insanity is just the other side of a coin.
If anyone asked me what home should feel like, I will tell them that it feels like the first spray of warm drizzle on your face from the shower you take after nights of ugliness. When the water hits your face and begins to wash away all your staleness and your mindaches, you can finally let go; all of it.
In front of me there is a bowl of some soup and rice. It's funny, writing is in a way, a work out. I avoid it, and I postpone it over and over but once I begin; it's rewarding and hard to stop. Eating somehow affects my energy so that I lose my focus. Hunger for some reason gives me the edge which sharpens my mind. Still, it is distracting and I'm going to hurry up with this and eat that thing before it gets cold.
Tuesday night around 3am I met a lady, I should say (since she was 29) at Grand Central Terminal while waiting for the first train home. The day had been awful to me and there is nothing more that I love than making a brand-new connection with strangers. We spent about 4 hours in CVS discussing a little bit of everything. We were both runaway homeless at the time though that held more truth for her than it did for me. We had a remarkable connection in almost indefinite ways and we ventured through the city until about 10 am. The catch; she had a severe mental illness. On a few occasions she had told me to get the fuck away from her but then she apologized and told me that she thinks I am an angel spirit guide. Of course, there were moments when I wanted to walk away. But I saw myself in her. The insanity and the loneliness. She's been so fucked by the world; she has lost her trust in anything and anyone, completely. There is so much more I could say about this strange happening. But the story ends with her running away from me because she couldn't handle my sincerity to befriend her and understand her world. She was so dark; yet I saw her true nature which she felt dangerous to reveal. She told me she was feeling too comfortable, as if I was her family. I think I understand how she feels. When you've been living in the darkness so long, the light becomes repulsive. Change can be fearsome. For someone who has not experienced true love or true companionship, such idea can be frightening; especially if it's coming from a random stranger you just met off from the street. I feel for her and I wish I could've helped her more. I wish I could've shown her that she doesn't have to live in the darkness anymore and go back to Texas and be with her family. Yet she screamed, spat on peoples face, and cursed everyone off who stood on her way. She will continue to live on nightly redbulls and morning beer. She's got a dream bigger than that of anyone's I've seen but her mind is so damaged it can no longer make peace with the reality. It breaks my heart. I could've been her. Have I done my best? This is perhaps a matter that is worthy of laughter for some. That some might say, "who gives for some crazy bitch?" But you know what? It's insane how we have not gone insane in this insane world.
I sincerely, and wholeheartedly hope that someday she finds restoration of her spirit. And I wish she could endure long enough to see that day happening. I don't believe in God but I hope something watches over her through her journey.
In front of me there is a bowl of some soup and rice. It's funny, writing is in a way, a work out. I avoid it, and I postpone it over and over but once I begin; it's rewarding and hard to stop. Eating somehow affects my energy so that I lose my focus. Hunger for some reason gives me the edge which sharpens my mind. Still, it is distracting and I'm going to hurry up with this and eat that thing before it gets cold.
Tuesday night around 3am I met a lady, I should say (since she was 29) at Grand Central Terminal while waiting for the first train home. The day had been awful to me and there is nothing more that I love than making a brand-new connection with strangers. We spent about 4 hours in CVS discussing a little bit of everything. We were both runaway homeless at the time though that held more truth for her than it did for me. We had a remarkable connection in almost indefinite ways and we ventured through the city until about 10 am. The catch; she had a severe mental illness. On a few occasions she had told me to get the fuck away from her but then she apologized and told me that she thinks I am an angel spirit guide. Of course, there were moments when I wanted to walk away. But I saw myself in her. The insanity and the loneliness. She's been so fucked by the world; she has lost her trust in anything and anyone, completely. There is so much more I could say about this strange happening. But the story ends with her running away from me because she couldn't handle my sincerity to befriend her and understand her world. She was so dark; yet I saw her true nature which she felt dangerous to reveal. She told me she was feeling too comfortable, as if I was her family. I think I understand how she feels. When you've been living in the darkness so long, the light becomes repulsive. Change can be fearsome. For someone who has not experienced true love or true companionship, such idea can be frightening; especially if it's coming from a random stranger you just met off from the street. I feel for her and I wish I could've helped her more. I wish I could've shown her that she doesn't have to live in the darkness anymore and go back to Texas and be with her family. Yet she screamed, spat on peoples face, and cursed everyone off who stood on her way. She will continue to live on nightly redbulls and morning beer. She's got a dream bigger than that of anyone's I've seen but her mind is so damaged it can no longer make peace with the reality. It breaks my heart. I could've been her. Have I done my best? This is perhaps a matter that is worthy of laughter for some. That some might say, "who gives for some crazy bitch?" But you know what? It's insane how we have not gone insane in this insane world.
I sincerely, and wholeheartedly hope that someday she finds restoration of her spirit. And I wish she could endure long enough to see that day happening. I don't believe in God but I hope something watches over her through her journey.