Fan Fic: Shake it Out (One Shot)
Title: Shake it Out (One Shot)
Author: Metriosity
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: PG 15
Summary: Reconnecting - Arizona POV
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, though I wish I did. Shonda and ABC are the lucky ones with all the rights, claims and ownership.
Authors Note: Been sick on the sofa all day, so I went back and watched as many Calzona scenes as youtube would allow. Fell in love with their stories all over again. This story was helped along by the Florence and the Machine Song "Shake it Out."
Falling down, means finding a way to pick yourself back up. Sometimes you are too bruised, exhausted or beaten to find the strength to heave what feels like the weight of a whole world, back up into a posture befitting the pride and strength that you know is in there somewhere. You wonder if all that time on the floor is a sign, a sign to stay down. You don't have anything left, just be resigned to your fate. You start seeing the floor as that constant, a comfort. But it is cold down there, alone while the world moves on above you. Laying there where the bugs crawl, where dirt is trodden. You know you don't belong there and feeling that makes you lay flatter to it.
To feel arms wrap around you, offering to shoulder that weight as well as theirs and lifting you back up into the world is something to light even the smallest spark of determination. Sometimes you resist. You can't even tell why. It's as though you are fighting against them because they shouldn't have to lift you, its that dark pride, the one that makes you resentful for help. You are also terrified that you will bring them down there with you. A small part of you relishes in that. You won't be alone and both of you can just stop fighting against the inevitable fall downwards. But your love for this savior battles against that demon. You get this crazy feeling that they deserve better and if you kick them away, fight them at every turn, they will go, fly. They will be free.
It takes a long time to realize that all that effort you are putting into fighting them, could be used to pull yourself up. It could free you from the chains holding you down. It took me a long time. I wallowed in my own dark world. I don't mind admitting that, I pushed away everyone who loved me. But most forcefully, the woman who had been to hell and back with me and still stood beside me, determined to love me till death do us part.
She has been patient. Through all the tantrums, fights, tears and recovery and she held it together. Our family was torn when we lost Mark but she did everything she could to keep us from falling apart completely. Stopping me from falling apart. And as a reward for her patience and love, I tormented her with words of hatred, resentment and spite. I knew I was wrong, somewhere inside from behind a dark curtain that fell over me. But still the words flowed. My back turned to her. The woman who has saved my life on more than one level.
As she held me in the shower on one afternoon where my self pity had swallowed me whole, as I watched her tears fall and melt with the heat of the water, I fought her. I fought against her until she made me see that we were one. I was making her suffer with me. Her life is mine, mine is hers and ours is Sofia's. The floor looked less appealing as memories of my family flooded my mind. My reason for being was still there and I belonged with them. I was going to fight, and fight hard. But the fight would be to climb up. A good man in a storm does not let the storm beat them.
Tonight as I came home after completing my first full week back at work, which was by no means easy but was definitely an achievement which I never thought I would ever see again, I stood outside the apartment door and smiled. To most people, walking home is a mundane task. It doesn't warrant much celebration. But there are those of us who for every step, it is a milestone. A feat of endurance that is to be proud of. And as I stood at the door I smiled that I felt pride once again. Proud of myself for being strong. Prouder still of Callie, for being strong enough for us both until I could find my footing again.
Inside the door, my smile grew wider. My wife and daughter danced carefree in the center of the apartment. The joy on their faces was enough to warm even the coldest of hearts. We were a family again. Almost. There was something missing and I knew that it was my fault and my responsibility to fix it. After we stood by Sofia's crib, staring with nothing but pure adoration at our beautiful baby girl, I knew the time was right to take that final leap, leave the ground forever and take Callie with me back into the air where we were free.
I'm not sure anyone will ever understand just how much I love her, or what we have been through. I really don't care if they do. As long as she knows. She has to know every day that there is no one on this earth who will ever have my heart. She is its keeper. She earned that right a long time ago and with the way she has stood her ground, protecting it since, she has carved her name within its walls so deep that no other can get near. That is where I have been lacking, showing her just how much I love her. I know she still feels as though any moment this calm will shatter and I will fall again. But I don't want that to happen, I won't allow it. It's time for me to ease her fears. My only hope is that, well that I am still ...
