"Tomorrow You Will See..."
Well, tomorrow's the day. We leave for MN bright and early, or should I say dark and early. The earlier we hit Chicago the better.
I can't believe it's happening. More than just us going our separate ways, I can't believe my parents have really stooped to the level of selfishness that they have reached. More my mother than anyone. I understand their need for money but the fact is they're letting it be an excuse to stop helping. Its the end for now and they're acting like it was all such a hassle. But that's an argument I don't want to go into for the 100th time...
I've tried to stop caring but the fact is I worry if they will pull this kind of thing with someone I've been with for over 3 1/2 years what are they going to do in the future? I realized something very hard today... I need my independence but I can never completely have it. It's just not physically possible. I always hear that I should do more for myself yet I keep ending up in situations where I have to rely on people more than before.
I told Matthew he should do what makes him happy, no matter what it takes. I can't even follow my own advice. I know what I want to do with my life at this point but I can't without my mom's help. And that's the frustraition of it.
I am willing to risk it, I'm willing to put up with my mom's crap to get where I want to go. But I have a lot of fears about the things that are out of my control. I don't want to lose anyone else important to me.
So that's it. Tomorrow is the day. Elise and I are taking him all the way to MN and then back. Long and complicated situation...
I don't regret the way things are between me and him, we're still very good friends and I know he's going to stay my friend. I only want to do anything I can to help him get to where he needs to go. I do however feel guilty for the way things ended with my parents and the living situation. Part of me wishes I hadn't drug him here in the first place and maybe things wouldn't have ended on such a stressful note.
Not only do I not regret the way things are with us, but I don't regret that they've ended either. I'm very happy with how my current relationship is going and I hope that Matthew finds happiness too. Either way, we both needed the time to explore other things and regain independence, or at least as much as we could. I feel I've started to find myself again and I hope he can figure things out for himself as well. There are so many things that I see now about our relationship that I ignored before just because I wanted him to stay with me. I realize now that I was holding him back and probably even holding myself back because of my dependency on him.
I have a lot of hope for the future for both of us.
"Let me keep you from
Experience you need
Let me bind you with my selfishness
And greed
Let me stifle you
Let me have control
Let me smother
Every aspect of your soul"
- Assemblage 23: Let Me Be Your Armour
I can't believe it's happening. More than just us going our separate ways, I can't believe my parents have really stooped to the level of selfishness that they have reached. More my mother than anyone. I understand their need for money but the fact is they're letting it be an excuse to stop helping. Its the end for now and they're acting like it was all such a hassle. But that's an argument I don't want to go into for the 100th time...
I've tried to stop caring but the fact is I worry if they will pull this kind of thing with someone I've been with for over 3 1/2 years what are they going to do in the future? I realized something very hard today... I need my independence but I can never completely have it. It's just not physically possible. I always hear that I should do more for myself yet I keep ending up in situations where I have to rely on people more than before.
I told Matthew he should do what makes him happy, no matter what it takes. I can't even follow my own advice. I know what I want to do with my life at this point but I can't without my mom's help. And that's the frustraition of it.
I am willing to risk it, I'm willing to put up with my mom's crap to get where I want to go. But I have a lot of fears about the things that are out of my control. I don't want to lose anyone else important to me.
So that's it. Tomorrow is the day. Elise and I are taking him all the way to MN and then back. Long and complicated situation...
I don't regret the way things are between me and him, we're still very good friends and I know he's going to stay my friend. I only want to do anything I can to help him get to where he needs to go. I do however feel guilty for the way things ended with my parents and the living situation. Part of me wishes I hadn't drug him here in the first place and maybe things wouldn't have ended on such a stressful note.
Not only do I not regret the way things are with us, but I don't regret that they've ended either. I'm very happy with how my current relationship is going and I hope that Matthew finds happiness too. Either way, we both needed the time to explore other things and regain independence, or at least as much as we could. I feel I've started to find myself again and I hope he can figure things out for himself as well. There are so many things that I see now about our relationship that I ignored before just because I wanted him to stay with me. I realize now that I was holding him back and probably even holding myself back because of my dependency on him.
I have a lot of hope for the future for both of us.
"Let me keep you from
Experience you need
Let me bind you with my selfishness
And greed
Let me stifle you
Let me have control
Let me smother
Every aspect of your soul"
- Assemblage 23: Let Me Be Your Armour