(no subject)
Okay, take three times, and I'm going to just wait until tonight.
Author Name: author_by_night
Title: The Hat
Rating: PG
Prompts: Picture of the Whomping Willow, Day of tough choices, supernatural
Ships: Remus/OC, Remus/Tonks
Summary: Before there was Tonks, there was Panyin… and with Panyin came a decision Remus would always regret.
Words: 3, 117
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is the property of JK Rowling - I am merely borrowing her characters. I am in no way affiliated with the publishing, illustrating, or marketing of the books or the movies.
Additionally, I must credit arianablack for Panyin Lide-Whitley and her sister, Banji; she created them, we RP’d them, and they merged themselves into my ficverse with her permission. She has read this fanfic and approved of how I chose to use them.
Final note: I would like to thank angua9 and shiedwolf for their wonderful beta work. Thanks, guys! :D
1 September, 1976
Something like this was not supposed to be happening.
Remus Lupin had never even planned on making friends; it would be a bad idea for them to get too close. What if something ever went wrong? What if he ever hurt someone - or got hurt himself?
But James Potter, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew had grown on him, and Remus had realized how much he needed friends. Needed them. Even when Sirius had made his mistake months earlier, Remus knew he had to forgive and forget, because they were all he had. And Full Moons really were easier with them.
Romance, however, was still not an option. It was a whole other level - it involved trust (trust different than friendship), something Remus lacked, and something Panyin would lack if she ever knew. If her parents knew.
But here he was, staring at Panyin. James had invited Lily and her friends into their compartment - he and Lily had apparently become quite friendly over the summer. Most of Lily’s friends were talking and joking around - except Panyin Lide-Whitley.
Panyin had brought a book, and was thoroughly into it; she did not even appear to hear her twin sister, Banji, call Snape a “greasy-haired mongrel”, and when Lily Evans accidentally kicked Mary North instead of Banji in retaliation, causing Mary to bump into Panyin’s shoulder, Panyin merely looked at them, tucked a strand of her dark hair behind her ear, and carried on with her book.
Remus found something fascinating about someone who could enjoy a book that much. He enjoyed a good book himself, but it was clear Panyin went beyond enjoyment; she seemed to have lost almost full awareness of her surroundings.
Almost at once, Remus realized he had feelings for her.
*
15 November
“Remus?”
Remus turned; Panyin was following Remus, Peter, James and Sirius out of Charms, motioning for Lily and Banji to go on without her.
Peter, Sirius and James raised their eyebrows at Remus. Remus tried not to look back at them.
“Hi,” Remus said.
“Lame, Moony,” James whispered.
“Hi,” Panyin replied. “I wanted to ask you something.”
“We’ll catch you later, Remus,” James said. “Sirius and I have a lot of homework to do.”
“We do our - ow,” Sirius exclaimed as James kicked his shin. “Oh, okay. Bye - nice seeing you, Panyin.”
Peter gave Remus a “that’s our friends for you” look before following them; Remus smiled.
“You know,” Panyin said, “I’m sure James has just gone off to find Lily.”
“Er - yes, that’s it,” Remus lied. The truth was that they had decided Remus was in love with Panyin ever since they caught him watching her eat at the Ravenclaw table. What they didn’t know was that they were right about Remus having feelings for her - but they were wrong about it ever being possible.
“You know, we should take a bet,” Panyin mused. “How long do you give them?”
“Give who?”
“Lily and James, of course,” Panyin added with a laugh. Remus noted that once she got comfortable in a conversation, she was much less shy.
“Six months, and only because they have all the bad stuff to overcome,” Remus said.
Panyin shuddered. “You mean from when she was friends with Snape? Honestly, I’m so glad that’s over, even though I’ve never liked J-”
She stopped, and looked at her shoes.
“It’s okay, I know,” Remus assured her. “They - we’ve been gits.”
“No, no, I shouldn’t-”
“It’s okay, really,” Remus said, giving her a smile.
Panyin exhaled. “I’m sorry, I swear sometimes Banji’s poor sense of tact rubs off on me.”
“Have you seen me on a bad day?” Remus asked.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you unfriendly, no,” Panyin said.
Remus’s heart skipped a beat, and another beat when he noticed Panyin looked embarrassed once again.
She was flirting with him. Involuntarily, but flirting all the same.