I was never perfect. She told me that I was, all the time. And my legs were always a source of fascniation for her. She would spend hours just running her fingers along them. How will she feel about me now? I am slowly getting used to seeing a part of me missing. I am scared that she won't... She won't want me. It's stupid I know, she has stood by me this long and I know she isn't that shallow. But I still can't help but feel embarassed, no, that's not the right word. I can't explain it. But the time for fear and shame is gone. I have made the milestone steps and this one has to be made, behind me is the dark and I want to be in the light with the rest of the world.
She looked a little stunned when I cupped her face in my hands, gazed at her and told her that I loved her. Stunned but happy. I have been cold lately and it felt good to be able to just sink into those warm brown eyes again. I love it when she gets that dazed smile, it makes me feel butterflies in my stomach. So imagine my joy at seeing it linger after I kissed her, slower and longer than I have ever kissed her. I needed her to have no doubt of what my intentions were. She had to know that I needed her, just as she needed me. For nothing more than to be together. She was hesitant at first, pulling back a little with that smile and a quizzical look in her eyes, but as I chewed my lip and slipped my arms around her neck, she let go of her doubts and held me. Not to keep me up, but to keep me close. To keep me as hers. That, I will always be.
I won't lie, I was scared as she lay me down on the sofa. I knew the moment would come when the inevitable attention would be drawn to the hunk of plastic and metal where skin used to be. But she was so gentle, so loving I let go of my fears. I felt as though this was the first time. I had to trust her, just as she trusted me. We spent hours there, rediscovering each other. It was as though we were both new. There were moments where she would run her hand down my thigh and without wanting to, I flinched. But there was a calmness in her motion. She wasn't repulsed or turned off by me. Have you ever had such a huge fear that sometimes it threatened to eat you alive? Then had that fear crushed? It is like opening your eyes and seeing the demons under the bed were nothing but shadows. You want to laugh it off at your own stupidity but you end up crying with joy that such terror is finally gone. I cried the first time she ran her fingers down my leg. She kissed each tear away, telling me that I was beautiful in every way.
After the third or fourth time, I stopped caring that her hands were near my scars and started to revel in the sensation of her hands, her lips, her tongue taking their time over every inch of me. She is glorious to behold, in everything she does, but while she is making love to me that is when she is at her most beautiful. The glow of her skin, the way her hair falls across her face. The soft curve of her hips as she lets them rise and fall. Even her skin seems softer as though it is allowing mine to become a part of it. My eyes can't take in every detail but they try. I let her tend to my needs, I could feel that she wanted to show me that she still wanted me. But she had to know that I wanted her just as badly.
She was so patient with me while I tried to adjust to my new circumstances. It's funny, you never realize just how much you rely on something until it's gone. But over time you find new ways to do things. And she was more than happy to let me take my time. We were finally sealing the rift between us, permanently. I missed her, the way her skin reacted to my touch, the way her eyes would darken and beg for more. I missed our private dance, the one that she and I shared in complete unison. I was the luckiest woman in the world to have found her. I wouldn't let her go at any cost.
When we were finally too exhausted to go on but content to lay in one anothers arms, stroking our fingers slowly over each other, I got the feeling we had both finally let go of everything. Not just my leg, but everything. Africa, Erica, Mark, George, families, problems, differences. It was all gone. Every hurdle we had come to and leapt over was so far behind that it wasn't even a shadow. We made it. I knew that right here in her arms was were I would always be, no matter what. I was done running, literally and figuratively.
I guess I am putting all this into words now so that I can say that I am OK. The storm has passed and I'm still here. I won't pretend that there won't be bumps in the road ahead, but for now, I can walk tall and proud again. I'm OK. Callie and I are OK. Better than. I'll look back on this one day and laugh that I almost allowed my despair to drag me into the dark, when there was an Angel waiting for me to fly with her in the sun.