state of the mental state, part 1
in 2008 i took some time away from internetland because my workload got more insane than i could have imagined.
around that time, i inadvertently ripped a giant whole in my relationship w/ mgr., which made my life miserable. we'd been getting along relatively well for most of 2008, but around sept. everything came to a head. though i felt strongly about my positions on things, our interactions were painful, and continue to be to this day. the worst part of it is, i don't know what i could've done differently to make them better, or how i should move forward. i had the best of intentions, but things went waaaaay south. and so... this past fall i spent the better part of my free time either working or trying to keep breathing. i could do nothing else.
around nov., in the midst of mayhem, d and i got the chance to go to kauai. we'd never been there, though we've been to maui several times. we had just been to maui in september, in fact. it was crazy to think of going back to hawaii so soon, but a great resort came up (due to timing, much better than we would have gotten otherwise). we had to jump on it. BUT. i knew it was a bad time to go. i was trying to be responsible about it -- the big project was supposed to end in november (after delays since july) -- but what hope did i really have that it would?
so... i have a problem with the whole vacation thing time. i'm a travel junkie, so a few weeks doesn't cut it. and the thing about having a husband that gets to go cool places (cue sparks) for work is that there are always opportunities to go cool places where the hotels are paid for and my flight can be gotten for frequent flyer miles! i count myself lucky. but personal travel just for fun - for both of us - doesn't come around too often. and so? KAUAI! i mean, how many people get to go to hawaii two times in three months? how crazy (in a good way)!
the other problem with vacations is that there's never a good time to take them. you book something months in advance. the time comes. and guess what? it's not a good time. usually you just go -- in spite of whatever's going on at the office -- and when you come back, the world hasn't ended. life goes on. but this time... i knew it was especially NOT a good time. and what did i do? i went anyway!
i told mgr. i wanted to go, and she said "go, go. use your pto." and so i did. i told her i was worried that it wasn't a good time. and to her credit, again she said "go!" and it was exactly the wrong time. ...as if there could BE a good time, but this was seriously The Worst Time Ever (TM). (mind you, this has nothing to do with our problems communicating. she was actually being quite decent about this.)
so in november d and i were getting ready to set off for kauai, and i was panicking about leaving because i was starting to get a taste of how bad a time it was to be going and...
d got laid off.
THUNK. (other shoe? fallen.)
so, there we were, all set to go to kauai, and feeling really stupid about it. i mean, what kind of idiots go to hawaii two times in three months when one of them doesn't even have a job? who the hell did we think we WERE? but... we were going to lose the chance. we were going to lose our deposit. we were going to have to rebook or lose the vacation week entirely. and so? we went anyway.
(the rest i'll have to write in another post, because this one is getting quite long!)
around that time, i inadvertently ripped a giant whole in my relationship w/ mgr., which made my life miserable. we'd been getting along relatively well for most of 2008, but around sept. everything came to a head. though i felt strongly about my positions on things, our interactions were painful, and continue to be to this day. the worst part of it is, i don't know what i could've done differently to make them better, or how i should move forward. i had the best of intentions, but things went waaaaay south. and so... this past fall i spent the better part of my free time either working or trying to keep breathing. i could do nothing else.
around nov., in the midst of mayhem, d and i got the chance to go to kauai. we'd never been there, though we've been to maui several times. we had just been to maui in september, in fact. it was crazy to think of going back to hawaii so soon, but a great resort came up (due to timing, much better than we would have gotten otherwise). we had to jump on it. BUT. i knew it was a bad time to go. i was trying to be responsible about it -- the big project was supposed to end in november (after delays since july) -- but what hope did i really have that it would?
so... i have a problem with the whole vacation thing time. i'm a travel junkie, so a few weeks doesn't cut it. and the thing about having a husband that gets to go cool places (cue sparks) for work is that there are always opportunities to go cool places where the hotels are paid for and my flight can be gotten for frequent flyer miles! i count myself lucky. but personal travel just for fun - for both of us - doesn't come around too often. and so? KAUAI! i mean, how many people get to go to hawaii two times in three months? how crazy (in a good way)!
the other problem with vacations is that there's never a good time to take them. you book something months in advance. the time comes. and guess what? it's not a good time. usually you just go -- in spite of whatever's going on at the office -- and when you come back, the world hasn't ended. life goes on. but this time... i knew it was especially NOT a good time. and what did i do? i went anyway!
i told mgr. i wanted to go, and she said "go, go. use your pto." and so i did. i told her i was worried that it wasn't a good time. and to her credit, again she said "go!" and it was exactly the wrong time. ...as if there could BE a good time, but this was seriously The Worst Time Ever (TM). (mind you, this has nothing to do with our problems communicating. she was actually being quite decent about this.)
so in november d and i were getting ready to set off for kauai, and i was panicking about leaving because i was starting to get a taste of how bad a time it was to be going and...
d got laid off.
THUNK. (other shoe? fallen.)
so, there we were, all set to go to kauai, and feeling really stupid about it. i mean, what kind of idiots go to hawaii two times in three months when one of them doesn't even have a job? who the hell did we think we WERE? but... we were going to lose the chance. we were going to lose our deposit. we were going to have to rebook or lose the vacation week entirely. and so? we went anyway.
(the rest i'll have to write in another post, because this one is getting quite long!)