Remus had wanted nothing more for the past two months. He had also wanted nothing less.
He could not let it happen. If anything came out of the flirting…
“Anyway, Remus, I wanted to ask you something,” Panyin began.
If he let her too close…
Panyin cleared her throat, and looked at him. “This weekend’s a Hogsmeade weekend, and I was wondering…”
If he gave into his feelings…
Panyin had stopped, and then started to speak again. “I mean, you can say no, I bet you already made arrangements with your friends, but I was hoping-”
In the end, one of them could be hurt…
“-that maybe you would like to come with me?”
But what was life without a little risk?
“I would love to,” Remus said.
Damn.
*
1 February, 1977
It was true love.
Remus loved the way Panyin would bring up references to books she’d read or a song she’d heard at random, occasionally even quoting a line or singing a verse. He loved the way she would re-organize something she thought was out of order, even though it was also a little annoying. He loved how it felt when her hand was on his shoulder, when she leaned against him and laughed at a joke. He loved the way she would talk about her sister, as though she could neither stand her nor live without her. He loved how she would get irritated over the silliest things.
But Remus also knew there was a reality he had to face.
Panyin was already suspicious; she didn’t understand why he was always sick, nor why he avoided the subject. She was stubborn and smart, a combination that told Remus one thing: she was determined to find out, and would find out on her own if she had to.
So Remus told Panyin to meet him outside after dinner. He knew he’d have to show her for her to believe it.
As Remus stood under the sky, a shiver ran down his back that was not entirely due to the cold weather.
How was she going to react? Would she love him anyway? Would she be scared of him? Would she accept him, but then tell Banji, who wouldn’t? Remus knew Banji was protective of her sister - was it to the point where she would forbid her to date a Werewolf?
“Okay, Remus,” Panyin said as she came towards him in the snow, putting on a blue and white striped hat with a snowman on the front. “I’m ready - I hope it’s worth freezing for?” She added this with a wink.
“It’s that important,” Remus said. “I have to show you something. Hold my hand, it’ll be a bumpy walk.”
Panyin gave Remus a puzzled look, and slid her hand into his. “I’m intrigued. Are you sure Banji can’t come? She’s going to quiz me afterwards…”
Remus cringed. “I’d actually rather she didn’t… this is something very private.”
“Is it some sort of prank?” Panyin asked. “That was Lily’s guess.”
Remus had to laugh. “No, it’s not a prank.”
“Good, I think I’m too cold for one,” Panyin said. “Remus… are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Remus said quickly. “It’s just that all the work I’m doing is overwhelming.”
“Yeah, it is,” Panyin said. “I guess it’s worth it, for when you become an Auror, right?”
“I’m probably not going to be an Auror,” Remus told her.
“You’ve told me that before,” Panyin said. “Don’t be so hard on yourself - you can do it. You know every Dark Creature by heart, I’ve seen you and James duel for fun, and you’re smart.”
“I want to do it,” Remus admitted. “More than anything. But I don’t know if I’ll get in. I’m no good at Potions, for one, and they prefer a NEWT in that.”
Panyin stopped in her tracks, and glared at him. “Cut it out - I’m getting sick of hearing you be so hard on yourself about the future. You are going to be an excellent Auror someday.”
“It’s complicated,” Remus said.
“You say that all the time; what’s so complicated about dreaming?”
“That’s what I’m going to explain,” Remus said gently. “Let’s go inside.”
Remus led her towards the Whomping Willow, and Panyin stopped.
“Are we going under that tree?” She asked.
“In a way, yes,” Remus said.
Panyin looked alarmed. “We’ll be killed by those branches.”
“We won’t, I promise,” Remus assured her.
“That’s what Banji said our first year; I almost lost my head, literally,” Panyin said, stepping back. “There is no way I am going there.”
“I have the solution,” Remus said quietly. “You stay there - I’ll show you.”
Panyin hesitated.
“Please, Pan? I need you to do this.”
After a moment, Panyin nodded. “I trust you’re not going to get us mutilated.”
They moved closer, and a branch swept by Panyin; she ducked, and Remus knelt on the ground, motioning for her to do the same.
Remus took a stick out of his pocked, and crawled under the branches.
“What are you doing?” He heard Panyin shriek, and then she stopped, probably ducking again. “You’ll get killed!”
As Remus began to poke the tree, he heard her stand up and make towards him.
