hdfalksdfh... thats how i feel
i cant sleep. even though i went to bed around 130 or 2. and i have been awake since 6. yeah. the time my husband decided to stumble on home. god i wish that i had some friends to talk to. or to cry to. or anything. i just dont understand why this keeps happening. and crying for 3 hours non stop really isnt going to help much. talk about keeping things bottled up inside.
i love my husband to absolute tiny little peices. he is the greatest thing in the world. but i cant keep having this fight with him. every couuple of weeks or so. it is really really breaking my heart. but goodness i cant do anything about it, cause he makes it seem like the whole ordeal was all my fault. which i dont get.
last night when i got off work i went to my sisters party. i didnt get there till around 1145 or midnight cause i worked late. but apparently chris got there at like 8 or something to surprise me. even though he knew i wasnt getting off til like 11. anyways. i showed up and he was hammered. i dont care if he drinks. but he seems to get hammered a few times a week, and all i get to do is sit around and watch and then drive home. (not to mention the reason that i have been really really depressed latley)but i showed up, said hi to a bunch of people. and walked outside to talk to ang. she offered me a cigarette, and i gave her a look. jokingly around i asked her if my husband had been smoking. she said yes. but then quickly took it back. i asked him. he said yes, because he had been drinking. yes, i was mad. but in all honestly, i would have gotten over it. the only reason that i was so hurt by it was because of the other day when i found a can of dip on the counter, and was really upset cause he had been doing it, and hiding it from me. and he knew how upset i was, and kept talking about how much he messed up, and how bad he felt that he had dissapointed me. and all those things. and then he goes off and smokes. he says he feels so guilty to do anything around me cause i get so jealous and just try to make him feel bad. not true. i hate who he is when he drinks. and most of the time i dont say anything when he drinks. but... i hate drunk chris. he is just so mean to me.
for example last night. i walked around the party for a bit, until i realized that it was basically just a bunch of people standing around drinking and smoking. not any sort of fun for a person that cant do either. i wanted to be any where else but there. basing on the reason im depressed... so i walked around with a happy face, told everyone that i was tired and just wanted to go to bed. which i did. when i told chris i was leaving, and to walk me out to my car, cause i knew he would be upset... he did. and was. started screaming at me for being a bitch to him. and that i was checking up on him (um... i invited him to the party.. what?) and on and on. i just kept saying, i just dont want to be here. and that was the honest reason. and he thought the whole thing was about him drinking. then laid this huge guilt trip on how it will be on my concious if he gets hammered and drives home. so that i should stay. i really just didnt want to be there. he ends up throwing his beer on the ground right next to me, which got it all over me and the inside of my car. i just wanted to leave. and he wouldnt let me. he kept saying over and over that if i left, it was me telling him that i didnt want to be with him anymore. (this is where we get into the smae fight every week thing) i just kept saying, that wasnt it, i just wanted to go home. he wouldnt stop yelling at me. so i said, whatever, thats not it, but i am leaving, i cant take this. and he says again, for the 20th time since we have been together, fine... get the fuck out of my house. if your there i am calling the cops. blah blah blah. so i leave in the biggest fit of tears.. agian. and then he does what he always does. calls me 5 minutes later. asking why am i being like this. what am i doing. why am i doing this to us... what?? what am i doing. im just beside my self cause i cant take this... confusion. i just dont know what is wrong with him when he gets like this. i told him... i told you one day i am going to get sick of you kicking me out, and i am acctually going to leave. and then its... oh, is that what you want. where you gonna go. who are you going to go see
(like i have any friends, much less guys friends anymore). i just couldnt take it. from that point on, everything was my fault. i am the one who made the decision to leave, im the one who said i wanted a divorce (not true. and i dont) im the one...
so we get home (cause he is following me in his car, very drink during this part) he runs in the house, then leaves. i try to get him to not drive cause he is wasted... but he doesnt want to stay cause i am being mean... what? so he goes somewhere to sleep it off. ends up at a friends house i guess... but he didnt pick up his phone all night. so god knows what he was doing. comes home at 6 in the morning. who comes home at 6 in the morning after:sleeping it off" unless they are doing the walk of shame. not saying he ws cheating on me. cause i dont think that he ever would. but that he was just up all night with his friends...
