Reaction
Title: Reaction
Author: shimotsuki
Rating & Warnings: PG (reference to offstage violence)
Prompts: Spectrespecs; Molly/Arthur; Apparate; angst
Word Count: 3808 words
Summary: Remus has spent his life learning to hide what he really thinks. What will it take to break through that mask?
Author's Notes: This story is set in the same universe as Subterfuge, my entry for Round 1. It's the last full moon before Remus's birthday in HBP year.
Reaction
The Burrow's kitchen was filled with the scent of magically baking cheese scones. Molly closed the oven door and straightened up, yawning and rubbing her eyes. She flicked her wand absently, sending an orderly parade of dishes and cutlery from the cupboard to the table. Then she delivered rashers of bacon into one hot skillet and slices of tomato into another, adding a cheery sizzle and more lovely smells to the half-lit kitchen.
"Breakfast is almost ready, dear," she called up the stairs. It was a Sunday morning, but poor Arthur had to be at the Ministry early anyway, so she wanted to send him off with something hot and fortifying.
Molly set the tea to steep and took a moment to gaze out the kitchen window. The grey sky had begun to turn to soft pink, and the last sliver of the full moon was just vanishing below the horizon. She wondered, not for the first time since moonrise, how Remus was doing. She hated to think of him transforming along with Greyback's pack each month, but both he and Dumbledore insisted it was necessary, if he wasn't to lose whatever status he'd managed to eke out in the pack hierarchy.
Just then, as though her thoughts had summoned him, Remus himself Apparated into the back garden.
Molly clapped her hand over her mouth to stifle a shriek. He was spectrally thin, as he always seemed to be these days. But he was also covered in blood. After he landed he took a few weak, staggering steps to one side before somehow, miraculously, recovering his balance and pulling himself upright. Molly fumbled with a pair of Wellingtons, peering anxiously outside. Had Remus splinched himself by trying to Apparate right after the transformation? To her great relief, he seemed to be intact, except that he was cradling his right arm awkwardly. But instead of coming up to the door, as any sensible person would do, he was just standing, frozen in place, looking uncertain.
Having managed the boots, Molly flung the door open with a bang. "Remus!" She charged across the snow, her green housecoat flapping behind her. "Oh, my goodness. Let's get you inside." She caught his good arm and pulled it around her shoulders, taking as much of his weight as she could, given the difference in their heights.
"Molly, I'm so sorry to impose on you like this." Remus attempted to give her the smile he always used when circumstances forced him to ask for a favour - the smile that said, I'll be perfectly fine if you say no, so don't mind me. Except that this time, as Molly tried to guide him up the path to the house, his breath caught, and his eyes went dark with pain, which rather ruined the attempt at nonchalance.
He swallowed and tried again. "I don't have my wand with me on this mission, so I'm afraid I'll need help with a few first-aid spells. And, erm..." He turned red, and had trouble meeting Molly's eyes. (The man was embarrassed? He was bleeding, for heaven's sake - barely able to keep from falling over - and he had energy to spare for being ashamed?) "...maybe a place to stay tonight? Is there any way..."
"Of course! Don't be silly. This house is nothing but empty rooms now, and you're practically family. You're always welcome here." Frankly, Molly was itching for a chance to look after Remus for a few days. But as they inched across the back garden, his hand gripped her shoulder as if it were a lifeline, and she stole sideways glances at him, wondering.
Arthur was in the kitchen starting on his breakfast when Molly pushed the door open and helped Remus inside. He dropped his fork and stood up at once. "Merlin's beard, Remus," he breathed. "What happened?"
"A miscalculation." Remus let his eyes close and took a shuddering breath. His grip on Molly's shoulder relaxed. "Warm in here," he murmured. "Smells nice." A faint smile stole over his face.
"I'll get some breakfast for you in a minute," said Molly, "but first let's get you cleaned up." She pulled off the Wellingtons. "Arthur, help me get him upstairs."
But they couldn't fit three abreast on the stairway, and the injured arm made things more complicated. In the end, ignoring Molly's fussing and hovering, Arthur slung Remus's good arm around his own shoulders and half-carried him up to Bill's old room, where he had stayed at Christmas. They sat him down on the edge of the bed. And then Molly realized, to her horror, that she and Arthur were smeared with quite a lot of blood where he had leaned against them. It was nothing that a quick Scourgify couldn't handle, but clearly Remus was more seriously injured than she had realized.
She sent Arthur downstairs to finish his breakfast and get ready for work, and turned back to Remus, biting her lip. "It looks like you're hurt pretty badly. I think we ought to take you to St. Mungo's."