“Wait just a moment!” He cried.
Remus poked the hole, and it opened.
“Now you can come,” Remus said quietly.
Panyin made her way towards the hole, staring. “This is mad.”
They walked into the tree, and made their way through the tunnel.
“Banji always used to swear the Willow was a secret passageway,” Panyin said under her breath.
Remus grinned despite himself. “She was right.”
“She - she was.”
They walked a little further, and Remus felt his heart starting to pound.
Maybe they should turn back. Maybe he should tell her nevermind, that the thing he needed to show her was that it was a passageway. He didn’t have to do this, did he?
But she was much too clever to believe it.
They finally reached the door, and Remus hesitated.
“This is going to be a bit of a shock,” he warned her.
He opened the door, to show her the shack, and watched her as she walked in.
Panyin’s eyes fell on the table, which was missing a leg; they traveled to the couch, scratched up, and a then to a book on Animagi. Her eyes finally caught the stairs, also scratched up with a banister that had been chewed on.
“Where are we?” Panyin asked.
“The Shrieking Shack,” Remus replied.
Panyin stared at him. “Are you the only one who knows about the passage to this place?”
“Dumbledore does, and James, Peter and Sirius,” Remus told her. “Let’s sit down.”
As they sat, Remus looked into Panyin’s eyes.
“Panyin…” he began.
Her eyes were so earnest, so loving…
Remus hesitated.
Then he looked up the stairs, the stairs he would be heading up in a week’s time. He looked around the shack again.
This was his reality. And Panyin couldn’t know it; she would never want to be with him, and even if she did… there were too many risks. He could hurt her. Her parents might not like it. Banji might not like it.
Why ruin it for her? Why let her know who he became each month? Why place such a burden on her?
It couldn’t be. Panyin’s reality was a world of dreams and hope, a world where she was unlimited. His was not.
It had been a wonderful couple of months, but he could not do it anymore without telling her, and she could not know. It was better for her not to.
So Remus took a deep breath, and said, with a sinking heart:
“We can’t be together any more.”
Panyin’s face went from confusion to realization and back to confusion.
“It’s not you,” Remus said quickly. “I know that’s what every bloke says, but… it’s not. I have… I have to do some things on my own. There’s things I can’t tell you.”
“You can tell me,” Panyin insisted. “I won’t hold a thing against you.”
“You don’t understand,” Remus said. “I love you, I really do, but I can’t hurt you.”
“You’re hurting me now.”
“I have a life you could never understand,” Remus told her. “There’s things you
really do not need to know. You’re better off not knowing.”
“What do-” Panyin began, but Remus shook his head.
“I can’t explain,” he said, a lump in his throat now. “Don’t make me. Just know that it was the best few months of my life, but this is not a reality for me.”
“What on earth are you talking about, Remus? Are you-”
“I’m sorry,” Remus said.
“If you were really sorry, you would explain,” Panyin snapped.
Remus swallowed. “Please don’t say that.”
For a moment, Panyin just stared at Remus in disbelief.
“I guess,” she said softly, “it’s that I’m not good enough to date a Marauder.”
“Panyin!”
But she ignored him, and Remus sank further into the couch.
*
6 August, 1977
“Remus? REMUS!”
Remus opened his eyes to his mother shaking him.
“Wake up,” Rhea Lupin said. “I’ve been trying to wake you up forever.”
“Right,” Remus said, rubbing his eyes and sitting up. “What’s wrong?”
“Sirius’s head is in the Floo. He wants you to go to James’s house. NOW, he said. He sounded upset.”
Remus did not hesitate - he threw on his clothing, and apparated. Nowadays, anyone being upset at nine o’clock in the morning could not be a good sign.
When Mrs. Potter opened the door, Remus knew for sure that something was wrong.
“Remus, dear,” she said, emphasizing the word “dear.” “You might want to go into the den…”
Remus walked in, and froze.
James was on the couch, with a sobbing Lily next to him. He was holding her and stroking her hair. Sirius was on Lily’s other side, looking grim.
He saw Remus, and walked over.
“Remus… mate, I don’t know how to say this,” he said.
Remus looked back at Lily, and a chill ran down his spine.
“There was an attack at the Lide-Whitleys’,” Sirius was saying.
No…
“Death Eaters… they got all of them, including Panyin.”
“You’re hurting me now.”
