some impressions
Reid told me that I had a resting bitch face for 3 hours straight - but the question is, why were you looking at me? Besides, I always thought I had a friendly, smiling face. Might explain a lot, why people think I am a bit of an arrogant prick when we first meet.
I failed to go see my shrink on Monday. I have an appointment next Friday, the 20th. I am sorta tired of trying to get mentally better, when it seems like it is not going to work. The alternative of not doing anything about it seems also like a bad alternative. Lately, I think a lot about media black out. Stop using my phone, let myself feel bored. Just sit there and think. Ride my bike and think. Stand in line and think.
I think I managed to develop ADHD at the ripe age of 26 - and now it's been almost 2 years that I can't concentrate. Too much netflix and youtube, instagram. I want everything to fuck off - my mind hurts all the time. My eyes hurt, my head hurts, my soul hurts. I can't take care of myself, let alone anybody else.
I have a hard time listening to instructions and paying attention to people. I don't listen. It's true - I don't listen to people because I often think I am better. My ex-ex-ex-ex-whatever-psychiatrist told me already I was heading down a bad path and I ignored it. Now, I really, finally understand depression - how it keeps you in bed and unable to move. Today, I took enough steps to get outside of my house and then enough steps to go back to bed. Couldn't make it down the stairs.
Took a pill of Wellbutrin. 35 minutes and I felt energy to move. Maybe it's not the lack of iron, it's the lack of the will to exist. Honestly, I would be more than ok if I died right now. Well, it's not really my choice to take nor my problem, when I am gone.
But lately, actively prohibiting myself from thinking about killing myself has sorta been working. I don't know. I'm too old to change my brain chemistry without a big trauma. I'm too old to change, too young to die in a non-tragic, non-oh-so-much-wasted-potential way.
I failed to go see my shrink on Monday. I have an appointment next Friday, the 20th. I am sorta tired of trying to get mentally better, when it seems like it is not going to work. The alternative of not doing anything about it seems also like a bad alternative. Lately, I think a lot about media black out. Stop using my phone, let myself feel bored. Just sit there and think. Ride my bike and think. Stand in line and think.
I think I managed to develop ADHD at the ripe age of 26 - and now it's been almost 2 years that I can't concentrate. Too much netflix and youtube, instagram. I want everything to fuck off - my mind hurts all the time. My eyes hurt, my head hurts, my soul hurts. I can't take care of myself, let alone anybody else.
I have a hard time listening to instructions and paying attention to people. I don't listen. It's true - I don't listen to people because I often think I am better. My ex-ex-ex-ex-whatever-psychiatrist told me already I was heading down a bad path and I ignored it. Now, I really, finally understand depression - how it keeps you in bed and unable to move. Today, I took enough steps to get outside of my house and then enough steps to go back to bed. Couldn't make it down the stairs.
Took a pill of Wellbutrin. 35 minutes and I felt energy to move. Maybe it's not the lack of iron, it's the lack of the will to exist. Honestly, I would be more than ok if I died right now. Well, it's not really my choice to take nor my problem, when I am gone.
But lately, actively prohibiting myself from thinking about killing myself has sorta been working. I don't know. I'm too old to change my brain chemistry without a big trauma. I'm too old to change, too young to die in a non-tragic, non-oh-so-much-wasted-potential way.