"No." His voice was getting weaker, but Remus was adamant. "The pack has to think I'm off hiding in the woods somewhere. Word might get back if I turned up at St. Mungo's." He sighed, and looked embarrassed again. "A few first-aid spells really ought to do it. If I'd had my wand, I wouldn't have had to trouble you at all."
By now, Molly had helped him remove his muddy cloak and bloodstained shirt, and she frowned at the deep gashes across his stomach and back. It was no wonder he drew a sharp breath every time he moved. "That's going to need more than a few first-aid spells. I can stop the bleeding -" and she did, with a few quick incantations - "but I can't heal wounds that deep." She thought for a moment. "I'll go and Floo Albus or Minerva, and see if Hogwarts can spare Madam Pomfrey for a little while."
Remus protested, but Molly simply shushed him and went to use the Floo. In no time at all, she was escorting Poppy Pomfrey up to Bill's room. Then she bustled about, fetching great stacks of towels and a cauldron full of hot water, unabashedly keeping both ears open to hear what the Hogwarts matron was saying. Madam Pomfrey was never one to mince words, but Molly had long suspected that her brusque manner was just a cover for the deep concern she felt for her charges. Especially this one, over whom she'd kept watch for seven years' worth of full moons without the Wolfsbane potion.
"Oh, for heaven's sake, Remus. I've never seen this before." Madam Pomfrey ran her wand over his wounds, cleaning them and instantly healing those that weren't too deep. The deeper ones, she covered in soft white bandages. "How on earth did you manage to tear up your back like that?"
"I didn't, Poppy," he said grimly, wincing as she swabbed him liberally with Disinfecting Potion before applying another bandage.
The matron sniffed. "What, were you in a fight?"
"That's a bit of an understatement, actually." He gave her half a smile, but he shivered. "I had five or six werewolves after me last night, and some of them got in a few good swipes before I got away."
Molly, bringing in some of Arthur's pajamas for Remus to wear, stopped short in horror.
Madam Pomfrey was peering at him curiously. "And you remember what happened? Were you back on Wolfsbane this month?"
Remus nodded, grimacing as she carefully felt along his right arm, assessing the damage. "That was the source of the problem, I think, but I can't talk about it - Order business."
The matron clucked disapprovingly. "Well, your arm is fractured in three places, and they aren't clean breaks, either. I can start them mending with a Bonesetting spell, but you'll have to keep a splint on for two or three days."
"I can't wait that long." Remus looked restless, even though the post-transformation exhaustion was clearly setting in, and he was swaying slightly where he sat. "I need to get back tomorrow."
"Absolutely not. Not if you want full use of your wand arm." Madam Pomfrey stared him down until he flushed and rubbed his face with his good hand. "You will stay here for two more days, and rest. I'll come again on Tuesday, and if your arm is healed, I'll remove the splint and you can go back and do whatever it is you're doing out there."
. * . * .
Remus was already more or less himself again, Molly decided the following afternoon, watching from across the kitchen table as he sipped a cup of tea left-handed. True, the old robes of Bill's that he was wearing did hang too loosely on his thin frame, and his broken arm was strapped up and resting in a sling. But the raw emotion of the day before - the shame, and pain, and desperation - all that was gone, now that he was no longer exhausted from a harrowing transformation. His expression had settled into its typical blend of wry humour and mild calm; a friendly mask, behind which his real thoughts were anybody's guess.
Molly really, really wanted to shake him up a little.
She smiled innocently at him and took the plunge. "Since you're here for a couple of days, it's a nice chance for you to catch up with Tonks, don't you think?"
Remus took another sip of tea, regarding Molly cautiously over the brim of his cup. "Tonks is busy, and I won't be here very long. I'm sure it's best not to bother her." But his voice lacked conviction, and in his eyes, a tiny hint of wistful regret had seeped past the mask.
"You know perfectly well she'd be furious if she found out you'd been here and no one told her about it. So I owled her this morning, and asked her to stop by today." Molly tried not to sound too smug. "She's coming straight over when she gets off her shift in Hogsmeade. In fact, she'll probably be here in a few minutes."
Remus stiffened. He fiddled with his teacup, empty now. Molly waved the teapot over to fill it up again.
"You'll stay and visit with us as well," he said finally. It wasn't a question.
Molly shook her head. "No, I imagine the two of you need some time alone to sort things out -"
"Molly. Please." Remus leaned forward and gazed at her earnestly. "Tonks has the idea that she wants us to be...more than friends." He swallowed uncomfortably.
Molly managed, with great effort, not to roll her eyes. This was not exactly new information, and she didn't think Tonks was the only one who actually wanted to be "more than friends."
"I don't want to lead her on, or get her hopes up." Remus sighed. "If you stay, it will keep things lighter."
"We'll see," said Molly.