Remus covered his face.
*
31 October, 1993
Remus had been on Hogwarts grounds for an hour, and he had not found any sign of Sirius.
He knew he should tell Dumbledore, but he couldn’t figure out how. What if Dumbledore told the Ministry of Magic? Remus didn’t think Dumbledore wanted Sirius to get the Kiss (if they decided to administer it) either, but who knew? And Dumbledore would be so ashamed of him. Besides, how likely was it that Sirius was still able to change into a dog?
“Excuses,” a voice at the back of Remus’s head said. “You know that’s just a fantasy you created so you wouldn’t feel guilty.”
“Remus Lupin?”
Remus turned.
Behind him was a young woman about his height with a heart-shaped face and short pink hair.
“I heard you were teaching here,” she said, “But I couldn’t believe you’d end up doing something so swotty.”
Remus blinked. “I’m sorry?”
The woman laughed. “Let me see if you recognize me like this.”
She squinted, and her face became young, her hair brown.
“Dora Tonks!” Remus said, laughing. “I should have known.”
Dora grinned, and turned her face back to how it had been before. “Just Tonks now, actually. I refuse to be called Dora by anyone other than my parents and close friends.”
“Oh - sorry, Tonks,” Remus said quickly. “Why are you here?”
Tonks’s face turned serious. “Oh, yeah, that. Well, I’m training to be an Auror, and they thought it might be good for me to be here, practice man hunting.”
“An Auror?”
“Yeah, life is full of surprises, right? I never thought I’d work for the Ministry, but if it helps me understand the filth that is my family…”
Remus nodded. “That’s excellent. But why are you here alone? If he sees you…”
“I think he’s run far away from the premises, for one,” Tonks said. “For another, he won’t hurt me.”
Remus frowned. “What makes you say that?”
“A number of things,” Tonks said quickly. “I’m sorry, I’m sure it’s a soft spot for you, all things considered.”
“Yeah, but - you were hurt too,” Remus said. “How’s your Mum?”
Tonks shrugged. “Misses Sirius, but she’s good otherwise, except she and Nanny Black reconciled. I guess that’s good, but I have to hear about how I can ‘redeem the line’ and such.”
Remus stifled a laugh.
“Oh, don’t worry, you can laugh,” Tonks said, grinning and punching his shoulder. “It’s quite amusing. It gets old, though.”
“I’m sure,” Remus said seriously.
There was an awkward silence.
“What time is it?” Tonks asked silently.
Remus checked his watch. “Five minutes to midnight, actually.”
“On All Hallows’ Eve,” Tonks said. “Spooky.”
They walked alongside the forest, and they were nearly at the path to Hogsmeade when Tonks suddenly bent over and picked up a hat.
“Did you drop this?” She asked.
Remus put his wand to it.
The hat had blue and white stripes with a snowman on it.
Where had he seen that hat before?
“Okay, Remus…”
Remus stared.
“Panyin?”
“Who’s Panyin?” Tonks asked.
“Oh - I knew someone named Panyin with a hat like this, is all,” Remus said.
Or was it the same hat? Was it really possible?
“It’s a nice hat,” Tonks said. “I like the snowman. I guess it belongs to a student?”
“Maybe,” Remus said.
But something inside him said there was more.
He looked at Tonks, and suddenly put the hat on her head.
It fit perfectly.
Somehow, he knew Panyin had given him a second chance.
Tonks took off the hat. “It’s warm, but it does belong to someone else…”
“I know, I was just wondering how it looked on you,” Remus said.
“Lame, Moony,” James’s voice rebuked him.
Tonks blinked, and Remus cleared his throat.
“Listen,’ he said. “Sirius is probably far by now, and I have a feeling we won’t be sleeping too soundly tonight… I know a place in Hogsmeade that’s open until two in the morning on All Hallows’, if you’d like to warm up and catch up for a while.”
Tonks smiled. “That would be nice, actually.”
Remus was not sure he would fall in love with Tonks the way he had Panyin, but it couldn’t hurt to try to see what came out of it.
And to carry the risk a little further.
Sorry if you guys caught the rich-text version; I had tried to make it work so I wouldn't have to reformat the entire story (since it's a LONG thing!), but alas, I ought to heed the advice of the wonderful mods. Do not make the same mistake as ABN the Stubborn! ;) And for some reason, it won't let me tag anything but my name?
