Loving You is a Habit
a/n: this had been on my draft in such a long... period. idk if this gonna turned out good in your eyes but... please... do enjoy this. oh, and comment is my dialy need lol
Loving You is a Habit
It is part of my life, because I love you.
and… loving you
is… a habit
~~~
Can you imagine how beautiful it was when you saw your crush laughing happily? I mean just by looking at them doesn’t it makes your heart thumping? Their smiles, their pouts, even their little figure when you watching them from afar did look so breathtaking, right?
I have this girl I like - I stalk - since four months ago. She’s… simply beautiful but too gorgeous for a girl who lived in a country side.
Jessica was the name my friend told me when she caught me staring at the girl. I want to - really want to - talked to her, ask her name personally, ask her phone number and ask her for a date after that. But no, I never get a change until now.
She is special, in any way possible. My friend told me to not dating her, to not falling for her. But how? The girl is just too hard to ignore. It was like every eye were all on her, looking her, watching her…
Adore her.
But it did break my heart. Jessica has her own way to speak, to joke, to tell everything that’s on her mind. Jessica… was mute. Jessica is a mute.
The only reason why my friend not letting me dated her was the fact that Jessica was indeed special. Not because of her lacking, but because… everyone that knows her told me that the girl was really… special.
“She’s lovely, very loveable person you had ever known. Once she knows you, believes in you, you’ll know that everything with her is a pure bless. Everything she said was a honest, sweet, warming melody that even your favorite song can’t deny it. And that time when she’s staring at you, trust me, don’t look at her eyes too deep because you’ll never get a change to get over it,”
Was what all Taeyeon said. She and Jessica I can tell, will be a perfect match together, not just as friend but maybe more than it. Taeyeon is caring, a very gentle girl I ever know. But she said even someone which is better than her wouldn’t fit with Jessica.
So I stood here, taking as many of her pictures with the only camera I had. If someone that even better than Taeyeon wouldn’t fit her, then I have no choice but to be her admirer only. If I can’t make her mine, then let me have her pictures to remember. How her lips curled up to a smile and how her eyes disappear when she was laughing so hard.
“Lovely,” I said.
“I never saw you this excited when taking pictures, let alone smiling so much while taking it. You adore her that much,”
“I am,” I looked at my side, Taeyeon was seating on a bench with her cigarette on her mouth. She blew the smoke and shrugged.
“So why is that?”
I titled my head as the smile appeared again when I look at the last picture I took. Jessica was laughing again, slapped her sister shoulder as if there’s nothing lacked in her life. I looked forward, looked at the original scene in front of me - looking at the brown haired girl that helping her mom serving foods in her eatery.
“She’s the only girl… that I uncertain will fall in love with me,” I said without looking back at her.
Taeyeon nodded her head when she stood up, stepped on her cigarette in the process.
“She will, maybe. If you treat her nicely,”
~~~
Day by day passed just like the other days. Me taking Jessica’s picture when the other girl doing her usual activity. No, I never getting tired of it, never even bother the time I waste only for my quality time with my camera, my quality time stalking Jessica.
Taeyeon once suggested me to go to the eatery and made friend with the brown haired girl. For some reasons, I refuse it. I told her I like it like this, if I can’t make her mine then let me doing this coward thing. Because I think if I showed up, asked her name, and saw her smiling, I can’t guarantee that I wouldn’t chased her, begged her to be mine forever.
I stood up from the bench with my camera on my hand. I looked at her one last time before turned around and walked back home. Her smiling happy face was still stuck on my mind closely, was like hugging my brain and blocking all things that is not her.
I don’t mind.
~~~
It was raining, the sky looks so dark. It was 3 pm but the dark view from the sky made it looks like it’s at 8 pm. I was shivering, my cloth were all wet and stick on to my body like a plastic. I hugged my camera’s bag protectively as if my life was depends on how warm it could be.
Because if it’s broken, I can’t take her picture anymore.
So I hold it tight, hold it closes to my body with my jacket covered around it.