i am so hurt right now i am beside myself. i am not someone who gets treated like this. and i dont deserve it. but other than this huge wretched fight every week or two, things are great. i just dont know what to do. i am so lost in life. that it just... isnt good anymore. i am so sad all the time that i dont know what to do anymore..
i love my husband to absolute tiny little peices. he is the greatest thing in the world. but i cant keep having this fight with him. every couuple of weeks or so. it is really really breaking my heart. but goodness i cant do anything about it, cause he makes it seem like the whole ordeal was all my fault. which i dont get.
last night when i got off work i went to my sisters party. i didnt get there till around 1145 or midnight cause i worked late. but apparently chris got there at like 8 or something to surprise me. even though he knew i wasnt getting off til like 11. anyways. i showed up and he was hammered. i dont care if he drinks. but he seems to get hammered a few times a week, and all i get to do is sit around and watch and then drive home. (not to mention the reason that i have been really really depressed latley)but i showed up, said hi to a bunch of people. and walked outside to talk to ang. she offered me a cigarette, and i gave her a look. jokingly around i asked her if my husband had been smoking. she said yes. but then quickly took it back. i asked him. he said yes, because he had been drinking. yes, i was mad. but in all honestly, i would have gotten over it. the only reason that i was so hurt by it was because of the other day when i found a can of dip on the counter, and was really upset cause he had been doing it, and hiding it from me. and he knew how upset i was, and kept talking about how much he messed up, and how bad he felt that he had dissapointed me. and all those things. and then he goes off and smokes. he says he feels so guilty to do anything around me cause i get so jealous and just try to make him feel bad. not true. i hate who he is when he drinks. and most of the time i dont say anything when he drinks. but... i hate drunk chris. he is just so mean to me.
for example last night. i walked around the party for a bit, until i realized that it was basically just a bunch of people standing around drinking and smoking. not any sort of fun for a person that cant do either. i wanted to be any where else but there. basing on the reason im depressed... so i walked around with a happy face, told everyone that i was tired and just wanted to go to bed. which i did. when i told chris i was leaving, and to walk me out to my car, cause i knew he would be upset... he did. and was. started screaming at me for being a bitch to him. and that i was checking up on him (um... i invited him to the party.. what?) and on and on. i just kept saying, i just dont want to be here. and that was the honest reason. and he thought the whole thing was about him drinking. then laid this huge guilt trip on how it will be on my concious if he gets hammered and drives home. so that i should stay. i really just didnt want to be there. he ends up throwing his beer on the ground right next to me, which got it all over me and the inside of my car. i just wanted to leave. and he wouldnt let me. he kept saying over and over that if i left, it was me telling him that i didnt want to be with him anymore. (this is where we get into the smae fight every week thing) i just kept saying, that wasnt it, i just wanted to go home. he wouldnt stop yelling at me. so i said, whatever, thats not it, but i am leaving, i cant take this. and he says again, for the 20th time since we have been together, fine... get the fuck out of my house. if your there i am calling the cops. blah blah blah. so i leave in the biggest fit of tears.. agian. and then he does what he always does. calls me 5 minutes later. asking why am i being like this. what am i doing. why am i doing this to us... what?? what am i doing. im just beside my self cause i cant take this... confusion. i just dont know what is wrong with him when he gets like this. i told him... i told you one day i am going to get sick of you kicking me out, and i am acctually going to leave. and then its... oh, is that what you want. where you gonna go. who are you going to go see
(like i have any friends, much less guys friends anymore). i just couldnt take it. from that point on, everything was my fault. i am the one who made the decision to leave, im the one who said i wanted a divorce (not true. and i dont) im the one...
so we get home (cause he is following me in his car, very drink during this part) he runs in the house, then leaves. i try to get him to not drive cause he is wasted... but he doesnt want to stay cause i am being mean... what? so he goes somewhere to sleep it off. ends up at a friends house i guess... but he didnt pick up his phone all night. so god knows what he was doing. comes home at 6 in the morning. who comes home at 6 in the morning after:sleeping it off" unless they are doing the walk of shame. not saying he ws cheating on me. cause i dont think that he ever would. but that he was just up all night with his friends...
i am so hurt right now i am beside myself. i am not someone who gets treated like this. and i dont deserve it. but other than this huge wretched fight every week or two, things are great. i just dont know what to do. i am so lost in life. that it just... isnt good anymore. i am so sad all the time that i dont know what to do anymore..