But actually, Tonks had asked the same thing, in her reply to Molly's owl. I'll come to the Burrow, but you have to stay and chat with us. If you try to leave me alone with Remus, he'll make some excuse and run away, and then I won't be able to see him at all.
A light knock sounded at the kitchen door. Molly insisted on a security question - about Charlie's toy dragon mascot at Hogwarts - but then ushered the young woman warmly inside.
"Wotcher, Remus." Tonks grinned at him, but her expression was uncharacteristically hesitant, even shy. For someone who'd been so, well, flamboyant the year before, it was quite a change. Her gaze found the sling and then returned to his thin, bruised face, drinking in the sight of him. "Are you all right?"
Remus smiled back, and his eyes seemed to lighten a fraction as he looked at her. "I got a little banged up, but I should be fine by tomorrow."
"What happened? Molly said you were attacked?"
"Well, I'm afraid things didn't go exactly according to plan at the last full moon." He grimaced. "I've been trying to work out the organization of the pack - who the leaders are after Greyback; who else has authority."
Tonks nodded, listening intently. Looking professional, Molly thought - like the Auror she was.
"So, Moody and Dumbledore and I decided it might be important to compare the hierarchy in the pack when everyone's human with the hierarchy among the wolves at full moon. I went on Wolfsbane this last month, so I'd be able to observe the interactions in the pack after we transformed."
"You what?" Tonks was aghast. "Didn't it occur to you that the others would figure it out?"
"But they didn't," said Remus quickly, "not really. I'm still safe."
"You call what happened to you safe?" Tonks looked like she wanted to shake him, and Molly was rather in accord with that sentiment herself.
"My cover is safe, and that's what matters." Remus held his hand up to head off another tirade. "I've put too much into this mission to give up on it now." His jaw was set. "Anyway, it was the wolves who knew something was different, after we had all transformed - I suppose I wasn't acting very wolflike, even though I thought I'd be able to manage it. A half dozen of them challenged me right away. I think they were probably wolves I'd, er, come to outrank, over the months." He flushed and looked down at his hand, curled around his teacup. "They probably noticed I was less aggressive, or something, and they seized their opportunity." He raised his head again, but avoided Tonks's eyes this time, looking only at Molly. "I didn't want to fight six wolves, so I ran for it. I was able to stay away from them for most of the night, but toward morning, they had me cornered at the foot of a cliff. Things were just starting to get ugly when the moon set." He shuddered. "That distracted them, of course. So as soon as I had finished transforming, I Apparated back to the spot where I sleep to get my clothes, and then I came here."
"That was a mad thing to do!" Tonks looked furious now. "Apparating right after moonset, not just once, but twice? You could have left bits of yourself all up and down the countryside."
"It was the only way to salvage the mission. If they'd finished transforming and seen me, obviously having come out the worst in a fight, I would have lost whatever respect I've managed to gain in the pack in human form." He smiled slightly. "This way, by the time they knew what they were looking at, I wasn't there any more. They won't remember who they were chasing, or how badly I was hurt. I may have to endure some disdain when I go back after 'hiding away' for a few days, but it shouldn't make too much difference to my status overall."
"Well, at least you're all right now." Tonks rubbed at her temples tiredly. "I'm sorry. It's just that I worry about you."
Molly brought a plate of biscuits over to the table, letting her hand rest on Tonks's shoulder for an instant as she passed by.
"I worry about you too, you know," said Remus quietly, eyeing the stubbornly brown hair.
After that, an awkward silence descended. Tonks was staring at the chocolate biscuit in her hand, and Remus was gazing out the window. Molly couldn't remember these two ever having trouble finding something to talk about before.
"Oh," said Tonks suddenly. "I've brought you something." The corner of her mouth quirked, and she fished around in her bulging satchel. "Here - I found these in a back issue of the Quibbler."
Molly blinked. Tonks was holding out a pair of Spectrespecs.
Remus looked just as surprised as Molly felt, but Tonks nudged his arm with the large, round paper spectacles. "Go on, take them and have a laugh." She smiled again, managing a ghost of the mischievous grin she always used to wear. "You've got a birthday in a couple of weeks. I thought these would make an excellent birthday present for the man who has, you know, nothing."
Remus chuckled, a sound that Molly was absolutely delighted to hear. He took the Spectrespecs and tried them on, looking around the kitchen. "Molly, you're all purple," he announced. He turned back toward the window, and laughed again. "The sunlight makes swirls! It looks exactly like a rock-concert poster from my school days."
Tonks was watching him hungrily, reveling in the sound of his laughter and grinning in return. "What about me? What do I look like?"
He turned toward her and froze. His smile vanished as though someone had wiped it away.
"What?" Distracted, Tonks went to set down her teacup, but she caught it on the edge of the saucer and nearly overturned it.