A faint smoke escaped from my mouth as I breathe out. I was shivering, the cold was pricking onto my bone and I can’t help but turned pale. The halt that I use as a shelter wasn’t really helping. The rain was still pouring onto my body and made it even wetter than before.
I looked around, there’s no one outside. But when another bus stopped in front of me, opened its automatic’s door and discharge the passenger, my heart was… stop. I forgot about the rain, about the cold that pricking onto my bone, about my sticky wet cloth, about everything… I forgot about everything when I saw her.
I don’t even notice when the bus took its leave, all I know is just the brown haired girl was looking worriedly at me. She was holding a transparent umbrella when she walked towards me. I gulped. Jessica titled her head and smiles before stick out her hand for me, asked me to reach it, to… hold it.
I reached her hand, holding it, grasped it. Tight.
She looks like she wanted to talk, wanted to asked me if I’m okay but it looks like she holds it back. Maybe afraid if I don’t understand her and somehow… I felt guilty. Don’t I suppose to be understood what she was saying?
I heaved a heavy sighed, feeling like somehow it was my fault to not understand her. So I walked few steps until I’m under her umbrella and looking at her with sad eyes. I closed my eyes before buried my face onto her shoulder.
“Thank you,”
~~~
She started talking to me.
Jessica was talking… to me. Even though I don’t really understand the sign language, I still enjoyed the time when I looked at her eyes, watching how the wind messed her hair, how her hand tried to fixed her hair so many times, how she get annoyed by the wind and pouted cutely. That was just simply… adorable.
Taeyeon once told me about to not looking at her eyes, how to not try to love her, to even adored her or liking her. She told me;
“Because when you started to love her when she loved you back, you’ll questioned yourself on which way you should take to make her happy with her lacking,”
I never forgot that one because, when I see her now, seeing her talking to me with a happy smile on her face, I start to questioned myself.
How am I supposed to make her happier than now?
Because it was simple; Jessica was always happy with everything.
~~~
Taeyeon taught me ‘the language’ - finally. She told me that if I’m brave enough she’ll let me to fall for Jessica - literally.
It’s been two months since the first time Jessica started to talk to me, since the meeting at the bus stop - at the halt. We’ve been going anywhere together a lot lately; me accompany her delivered foods to the costumers, me helping her with her eatery’s job, me helping her mom, her dad, even her sister doing everything that’s not even pertinent with their eatery.
I ever had a serious argument with Krystal - Jessica’s sister - about to not hitting on her sister which is - of course - was a very late warning for me.
“Do you have something special with my sister?”
“Like?”
“Hitting on her?”
“I am,”
“Don’t,”
“Why?”
“Just don’t. You’ll end up hurting her like the other’s did,”
“What if I’m not like the others? What if I’m different?”
“Like you gonna accept everything that she’s lacking? Look, you’re just amazed with her physic; that she’s adorable and all you could said but, there will be no one… no one would accept her lacking. She’s mute, and that will be forever. It’s not like she’s gonna talk to you with her voice when you dated her, or even marry her if you think you can go that far,”
“Try me,”
Krystal sighs. “I’m just sick watching people hurt her,”
I never even planned to hurt her, I even busy thinking on how to make her happier than she is right now. Am I that bad in other people’s eyes? It was Taeyeon that warn me to not fall for Jessica, and now it was Krystal.
But how about Jessica herself? Does she look at me like others people too?
~~~
It was one day when I asked her to come with me to my favorite place. The park I used to staked her back then. The place was at the hill not so far from her house but high enough to watch everything that’s going on under. I have this plan on my head that if I told her now, maybe I’ll know what was she’s thinking about me. Right?
I hold her hands and she simply sit beside me at the bench. Her hair was a little messy but it makes her look so disturbingly beautiful. I smiled at her at the time she looked at me shyly. I fixed her hair, tucked it to behind her ear. She blushed slightly.
“Hey,”
I said as I rested my elbows onto my thighs and looking at her. The smile never left my face.
“Do you know why I brought you here?”
