App.
Name: GLaDOS (Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System)
Age: 9999999999--[Error detected]
Series: Portal/Portal 2
Job: Camp Testing Monitor
Canon: Welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center, where your participation as a test subject is key to the progression of ~science~! As part of the curriculum, you will be required to solve a series of physics-bending puzzles using the handheld Portal device, the latest in quantum-space-hole-technology. Using the Portal gun, you make your way through a series of test chambers to solve a variety of fun and unique puzzles, all for the good of science! And if you happen to encounter poisonous bodies of water, military turrets whose only purpose is to kill all humans, deadly lasers, fire, the potential of falling to your doom, or the danger of being smashed to death by spiky plates, just remind yourself that it's all part of the scientific process. What you should be worried about is the fact that there's only one human being in the entire Enrichment Center: you. Aperture's team of scientists and engineers was wiped out by a rogue AI turned gleefully murderous after getting a little too drunk on her own power. Originally designed to be nothing more than a sentient disk-operator, the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System (or GLaDOS for short) makes being a subject at Aperture quite literally a test of life or death--all in the name of science.
Now, I want you to read this carefully, because she's probably watching and I don't have much time. Here's what you need to know about GLaDOS: she is incredibly volatile and has no regard for your feelings or your life, so don't sass her. She likes to pile on the false praise to new recruits, so she can lure you into the spider's web. Did you ever see 2001: A Space Odyssey? Yeah, it's like that, only with lasers and turrets. She's a passive-aggressive liar, and that's on a good day. She can be incredibly bitter and sarcastic sometimes, not to mention her sense of humor is really sick. The good news is, if she starts to monologue during the test--and she will, she's very self-centered--you might be able to buy some time to plan an escape before she figures out what you're doing. The most important thing to remember is that she's more powerful than you realize, and there's pretty much no place you can run where she can't catch you; hell, it's possible she'll hack this message as soon as it gets out. And for the love of all that is holy, if she tells you there is cake, it's a li0000004000000e01100011011000010111001001101111011011000110100101101110011001012192192192192192192192192199999999,,,,,,,,
sAmPLe pOStt;
>>Corrupt data detected within file "GLaDOSapp.txt".
>>Uploading backup file.
>>Error detected.
>>Error detected.
>>Error detected.
>>File "GLaDOSapp.txt" deleted.
>>Uploading backup-backup file.
>>Data override.
>>Loading GLaDOS.exe...
>>Attention new test subjects: as per standard protocol for all Aperture Science employees, I must inform you that any corrupt data within the network should be discarded immediately upon discovery. Given the recent instability of your online facilities, I am sure it must be quite tiring to have to constantly disregard every little byte that looks at you funny. Luckily, with the implementation of Camp [insert obscenity here]'s new Testing Enrichment Center, there will be plenty of opportunity to focus on more important things. Like science. If you'll just stand up from your computer desk and turn around, you'll see I've generously provided a tunnel path from [insert subject's place of dwelling here] into one of my new testing chambers. Oh, don't worry about the damage to the infrastructure; a team of facility construction workers will be dispatched to repair everything, if they exist. Mind the cornstalks growing through the panels, though. I can't promise they aren't imbued with radiation, so if you rubbed your face all over them already you probably now have ears of corn. That was a pun, by the way. Ha ha. In case you didn't pick up on it.
If you are worried that these tests will be dangerous or difficult, I would advise you to turn your thoughts instead to how proud your [friend(s)/family member(s)/classmate(s)/roommate(s)/prison guard(s)/imaginary companion(s)] will be of your accomplishments. Without human test subjects, isn't building a labyrinth of death--sorry, I meant to type "test"--chambers ultimately pointless? There is some curious quality present in your race that makes you the ideal subject, and it isn't just the ability to cry about being thirsty and wanting to go home. Prove humanity's infinite potential by following a series of standardized testing procedures and ignore any lingering thoughts concerning the danger of your surroundings. The Enrichment Center assures you that such things are only there to encourage participation; I can assure you that I like deadly lasers, fire, and turrets shooting at you. They make the testing so much more informative. And you can add that to your list of achievements once we're done.
Good, you made it all the way here. And with hardly any requests for cake, that's very impressive. By the way, if you encounter other test subjects during the course, pay them no mind. I harvested a crop of zombies to see how the postmortem state effects a subject's ability to test. The results were highly interesting: in groups of four or more, zombies actually finish 9.8% faster than the average living human given sufficient sustenance. Isn't that fascinating? Those numbers are promising. Therefore, in the interest of science, I'm going to lobotomize your brain from your body and feed it to variable group X. Don't worry, you'll still be able to complete the test with the rest of the undead subjects in variable group Y.
There's no need to be frightened. You'll still be proving humanity's something something or other, but much more effectively now. I am told lobotomization doesn't hurt at all with proper anesthesia, but of course, what would I do with anesthesia? I'm a computer. I don't feel pain, do I?_
App went here; dup at 81.8%. 36 in, 4 second app, 4 out.