(no subject)
i went out to chris's step-dads retirement party last night. its been 4 weeks since i had the baby. every keeps saying they cant believe how tiny i am after just having a baby. and i dont feel too bad. but then i put on my fav pair or jeans last night and they barley even went up around my hips. it just makes me realize how small i was before i got pregnant. and now i dont know what to do. cause the only reason that i was that small was because i was throwing up everything i was eating. and i am fighting my butt of to not do that again. cause i am breast feeding, and i know that if i do that my milk might dry up. and then i would have to use formula, which is expensive. plus it is easier to breast feed. plus it burns like, 500 calories a day. i am starting my diet. i ate the rest of my m&ms though. (like, 1/2 a small bag) so that is it or sweets. i have been continuosly loosing weight cause of breast feeding, so i am sure if i cut out the sweets i will loose more. i swear it was easier being bulimic. and not being able to exercise is kiling me. since i cant take corbin out in this cold, and i dont have the time or ability to go to the gym. and my house is way to little and covered in dog hair to work out in it. i hate these dogs. cabin fever...
so me and chris almost split the other night. he said he was leaving me, but i new that he never would. he just likes to threaten when he is angry. but he found something on myspace that i had written to matt. saying along the lines that i thought about him and missed him, and i needed to get him out of my mind. because i knew that missing matt was hindering my feelings about my marriage. which was no good. the thing that stinks is that i had told matt a few days earlier that i didnt want to talk to him ever cause i knew that that was the only way i could get over it all. and i had stopped. but chris never read any of that. and if he had, he wouldnt have paye attention to that anyways.
the whole night was horrible and dramatic. what sucks though is that he knows that part of the reason that i am unhappy and depressed is because i never go out any more. i never have any fun. so last night we went to peddlers and i was having a great time just hanging out and talking. and 3 beers into the night chris just looked bored out of his mind. so we left. and we went home. and watched a movie. just like always... i just dont understand... im just... at a loss of what to do. i am going out of my mind. with boredem, with sadness. ugh to it all. i would love to just think about me, and do my own thing, but i have no money, so i cant go out and do the stuff that i enjoy. its too cold, and im too broke.
so me and chris almost split the other night. he said he was leaving me, but i new that he never would. he just likes to threaten when he is angry. but he found something on myspace that i had written to matt. saying along the lines that i thought about him and missed him, and i needed to get him out of my mind. because i knew that missing matt was hindering my feelings about my marriage. which was no good. the thing that stinks is that i had told matt a few days earlier that i didnt want to talk to him ever cause i knew that that was the only way i could get over it all. and i had stopped. but chris never read any of that. and if he had, he wouldnt have paye attention to that anyways.
the whole night was horrible and dramatic. what sucks though is that he knows that part of the reason that i am unhappy and depressed is because i never go out any more. i never have any fun. so last night we went to peddlers and i was having a great time just hanging out and talking. and 3 beers into the night chris just looked bored out of his mind. so we left. and we went home. and watched a movie. just like always... i just dont understand... im just... at a loss of what to do. i am going out of my mind. with boredem, with sadness. ugh to it all. i would love to just think about me, and do my own thing, but i have no money, so i cant go out and do the stuff that i enjoy. its too cold, and im too broke.