(no subject)
It constantly feels like I am drowning on stuff - that I don't have time to breathe - many people go through this, finishing the PhD, moving away, but somehow I feel like I just fucking can't manage. It makes me feel bad, that I am that much of a shit at being a human. Nobody seems to struggle this much - after defending a PhD people are usually relaxed and chill, and I left the office at 9PM today. Why do I keep just not being able to deliver? It's like I can't feel good about myself for accomplishing anything, because as soon as I tick off one thing from this neverending list, 3 more things pop up, and I realise that time's running out and I am all by myself. Nobody's gonna come over and help out, help me move, help me settle in a new country. I am so absolutely tired of being alive. I'm not suicidal, I just really don't want to exist. I should try to enjoy these last few days but I am too tired, too overwhelmed to appreciate anything.