::sigh::
Today is friday, the 30th of April. Kelly came home last night. I miss her so dearly. I enjoy every time i get to see her. I was totally not feeling like wanting to do anything. Even going to see her. But i forced myself too because i couldn't just not go see her. I felt so good to be myself again. I was totally happy and content last night. But as for today, when i went to see her. I didn't see her too much, but that was enough for me. I love seeing her. after i left, a sudden swell of saddness came over me. I just miss her soo much and I want her back, but i know she won't because she needs a change. I got home around 1:30 or so and it's almost 3. I cried for an hour straight, not counting the time it took me to drive back home from seeing her this morning. Everyone tells me that it'll get better, but as for right now, everytime i see her, i feel like kissing her. I know i shouldn't, but I felt that all this morning. Even before we were going out, i really wanted to. I'm afraid something bad is gonna happen. I just have a feeling. Like the world is gonna end or something, or something will happen to me to where i won't be able to see my friends anymore and enjoy the life i feel i would leave behind because of this big event. I'm totally confused. I love and care for kelly so much, but i just can't seem to shake these blues. I feel as if I'm not going to be as happy as i was with her. I could be just a stupid kid too. I feel that if i find someone else, she might want to get back together, but i won't and i feel as though i would lose her. I dont' want to lose her at all. I want to keep her, but she wants change. I respect her that if she wants something, she can have it. But, I just cry and i miss her and i want her back soo badly that it hurts me deep down. I won't tell her this because she's gonna worry. If she reads this, then she will worry and i don't want her to worry about me. I'm just a big lump that takes up space. she needs not forget about me, but not to worry about me as much.
Another thing that bugs me is the way my mom is. She keeps telling me that if my parents get divorced, that she's not gonna have anything. I can't do anything about it. If i was able to help out, i would. But i can't. I'm getting a college education so i can actually go make a living on my own. She never did that. She won't even. I think she should go to school and take night classes and get a better job somewhere else. She says she's too old, but if she wants to live and have money, then she has to work for it. She's become dependant on everybody. I'm afraid I'm gonna fall into that trap because i feel since she thinks she's going down, that she's gonna drag me with her. That's why i'm gonna move to alaska and so i'll miss everyone dearly, I won't have to put up with this hard shit anymore.
i dunno. this life confuses me. it's stupid
Another thing that bugs me is the way my mom is. She keeps telling me that if my parents get divorced, that she's not gonna have anything. I can't do anything about it. If i was able to help out, i would. But i can't. I'm getting a college education so i can actually go make a living on my own. She never did that. She won't even. I think she should go to school and take night classes and get a better job somewhere else. She says she's too old, but if she wants to live and have money, then she has to work for it. She's become dependant on everybody. I'm afraid I'm gonna fall into that trap because i feel since she thinks she's going down, that she's gonna drag me with her. That's why i'm gonna move to alaska and so i'll miss everyone dearly, I won't have to put up with this hard shit anymore.
i dunno. this life confuses me. it's stupid