(no subject)
i am a bit tired. thesis is coming along. Trying to force myself to write things other than maths. The national plays in my head.
“All night I lay on my pillow and pray
For my ADVISOR to stop me in the hallway
Lay my head on his shoulder and say
Son, I've been hearing good things”
Work’s been intense. I want to have fun, whatever that means. The only fun I know is either getting drunk off my face or a hackathon - but surely, there must be healthier, less intense ways to have fun. Resting is for when i am sad - I rest so I can go and have more fun. Every time I start thinking about why I don’t allow myself to just be, I open a box of self criticism - I feel useless and unworthy of being here.
Yesterday, while eating my dinner, between work and some more work, I started watching David Chappelle’s last stand up. He starts saying something about how some rich and famous guy killed himself - contrasting with someone he knows who has a bad life, who never considered suicide.
Sometimes, it’s more the exhaustion of being alive, than sadness per say. Why is it so foreign for most people, when I talk about this? It’s like how sometimes there’s like a sick party happening, but you just happen to feel like leaving early. Why is it only acceptable for us to cling desperately until the party is dying out, the speakers have gone bust, there’s vomit on the floor, drunk people crying around you, and no way the party will get better again? Only then, it’s acceptable to leave.
“All night I lay on my pillow and pray
For my ADVISOR to stop me in the hallway
Lay my head on his shoulder and say
Son, I've been hearing good things”
Work’s been intense. I want to have fun, whatever that means. The only fun I know is either getting drunk off my face or a hackathon - but surely, there must be healthier, less intense ways to have fun. Resting is for when i am sad - I rest so I can go and have more fun. Every time I start thinking about why I don’t allow myself to just be, I open a box of self criticism - I feel useless and unworthy of being here.
Yesterday, while eating my dinner, between work and some more work, I started watching David Chappelle’s last stand up. He starts saying something about how some rich and famous guy killed himself - contrasting with someone he knows who has a bad life, who never considered suicide.
Sometimes, it’s more the exhaustion of being alive, than sadness per say. Why is it so foreign for most people, when I talk about this? It’s like how sometimes there’s like a sick party happening, but you just happen to feel like leaving early. Why is it only acceptable for us to cling desperately until the party is dying out, the speakers have gone bust, there’s vomit on the floor, drunk people crying around you, and no way the party will get better again? Only then, it’s acceptable to leave.