Day 2
Day 2 back on the medication: Dosage: 30mg/(40mg)
Status Update:
*Physical: No surprises here;
**major annoyance: wasn't able to actually sleep last night
**medium annoyance: eating has become a chore. Dunno. Part of me wouldn't mind losing some weight
**minor annoyance: little aches and pains around my face and body; the self-inflicted pain of tunneling. At least my teeth have stop hurting.
*Mental: Tunneled yesterday (day 1) at work, highly productive. No tunneling today, but I was working on class work, or trying to... I got a lot done, but I noticed that I was avoiding the task. Still, I can feel a slight difference today, at least I think I do. Thinking faster than I can write.
*Mood: Wouldn't call it good, but I've got energy to do stuff, and am feeling productive, even if no sense of accomplishment yet.
Done today: half the backlog on CM360 homework.
Set up Dr's appointment for next Tuesday, 9:00AM (left address on post-it in office: still have phone number)
Got the mail from the mail box
Yet to do:
Other half the backlog on CM360 homework. (apparently Friday next week is the deadline)
Backlog on writing class homework (Tomorrow)
Car: emissions test/tags (Friday)
Mail/paperwork in-house (Saturday)
Still feeling 'chatty' but is that the right word? I wanna type, get my thoughts out, sorted, organized, put into order, before I share them. On the drive home I couldn't stop myself from writing this- no, not writing it, rehearsing it, thinking what I wanted to write without any semblance of order. So I had the thought to try and breath life back into this journal.
Is anyone reading these? If so, please comment. If not... eh, meh. This still helps me deal with my mind.
Anyway, so the story is that I ran out of my medication, and lost my ability to focus in on things enough to get that done which I need to do for work, home, and school. It was 5 months ago that my then shrink moved without calling me. Fell into a self-destructive cycle of doing just as little as I could get away with, which left so much stuff that I needed to do simply... "I can't be arsed to do that now"
I only just yesterday was able to work, to focus. My parents threw me a rope, portrayed in this metaphor by medication that helps me deal with my ADHD. I didn't grab the rope firmly yet, having botched the first dr's appointment by not having information on the old dosage. Wound up with 10*15mg pills.
Tricky part: 6 pills left. I'll want 2 tomorrow so I can get a good run-up/attack on the Written Analysis backlog. That leaves 4: Not enough for 1 daily until the appointment Tuesday. ... I have some QR tabs in the bottle I had left in the office, I think they'll do for Tuesday... No margin for error.
Gotta remember to take the anti-depressants.
So how am I feeling? I'm not really happier than I was last week at this point, and over the last weekend I think I had some negative mood reactions to the anti-depressants. Or something. That should fade as my system adjusts, but I'm honestly not happy now.
But... There is something. The despair of the downward spiral is lifting. When I tell myself I'll work on something tomorrow, or the day after...
It feels like I'm not lying to myself. I always "believed" that I could get stuff done later, so I could blow it off now. Today... I left a work project unfinished and I will get to it on Friday.
One thing I need to watch out for: obsessing on small details, trying to get them JUST right. It is so easy to become lost in that kinda stuff. Hell, as simple as packing my school bag, or as trivial as locking the front door when I left the office.
It's so strange. Being tired having worked hard, still having the drive to do stuff and stay active, and yet not having the mental energy to really think about anything. 's how I felt last night, trying to get to sleep.