Remus pasted a smile back on his face, but he took the Spectrespecs off, and Molly could see that this time the smile didn't reach his eyes. "You look like someone who's nearly spilt her tea." He handed the Spectrespecs to Molly. "Here, have a go."
Feeling a little childish, Molly balanced the paper spectacles on her nose. She started with the sunny kitchen window - just as Remus had said, it made yellow and orange and purple swirls, every bit as psychedelic as an old album cover. Remus was bathed in a shimmery mix of greens and browns. And Tonks -
Oh, dear.
Tonks was pink.
Her wan face and limp brown hair were overlaid with spirals of luminous, pulsating, bubble-gum pink. It was a cruel parody of the way she used to be.
Molly forced a laugh. She took the Spectrespecs off and handed them over to Tonks. "They make me dizzy," she lied. "Your turn, dear."
Tonks put them on and looked all around the kitchen, bouncing a little in her chair as she described colors and shapes. Remus seemed pensive, and his inscrutable mask was back. But his eyes never left Tonks's face.
Promises or no promises, Molly decided, it was time to leave the two of them alone.
. * . * .
Molly slipped into the front room and looked around for something that needed doing. Soon, with a well-aimed Aguamenti, she was busy watering the jungle of houseplants clustered around the windows. She smiled to herself at the sound of voices rising and falling on the other side of the kitchen door. Those two really just needed a chance to work things out together.
But her smile faded as the voices quickly took on a sharper tone. At one point, Tonks was loud enough to be heard through the closed door. "But I don't care. How many times do I have to say it?" Then there were more quiet, intense murmurings.
And then, distressingly, silence.
The door opened, and Remus limped through. His face might as well have been carved from stone, or maybe ice.
"I need to rest," he told Molly quietly, and began to pull himself up the stairs, leaning heavily on the banister.
Molly stared after him for a moment, but then she turned and went back into the kitchen, where she found Tonks sitting at the table with her face buried in her arms.
"Are you all right, dear?" Molly sat down and put a hand on the younger woman's shoulder.
Tonks lifted her head. She was very pale, and her eyes looked haunted. "I shouldn't have come. It was a mistake."
"I don't think so -"
"No, it was." Tonks blinked hard. "I've lost him, Molly. He was sitting right there, but he was a million miles away." She dragged the back of her hand across her eyes. "He's never been like that with me before. I've seen how he hides behind that wall of his, but he never used to hide from me."
She took a deep, shaky breath.
"He told me - last summer he told me I had to forget about loving him, but we'd always be best mates. That's not what I wanted, but it was better than nothing." She shook her head. "Now I don't think he even wants that any more. No matter what I said or did today, I couldn't reach him." She dropped her face down onto her arms again. "He's shut himself up, and he's shut me out."
. * . * .
Molly clumped deliberately up the stairs. She'd had about enough of this nonsense.
The door to Bill's room was standing open. Remus was not, in fact, resting; he was standing by the window, staring out at the spot in the back garden where Tonks had just vanished into the gradually darkening afternoon.
"Remus," said Molly sternly from the threshold, "I need to talk to you."
"Not now, Molly." His voice was broken, but obstinate.
"Yes, now." Her exasperation boiled over. "Remus John Lupin, do you have any idea what it does to that young woman when you -"
"I know."
He slowly turned to face her, and her tirade died on her lips.
The mask was gone.
His face was chalk-white. He was clutching the Spectrespecs to his chest, so tightly they had crumpled. And his eyes...
Molly's heart turned over. She had thought his eyes had held pain and shame in the aftermath of the full moon, but that was nothing compared to what she saw there now.
"She's so terribly unhappy." His voice was shot through with aching sorrow and hopeless desolation. "I thought by now she'd be better, but it goes on and on... You saw her through the Spectrespecs, didn't you? That's what she should look like, not this pale, sad shadow." He shook his head helplessly. "And it's all my fault - I've been weak and selfish, trying to cling to the friendship we used to have, because I couldn't bear to lose her altogether. But I need to let her go. Every time I see her, I just make things worse."
"There's an easy way to make things better," Molly countered, more softly.
Remus sat down suddenly on the edge of Bill's bed, covering his face with his good hand. "I want to give in to her, Molly. More than I've ever wanted anything in my life. But I can't." He shuddered. "I can't."
Molly frowned. Life would never be easy for Remus, but it was ridiculous for him to make things worse by denying himself the support, and love, that Tonks wanted to give him. Still, there was no question he was hurting himself just as badly as he was hurting Tonks. She stood for a moment and looked at him sitting there - trembling, desperate, alone.
Then she went to him, and wrapped him in her arms, rocking him gently like the son he almost was.
