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So I zipped out to Squamish for a really quick visit and look around. The property is gorgeous, nestled in the forest on a really cool farm. I definitely see the appeal. But the town itself is small and not much to look at, and I wonder what the heck I'd do there as a city-loving, single gal. I could only spend so much time wandering about the forest, tending the garden and loving the fresh air. It's a romantic idea, but one that I'd be more comfortable making with a partner, I think.
But the visit was awesome. I love seeing Jaimee and her little family. Louella is a hilarious 5 year old. She's come up with a bumper sticker slogan that goes, "Don't eat animals! Even though they taste good.." Ha!
Jaimee and I left the kiddo and hubby at home one night so we could have some time alone together - we always have the best chats! This time our conversation got downright heated though, as we argued opposite points about wanting to do something versus wanting something to be done. For example, doing the dishes, versus wanting the dishes to be done. I like having a tidy kitchen and presentable house. I tend to have people over somewhat frequently, plus it's just more comfortable living in a clean space. But that doesn't mean I particularly like doing dishes, or that I want to be doing them. If I had a housekeeper - or a fairy godmother - that kept things clean and did my dishes for me, I'd be more than happy to never wash another dish in my life. But that's not the reality, and so I wash my own damn dishes.
Jaimee's stance was that since I'm washing the dishes, I must WANT to be washing dishes, otherwise why would I be spending my time and energy washing them? I kept trying to tell her that there's a big difference between wanting to do the dishes and just wanting them to be done. I DO them because I want them done, but that most certainly does not mean that I want to be doing dishes.
We were both pretty adamant that our viewpoint was correct. And then I realized, Jaimee actually DOES want to be doing the dishes when she's doing the washing up. I'd commented to her earlier, before this conversation started, that she always seems really content with where she's at, and with making the most of what she has to work with. So when I thought about that comment in conjunction with our conversation, I realized that she approaches life differently than most of us. She confirmed my thoughts when she told me, "I have so little time to myself, maybe an hour or two a day while Louie is sleeping. During that time I want to make sure that I'm doing things I WANT to be doing. So if I do the dishes during my ME time, I tell myself that that's what I want to be doing right then."
**MIND BLOWN.**
I finally understood where she was coming from. She actually, literally and legitimately WANTS to be doing each and every tedious task during her day. I then had to explain to her that the majority of human-kind doesn't think like that. Not of their own volition anyway. Most people aren't even aware that it's an option to want to do the mundane daily routine. But of course, like any and everything in life, you get to choose your attitude. And what a difference that makes!
It's amazing to me that she has this little conversation in her head, where she decides not only how she's going to spend her time, but how she's going to feel about that time spent. Her life may not be perfect, but it's beautiful and calm and content, and who doesn't want more of those things?
I've talked about that conversation a few times with different people, since then, because it was so enlightening for me. And of course I'm much more aware of my own daily existence, the tasks I need to do to support myself, and I'm trying to consciously choose each action, and choose my attitude to go along with it.
Like yesterday. I finished work earlier than expected, which was a bit frustrating (to only get a 3 hour work day as opposed to 7 hours..) but it was warm and sunny out and I suddenly had an open afternoon. So I came home and did yard work for 2 hours. Now, doing yard work isn't unpleasant, but it can be time-consuming, and since I live in a rental, even though I'm the one that sees the results of my work, it still feels a bit futile at times. Why spend so much time and money taking care of someone else's property? But, I made the conscious choice to tidy up the winter detritus, enjoy the sun, appreciate using my muscles (and the ability to do so), and of course the yards looked much tidier afterwards. I was pleased with how I spent my afternoon, as opposed to begrudging the "wasted" time.
Simple concept, but it can blow your life wide open once you learn how to apply it (for those of us whom it doesn't come naturally, like the amazing Jaimee. Seriously, who's mind just works that way of it's own volition?!)
Here's a funny story. After I'd landed in Vancouver, I was on the train headed into the city, checking my Facebook on my phone - as bored commuters do these days, and saw a message from my friend Annette.
