Fan Fic: Living (One Shot)
Title: Living (One Shot)
Author: Metriosity
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: PG
Summary: On the sofa after 9x04
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, though I wish I did. Shonda and ABC are the lucky ones with all the rights, claims and ownership.
Authors Note: Its been nearly a year since I wrote anything... Really rusty.
It was silent. Which for Callie made a welcome change from the yelling which had been a staple of their daily lives lately. The TV was on, but she wasn't paying attention, she could feel Arizona sitting tensely beside her which was all she could focus on. A fear that in a moment Arizona could lash out at her. It was like watching a Tiger stalk its prey, except she was the prey and was too scared to make a sudden movement. It went on like this for what seemed like hours and Callie felt as though her entire body was a coiled spring, ready to jump at the slightest motion. It was making her ache.
"Callie..." The word sounded like a gunshot in her ears and she flinched, though she instantly regretted it the moment she saw the pain in Arizona's eyes. Pain... Not anger. Not defiance. Not resentment. It was pain. She swallowed hard and settled back into the sofa, attempting to look as calm as possible.
"Sorry."
"It's ok. I have acted like a loaded gun lately." Callie couldn't hide the look of surprise on her face as Arizona said exactly what Callie had been thinking. "I wanted to apologize."
Silence hung between them for a moment, however it wasn't tense like it had been. Arizona genuinely looked ashamed, her lip shook and her eyes began to fill. Instinctively Callie reached out to take her wife's hand. It felt warm in hers and for the first time in weeks, she felt her blood course through her body, removing the stone which she had begun to coat herself with. A salty tear landed on the back of her hand. Arizona was crying silently, a look of shame covering her delicate features. Callie wanted to whisper that it was ok. But the words caught in her throat. It wasn't ok. A quick apology couldn't take back all the crap that Arizona had flung at her. This wasn't like "I'm sorry I burned the dinner."
Arizona cleared her throat and dried her eyes. It looked as though the words she wanted to say were made of razor blades and they sliced her throat as each one crept out.
"When... When I woke up in the woods, it took me a minute or so to figure out that I was alive. I couldn't move. Felt like I couldn't breathe. I could hear screaming. It was so loud and it hurt my ears. It wasn't until Cristina screamed at me to stop that I realized it was me. Everything was so foggy. Like, I wasn't there or something. Cristina stayed with me and Mark whenever she could but she was exhausted. I couldn't sleep. I closed my eyes so she would stop flapping around me. But I couldn't sleep. I was so scared that I wouldn't wake up. Wouldn't see my family again."
Arizona took a steadying breath and inched slightly closer to Callie. "Mark talked about you. Sofia. Our family. He fought Callie. My god he fought. Even after he watched Lexie die. He fought. He wanted to come home to his family. To all of us. Luckily he was out of it when the animals started ..." She shook her head and screwed her eyes tight. Callie felt herself moving closer. The distance they had kept between them slipped away as Arizona's monologue went on. "He didn't have to hear it. Which was good. That would have ruined him. He was so strong Callie. He made me promise that we would both come home. We did. We came home to you. But he didn't stay. He left Callie. He... Left us. He was so strong and he couldn't fight anymore. But here I am. All bent out of shape because I lost a leg. But I'm still here. Its a leg right, just a leg, Its not my life..." She was beginning to sound hysterical, her sentences becoming shorter and more erratic. Callie's ears hurt as Arizona's voice got higher, more panicked.
Callie had swept Arizona into a tight embrace in an instant. Holding her wife against her chest, trying to show her that she was safe. Arizona's body shook violently within her arms. Tears soaking Callie's shirt. Muffled pleas for forgiveness thudded like hammers against Callie's chest. All she could do was hold on, be the rock that Arizona needed. They hadn't talked about the crash, they hadn't talked about much recently. As Arizona raised her head, Callie looked down into the broken soul of her love. "I am so sorry Callie. I have been so selfish. Its all been about me and it should have been about you. You lost Mark, Sofia lost her Daddy. You lost so much and all I have cared about is losing a leg. I still get to be here. To see you, hold you. I am here to watch Sofia grow and become amazing. But Mark isn't. He didn't get to be here. God I have been so damn selfish. You have been so strong. Holding everything together and I have done is beat you down. For saving me. You always save me Callie. Usually from myself. But I never say thank you."
Callie's heart was breaking as for the first time, Arizona was truly letting her guard down. She wasn't being the good man in the storm, she was calling out for help to stop drowning in it.
"I'm so sorry Callie. Please, forgive me. I know I have so much to make up for but I swear... I swear I will make it right. I swear." Callie lowered her face and buried her lips against Arizona's hair. Clinging tight to her wife, holding her above the water which she had been treading.
"Its ok. Its ok baby." She whispered against Arizona's golden hair.
The sun was rising over Seattle when Arizona finally finished telling Callie, in detail, everything that had happened while out in the wilderness. Callie had heard stories from all the other survivors, but none from Arizona's perspective. She finally understood why Arizona had been so determined not to lose her leg. Arizona had lost enough lately and the leg would be a permanent reminder of those terror filed days. The phantom pains would haunt her. She could never forget the sounds, sights and smells of that trauma. But Arizona had decided, through a conversation with herself, that she wouldn't see it as a loss. Instead it would be a daily reminder that she was alive.
There was so much they still had to work through, however Arizona had finally opened the door. Callie could stop banging her fists against it, begging to be let in. The road ahead would be rocky and they both knew it. But as Callie lifted Arizona into bed and slipped in beside her, for the first time since Arizona had come home, Callie smiled and wrapped her arms around her wife. "I love you Callie." The words were a whisper. But they were enough to stoke the dying ember in Callie's heart. Bringing it from the brink of extinction back to a roaring flame.
"I love you too. Always."