I Think My Wake-Up Call Had Rang... Loudly In My Ears...
Somehow I kind of anticipated the outcome of the meeting today. I somehow knew I was blind-sided.
Still, I was not prepared for the way my heart felt like it had stopped beating, for the way it felt like I was crying inside, but yet had to put on a nonchalant front and gobble down my lunch. Given the fact that I always had the habit of stuffing my mouth full of food until to the point of almost gagging and choking when I am upset and angry, I had that much self-control to put on a strong composure.
Same old, same old. You know when they do not want to give you something, there is always a dozen reasons to back their rationale? And they always have the power to make you feel utterly worthless, non-deserving, downright shitty?
And to make you question your own integrity, self worth and your own actions?
Have I done too little, or too much?
If you say I have potential, then why put me on a pedestal and kick it to make me come crashing down?
Have I really not done enough to prove that I want it badly, or is it that it just so happens someone else deserves it more than me?
Do I not fit a mould or the certain image that they want of me, or do I not think out of the box enough?
Do I not deserve a chance that you give to people more undeserving, or in your eyes I am the undeserving one?
And isn't it ironic that in a place that is supposed to celebrate individualism and uniqueness that I am being judged as being too... me?
I felt like my heart had died. I was just going through the actions the rest of the day, still having to put on my cheerful, jovial, funny self when all I wanted to do was to hide somewhere and bawl my eyes out.
I really felt like trash. I felt like I had lost my worth.
And I felt like my wake up call had rang...
And loudly in my ears...
Still, I was not prepared for the way my heart felt like it had stopped beating, for the way it felt like I was crying inside, but yet had to put on a nonchalant front and gobble down my lunch. Given the fact that I always had the habit of stuffing my mouth full of food until to the point of almost gagging and choking when I am upset and angry, I had that much self-control to put on a strong composure.
Same old, same old. You know when they do not want to give you something, there is always a dozen reasons to back their rationale? And they always have the power to make you feel utterly worthless, non-deserving, downright shitty?
And to make you question your own integrity, self worth and your own actions?
Have I done too little, or too much?
If you say I have potential, then why put me on a pedestal and kick it to make me come crashing down?
Have I really not done enough to prove that I want it badly, or is it that it just so happens someone else deserves it more than me?
Do I not fit a mould or the certain image that they want of me, or do I not think out of the box enough?
Do I not deserve a chance that you give to people more undeserving, or in your eyes I am the undeserving one?
And isn't it ironic that in a place that is supposed to celebrate individualism and uniqueness that I am being judged as being too... me?
I felt like my heart had died. I was just going through the actions the rest of the day, still having to put on my cheerful, jovial, funny self when all I wanted to do was to hide somewhere and bawl my eyes out.
I really felt like trash. I felt like I had lost my worth.
And I felt like my wake up call had rang...
And loudly in my ears...