What the fuck....
I hate deception, I hate dishonesty. I hate the fact that I devoted nearly 2.5 years to loving you and making you happy. I hate the fact that you can get over it so easily when I can only forget it for a short while. Mostly, I hate the fact that I loved you so and it feels as if you never honestly returned it. I can't stand that you hurt me so bad yet I don't regret you. I wish I could see it all as a mistake but I can't.
I am with someone I love very much. He makes me feel so much better than you ever did and he's never hurt me nor do I think he will. Yet...when I feel it can't get any better, it doesn't--only because for some reason, it reminds me of the good times we had together. That brings me down so much and I feel horrible. I feel as if I'm guilty for having cared about you so. I wish I could just erase you from my memories while at the same time, I don't.
What you did makes me paranoid about every person I begin to like. It's even worse when we get involved. I can't stop thinking that it will end like you and I....that one day it will just end; die. That i will be blind to withering.
Then at the same time, I lied to you. You may have been unloyal to me but you weren't the only one. Granted, I didn't take it to the extent you did.... I may have been blind to the withering, only because I believed in your words. The words you told me then but deny now. That you'd never hurt me again, that you wouldn't fail me. That you wanted to spend your life with me. Yet, in the core of my being, it ate away. The idea that you were only saying things so it ended on your terms and not mine. Maybe you were just afraid of being alone, I don't know or care to. Deep inside I felt that you would never be what you were to me. That you would do it again. I should have trusted my instincts instead of you. I should not have had faith in your beguiling words. For awhile, I felt guilty for having cheated on you with Jon and Matt...so guilty that I cried afterwards....but to find out that you were doing the same to me...made me feel better.
In a light, I see my actions as just...because you had done it in the past. That's the only reason I was upset at you being unfaithful. Sometimes I wonder what I ever saw in you and why I'd trust you....
Now that that's out...the other stuff.:)
Yesterday was Patricks and my six month anniversary. I'm so happy with him (despite above said) and I have never been happier with someone before. He makes me feel genuinely good and I try my best to do the same. We're so different but not too different. I love it and I love him.
He had an interview today, he said he has a job now. I am so proud of him. I hope he knows that.
Speaking of jobs, I need to find one. I'm thinking of trying telemarketing or something similar.
The other day ago, I was looking at old pictures of myself online and on my computer. I changed a lot. I really miss my long hair...and my short black hair. I'm thinking of dying it red again until it grows longer but not too sure.
I'm going to practice my typing skills. :)
<3 Always,
Kristina
I am with someone I love very much. He makes me feel so much better than you ever did and he's never hurt me nor do I think he will. Yet...when I feel it can't get any better, it doesn't--only because for some reason, it reminds me of the good times we had together. That brings me down so much and I feel horrible. I feel as if I'm guilty for having cared about you so. I wish I could just erase you from my memories while at the same time, I don't.
What you did makes me paranoid about every person I begin to like. It's even worse when we get involved. I can't stop thinking that it will end like you and I....that one day it will just end; die. That i will be blind to withering.
Then at the same time, I lied to you. You may have been unloyal to me but you weren't the only one. Granted, I didn't take it to the extent you did.... I may have been blind to the withering, only because I believed in your words. The words you told me then but deny now. That you'd never hurt me again, that you wouldn't fail me. That you wanted to spend your life with me. Yet, in the core of my being, it ate away. The idea that you were only saying things so it ended on your terms and not mine. Maybe you were just afraid of being alone, I don't know or care to. Deep inside I felt that you would never be what you were to me. That you would do it again. I should have trusted my instincts instead of you. I should not have had faith in your beguiling words. For awhile, I felt guilty for having cheated on you with Jon and Matt...so guilty that I cried afterwards....but to find out that you were doing the same to me...made me feel better.
In a light, I see my actions as just...because you had done it in the past. That's the only reason I was upset at you being unfaithful. Sometimes I wonder what I ever saw in you and why I'd trust you....
Now that that's out...the other stuff.:)
Yesterday was Patricks and my six month anniversary. I'm so happy with him (despite above said) and I have never been happier with someone before. He makes me feel genuinely good and I try my best to do the same. We're so different but not too different. I love it and I love him.
He had an interview today, he said he has a job now. I am so proud of him. I hope he knows that.
Speaking of jobs, I need to find one. I'm thinking of trying telemarketing or something similar.
The other day ago, I was looking at old pictures of myself online and on my computer. I changed a lot. I really miss my long hair...and my short black hair. I'm thinking of dying it red again until it grows longer but not too sure.
I'm going to practice my typing skills. :)
<3 Always,
Kristina