. * fin * .
Author: shimotsuki
Rating & Warnings: PG (reference to offstage violence)
Prompts: Spectrespecs; Molly/Arthur; Apparate; angst
Word Count: 3808 words
Summary: Remus has spent his life learning to hide what he really thinks. What will it take to break through that mask?
Author's Notes: This story is set in the same universe as Subterfuge, my entry for Round 1. It's the last full moon before Remus's birthday in HBP year.
Reaction
The Burrow's kitchen was filled with the scent of magically baking cheese scones. Molly closed the oven door and straightened up, yawning and rubbing her eyes. She flicked her wand absently, sending an orderly parade of dishes and cutlery from the cupboard to the table. Then she delivered rashers of bacon into one hot skillet and slices of tomato into another, adding a cheery sizzle and more lovely smells to the half-lit kitchen.
"Breakfast is almost ready, dear," she called up the stairs. It was a Sunday morning, but poor Arthur had to be at the Ministry early anyway, so she wanted to send him off with something hot and fortifying.
Molly set the tea to steep and took a moment to gaze out the kitchen window. The grey sky had begun to turn to soft pink, and the last sliver of the full moon was just vanishing below the horizon. She wondered, not for the first time since moonrise, how Remus was doing. She hated to think of him transforming along with Greyback's pack each month, but both he and Dumbledore insisted it was necessary, if he wasn't to lose whatever status he'd managed to eke out in the pack hierarchy.
Just then, as though her thoughts had summoned him, Remus himself Apparated into the back garden.
Molly clapped her hand over her mouth to stifle a shriek. He was spectrally thin, as he always seemed to be these days. But he was also covered in blood. After he landed he took a few weak, staggering steps to one side before somehow, miraculously, recovering his balance and pulling himself upright. Molly fumbled with a pair of Wellingtons, peering anxiously outside. Had Remus splinched himself by trying to Apparate right after the transformation? To her great relief, he seemed to be intact, except that he was cradling his right arm awkwardly. But instead of coming up to the door, as any sensible person would do, he was just standing, frozen in place, looking uncertain.
Having managed the boots, Molly flung the door open with a bang. "Remus!" She charged across the snow, her green housecoat flapping behind her. "Oh, my goodness. Let's get you inside." She caught his good arm and pulled it around her shoulders, taking as much of his weight as she could, given the difference in their heights.
"Molly, I'm so sorry to impose on you like this." Remus attempted to give her the smile he always used when circumstances forced him to ask for a favour - the smile that said, I'll be perfectly fine if you say no, so don't mind me. Except that this time, as Molly tried to guide him up the path to the house, his breath caught, and his eyes went dark with pain, which rather ruined the attempt at nonchalance.
He swallowed and tried again. "I don't have my wand with me on this mission, so I'm afraid I'll need help with a few first-aid spells. And, erm..." He turned red, and had trouble meeting Molly's eyes. (The man was embarrassed? He was bleeding, for heaven's sake - barely able to keep from falling over - and he had energy to spare for being ashamed?) "...maybe a place to stay tonight? Is there any way..."
"Of course! Don't be silly. This house is nothing but empty rooms now, and you're practically family. You're always welcome here." Frankly, Molly was itching for a chance to look after Remus for a few days. But as they inched across the back garden, his hand gripped her shoulder as if it were a lifeline, and she stole sideways glances at him, wondering.
Arthur was in the kitchen starting on his breakfast when Molly pushed the door open and helped Remus inside. He dropped his fork and stood up at once. "Merlin's beard, Remus," he breathed. "What happened?"
"A miscalculation." Remus let his eyes close and took a shuddering breath. His grip on Molly's shoulder relaxed. "Warm in here," he murmured. "Smells nice." A faint smile stole over his face.
"I'll get some breakfast for you in a minute," said Molly, "but first let's get you cleaned up." She pulled off the Wellingtons. "Arthur, help me get him upstairs."
But they couldn't fit three abreast on the stairway, and the injured arm made things more complicated. In the end, ignoring Molly's fussing and hovering, Arthur slung Remus's good arm around his own shoulders and half-carried him up to Bill's old room, where he had stayed at Christmas. They sat him down on the edge of the bed. And then Molly realized, to her horror, that she and Arthur were smeared with quite a lot of blood where he had leaned against them. It was nothing that a quick Scourgify couldn't handle, but clearly Remus was more seriously injured than she had realized.
She sent Arthur downstairs to finish his breakfast and get ready for work, and turned back to Remus, biting her lip. "It looks like you're hurt pretty badly. I think we ought to take you to St. Mungo's."