Author Name: author_by_night
Title: The Hat
Rating: PG
Prompts: Picture of the Whomping Willow, Day of tough choices, supernatural
Ships: Remus/OC, Remus/Tonks
Summary: Before there was Tonks, there was Panyin… and with Panyin came a decision Remus would always regret.
Words: 3, 117
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is the property of JK Rowling - I am merely borrowing her characters. I am in no way affiliated with the publishing, illustrating, or marketing of the books or the movies.
Additionally, I must credit arianablack for Panyin Lide-Whitley and her sister, Banji; she created them, we RP’d them, and they merged themselves into my ficverse with her permission. She has read this fanfic and approved of how I chose to use them.
Final note: I would like to thank angua9 and shiedwolf for their wonderful beta work. Thanks, guys! :D
1 September, 1976
Something like this was not supposed to be happening.
Remus Lupin had never even planned on making friends; it would be a bad idea for them to get too close. What if something ever went wrong? What if he ever hurt someone - or got hurt himself?
But James Potter, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew had grown on him, and Remus had realized how much he needed friends. Needed them. Even when Sirius had made his mistake months earlier, Remus knew he had to forgive and forget, because they were all he had. And Full Moons really were easier with them.
Romance, however, was still not an option. It was a whole other level - it involved trust (trust different than friendship), something Remus lacked, and something Panyin would lack if she ever knew. If her parents knew.
But here he was, staring at Panyin. James had invited Lily and her friends into their compartment - he and Lily had apparently become quite friendly over the summer. Most of Lily’s friends were talking and joking around - except Panyin Lide-Whitley.
Panyin had brought a book, and was thoroughly into it; she did not even appear to hear her twin sister, Banji, call Snape a “greasy-haired mongrel”, and when Lily Evans accidentally kicked Mary North instead of Banji in retaliation, causing Mary to bump into Panyin’s shoulder, Panyin merely looked at them, tucked a strand of her dark hair behind her ear, and carried on with her book.
Remus found something fascinating about someone who could enjoy a book that much. He enjoyed a good book himself, but it was clear Panyin went beyond enjoyment; she seemed to have lost almost full awareness of her surroundings.
Almost at once, Remus realized he had feelings for her.
*
15 November
“Remus?”
Remus turned; Panyin was following Remus, Peter, James and Sirius out of Charms, motioning for Lily and Banji to go on without her.
Peter, Sirius and James raised their eyebrows at Remus. Remus tried not to look back at them.
“Hi,” Remus said.
“Lame, Moony,” James whispered.
“Hi,” Panyin replied. “I wanted to ask you something.”
“We’ll catch you later, Remus,” James said. “Sirius and I have a lot of homework to do.”
“We do our - ow,” Sirius exclaimed as James kicked his shin. “Oh, okay. Bye - nice seeing you, Panyin.”
Peter gave Remus a “that’s our friends for you” look before following them; Remus smiled.
“You know,” Panyin said, “I’m sure James has just gone off to find Lily.”
“Er - yes, that’s it,” Remus lied. The truth was that they had decided Remus was in love with Panyin ever since they caught him watching her eat at the Ravenclaw table. What they didn’t know was that they were right about Remus having feelings for her - but they were wrong about it ever being possible.
“You know, we should take a bet,” Panyin mused. “How long do you give them?”
“Give who?”
“Lily and James, of course,” Panyin added with a laugh. Remus noted that once she got comfortable in a conversation, she was much less shy.
“Six months, and only because they have all the bad stuff to overcome,” Remus said.
Panyin shuddered. “You mean from when she was friends with Snape? Honestly, I’m so glad that’s over, even though I’ve never liked J-”
She stopped, and looked at her shoes.
“It’s okay, I know,” Remus assured her. “They - we’ve been gits.”
“No, no, I shouldn’t-”
“It’s okay, really,” Remus said, giving her a smile.
Panyin exhaled. “I’m sorry, I swear sometimes Banji’s poor sense of tact rubs off on me.”
“Have you seen me on a bad day?” Remus asked.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you unfriendly, no,” Panyin said.
Remus’s heart skipped a beat, and another beat when he noticed Panyin looked embarrassed once again.
She was flirting with him. Involuntarily, but flirting all the same.
Remus had wanted nothing more for the past two months. He had also wanted nothing less.
