Midnight Ramblings
This is something I was just thinking about last night (night of Jan. 4) and wrote down in the notebook I keep beside my bed.
What is it about motivation that eludes me? Yesterday in psychology we talked about motivation coming from two directions. One is the inner drives, mostly refering to biology, like hunger and the sex drive. The second is external stimuli that pull us in a direction. But I couldn't help thinking (as did my prof, surprisingly) that I do certain things not only because of an amalgam of interior and external tensions pushing and pulling me in directions and forcing me to go somewhere. This limits us a humans and I can't help but think that God created us to do more than react. How can the complexity of the human mind and behaviour be explained by the vagaries of evolutionary necessity? Mind you, the theories proposed were more complex than I make out, and had some sense and even merit to them. But since when has God followed to wisdom of the world? Besides, this model couldn't explain everything anyways. To me, as far as I've been able to come up with, there are two things that motivate us to act; passion and necessity. Yes that's right, necessity is still included in the list. I did say the theories had some merit, didn't I? However, this is only the icing on the cake of motivation. Sure we need to eat, sleep, etc, and that affects a lot of out life, but animals act the same way. The defining cause is passion. It's what makes us human. God created us with a longing for more than a life based on instincts or chasing our next meal. No, we want (perhaps need) things like love, purpose, excitement, and all the other things that make our lives worthwhile. This is far more than an evolutionary necessity that promotes reproduction, more than an inner drive for pleasure. No, instead this is what causes us to forsake immediate pleasure for good, to forego even the necessities of life for a greater reward at a later date. To long for eternal life. This passion is what motivates us to do what we do, to help others, to make the world a better place, heck, even to enjoy living. So why is it that I find myself so passionless recently? In grade 12 I was depressed because I coudln't decide what to do with my life. It took me quite some time to see that it was God that gives purpose to our lives. God is the passion that we need to have in the ultimate form. Jesus said that he came to give us life, and that to the full. I realised that if I trusted in God it didn't matter if I knew where my life was going. But now, two years later, in university, I still don't know where I'm going. Oh, I have some vague idea of being a counsellor, maybe, but I really don't know how to get there, or what or where there really is. I still enjoy things, drinking Dr. Pepper, hanging out with friends, even learning new things, exercising my mind, but I know I'm not doing anything with my life. It doesn't have any substance. I want it to sparkle and say this is worthwhile; this is changing people. And yet I can find no direction that exictes me. To be honest (and perhaps immodest [hey that rhymes]), God has given me a lot of gifts. I could suceed at pretty much whatever I put my mind to. But to go somewhere I would have to pursue it. I don't just mean coasting and possibly doing well (like now), but running after it full speed, downhill, going so fast and leaning so far forward that if you don't catch it you'll fall. That kind of pursuing. I have no passion for anything. Even my love for God isn't enough to motivate me. And as I'm feeling distant from him anyways, I guess that I'm stuck in some kind of a limbo, listless, but somewhere in the back of my mind remembering what I used to have with God, and hoping to find that passion again. The passion of the Christ. I think that's why I'm doing this whole surprise me thing. I want God to show himself to me in such a new and real way that I can no longer deny him. That it becomes all or nothing. The kind of thing that makes you fall down as if dead. The awe. The love. Attaching a defibrilator to my life to shock it alive. And alive to the full. Not this lazy, half-assed meandering through the mist, but a sprint towards the finish line, full of purpose and drive. Pell-mell down the hill, no fear, all rush, the only conflict coming from the joy of running contrasted with the goal at the end. Oh Jesus, please fill my life like that! I've just realised that this passion needs to be all about Jesus. I can't just find a passion for something I do. That's not enough. I need a passion for the living God. That's what will give my life purpose. That's what will motivate me to act, even when I'm not sure where to go.
What is it about motivation that eludes me? Yesterday in psychology we talked about motivation coming from two directions. One is the inner drives, mostly refering to biology, like hunger and the sex drive. The second is external stimuli that pull us in a direction. But I couldn't help thinking (as did my prof, surprisingly) that I do certain things not only because of an amalgam of interior and external tensions pushing and pulling me in directions and forcing me to go somewhere. This limits us a humans and I can't help but think that God created us to do more than react. How can the complexity of the human mind and behaviour be explained by the vagaries of evolutionary necessity? Mind you, the theories proposed were more complex than I make out, and had some sense and even merit to them. But since when has God followed to wisdom of the world? Besides, this model couldn't explain everything anyways. To me, as far as I've been able to come up with, there are two things that motivate us to act; passion and necessity. Yes that's right, necessity is still included in the list. I did say the theories had some merit, didn't I? However, this is only the icing on the cake of motivation. Sure we need to eat, sleep, etc, and that affects a lot of out life, but animals act the same way. The defining cause is passion. It's what makes us human. God created us with a longing for more than a life based on instincts or chasing our next meal. No, we want (perhaps need) things like love, purpose, excitement, and all the other things that make our lives worthwhile. This is far more than an evolutionary necessity that promotes reproduction, more than an inner drive for pleasure. No, instead this is what causes us to forsake immediate pleasure for good, to forego even the necessities of life for a greater reward at a later date. To long for eternal life. This passion is what motivates us to do what we do, to help others, to make the world a better place, heck, even to enjoy living. So why is it that I find myself so passionless recently? In grade 12 I was depressed because I coudln't decide what to do with my life. It took me quite some time to see that it was God that gives purpose to our lives. God is the passion that we need to have in the ultimate form. Jesus said that he came to give us life, and that to the full. I realised that if I trusted in God it didn't matter if I knew where my life was going. But now, two years later, in university, I still don't know where I'm going. Oh, I have some vague idea of being a counsellor, maybe, but I really don't know how to get there, or what or where there really is. I still enjoy things, drinking Dr. Pepper, hanging out with friends, even learning new things, exercising my mind, but I know I'm not doing anything with my life. It doesn't have any substance. I want it to sparkle and say this is worthwhile; this is changing people. And yet I can find no direction that exictes me. To be honest (and perhaps immodest [hey that rhymes]), God has given me a lot of gifts. I could suceed at pretty much whatever I put my mind to. But to go somewhere I would have to pursue it. I don't just mean coasting and possibly doing well (like now), but running after it full speed, downhill, going so fast and leaning so far forward that if you don't catch it you'll fall. That kind of pursuing. I have no passion for anything. Even my love for God isn't enough to motivate me. And as I'm feeling distant from him anyways, I guess that I'm stuck in some kind of a limbo, listless, but somewhere in the back of my mind remembering what I used to have with God, and hoping to find that passion again. The passion of the Christ. I think that's why I'm doing this whole surprise me thing. I want God to show himself to me in such a new and real way that I can no longer deny him. That it becomes all or nothing. The kind of thing that makes you fall down as if dead. The awe. The love. Attaching a defibrilator to my life to shock it alive. And alive to the full. Not this lazy, half-assed meandering through the mist, but a sprint towards the finish line, full of purpose and drive. Pell-mell down the hill, no fear, all rush, the only conflict coming from the joy of running contrasted with the goal at the end. Oh Jesus, please fill my life like that! I've just realised that this passion needs to be all about Jesus. I can't just find a passion for something I do. That's not enough. I need a passion for the living God. That's what will give my life purpose. That's what will motivate me to act, even when I'm not sure where to go.