"No." His voice was getting weaker, but Remus was adamant. "The pack has to think I'm off hiding in the woods somewhere. Word might get back if I turned up at St. Mungo's." He sighed, and looked embarrassed again. "A few first-aid spells really ought to do it. If I'd had my wand, I wouldn't have had to trouble you at all."
By now, Molly had helped him remove his muddy cloak and bloodstained shirt, and she frowned at the deep gashes across his stomach and back. It was no wonder he drew a sharp breath every time he moved. "That's going to need more than a few first-aid spells. I can stop the bleeding -" and she did, with a few quick incantations - "but I can't heal wounds that deep." She thought for a moment. "I'll go and Floo Albus or Minerva, and see if Hogwarts can spare Madam Pomfrey for a little while."
Remus protested, but Molly simply shushed him and went to use the Floo. In no time at all, she was escorting Poppy Pomfrey up to Bill's room. Then she bustled about, fetching great stacks of towels and a cauldron full of hot water, unabashedly keeping both ears open to hear what the Hogwarts matron was saying. Madam Pomfrey was never one to mince words, but Molly had long suspected that her brusque manner was just a cover for the deep concern she felt for her charges. Especially this one, over whom she'd kept watch for seven years' worth of full moons without the Wolfsbane potion.
"Oh, for heaven's sake, Remus. I've never seen this before." Madam Pomfrey ran her wand over his wounds, cleaning them and instantly healing those that weren't too deep. The deeper ones, she covered in soft white bandages. "How on earth did you manage to tear up your back like that?"
"I didn't, Poppy," he said grimly, wincing as she swabbed him liberally with Disinfecting Potion before applying another bandage.
The matron sniffed. "What, were you in a fight?"
"That's a bit of an understatement, actually." He gave her half a smile, but he shivered. "I had five or six werewolves after me last night, and some of them got in a few good swipes before I got away."
Molly, bringing in some of Arthur's pajamas for Remus to wear, stopped short in horror.
Madam Pomfrey was peering at him curiously. "And you remember what happened? Were you back on Wolfsbane this month?"
Remus nodded, grimacing as she carefully felt along his right arm, assessing the damage. "That was the source of the problem, I think, but I can't talk about it - Order business."
The matron clucked disapprovingly. "Well, your arm is fractured in three places, and they aren't clean breaks, either. I can start them mending with a Bonesetting spell, but you'll have to keep a splint on for two or three days."
"I can't wait that long." Remus looked restless, even though the post-transformation exhaustion was clearly setting in, and he was swaying slightly where he sat. "I need to get back tomorrow."
"Absolutely not. Not if you want full use of your wand arm." Madam Pomfrey stared him down until he flushed and rubbed his face with his good hand. "You will stay here for two more days, and rest. I'll come again on Tuesday, and if your arm is healed, I'll remove the splint and you can go back and do whatever it is you're doing out there."
. * . * .
Remus was already more or less himself again, Molly decided the following afternoon, watching from across the kitchen table as he sipped a cup of tea left-handed. True, the old robes of Bill's that he was wearing did hang too loosely on his thin frame, and his broken arm was strapped up and resting in a sling. But the raw emotion of the day before - the shame, and pain, and desperation - all that was gone, now that he was no longer exhausted from a harrowing transformation. His expression had settled into its typical blend of wry humour and mild calm; a friendly mask, behind which his real thoughts were anybody's guess.
Molly really, really wanted to shake him up a little.
She smiled innocently at him and took the plunge. "Since you're here for a couple of days, it's a nice chance for you to catch up with Tonks, don't you think?"
Remus took another sip of tea, regarding Molly cautiously over the brim of his cup. "Tonks is busy, and I won't be here very long. I'm sure it's best not to bother her." But his voice lacked conviction, and in his eyes, a tiny hint of wistful regret had seeped past the mask.
"You know perfectly well she'd be furious if she found out you'd been here and no one told her about it. So I owled her this morning, and asked her to stop by today." Molly tried not to sound too smug. "She's coming straight over when she gets off her shift in Hogsmeade. In fact, she'll probably be here in a few minutes."
Remus stiffened. He fiddled with his teacup, empty now. Molly waved the teapot over to fill it up again.
"You'll stay and visit with us as well," he said finally. It wasn't a question.
Molly shook her head. "No, I imagine the two of you need some time alone to sort things out -"
"Molly. Please." Remus leaned forward and gazed at her earnestly. "Tonks has the idea that she wants us to be...more than friends." He swallowed uncomfortably.
Molly managed, with great effort, not to roll her eyes. This was not exactly new information, and she didn't think Tonks was the only one who actually wanted to be "more than friends."
"I don't want to lead her on, or get her hopes up." Remus sighed. "If you stay, it will keep things lighter."
"We'll see," said Molly.