He could not let it happen. If anything came out of the flirting…
“Anyway, Remus, I wanted to ask you something,” Panyin began.
If he let her too close…
Panyin cleared her throat, and looked at him. “This weekend’s a Hogsmeade weekend, and I was wondering…”
If he gave into his feelings…
Panyin had stopped, and then started to speak again. “I mean, you can say no, I bet you already made arrangements with your friends, but I was hoping-”
In the end, one of them could be hurt…
“-that maybe you would like to come with me?”
But what was life without a little risk?
“I would love to,” Remus said.
Damn.
*
1 February, 1977
It was true love.
Remus loved the way Panyin would bring up references to books she’d read or a song she’d heard at random, occasionally even quoting a line or singing a verse. He loved the way she would re-organize something she thought was out of order, even though it was also a little annoying. He loved how it felt when her hand was on his shoulder, when she leaned against him and laughed at a joke. He loved the way she would talk about her sister, as though she could neither stand her nor live without her. He loved how she would get irritated over the silliest things.
But Remus also knew there was a reality he had to face.
Panyin was already suspicious; she didn’t understand why he was always sick, nor why he avoided the subject. She was stubborn and smart, a combination that told Remus one thing: she was determined to find out, and would find out on her own if she had to.
So Remus told Panyin to meet him outside after dinner. He knew he’d have to show her for her to believe it.
As Remus stood under the sky, a shiver ran down his back that was not entirely due to the cold weather.
How was she going to react? Would she love him anyway? Would she be scared of him? Would she accept him, but then tell Banji, who wouldn’t? Remus knew Banji was protective of her sister - was it to the point where she would forbid her to date a Werewolf?
“Okay, Remus,” Panyin said as she came towards him in the snow, putting on a blue and white striped hat with a snowman on the front. “I’m ready - I hope it’s worth freezing for?” She added this with a wink.
“It’s that important,” Remus said. “I have to show you something. Hold my hand, it’ll be a bumpy walk.”
Panyin gave Remus a puzzled look, and slid her hand into his. “I’m intrigued. Are you sure Banji can’t come? She’s going to quiz me afterwards…”
Remus cringed. “I’d actually rather she didn’t… this is something very private.”
“Is it some sort of prank?” Panyin asked. “That was Lily’s guess.”
Remus had to laugh. “No, it’s not a prank.”
“Good, I think I’m too cold for one,” Panyin said. “Remus… are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Remus said quickly. “It’s just that all the work I’m doing is overwhelming.”
“Yeah, it is,” Panyin said. “I guess it’s worth it, for when you become an Auror, right?”
“I’m probably not going to be an Auror,” Remus told her.
“You’ve told me that before,” Panyin said. “Don’t be so hard on yourself - you can do it. You know every Dark Creature by heart, I’ve seen you and James duel for fun, and you’re smart.”
“I want to do it,” Remus admitted. “More than anything. But I don’t know if I’ll get in. I’m no good at Potions, for one, and they prefer a NEWT in that.”
Panyin stopped in her tracks, and glared at him. “Cut it out - I’m getting sick of hearing you be so hard on yourself about the future. You are going to be an excellent Auror someday.”
“It’s complicated,” Remus said.
“You say that all the time; what’s so complicated about dreaming?”
“That’s what I’m going to explain,” Remus said gently. “Let’s go inside.”
Remus led her towards the Whomping Willow, and Panyin stopped.
“Are we going under that tree?” She asked.
“In a way, yes,” Remus said.
Panyin looked alarmed. “We’ll be killed by those branches.”
“We won’t, I promise,” Remus assured her.
“That’s what Banji said our first year; I almost lost my head, literally,” Panyin said, stepping back. “There is no way I am going there.”
“I have the solution,” Remus said quietly. “You stay there - I’ll show you.”
Panyin hesitated.
“Please, Pan? I need you to do this.”
After a moment, Panyin nodded. “I trust you’re not going to get us mutilated.”
They moved closer, and a branch swept by Panyin; she ducked, and Remus knelt on the ground, motioning for her to do the same.
Remus took a stick out of his pocked, and crawled under the branches.
“What are you doing?” He heard Panyin shriek, and then she stopped, probably ducking again. “You’ll get killed!”
As Remus began to poke the tree, he heard her stand up and make towards him.
“Wait just a moment!” He cried.
