Thoughts on life and death
Today my dad sent out an email to the ladies of the family talking about the last days he had with my grandpa before he died. He talked about how much he was struggling, and it obviously was very painful for my dad to see. Shortly after, my grandpa died in his home.. and I guess my dad felt really empty, and turned to my mom and said "There goes my good friend".
A few thoughts crossed my mind after reading this email.
First of all..Death still doesn't make sense to me. With everyone I know that has died, I never actually understood what it meant. I guess I think of them as all still being around, just on an extended vacation. And because of this, I feel like a 5 year old. Like I'm not mature enough to realize what has actually happened. But unlike the 5 year old I once was.. I am not so positive that they are in "heaven". I just don't understand what happened to them. I can't figure it out. And I feel like I never really got to say goodbye, or have any sort of closure. Whatever closure is supposed to mean when you say goodbye to someone you will never see again.
And then of course it led me to thinking about how it would feel to lose my own dad. He truly is one of my best friends. Like my parents have told me a million times after I would come home from a horrible day at school.. after being teased by my "best friends".. our families are always going to be there for us. Sadly, our friends will come and go. And I'm so grateful to have such an awesome family despite the fact that we might not be the most traditional family. It doesn't matter. I like the craziness.
It also made me think of when we all got together for Christmas.. how I had to stop myself from asking where my grandparents were.
I felt ridiculous for having let the idea cross my mind that my grandpa was still hanging around at the house somewhere.. maybe taking his afternoon nap like he always does at family get togethers. I was just waiting for him to walk in the room and to watch that big smile spread across his face when he saw me. I was waiting for him to come in and sit next to me and ask me about school, and to tell me something really wise like he always used to. I was waiting to hear that cheerful laugh whenever my dad did something ridiculous. Or when the kids started fighting. I was waiting to have a conversation with him about how Ireland is the best place on earth.. like we have decided a thousand times before. I was waiting for him to tell me that he's really proud of me. But he knows that I know that.
Anyways, on a different topic..I had an interesting conversation with my dad earlier.
We were driving through the neighborhood, and I saw a yellow ferrari. I asked him why he had never invested in anything like that.. and he said that despite his desire to have a really fancy car, he was more interested in saving as much money as possible so he could have a nice retirement, and then he could leave some money to all of his kids. At the time, I agreed that that was probably a good idea, and very noble.
But when I thought about it later, I told him that he should do the opposite. As grim as it is.. you never know how long your life will last. So why plan for your future if you aren't even sure what it will hold? Why not live for the moment? After all, I'm pretty sure that none of us will be "boomerang kids". If all goes as planned, we will all have enough money to live a happy life. So he shouldn't be concerned about saving money to give to us. And as far as retirement goes.. well he will be older, and he will just want to relax. You don't need that much money to relax. Why not enjoy being young and buy some crazy things (as long as you don't spend TOO much).. that way when you are in your retirement years, you can sit back on your rocking chair out on the porch and think about what an awesome life you lived. Complete with nice house, plenty of vacations, and a really nice car.
After about 20 minutes of trying to convince my dad that he should buy a ferrari, he walked away saying that he didn't really want a fancy car that badly anyways.
So I told him to buy me one instead :)
Needless to say, he laughed hysterically at that one.
Darnit.
At least I tried.
A few thoughts crossed my mind after reading this email.
First of all..Death still doesn't make sense to me. With everyone I know that has died, I never actually understood what it meant. I guess I think of them as all still being around, just on an extended vacation. And because of this, I feel like a 5 year old. Like I'm not mature enough to realize what has actually happened. But unlike the 5 year old I once was.. I am not so positive that they are in "heaven". I just don't understand what happened to them. I can't figure it out. And I feel like I never really got to say goodbye, or have any sort of closure. Whatever closure is supposed to mean when you say goodbye to someone you will never see again.
And then of course it led me to thinking about how it would feel to lose my own dad. He truly is one of my best friends. Like my parents have told me a million times after I would come home from a horrible day at school.. after being teased by my "best friends".. our families are always going to be there for us. Sadly, our friends will come and go. And I'm so grateful to have such an awesome family despite the fact that we might not be the most traditional family. It doesn't matter. I like the craziness.
It also made me think of when we all got together for Christmas.. how I had to stop myself from asking where my grandparents were.
I felt ridiculous for having let the idea cross my mind that my grandpa was still hanging around at the house somewhere.. maybe taking his afternoon nap like he always does at family get togethers. I was just waiting for him to walk in the room and to watch that big smile spread across his face when he saw me. I was waiting for him to come in and sit next to me and ask me about school, and to tell me something really wise like he always used to. I was waiting to hear that cheerful laugh whenever my dad did something ridiculous. Or when the kids started fighting. I was waiting to have a conversation with him about how Ireland is the best place on earth.. like we have decided a thousand times before. I was waiting for him to tell me that he's really proud of me. But he knows that I know that.
Anyways, on a different topic..I had an interesting conversation with my dad earlier.
We were driving through the neighborhood, and I saw a yellow ferrari. I asked him why he had never invested in anything like that.. and he said that despite his desire to have a really fancy car, he was more interested in saving as much money as possible so he could have a nice retirement, and then he could leave some money to all of his kids. At the time, I agreed that that was probably a good idea, and very noble.
But when I thought about it later, I told him that he should do the opposite. As grim as it is.. you never know how long your life will last. So why plan for your future if you aren't even sure what it will hold? Why not live for the moment? After all, I'm pretty sure that none of us will be "boomerang kids". If all goes as planned, we will all have enough money to live a happy life. So he shouldn't be concerned about saving money to give to us. And as far as retirement goes.. well he will be older, and he will just want to relax. You don't need that much money to relax. Why not enjoy being young and buy some crazy things (as long as you don't spend TOO much).. that way when you are in your retirement years, you can sit back on your rocking chair out on the porch and think about what an awesome life you lived. Complete with nice house, plenty of vacations, and a really nice car.
After about 20 minutes of trying to convince my dad that he should buy a ferrari, he walked away saying that he didn't really want a fancy car that badly anyways.
So I told him to buy me one instead :)
Needless to say, he laughed hysterically at that one.
Darnit.
At least I tried.