She shook her head. I caress her face with the back of my finger. Her gesture relaxed a bit by the touch. She smiled simply as she rested her head on my shoulder, clinging onto my arm.
“You can see everything from here. There, it’s your house. Can you see it?”
Jessica nodded on my shoulder.
“You can… watch everything… from here,”
There was silent, not even movement. I can feel Jessica’s breathing slowly but not her movement. I looked at her on my shoulder before she straightened her sit and faced me. Her eyes were… unreadable… for the first time.
“What do you want?” she said moving her hands skillfully.
“I just want you to know-“
“Don’t,” she said and shook her head.
“Why? Why I can’t?”
Jessica bit her lower lip when her eyes started to watered. She looks everywhere but not me. I grasped her hand but she jerked it away.
“I fall for you,” I said.
Jessica closed her eyes and tears started to fall down quickly, her eyebrows knitted and she covers her ear as she shook her head continuously. She doesn’t want to hear me, my heart… hurt. I heaved a heavy sighs and tried to get closer to her but she stood up, wiping her tears at the process. She shook her head once more and started walked away.
“Jessica. Jessi wait!”
I grasped her wrist and stopped her from walking any further. I can hear her sobs and her gesture when she wiped away her tears.
Why is she crying?
“Why?”
Jessica turned away slowly, her head hung low.
“…I can’t,”
“Can’t what?”
She looks away biting her lip. I moved closer to her and hold both of her hands, she looks at our hands.
“I’ll do everything for you, I’ll accept whatever you’re lacking,”
I moved back a little as I let go her hands.
“I fall for you so deep that it’s drowns me,”
Jessica was speechless I can tell. The fact that I never talked to her with her language and only understand what she was saying all this time was surprising her. Her mouth opened a little as if wanted to say something but nothing coming out from her mouth. So I continue talking.
“I stalked you, I watched you, adored you. I never buy Taeyeon or Krystal’s words to not falling for you. So tell me why I can’t? Do you look at me like how other people looked at me? That I’m just another jerk that created only to hurt you?”
But instead of answered me, she was crying a little bit more before answering. Looking at her cry, it hurts me somehow. I suppose to make her happier, not to make her cried like this.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,”
The image of rejection haunted me, the image of Jessica leaving me… it scared me. So I hold back my tears and sighed deeply. Walking slowly about to passed her.
“Don’t mind me. I’ll take you home,”
But the grasped on my wrist stopped me. I gulped a big lump on my throat when I felt someone was back-hugging me. Tightly.
“Jessi…”
She loosened her grips on my waist and I turned back, facing her. She still had her head low and I can still clearly hear her sobs. I cupped her face, wiped away the tears with my thumbs and make her looked at me. Her brown orbs looked at me. Somehow… pleading.
“I love you, already,” I said near her ear. The words caused her to hug me even more tightly.
We stayed like that for a moment before she pulled away softly.
“Can I have your words?”
“You can have my words,”
She eyed me for awhile.
“What makes you sure that you love me?”
“Because I find it out,”
“How?”
“Loving you is easy, makes you happy is the only problem,”
Jessica bit her inner cheek. I moved closer and cupped her face with one hand while the other rested on her waist. I caress her face with my thumb.
“Can you let me? Loving you? Being a part of your life?”
She exhaled as she hugged me again. She buried her face on my neck. She nodded and pulled away.
“Convince me,”
I move my face closer to her, bringing my lips as close until I can feel her warm comfortable breath on my face, let it brushed away the worried I had. Her arms are on my neck, my hands are on her waist. Her lips were a little bit parted as if waiting me to kiss it. She let my lips to touch hers, to taste her, to make her mine.
I broke the kiss first and I rested my forehead onto hers. I closed my eyes but I can feel her staring at me.
“I Love you,”
I kissed her.
“You’re interesting, you’re different and I like that. Because… the image of you hating me, walking away from me, it scared me. Because I love you, and loving you… is a habit,”
~~~
a/n: and yeah, the italic -- if you notice -- is 'the language'.