isolation diaries 25: stability
25-05
I can't stop touching my phone. It's so enticing, to check out others' lives, check out nonsense, aimlessly refresh and scroll. For some small amount of time, my concentration is totally shifted to the pretty colours of the screen - I don't know how many DPI, but probably more than my unfocused eyes can distinguish.
Someone I know here in Michigan is full on dellusional. I met this person by chance, but he's the only person who lives close by and smokes, so we smoke every now and then, go for walks. It's unsettling to talk to someone who is both rational and smart, and completely insane. He tries to escape his thoughts by doing drugs and acting crazy, and I mostly feel sorry for him - that he has not been able to keep a set of friends to hold him sane. It makes me realise, if I hadn't found the people I did, back in the days of London and Zurich (heck, even Lisbon), I might have become a very different person. It hit me that I owe so much of my sanity and success to my close friends and to my brother. There were some moments that really could have changed everything - but luckily, I had people around me that cared about me. I am super grateful about it.
It makes me think of categories of relationships - you'll have 3 in my framework: those who are draining (negative), energising (positive) and neutral. And the controversial thing I have realised is that it's less situational and more personal. Like, the person itself is draining, energising, or neutral. For example, I never felt drained when helping some of my friend's. For a long time, I didn't understand what people meant about being drained by other's problems, like, maybe I partly lack the empathy to feel bad over someone feeling bad. But I think it was just because I was inherently not drained by these people.
Anyway, so the idea is, 3 categories of people. And you better surround yourself with those who energise you, and minimise those who drain you. It's rare to find people who energise you, though. I haven't found people here in the US. It's nothing that they have to put effort in, by the way, it's hard to explain. I think some people are just energizing others without thinking about it, you know?
It's getting harder and harder to exist with this limited external output. I feel like once I have the opportunity, I will literally lick someone. Yesterday was a chill day - I worked a bit during the afternoon (seriously, fuck me, this paper never ends, I hate it so much), cleaned my place, skyped family and a friend of mine. I called her around 7pm and the sun was still out, the weather was nice and hot, quite humid. We talked and smoked cigarettes through the camera, it felt nice. My life feels more and more moviesque - do you also have this feeling? Like, it's bright and beautiful and warm, and everything feels kinda strange. It's strange to have such feelings through screens. I want to use my phone less, but at the same time, it's my connection to the world. I have been averaging like 4.5 hours a day on my phone. Isn't that fucking insane? There was a time I averaged less than 1 hour. It makes me feel embarassed.
I can't stop touching my phone. It's so enticing, to check out others' lives, check out nonsense, aimlessly refresh and scroll. For some small amount of time, my concentration is totally shifted to the pretty colours of the screen - I don't know how many DPI, but probably more than my unfocused eyes can distinguish.
Someone I know here in Michigan is full on dellusional. I met this person by chance, but he's the only person who lives close by and smokes, so we smoke every now and then, go for walks. It's unsettling to talk to someone who is both rational and smart, and completely insane. He tries to escape his thoughts by doing drugs and acting crazy, and I mostly feel sorry for him - that he has not been able to keep a set of friends to hold him sane. It makes me realise, if I hadn't found the people I did, back in the days of London and Zurich (heck, even Lisbon), I might have become a very different person. It hit me that I owe so much of my sanity and success to my close friends and to my brother. There were some moments that really could have changed everything - but luckily, I had people around me that cared about me. I am super grateful about it.
It makes me think of categories of relationships - you'll have 3 in my framework: those who are draining (negative), energising (positive) and neutral. And the controversial thing I have realised is that it's less situational and more personal. Like, the person itself is draining, energising, or neutral. For example, I never felt drained when helping some of my friend's. For a long time, I didn't understand what people meant about being drained by other's problems, like, maybe I partly lack the empathy to feel bad over someone feeling bad. But I think it was just because I was inherently not drained by these people.
Anyway, so the idea is, 3 categories of people. And you better surround yourself with those who energise you, and minimise those who drain you. It's rare to find people who energise you, though. I haven't found people here in the US. It's nothing that they have to put effort in, by the way, it's hard to explain. I think some people are just energizing others without thinking about it, you know?
It's getting harder and harder to exist with this limited external output. I feel like once I have the opportunity, I will literally lick someone. Yesterday was a chill day - I worked a bit during the afternoon (seriously, fuck me, this paper never ends, I hate it so much), cleaned my place, skyped family and a friend of mine. I called her around 7pm and the sun was still out, the weather was nice and hot, quite humid. We talked and smoked cigarettes through the camera, it felt nice. My life feels more and more moviesque - do you also have this feeling? Like, it's bright and beautiful and warm, and everything feels kinda strange. It's strange to have such feelings through screens. I want to use my phone less, but at the same time, it's my connection to the world. I have been averaging like 4.5 hours a day on my phone. Isn't that fucking insane? There was a time I averaged less than 1 hour. It makes me feel embarassed.