"Hey, Stranger-Friend! Next time you're in Vancouver, you should hook up with Ken. He lives there now. He is just getting out of a serious relationship with a live-in girlfriend. I told him he needed some palette-cleansing sex and then I told him it should be with you. He said, "Sounds great!" PS. DON'T BE MAD THAT I SEEM TO BE PIMPING YOU OUT. PPS. Are you finding this whole message to be (a) Amusing (b) Offensive (c) Intriguing (d) All of the above?"
About a week earlier I was going through my phone and deleting stuff, since my storage space was full. I found an old text thread between Ken-Leigh and myself. You see, Ken-Leigh and Annette have been friends forever and she's been wanting he and I to hook up forever When I moved to Calgary (7 years ago!) Ken-Leigh and I finally met in person. And had a great connection. We went out a couple of times, walked down by the river, had awesome conversations..... And that was it. Never kissed, never even touched. But I was confused, because when we were together he seemed to really enjoy my company, but then I wouldn't hear from him afterwards. After spending a couple of afternoons with him and not getting any interest from him outside of our immediate time together, I just let it - and him - go. He moved to Vancouver a couple of years later, which I must have known because the text thread was me talking to him about coming to Van, and him giving me some random, hilarious diatribe/suggestions about the city. I'd totally forgotten we'd had that conversation, I don't even know how I got his number. But that was years ago, and we never actually saw each other, nor did we message at any other time. I reminisced fondly about Ken-Leigh for a bit after reading that old message thread, then I told myself to not be so sentimental and nostalgic about something that wasn't anything, and I deleted it.
So it was funny that suddenly Annette was trying to throw the two of us together, and even more oddly synchronistic that I was in fact arriving in Vancouver at that exact moment.
I did what anyone would do: I immediately texted Ken-Leigh (not knowing if it was even the right number any more). Too eager? Whatever. He responded pretty quickly, and in a most positive manner. We made plans to go on a little date on Thursday night (I arrived Tuesday night, and was leaving Friday morning, staying in Squamish Tues - Thurs). He then texted me the next day to ask how Squamish was. He commented that Annette must be pretty pleased with herself. Then later on when I said I was stoked to see him he replied, "Me too! I'm probably grinning more than Annette." Amazing. But slightly confusing. But whatever. I had a date lined up with a cute guy that I'd had a minor thing for for years, and he seemed excited to see me. It got even better when he texted: Wow, I've started and restarted this text a dozen times. I guess I'm 15 again..." What text? "I was trying to write something about opening up a book to an unfinished page and then I beat the idea to death with a series of terrible analogies. I'm good like that." It made a few butterflies start flitting around in my stomach.
Annette's comments continued to be: "It's totally fate!!" and "I expect sordid details, by the way. You're two of the sexiest people I know. This ought to be interesting..." Then I divulged: "Damn it, Annette!! Here I was just minding my business, and now I've got all sorts of naughty things going through my head. Sigh." To which she teased: "He's having naughty thoughts too, it's okay. I think he even watched one of your cooking videos..." Ha ha, WHAT?! I have no idea how he would have known about or seen that video. He's not on my Facebook and we haven't been in touch for years, and we only went on two hang outs (can't even call them dates) SIX YEARS AGO! Random. But awesome.
So yeah. Life is funny sometimes, isn't it?
Ken-Leigh and I met up. We didn't make out immediately upon seeing each other, which he promptly kicked himself (verbally, aloud) for. Ha! We went for a walk and a drink (which I spilled all over the table). He told me how he's living in an apartment with no furniture after breaking up with his girlfriend 6 weeks ago. How he just lost his job. And how he used to think he was a serial monogamist, but has realized that he doesn't actually believe in monogamy at all. How he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life any more. How he's hoping to ration his severance package and enjoy a work-free summer, but that he tends to be frivolous with finances. How he's not good at keeping in touch with the important people in his life. And how he hadn't showered in 3 days.