But actually, Tonks had asked the same thing, in her reply to Molly's owl. I'll come to the Burrow, but you have to stay and chat with us. If you try to leave me alone with Remus, he'll make some excuse and run away, and then I won't be able to see him at all.
A light knock sounded at the kitchen door. Molly insisted on a security question - about Charlie's toy dragon mascot at Hogwarts - but then ushered the young woman warmly inside.
"Wotcher, Remus." Tonks grinned at him, but her expression was uncharacteristically hesitant, even shy. For someone who'd been so, well, flamboyant the year before, it was quite a change. Her gaze found the sling and then returned to his thin, bruised face, drinking in the sight of him. "Are you all right?"
Remus smiled back, and his eyes seemed to lighten a fraction as he looked at her. "I got a little banged up, but I should be fine by tomorrow."
"What happened? Molly said you were attacked?"
"Well, I'm afraid things didn't go exactly according to plan at the last full moon." He grimaced. "I've been trying to work out the organization of the pack - who the leaders are after Greyback; who else has authority."
Tonks nodded, listening intently. Looking professional, Molly thought - like the Auror she was.
"So, Moody and Dumbledore and I decided it might be important to compare the hierarchy in the pack when everyone's human with the hierarchy among the wolves at full moon. I went on Wolfsbane this last month, so I'd be able to observe the interactions in the pack after we transformed."
"You what?" Tonks was aghast. "Didn't it occur to you that the others would figure it out?"
"But they didn't," said Remus quickly, "not really. I'm still safe."
"You call what happened to you safe?" Tonks looked like she wanted to shake him, and Molly was rather in accord with that sentiment herself.
"My cover is safe, and that's what matters." Remus held his hand up to head off another tirade. "I've put too much into this mission to give up on it now." His jaw was set. "Anyway, it was the wolves who knew something was different, after we had all transformed - I suppose I wasn't acting very wolflike, even though I thought I'd be able to manage it. A half dozen of them challenged me right away. I think they were probably wolves I'd, er, come to outrank, over the months." He flushed and looked down at his hand, curled around his teacup. "They probably noticed I was less aggressive, or something, and they seized their opportunity." He raised his head again, but avoided Tonks's eyes this time, looking only at Molly. "I didn't want to fight six wolves, so I ran for it. I was able to stay away from them for most of the night, but toward morning, they had me cornered at the foot of a cliff. Things were just starting to get ugly when the moon set." He shuddered. "That distracted them, of course. So as soon as I had finished transforming, I Apparated back to the spot where I sleep to get my clothes, and then I came here."
"That was a mad thing to do!" Tonks looked furious now. "Apparating right after moonset, not just once, but twice? You could have left bits of yourself all up and down the countryside."
"It was the only way to salvage the mission. If they'd finished transforming and seen me, obviously having come out the worst in a fight, I would have lost whatever respect I've managed to gain in the pack in human form." He smiled slightly. "This way, by the time they knew what they were looking at, I wasn't there any more. They won't remember who they were chasing, or how badly I was hurt. I may have to endure some disdain when I go back after 'hiding away' for a few days, but it shouldn't make too much difference to my status overall."
"Well, at least you're all right now." Tonks rubbed at her temples tiredly. "I'm sorry. It's just that I worry about you."
Molly brought a plate of biscuits over to the table, letting her hand rest on Tonks's shoulder for an instant as she passed by.
"I worry about you too, you know," said Remus quietly, eyeing the stubbornly brown hair.
After that, an awkward silence descended. Tonks was staring at the chocolate biscuit in her hand, and Remus was gazing out the window. Molly couldn't remember these two ever having trouble finding something to talk about before.
"Oh," said Tonks suddenly. "I've brought you something." The corner of her mouth quirked, and she fished around in her bulging satchel. "Here - I found these in a back issue of the Quibbler."
Molly blinked. Tonks was holding out a pair of Spectrespecs.
Remus looked just as surprised as Molly felt, but Tonks nudged his arm with the large, round paper spectacles. "Go on, take them and have a laugh." She smiled again, managing a ghost of the mischievous grin she always used to wear. "You've got a birthday in a couple of weeks. I thought these would make an excellent birthday present for the man who has, you know, nothing."
Remus chuckled, a sound that Molly was absolutely delighted to hear. He took the Spectrespecs and tried them on, looking around the kitchen. "Molly, you're all purple," he announced. He turned back toward the window, and laughed again. "The sunlight makes swirls! It looks exactly like a rock-concert poster from my school days."
Tonks was watching him hungrily, reveling in the sound of his laughter and grinning in return. "What about me? What do I look like?"
He turned toward her and froze. His smile vanished as though someone had wiped it away.
"What?" Distracted, Tonks went to set down her teacup, but she caught it on the edge of the saucer and nearly overturned it.