Remus poked the hole, and it opened.
“Now you can come,” Remus said quietly.
Panyin made her way towards the hole, staring. “This is mad.”
They walked into the tree, and made their way through the tunnel.
“Banji always used to swear the Willow was a secret passageway,” Panyin said under her breath.
Remus grinned despite himself. “She was right.”
“She - she was.”
They walked a little further, and Remus felt his heart starting to pound.
Maybe they should turn back. Maybe he should tell her nevermind, that the thing he needed to show her was that it was a passageway. He didn’t have to do this, did he?
But she was much too clever to believe it.
They finally reached the door, and Remus hesitated.
“This is going to be a bit of a shock,” he warned her.
He opened the door, to show her the shack, and watched her as she walked in.
Panyin’s eyes fell on the table, which was missing a leg; they traveled to the couch, scratched up, and a then to a book on Animagi. Her eyes finally caught the stairs, also scratched up with a banister that had been chewed on.
“Where are we?” Panyin asked.
“The Shrieking Shack,” Remus replied.
Panyin stared at him. “Are you the only one who knows about the passage to this place?”
“Dumbledore does, and James, Peter and Sirius,” Remus told her. “Let’s sit down.”
As they sat, Remus looked into Panyin’s eyes.
“Panyin…” he began.
Her eyes were so earnest, so loving…
Remus hesitated.
Then he looked up the stairs, the stairs he would be heading up in a week’s time. He looked around the shack again.
This was his reality. And Panyin couldn’t know it; she would never want to be with him, and even if she did… there were too many risks. He could hurt her. Her parents might not like it. Banji might not like it.
Why ruin it for her? Why let her know who he became each month? Why place such a burden on her?
It couldn’t be. Panyin’s reality was a world of dreams and hope, a world where she was unlimited. His was not.
It had been a wonderful couple of months, but he could not do it anymore without telling her, and she could not know. It was better for her not to.
So Remus took a deep breath, and said, with a sinking heart:
“We can’t be together any more.”
Panyin’s face went from confusion to realization and back to confusion.
“It’s not you,” Remus said quickly. “I know that’s what every bloke says, but… it’s not. I have… I have to do some things on my own. There’s things I can’t tell you.”
“You can tell me,” Panyin insisted. “I won’t hold a thing against you.”
“You don’t understand,” Remus said. “I love you, I really do, but I can’t hurt you.”
“You’re hurting me now.”
“I have a life you could never understand,” Remus told her. “There’s things you
really do not need to know. You’re better off not knowing.”
“What do-” Panyin began, but Remus shook his head.
“I can’t explain,” he said, a lump in his throat now. “Don’t make me. Just know that it was the best few months of my life, but this is not a reality for me.”
“What on earth are you talking about, Remus? Are you-”
“I’m sorry,” Remus said.
“If you were really sorry, you would explain,” Panyin snapped.
Remus swallowed. “Please don’t say that.”
For a moment, Panyin just stared at Remus in disbelief.
“I guess,” she said softly, “it’s that I’m not good enough to date a Marauder.”
“Panyin!”
But she ignored him, and Remus sank further into the couch.
*
6 August, 1977
“Remus? REMUS!”
Remus opened his eyes to his mother shaking him.
“Wake up,” Rhea Lupin said. “I’ve been trying to wake you up forever.”
“Right,” Remus said, rubbing his eyes and sitting up. “What’s wrong?”
“Sirius’s head is in the Floo. He wants you to go to James’s house. NOW, he said. He sounded upset.”
Remus did not hesitate - he threw on his clothing, and apparated. Nowadays, anyone being upset at nine o’clock in the morning could not be a good sign.
When Mrs. Potter opened the door, Remus knew for sure that something was wrong.
“Remus, dear,” she said, emphasizing the word “dear.” “You might want to go into the den…”
Remus walked in, and froze.
James was on the couch, with a sobbing Lily next to him. He was holding her and stroking her hair. Sirius was on Lily’s other side, looking grim.
He saw Remus, and walked over.
“Remus… mate, I don’t know how to say this,” he said.
Remus looked back at Lily, and a chill ran down his spine.
“There was an attack at the Lide-Whitleys’,” Sirius was saying.
No…
“Death Eaters… they got all of them, including Panyin.”
“You’re hurting me now.”
Remus covered his face.
