Julia Child she is not...
When I cook, thing can get...interesting. Generally I come out with pretty awesome food as a result, but getting to that point often involved my temper rising--when utensils don't do what I want them to do, or there are too many pots and pans going at once and something's boiling over, or when our super-sensitive smoke alarm system goes off. Here's a basic translation guide:
Profanity - Warning: The actual profanity you may hear may vary from the examples given. Each string of profanity is individually crafted with care and organic materials.
FUCK! = One thing is going wrong
MOTHERFUCKER! = Two things are going wrong simultaneously
COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKER FROM HELL! = At least three things are going wrong simultaneously; be wary
POXRIDDEN SPAWN OF A GUTTERSLUTFUCKER FROM THE BOIL-RIDDEN GOAT-ARSE OF SATAN! = Take cover, preferably in an intact fallout shelter if you have access to one. Do not attempt to quantify how many things are going wrong. Do not ask later, either. There is no way to safely gauge whether or not utensils will be hurled in your direction.
Smoke Alarm - They're all connected, so when one goes, they all go.
Goes off once = Something's boiling over
Goes off twice = The oven is being cantankerous
Goes off more than twice = Satan got tired of me taking his arse in vain, and has arrived to discuss the matter--politely, of course.
Goes off in conjunction with profanity = supper's done--get your drinks!
Context is served! Flocked, QWP.
Profanity - Warning: The actual profanity you may hear may vary from the examples given. Each string of profanity is individually crafted with care and organic materials.
FUCK! = One thing is going wrong
MOTHERFUCKER! = Two things are going wrong simultaneously
COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKER FROM HELL! = At least three things are going wrong simultaneously; be wary
POXRIDDEN SPAWN OF A GUTTERSLUTFUCKER FROM THE BOIL-RIDDEN GOAT-ARSE OF SATAN! = Take cover, preferably in an intact fallout shelter if you have access to one. Do not attempt to quantify how many things are going wrong. Do not ask later, either. There is no way to safely gauge whether or not utensils will be hurled in your direction.
Smoke Alarm - They're all connected, so when one goes, they all go.
Goes off once = Something's boiling over
Goes off twice = The oven is being cantankerous
Goes off more than twice = Satan got tired of me taking his arse in vain, and has arrived to discuss the matter--politely, of course.
Goes off in conjunction with profanity = supper's done--get your drinks!
Context is served! Flocked, QWP.