Lol! I suppose it's refreshing to sit across from someone who's not trying to sugarcoat or hide anything, he was truly just being himself. And in spite of all that, I like him. He's challenging, but intriguing. He's smart, and witty - almost intimidatingly so. He's open and interesting to converse with. I think we have stuff in common. And I'm a lot more open to the things we don't have in common. I've learned my lessons!! And he's a Scorpio. *grin* Scorpios are THE BEST.
We ended up back at his house - after I kissed him in the park, and then he proceeded to hold my hand for the duration of our walk. We sat on the carpet of his unfinished living room, in front of the gas fireplace - which was delightful. We made out and talked and made out some more. Our shirts disappeared somewhere, but before we even got that far I told him I wasn't good with unattached sex. And that it was a bad time of the month anyway. He agreed that we'd just see where things went, and that I could call a halt whenever I wanted to. No pressure. Despite the fact that Annette would be really disappointed if we didn't have something hot hot hot to report. Ha!
Part of me wanted to get naked and just let go. But another - louder - part of me really really needed connection. And a good make out session. So I listened to that part. And the make out was GREAT. Like I said... Scorpios... But he did tell me about how he'd been looking at my legs earlier and couldn't stop thinking about wanting to kiss them there, and there, and there.. *groan* There's always next time, right?
In the morning he drove me home on his motorcycle, and it felt great: my arms wrapped around him, the fresh air blowing past, the cherry blossom lined streets all around. Glorious.
We've texted since then. He's really not great at communicating via devices, but it is what it is. He did say he'll likely be in Calgary a couple more times this year. I have no desire to push or rush anything, at all, but I'm really looking forward to seeing him again.
Turbo Gabe is still Gabe-a-licious. Our communication is also sporadic, but when I ask him for things, he responds, which is nice. After the last time I saw him I mentioned that I'd like us to do more together, outside of my big bed. I was a little surprised when he responded that he thought it was a good idea. Hmm. Actually, the last time he and I got together, he came over, we watched Game of Thrones, had a chat and a snuggle, then he went home. He was a little sick and didn't want to give it to me. It was nice to just hang out. He's sick of the rigs and is considering a job offer he got in Calgary. We'd be able to see each other more often....
I really enjoy Gabe. But I'm not sure that he's right for me. I know that getting sexually involved can lead to confusing emotions - that's kind of how Maclean and I got started in the first place. And I do NOT want to make some of those same mistakes again. So I'm trying to take it slow. Keep a bit of distance. Enjoy Gabe for Gabe. But I'm also getting to a place, particularly with summer coming, where I want a partner to DO things with. I'd like to have a constant someone in my life again. Guess I'll see how it all pans out.
Speaking of Maclean, he stopped by this afternoon. It was nice to see him. And one of the most comfortable times we've had together since breaking up. I still wonder if he thinks about me, misses me, misses anything about our life, if he wishes things were different, or if we could ever work... but I didn't ask him about any of it. He's eating really well, working out, playing guitar, taking his masters, studying, saving up for a down payment, drinking infrequently, not touching drugs.... He tells me about the things he's cooking and the fun things he's doing, including a trip to Costa Rica he just booked, by himself, to go surf. I'm so happy he's doing well and taking care of himself, but it's also a tiny bit frustrating that he's doing all these things that we could have done together. That I so desperately wanted to do together! Why couldn't he focus on those priorities while he was with me? I understand part of it, about needing to want to do it himself, and about not wanting to do things that someone else is telling you to do. ("You don't want me to drink? Well I'm a grown man and I'll drink what I want when I want!" Juvenile, but I get it. Nobody likes being told what to do.) It's still heart-breaking. But.... c'est la vie. Live and learn. He doesn't need to come by any more for rent money, as I'll be talking to the landlord this week and setting up direct payments with him now. But I do want to still see him, and we decided that going golfing would be fun.
Upwards and onwards, McKinnley. IT WILL BE BETTER.
I'm house-hunting, and managing to stay focused and positive within a crazy market.
I'm doing lots of non-fiction reading: Victor Frankl, Malcolm Gladwell, Brene Brown..
I'm meditating semi-regularly. I'm setting yoga schedules.
I'm listening to my own wants and needs, and trying to work within being both productive and satisfied.