Remus pasted a smile back on his face, but he took the Spectrespecs off, and Molly could see that this time the smile didn't reach his eyes. "You look like someone who's nearly spilt her tea." He handed the Spectrespecs to Molly. "Here, have a go."
Feeling a little childish, Molly balanced the paper spectacles on her nose. She started with the sunny kitchen window - just as Remus had said, it made yellow and orange and purple swirls, every bit as psychedelic as an old album cover. Remus was bathed in a shimmery mix of greens and browns. And Tonks -
Oh, dear.
Tonks was pink.
Her wan face and limp brown hair were overlaid with spirals of luminous, pulsating, bubble-gum pink. It was a cruel parody of the way she used to be.
Molly forced a laugh. She took the Spectrespecs off and handed them over to Tonks. "They make me dizzy," she lied. "Your turn, dear."
Tonks put them on and looked all around the kitchen, bouncing a little in her chair as she described colors and shapes. Remus seemed pensive, and his inscrutable mask was back. But his eyes never left Tonks's face.
Promises or no promises, Molly decided, it was time to leave the two of them alone.
. * . * .
Molly slipped into the front room and looked around for something that needed doing. Soon, with a well-aimed Aguamenti, she was busy watering the jungle of houseplants clustered around the windows. She smiled to herself at the sound of voices rising and falling on the other side of the kitchen door. Those two really just needed a chance to work things out together.
But her smile faded as the voices quickly took on a sharper tone. At one point, Tonks was loud enough to be heard through the closed door. "But I don't care. How many times do I have to say it?" Then there were more quiet, intense murmurings.
And then, distressingly, silence.
The door opened, and Remus limped through. His face might as well have been carved from stone, or maybe ice.
"I need to rest," he told Molly quietly, and began to pull himself up the stairs, leaning heavily on the banister.
Molly stared after him for a moment, but then she turned and went back into the kitchen, where she found Tonks sitting at the table with her face buried in her arms.
"Are you all right, dear?" Molly sat down and put a hand on the younger woman's shoulder.
Tonks lifted her head. She was very pale, and her eyes looked haunted. "I shouldn't have come. It was a mistake."
"I don't think so -"
"No, it was." Tonks blinked hard. "I've lost him, Molly. He was sitting right there, but he was a million miles away." She dragged the back of her hand across her eyes. "He's never been like that with me before. I've seen how he hides behind that wall of his, but he never used to hide from me."
She took a deep, shaky breath.
"He told me - last summer he told me I had to forget about loving him, but we'd always be best mates. That's not what I wanted, but it was better than nothing." She shook her head. "Now I don't think he even wants that any more. No matter what I said or did today, I couldn't reach him." She dropped her face down onto her arms again. "He's shut himself up, and he's shut me out."
. * . * .
Molly clumped deliberately up the stairs. She'd had about enough of this nonsense.
The door to Bill's room was standing open. Remus was not, in fact, resting; he was standing by the window, staring out at the spot in the back garden where Tonks had just vanished into the gradually darkening afternoon.
"Remus," said Molly sternly from the threshold, "I need to talk to you."
"Not now, Molly." His voice was broken, but obstinate.
"Yes, now." Her exasperation boiled over. "Remus John Lupin, do you have any idea what it does to that young woman when you -"
"I know."
He slowly turned to face her, and her tirade died on her lips.
The mask was gone.
His face was chalk-white. He was clutching the Spectrespecs to his chest, so tightly they had crumpled. And his eyes...
Molly's heart turned over. She had thought his eyes had held pain and shame in the aftermath of the full moon, but that was nothing compared to what she saw there now.
"She's so terribly unhappy." His voice was shot through with aching sorrow and hopeless desolation. "I thought by now she'd be better, but it goes on and on... You saw her through the Spectrespecs, didn't you? That's what she should look like, not this pale, sad shadow." He shook his head helplessly. "And it's all my fault - I've been weak and selfish, trying to cling to the friendship we used to have, because I couldn't bear to lose her altogether. But I need to let her go. Every time I see her, I just make things worse."
"There's an easy way to make things better," Molly countered, more softly.
Remus sat down suddenly on the edge of Bill's bed, covering his face with his good hand. "I want to give in to her, Molly. More than I've ever wanted anything in my life. But I can't." He shuddered. "I can't."
Molly frowned. Life would never be easy for Remus, but it was ridiculous for him to make things worse by denying himself the support, and love, that Tonks wanted to give him. Still, there was no question he was hurting himself just as badly as he was hurting Tonks. She stood for a moment and looked at him sitting there - trembling, desperate, alone.
Then she went to him, and wrapped him in her arms, rocking him gently like the son he almost was.
. * fin * .