more matthew
maybe it won't work. he's coming. here. to see ME. that's an awful long way to go for someone. he's quitting his job of ten years. he's leaving his friends and his family. he's saying goodbye to his home. all that, and willingly, for me.
i didn't ask him to. i was pretty freaked out by it actually. but i got over that and for a while i was rather looking forward to his arrival. but now i'm stressed out again.
i want to be with him, and things were good when we were together, but i am trying so hard to make them different this time. i say that i want our relationship to get even better, but is it too much? am i subconsiously trying to break it?
i told him i don't want to have sex with him. yikes, i know. i loved sleeping with him! and after two months of NO physical affection i am starting to get a bit frazzled. and yet i'm still sticking to it -no sex (again) until i'm married. am i out of my mind? i just don't want a relationship that is based on sex. but ours isn't, and never was.
wow, i'm NOT making sense.
i like it when on a first date the guy DOESN'T try to kiss me.
but matt and i have already had our first date and first kiss and first time. i was living with him for heaven's sake! and now, when we are discussing moving to a new city together, i hint at us finding two different apartments, and he says he is not coming all this way to live with flatmates. he even agreed to the no sex, but he still wants to sleep in the same bed with me. i can't do that though. i'm not strong enough to curl up next to him, but not be intimate. so what will we do? he says not to worry about it, that we will sort things out when he gets here. i'm afraid he is hoping that when i see him i will change my mind and we will settle into a routine that was similar to our previous one. but it won't be. it can't be. and i won't change my mind -once i make it up for sure. i want to sleep with him again, SO BAD! but that is my body speaking, my mind says WAIT.
i don't think i can do this. why can't i do anything important???
i didn't ask him to. i was pretty freaked out by it actually. but i got over that and for a while i was rather looking forward to his arrival. but now i'm stressed out again.
i want to be with him, and things were good when we were together, but i am trying so hard to make them different this time. i say that i want our relationship to get even better, but is it too much? am i subconsiously trying to break it?
i told him i don't want to have sex with him. yikes, i know. i loved sleeping with him! and after two months of NO physical affection i am starting to get a bit frazzled. and yet i'm still sticking to it -no sex (again) until i'm married. am i out of my mind? i just don't want a relationship that is based on sex. but ours isn't, and never was.
wow, i'm NOT making sense.
i like it when on a first date the guy DOESN'T try to kiss me.
but matt and i have already had our first date and first kiss and first time. i was living with him for heaven's sake! and now, when we are discussing moving to a new city together, i hint at us finding two different apartments, and he says he is not coming all this way to live with flatmates. he even agreed to the no sex, but he still wants to sleep in the same bed with me. i can't do that though. i'm not strong enough to curl up next to him, but not be intimate. so what will we do? he says not to worry about it, that we will sort things out when he gets here. i'm afraid he is hoping that when i see him i will change my mind and we will settle into a routine that was similar to our previous one. but it won't be. it can't be. and i won't change my mind -once i make it up for sure. i want to sleep with him again, SO BAD! but that is my body speaking, my mind says WAIT.
i don't think i can do this. why can't i do anything important???