*
31 October, 1993
Remus had been on Hogwarts grounds for an hour, and he had not found any sign of Sirius.
He knew he should tell Dumbledore, but he couldn’t figure out how. What if Dumbledore told the Ministry of Magic? Remus didn’t think Dumbledore wanted Sirius to get the Kiss (if they decided to administer it) either, but who knew? And Dumbledore would be so ashamed of him. Besides, how likely was it that Sirius was still able to change into a dog?
“Excuses,” a voice at the back of Remus’s head said. “You know that’s just a fantasy you created so you wouldn’t feel guilty.”
“Remus Lupin?”
Remus turned.
Behind him was a young woman about his height with a heart-shaped face and short pink hair.
“I heard you were teaching here,” she said, “But I couldn’t believe you’d end up doing something so swotty.”
Remus blinked. “I’m sorry?”
The woman laughed. “Let me see if you recognize me like this.”
She squinted, and her face became young, her hair brown.
“Dora Tonks!” Remus said, laughing. “I should have known.”
Dora grinned, and turned her face back to how it had been before. “Just Tonks now, actually. I refuse to be called Dora by anyone other than my parents and close friends.”
“Oh - sorry, Tonks,” Remus said quickly. “Why are you here?”
Tonks’s face turned serious. “Oh, yeah, that. Well, I’m training to be an Auror, and they thought it might be good for me to be here, practice man hunting.”
“An Auror?”
“Yeah, life is full of surprises, right? I never thought I’d work for the Ministry, but if it helps me understand the filth that is my family…”
Remus nodded. “That’s excellent. But why are you here alone? If he sees you…”
“I think he’s run far away from the premises, for one,” Tonks said. “For another, he won’t hurt me.”
Remus frowned. “What makes you say that?”
“A number of things,” Tonks said quickly. “I’m sorry, I’m sure it’s a soft spot for you, all things considered.”
“Yeah, but - you were hurt too,” Remus said. “How’s your Mum?”
Tonks shrugged. “Misses Sirius, but she’s good otherwise, except she and Nanny Black reconciled. I guess that’s good, but I have to hear about how I can ‘redeem the line’ and such.”
Remus stifled a laugh.
“Oh, don’t worry, you can laugh,” Tonks said, grinning and punching his shoulder. “It’s quite amusing. It gets old, though.”
“I’m sure,” Remus said seriously.
There was an awkward silence.
“What time is it?” Tonks asked silently.
Remus checked his watch. “Five minutes to midnight, actually.”
“On All Hallows’ Eve,” Tonks said. “Spooky.”
They walked alongside the forest, and they were nearly at the path to Hogsmeade when Tonks suddenly bent over and picked up a hat.
“Did you drop this?” She asked.
Remus put his wand to it.
The hat had blue and white stripes with a snowman on it.
Where had he seen that hat before?
“Okay, Remus…”
Remus stared.
“Panyin?”
“Who’s Panyin?” Tonks asked.
“Oh - I knew someone named Panyin with a hat like this, is all,” Remus said.
Or was it the same hat? Was it really possible?
“It’s a nice hat,” Tonks said. “I like the snowman. I guess it belongs to a student?”
“Maybe,” Remus said.
But something inside him said there was more.
He looked at Tonks, and suddenly put the hat on her head.
It fit perfectly.
Somehow, he knew Panyin had given him a second chance.
Tonks took off the hat. “It’s warm, but it does belong to someone else…”
“I know, I was just wondering how it looked on you,” Remus said.
“Lame, Moony,” James’s voice rebuked him.
Tonks blinked, and Remus cleared his throat.
“Listen,’ he said. “Sirius is probably far by now, and I have a feeling we won’t be sleeping too soundly tonight… I know a place in Hogsmeade that’s open until two in the morning on All Hallows’, if you’d like to warm up and catch up for a while.”
Tonks smiled. “That would be nice, actually.”
Remus was not sure he would fall in love with Tonks the way he had Panyin, but it couldn’t hurt to try to see what came out of it.
And to carry the risk a little further.
Sorry if you guys caught the rich-text version; I had tried to make it work so I wouldn't have to reformat the entire story (since it's a LONG thing!), but alas, I ought to heed the advice of the wonderful mods. Do not make the same mistake as ABN the Stubborn! ;) And for some reason, it won't let me tag anything but my name?