As the call, So the echo
Last night I was dreaming about my Beautiful Banga. I don't recall details, but it always makes me happy when he makes an appearance in my dreams, or thoughts. So when I woke up I iMessaged him, saying he was in my dream, and also telling him I saw Milky Chance and they were GREAT!
He messaged back promptly and told me he'd dreamt about me two nights ago. Funny.
Then he asked if I wanted to Skype. It was 9am and I was still sitting in bed, but there was no way I was passing up that suggestion. I gave my hair and teeth a quick brush, then we proceeded to have a two hour Skype date!!!
Gods, he's beautiful.
It was late Saturday night for him, he'd just gotten home after having paella and drinks with his soccer mates, he was a little drunk, and extremely cute.
We talked, openly, and face-to-face (face-to-screen?) for the first time in years. It was amazing. His court case finally closed and he said everything that could've gone his way, did. He's been unemployed for the last 9 months and just enjoying life. He's been working out, playing soccer, eating well, playing in a band, just broke up with his girlfriend and is really stoked about being single. He looks amazing. Healthy and happy and..... just, Nick.
He told me he felt like he had to give up five years of his life for that court case, and that he hasn't felt like himself in so long, but that finally he does again. He said he's finally happy. The girl he just broke up with was Jo - who he began seeing in 2011 while I was still in Perth. They've been a bit on again off again, but he sounded incredibly relieved that it was finally over. Although she still lives there and is friends with all his friends, and apparently is still his best friend.
He's in the last stages of purchasing a factory, a dream he's had for years. Apparently the paperwork should be finished this week and then it will be official - I'm the only person he's told! He's 29 years old, and the fact that he consistently succeeds in accomplishing whatever he sets out to do, it blows my mind, and it such a massive inspiration. I think he's an incredible human, and I'm so lucky to know him. He also has somebody lined up to lease the factory for 6 months, which is perfect because he wants to travel before starting up his business.
He's going to start his own business! Finally!! And he wants to do it his way, of course. Which I absolutely know he will do. He's going to be incredible, and his work is going to be ridiculously successful.
He also promised that he'd come visit me. Promised. "And you know I rarely make promises.." because he always keeps them. He wants to hug Jade, and meet my friends and family. I CAN'T FREAKING WAIT TO SEE HIM AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!
A couple months ago I sent him a wooden box I found in Cuba, and inside I put a dinosaur fossil I found in Drumheller, as well as round pink opal stone. He's been carrying the opal in his wallet since it arrived, and even showed me his wallet with the lump beginning to wear a mark in the leather! Opal is our birthstone, and it seemed appropriate. I'm so glad he's carrying it around - I've carried stones with me for years.
I told him a bit about my life, but I really enjoyed hearing more about his.
And we talked a little about US. About why we haven't had a proper conversation in years. About the distance we imposed, and yet how we still feel so damn connected. Yet again he openly kicked himself for not being more enthusiastic when I originally told him I was getting my Australian visa and coming to be with him. I'd barely been keeping it together for awhile, and as he talked about that I quietly started to cry. "I wanted you, Nick. You were all I wanted. At that point there was nothing in my life except waiting for the moment when I could be with you again." He was all I ever wanted. And I was all he wanted. Yet we still managed to over think our way out of being together.
Six and a half years we've known each other now. We met in Lisbon, Portugal just days after my 30th birthday, 2008. Those were magical, sunny, glorious, intensely profound days. We reminisced over those first moments, mostly laughing. In fact, we laughed and smiled pretty much throughout our entire 2 hour conversation. His smile is perfect, and it made me deleriously happy to see it again.
He asked about the monkey he gave me, and I had no idea what he was talking about! Which is totally shocking to me, because I generally have a pretty decent memory, and I'm highly sentimental about moments and objects when they're attached to certain people. But a monkey...? He gave me a stuffed monkey the last time I saw him, in Sydney, when I'd flown out there to say good bye in person. He said he gave it to me because I'd told him that all the important people in my life had given me a monkey. Once he reminded me of it, I remembered, but I still don't know where that monkey is, and it's making me crazy! I absolutely can't believe I completely shut it out of my mind. I thought maybe I gave it to Louella, but I texted Jaimee and she said I haven't given Lou a monkey. Did I leave it in Freo? Or Thailand? Maybe I couldn't bring it home with me, so frought with emotion, since I was returning to Mike.
(WHY THE HELL DID I RETURN TO MIKE?!?!)
I need to find that monkey. Or remember what I did with it. What was I thinking?! Nick seemed crushed that I didn't remember it. "That was one of the hardest nights of my life.." Brutal.
And before we ended our spontaneous and glorious Skype date, I began crying again. "This is why we don't do this, Nick. Because I still want you." And I do. Deep down, my spirit cries out for his. I can't explain the connection I feel with him. And for the first time in a very long time, I begain imaginging my days with him, our life together, the travels, the house with lemon and walnut trees, sitting across from him in coffee shops before wandering home together, hand in hand. Friends and family and daily domesticity, the factory, my own business venture, work and life and conversations.....
I almost got angry, because yet again the timing is rotten. (Or is it?) Because Marcus. My beautiful, kind, loving, funny, amazing Marcus. Marcus who makes me want to be a better person. Who makes me want to strive for more. Who brings light and joy and fun into my life. Who agreed to go to Buenos Aires with me for my birthday, because I saw that there were really good flight deals on, and so we spontaneously just went ahead and purchased flights. We have the money, we have the desire, we can sort out details later!
Because what if Nick and I had had that Skype conversation five months ago? What if we'd seen each other's faces, each other's smiles, what if we'd had that conversation, and felt all those old feelings stirring up again, what if he was free and I was free and we could finally find a way to be together??
But I guess five months ago he was still entangled with Jo, and now I'm pleasantly entangled with Marcus, and the timing just is what it is. Maybe it's been right all along. Or maybe we were just young and foolish.
I suppose that either way I'm still incredibly glad and grateful to have had the romance we did, and to still share the connection that we share.
I told him I love him, and he replied he loves me too.
Wow, what an intensely beautiful morning!
And of course I've spent the afternoon thinking about him, about us, about the choices we made 4.5 years ago.. And I did some perusing of my journal - originally looking for any clues about the monkey, but of course then reading utterly inane entries about Maclean in the process. WHAT WAS I THINKING?? Reading that stuff now, it seems totally insane. I sounded totally insane.
Upwards and onwards?? I'm so incredibly glad I'm not with Mike any more. I'm so much happier. Although if I have to look for a silver lining, I think I'm a better person, more open, more grounded, more communicative.
Speaking of which, Nick told me today, that after he and I originally discovered how big of communication gaps we'd had, he vowed to be a better communicator, to always be honest, to always speak his mind, and he's been true to that. "You changed my life.."
How I love that man. And how I wish I could have more of him in my life.
And I wonder how different our lives would be, if we'd been together all this time.
Life, such a beautiful, strange, confusing, glorious ride.
"AS THE CALL
SO THE ECHO"
"So The Echo" is the title of Brandon Boyd's third art book. Nick brought it up, and said he'd looked up where the title came from, found that quote, and loves it. It's poignant, and pertinent, and much more eloquent than, "You reap what you sow" or any of those other old adages. I also love it, and I love that it struck such a chord in him. And I love the imagery, because what you call out is the only thing that can echo back to you.