Come on now...
I just don't get it anymore. When I go away to school, i think it'll be easier for me to be able to go out and party. but since i still live at home, everyone is away at school, and for instance now, when i want to just talk to somebody, there's nobody to be found. I seriously don't know why i bother anymore. I'm just gonna quit and face the facts. Maybe get another job so my friends can live the lives they would like to live so i won't be a bother. I just feel i'm always in the way. Like at work, i tend to butt into convos that don't concern me. I don't mean to do it, but i just feel left out. outcasted as you will. So i dunno. I quit going online. I quit talking on my cell phone. I'm just gonna keep both of these things off because i really don't need them if I'm not gonna use them for what i should use them for. There's no point to try to get people's attention to talk to you. Everybody's changing, i recognize that, but I feel that i've only changed a little and everyone is having fun while i'm just stuck here as a loser and don't have anyone to hang out with. I work with high schoolers who hang out with one another and i don't see why i should hang out with them because they don't really like me much. My friends whom i've grown have their own lives and i feel sometimes they just pity me to hang out or talk to me when i call them. So I just feel lonely and depressed right now and when i need somebody, there's nobody. By the time this is read tomorrow, i'll feel differently as i feel now. So don't bother even asking. Right now, i just feel as if i've been forgotten and left outside. I might as well just go move to the woods. At least maybe the squirrels will somewhat talk to me. But for now, if you try to get a hold of me. HA! Fat chance in hell that'll happen.
So, all in all, i feel left out in the cold sort of say. Since Kelly broke up with me, I've felt just out on my own, with nothing to do, no one to talk to. I feel as though I'm nothing in anybody else's eyes. I really don't know where to go because if i go somewhere, then i'm gonna lose everybody that i care about. I know i would. I don't wnat to lose anybody, but they have their own lives and I have my own. Maybe i'll move to a part of Illinois that has a small town and i'll move into the big old spooky house and i'll be the old guy that everybody says that's "old man so n so" and I'll set traps all over my house and live alone with my trusty dog spike, have no wife, have no kids, and just torture curious trespassers who tend to venture on my property. But seriously now, why can't time just go fast? I'm wiggin out here. Everyone's away, but they'll come home soon. It's last weekends so they'd go out and party and when i try to reach them to talk, i can't talk to them because they are probably having fun while i'm stuck here, at home, doing nothing but typing this p.o.s. and it's worthless, but with the hype of everything, i just use it for shits and giggles. BUT SERIOUSLY, I wish i just had friends like in high school. But it's college. things change. i hate change so much. I hate how my life is going right now. It's just dull and boring. Everyone else is having fun, I guess i'm no fun anymore. I don't know how to act fun anymore. I don't get it. People suck and so does life. I should die now and not have to worry about it. Who would care? No one i know. Maybe some old guy in Arizona might right a letter saying that something happened, but that's it. But hey, at least it's someone, and i could consider them a friend, but i wouldn't know. SPeaking of friends, where are they? doing what they do best now in college, drinking. I wish i could do that but i have to drive everywhere. it's like high school all over again, cept without my friends whom i've grown accustomed with. Everyone's changing, maybe change is for the good, maybe it's for the bad, but change happens and i can't control it, but i just wish it would stop and at least be on my side for today at least. So life sucks, sucks a lot. I hope my friends have a fun future ahead of them. If they see me on the street asking for a quarter, please give it to me. I'll need it. One last thing before i go. Work today was just f-ed up. Three of us who had someone we cared about and were dating for a long time were all dumped. One day right after the other. Seriously, we all felt like shit, but i tried to make everybody laugh because i'd rather laugh than cry, i mean who wouldn't? But when they just talk to themselves becaus ei'm not a high schooler anymore and have their little cliques at work, and i'm the college guy who needs to just fuck everything and move on and stop pussy footing around with hoping my ex will come back. I mean, i felt so happy, and now i feel i've been put out in the rain, with nothing to cover myself, and the temperature is dropping fast. I feel i've been left on the side of the road, muddy ditch water gets splashed onto me as a passing car goes by and i can't help but take it. Very slowly, it's eating me out from the inside. If i just turn into a pile of nothing, don't blame yourselves, don't feel sorry for what has happened. One of my best friends doesn't talk to me. Another has his g/f who he spends every waking moment with and when i call to talk to him, she's always over and i get dissed for her. I mean, seriously now. She can spend the night with him and I feel i've been put on the side for when he comes home. My other best friend has shit on her mind, and doesnt' have time to work out or anything but she's able to go out and party and just sit around and do nothing. I want to go out and party. I want to go have fun with other people i don't know and get drunk and make a fool of myself because i do that easily sober by just standing there having people look at me. Life sucks, then you die. Life sucks, but when will i die? My hearts broken. Has been all week. It's slowly spreading like cancer to the rest of my body. I've even lost my hair. I don't feel good about myself sometimes anymore. My confidence is starting to drop, I become annoying, I'm just not happy with this life anymore. Can't i be a butterfly and burn things? They wouldn't throw a butterfly in jail. I'd find a hole and fly through it. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I try to surround myself with people who are happy and when i leave, i just don't feel happiness anymore. I wish i could call people, but i'd be interrupting their "time." I sound selfish so i'll shut up now. I'm not talking anymore. So, goodbye and goodnight
So, all in all, i feel left out in the cold sort of say. Since Kelly broke up with me, I've felt just out on my own, with nothing to do, no one to talk to. I feel as though I'm nothing in anybody else's eyes. I really don't know where to go because if i go somewhere, then i'm gonna lose everybody that i care about. I know i would. I don't wnat to lose anybody, but they have their own lives and I have my own. Maybe i'll move to a part of Illinois that has a small town and i'll move into the big old spooky house and i'll be the old guy that everybody says that's "old man so n so" and I'll set traps all over my house and live alone with my trusty dog spike, have no wife, have no kids, and just torture curious trespassers who tend to venture on my property. But seriously now, why can't time just go fast? I'm wiggin out here. Everyone's away, but they'll come home soon. It's last weekends so they'd go out and party and when i try to reach them to talk, i can't talk to them because they are probably having fun while i'm stuck here, at home, doing nothing but typing this p.o.s. and it's worthless, but with the hype of everything, i just use it for shits and giggles. BUT SERIOUSLY, I wish i just had friends like in high school. But it's college. things change. i hate change so much. I hate how my life is going right now. It's just dull and boring. Everyone else is having fun, I guess i'm no fun anymore. I don't know how to act fun anymore. I don't get it. People suck and so does life. I should die now and not have to worry about it. Who would care? No one i know. Maybe some old guy in Arizona might right a letter saying that something happened, but that's it. But hey, at least it's someone, and i could consider them a friend, but i wouldn't know. SPeaking of friends, where are they? doing what they do best now in college, drinking. I wish i could do that but i have to drive everywhere. it's like high school all over again, cept without my friends whom i've grown accustomed with. Everyone's changing, maybe change is for the good, maybe it's for the bad, but change happens and i can't control it, but i just wish it would stop and at least be on my side for today at least. So life sucks, sucks a lot. I hope my friends have a fun future ahead of them. If they see me on the street asking for a quarter, please give it to me. I'll need it. One last thing before i go. Work today was just f-ed up. Three of us who had someone we cared about and were dating for a long time were all dumped. One day right after the other. Seriously, we all felt like shit, but i tried to make everybody laugh because i'd rather laugh than cry, i mean who wouldn't? But when they just talk to themselves becaus ei'm not a high schooler anymore and have their little cliques at work, and i'm the college guy who needs to just fuck everything and move on and stop pussy footing around with hoping my ex will come back. I mean, i felt so happy, and now i feel i've been put out in the rain, with nothing to cover myself, and the temperature is dropping fast. I feel i've been left on the side of the road, muddy ditch water gets splashed onto me as a passing car goes by and i can't help but take it. Very slowly, it's eating me out from the inside. If i just turn into a pile of nothing, don't blame yourselves, don't feel sorry for what has happened. One of my best friends doesn't talk to me. Another has his g/f who he spends every waking moment with and when i call to talk to him, she's always over and i get dissed for her. I mean, seriously now. She can spend the night with him and I feel i've been put on the side for when he comes home. My other best friend has shit on her mind, and doesnt' have time to work out or anything but she's able to go out and party and just sit around and do nothing. I want to go out and party. I want to go have fun with other people i don't know and get drunk and make a fool of myself because i do that easily sober by just standing there having people look at me. Life sucks, then you die. Life sucks, but when will i die? My hearts broken. Has been all week. It's slowly spreading like cancer to the rest of my body. I've even lost my hair. I don't feel good about myself sometimes anymore. My confidence is starting to drop, I become annoying, I'm just not happy with this life anymore. Can't i be a butterfly and burn things? They wouldn't throw a butterfly in jail. I'd find a hole and fly through it. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I try to surround myself with people who are happy and when i leave, i just don't feel happiness anymore. I wish i could call people, but i'd be interrupting their "time." I sound selfish so i'll shut up now. I'm not talking anymore. So, goodbye and goodnight