were raw, red, and torn from the beatings he’d been giving out over the last few months. With a few quick movements, Maeryn used the healing device to take care of Jack’s injuries before sending him on his way.
“Do you have a debugger?” Miah asked as the portal closed behind the Colonel.
“It’s standard equipment,” Maeryn said, taking off her pack and opening it.
She rummaged through it and then produced the debugger, carefully setting it to one side before drawing her zat. Sam was coming out of the docility produced by the neuralizer as well, and was starting to look mildly panicked at the absence of her CO and the injuries sustained by her sleeping teammate. With a sigh, Maeryn leveled the zat at Sam and stunned her, making her collapse to the ground.
“Well, that was easy, I suppose,” she said, attaching one end of the debugger to a large, specially prepared jar and the other to Sam’s navel, the needle sliding into place through the fabric of Sam’s robes with a disconcerting squelching noise. With one swift press of the candy-blue button, a stream of glitter flew along the tube, going from Sam to the jar, the end result of which was a jar full of swirling glitter and a Major who was no longer pregnant.
Miah had pretended she had not seen or heard any of the debugging process, though as soon as it was over, she interrupted her focus on Jonas to re-open the portal to camp. Maeryn nudged the groggy Major through the portal, and it snapped closed. It seemed that somehow the illogic of the story that had been keeping Jonas alive in the face of sheer biological impossibility was still in effect, as he was not dead yet. Miah had decided there was not much in the way of first aid that she could render, as his injuries were either internal or too severe for less than trauma specialist intervention. Unable to do anything else, she settled for brushing his hair away from his forehead. Repeatedly.
Cali approached the group with Hauk’Tauri following him munching on a chocolate energy bar like the ones that SG-1 always carried with them. Hauk’Taur looked ready to challenge the other mini-Unas--even though Hauk’Tauri appeared more mature and therefore higher ranking--until Cali handed him one also.
“What is that?” Cali asked, staring at the jar full of swirling glitter.
“This,” Maeryn said, pocketing her healing device and carefully picking up the jar, “Is the beginnings of a badfic baby. I will take it to the Nursery where they will be able to take care of it properly. Don’t worry; the baby should turn out perfectly normal, if a little over-cute. Luckily, there wasn’t much time for it to grow too much and develop large amounts of Suvian powers.”
She examined the sparkling mass critically, and then made a noncommittal noise. “It is too early to determine what sex it will be, though.” She gently put the jar into her pack and then turned to look at Jonas. “We need to get him to Medical soon; the protection of the illogic of the fic will not hold for much longer.”
Miah opened the portal to Medical, and grasped the handle on the right side of Jonas’ head. Cali took the handle on the left, which left Maeryn and her symbiote enhanced strength to get his feet. They stepped through the portal, which left the protecting effects of the story behind.
Maeryn took the far end of the stretcher, lifting it easily. Once she passed through the portal into Medical, she called out, “Urgent help needed right away. Injured canon incoming!” The two mini-Unas scrambled through the portal just before it closed.
To their credit, the Medical staff responded in less than half a minute, several strong Nurses taking over the job of carrying the stretcher until a gurney could be brought. Jonas was quickly whisked away into a private room where Doctor Fitzgerald would be heading the team that would be taking care of the injured canon. They put the stretcher to one side, leaving Miah, Cali, Maeryn, and the two minis standing in the waiting room.
“Well, I suppose I should deliver the embryo to the Nursery,” Maeryn said after a few minutes of silence. “It was a pleasure working with you two, even if there wasn’t much I was able to do.”
“You helped a lot. We would have had to bring Jack and Sam into Medical as well. We’ll hang around here, so we can give them the coordinates of where to deliver Jonas to when he’s released.” Miah stopped and looked around shiftily. “Maybe I can be the one to take him back to canon.”
Maeryn raised an eyebrow. “Perhaps it would be better if someone who did not have Jonas Quinn as a registered Lust Object returned him to his home,” she commented, keeping her tone mild. “It will probably take some time before he is healed completely; I can return here when I finish delivering the newest addition to the Nursery.”
Nurse Lillian stepped into the waiting room about that time. “Actually, Agents Mal, that won’t be necessary. I will download the coordinates from Agent Miah’s Remote Activator right now, and we will forward them to FicPsych when we send Mr. Quinn to them.” She held up a hand as Miah started to speak, “And, no, Agent Miah, neither FicPsych or Medical requires your assistance in transferring Mr. Quinn.”
Miah spluttered, but hit the transfer button to send the data to Nurse Lillian’s computer. “Are you sure? Can’t I come visit?”
Maeryn simply nodded and then retrieved the jar containing the swirling cloud of glitter from her pack after taking the pack off. “Very well,” she said, setting the jar on a nearby table. “I’ll need an uterine replicator for this.” She tapped the top of the jar. “And I understand you wanted to talk to Kali and me about Tok’ra physiology?”
Miah saw Nurse Lillian’s face light up at Maeryn’s words. This might be her chance to check up on Jonas. She edged her way toward the treatment room, and thought she was going to make it.
Of course, this was the exact moment that Lillian stopped talking to Maeryn, and said loudly, “That’s it, Agent Miah! You’re banned until Jonas Quinn is no longer present. You also, Agent Cali.” She said as a softer aside to Cali, “That takes away the ‘Badger-my-partner-into being-my-spy’ angle; trust me, this is for your good.” Then louder to Miah again, “You will receive notification through your console when the ban is lifted. Now, out!” She herded the two agents out the door. Hauk’Tauri followed Cali, waving the empty chocolate bar wrapper. Lillian spent a few moments programming the panel next to the door.
“What did that do?” Maeryn noted that Hauk’Taur was digging through her pack, sniffing at various items, occasionally licking them, then setting them aside when he decided they weren’t food. He finally came up with something he deemed edible and crouched in a corner, munching.
“Biometric sensors. If either of them attempt entry, it will sound an alarm. They won’t like it if they try to force their way in after the alarm has sounded. Now, let’s see about getting this little one settled, shall we?”
Next appearance: A Year and a Day (Unfinished--blank link)