Distant places are mostly noises.
If I had one wish…
To know what to say.
What a gift.
I write these entries and then I erase.
Not knowing how to say it.
Not even knowing what to say.
My feelings are so up and down all the time.
One minute I want to be so careless. I hate the ties and the connections.
I want to be free and pretend that everyone just doesn't care about me. Or maybe that I don't care about them. I want to care about myself. Put my own personal interests before all others. Spend time concentrating on how to achieve a high through life. I want to erase the predictability of my counterfeit hunger pangs. I don't want to have the usual conversations. I want everything to leave a undeniable mark upon my heart. I don't care if I get hurt or if I lose a piece of me along the way. I just need sensation. Something to pick me up.
Then I want it all. I want to be tied down more than ever. I feel so lonely and I just want to someone else to say it too. I become so humble. I feel so grateful. I hug so much tighter. If I let go I can't promise how I will feel. Yet somehow when I keep holding on there is a sense of permanence in my longing. A desire to feel human. Group my body with everyone else. Lets all push against each other and lose our sense of space. Maybe then my instability will disspear due to the lack of vacancy in my heart. Maybe.
I like these moments.
Alone in my room in the late hours of the night.
In my bed.
Listening to music through my ear phones. No one can hear what I am listening to. My songs are secrets. They leaving me feeling vulnerable and undamaged.
I can be whoever I am.
I can be bitchy with no guilty premises to illuminate the good inside me.
I can be happy with a smile meant for no one.
I can be angry with half moon circles upon my palms.
I can be sad with damp eyelashes.
I can be alive.
Without judgment from some fool.
Without a gawk turned into an intense stare turned into a glare.
I don't write for the writing. I write because my heart and brain threaten to explode simultaneous if I don't.
I don't write to say, "hey look at me I'm articulate." I don't claim talent. I'm writing, but it doesn't make me a writer. The exclusive society can keep its immaculate disasters.
I just want to say who I am, cause I don't know how else to survive.
Can you see the difference? Can you really?
So go ahead put me in a box. Go ahead list the flaws.
Go ahead.
Try and tame me.