That time of year again.
It’s September again.
Last September Mike moved out. I met Gabe. I found out the Rose was sticking around. My life entirely changed.
It’s been a year since Mike moved out. He and I have been done for a year. It sounds like a long time, but it doesn’t feel long at all. Maybe because of the timing, I’ve been dreaming about Mike, and it’s not good. I dreamt that I had to get him to sign divorce papers, and it was awful. I woke up completely emotionally drained and very unhappy.
He and I haven’t really been in touch. I don’t know how he’s doing or what he’s doing. And I guess I try not to think about it, because when I do, I realize it’s been an entire year, and that while he may not be dating anyone yet, he definitely has hooked up with other girls. And the thought crushes my heart into a horrible, mushy pulp. Ugh. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been with plenty of other men, and I have zero claim to him any more, and I most definitely don’t want to think about him being with other women… But occasionally the thought pops unbidden into my mind, and the idea of him saying the things he used to say to me, doing the things he used to do to me, feeling the way we felt together, with someone else, it tears me apart.
This sucks.
And it’s weird. Why is this an issue now? I’ve felt good this year, really good, and now it feels like I’m regressing. Like I said, the one year anniversary might have something to do with it. Or the fact that I don’t have any guys on rotation at the moment, and haven’t been excited about anyone in a long time. Or perhaps it’s just the season, and the snowfall, summer ending, and my recent return from an incredible visit to glorious Vancouver.
I’m feeling lonely. And melancholy. I haven’t been sleeping well since I returned to Calgary, and for the first time in a year I’m disliking having my bed to myself. I would give almost anything to have a beautiful, sweet man curled up behind me as I drifted off to sleep every night.
The dating game seems to go in waves, with 3 or 4 or more interesting guys popping up all around the same time, and then slowly fading away until there’s nobody, before a bunch more new, interesting guys turn up. I’m in the downslump right now, without any prospects, and that’s making it even more difficult to keep myself distracted from the inside of my head.
I got a text from Gabe on Tuesday, and it made me smile, in typical Gabe fashion (even though it had been over a month since our last communication..) “Hello Lady McKinnley. Sorry I’ve been a ghost but between Kelowna and Vancouver and work and Montana I’ve been busy as shit. It’s no excuse for not communicating with you so for that I’m sorry. I hope you’re winning at life and looking sexy as ever.” .. Talking to Jade later on she told me that Gabe had a massage booked with her the next day, and my joy at his text was dimmed a little as I realized that it had been partly encouraged by the fact that he was going to see my sister. Sigh. I would like to have one more fun night with Gabe, and then let him gracefully slip out of my life. He was an amazing part of my healing process this year, but his particular services are no longer required.
Jarrod - random campsite guy - is coming down from Edmonton on Sunday to hang out with me. I wish I could say I’m excited about it, but I’m not. I considered telling him not to come, but part of my distaste is purely the blues, and I do think it will be fun hanging out with him, even if it’s not super exciting.
Work is good, but is consuming far too much of my life. I keep thinking I’m going to get some balance back, but that hasn’t happened yet. It was disappointing to find out that I won’t be getting my official manager position or raise until October 1, when it was promised months ago (with retroactive pay to June 13, which now seems unlikely). I’ve put in a LOT of time and effort, I hope it hasn’t gone unnoticed. I love that place. I love the work I do. I love the company. I love learning and growing and progressing. I don’t love that I’m not always the manager I would like to be. I get stressed out and short tempered, and I’m not as understanding or approachable as a good manager should be. It’s a work in progress.
I haven’t focused on my business, or my blog, or my cooking, or any other passions in a long time. Summer was busy, and great, but I’m feeling a little burnt out (in addition to slightly depressed) and I need some time and space to indulge in things that make me feel happy, creative and productive.
Last September Mike moved out. I met Gabe. I found out the Rose was sticking around. My life entirely changed.
It’s been a year since Mike moved out. He and I have been done for a year. It sounds like a long time, but it doesn’t feel long at all. Maybe because of the timing, I’ve been dreaming about Mike, and it’s not good. I dreamt that I had to get him to sign divorce papers, and it was awful. I woke up completely emotionally drained and very unhappy.
He and I haven’t really been in touch. I don’t know how he’s doing or what he’s doing. And I guess I try not to think about it, because when I do, I realize it’s been an entire year, and that while he may not be dating anyone yet, he definitely has hooked up with other girls. And the thought crushes my heart into a horrible, mushy pulp. Ugh. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been with plenty of other men, and I have zero claim to him any more, and I most definitely don’t want to think about him being with other women… But occasionally the thought pops unbidden into my mind, and the idea of him saying the things he used to say to me, doing the things he used to do to me, feeling the way we felt together, with someone else, it tears me apart.
This sucks.
And it’s weird. Why is this an issue now? I’ve felt good this year, really good, and now it feels like I’m regressing. Like I said, the one year anniversary might have something to do with it. Or the fact that I don’t have any guys on rotation at the moment, and haven’t been excited about anyone in a long time. Or perhaps it’s just the season, and the snowfall, summer ending, and my recent return from an incredible visit to glorious Vancouver.
I’m feeling lonely. And melancholy. I haven’t been sleeping well since I returned to Calgary, and for the first time in a year I’m disliking having my bed to myself. I would give almost anything to have a beautiful, sweet man curled up behind me as I drifted off to sleep every night.
The dating game seems to go in waves, with 3 or 4 or more interesting guys popping up all around the same time, and then slowly fading away until there’s nobody, before a bunch more new, interesting guys turn up. I’m in the downslump right now, without any prospects, and that’s making it even more difficult to keep myself distracted from the inside of my head.
I got a text from Gabe on Tuesday, and it made me smile, in typical Gabe fashion (even though it had been over a month since our last communication..) “Hello Lady McKinnley. Sorry I’ve been a ghost but between Kelowna and Vancouver and work and Montana I’ve been busy as shit. It’s no excuse for not communicating with you so for that I’m sorry. I hope you’re winning at life and looking sexy as ever.” .. Talking to Jade later on she told me that Gabe had a massage booked with her the next day, and my joy at his text was dimmed a little as I realized that it had been partly encouraged by the fact that he was going to see my sister. Sigh. I would like to have one more fun night with Gabe, and then let him gracefully slip out of my life. He was an amazing part of my healing process this year, but his particular services are no longer required.
Jarrod - random campsite guy - is coming down from Edmonton on Sunday to hang out with me. I wish I could say I’m excited about it, but I’m not. I considered telling him not to come, but part of my distaste is purely the blues, and I do think it will be fun hanging out with him, even if it’s not super exciting.
Work is good, but is consuming far too much of my life. I keep thinking I’m going to get some balance back, but that hasn’t happened yet. It was disappointing to find out that I won’t be getting my official manager position or raise until October 1, when it was promised months ago (with retroactive pay to June 13, which now seems unlikely). I’ve put in a LOT of time and effort, I hope it hasn’t gone unnoticed. I love that place. I love the work I do. I love the company. I love learning and growing and progressing. I don’t love that I’m not always the manager I would like to be. I get stressed out and short tempered, and I’m not as understanding or approachable as a good manager should be. It’s a work in progress.
I haven’t focused on my business, or my blog, or my cooking, or any other passions in a long time. Summer was busy, and great, but I’m feeling a little burnt out (in addition to slightly depressed) and I need some time and space to indulge in things that make me feel happy, creative and productive.