(no subject)
i felt it today...coldness creeping into my heart, the walls going up. those "protective" barriers.....i did something i knew was wrong...but i did it anyways, and it felt soooooooooooooo good...it really did...it'd been WAY too long since last i did it....i'm going out to eat on Friday with my grandparents. We're going to The Capitol Grill....although im thinking i'd love to go to Pearl (lol..tati, in a black dress), or Tropical.....but i'm really glad i'm going out w/ just them, i want my 18th birthday to be special. it is. it means my mom cant even try to control my life anymore, i'm free from my would-be "parents". my dad calls everyday. funny how he's never there when i need him. i told my mom once that i'd never forgive her for not being there that day with my uncle. i dont need to tell my dad...he knows it. that's why we never directly mention him when we talk, even if he does go around spouting everything my uncle says. i cant wait to leave here....all the memories. the thoughts. the environment. Suzy's disappointed in me. i can feel it. she knows i purposely didnt try to get into uf. she knows i did everything in my power to make sure i wasnt accepted, and i wasnt, thank god. my grandfather wants me to stay in state so bad. i dont want to. i want to get as far from here as possible. i think my cousin jessica's going to uf tho...she got in. even better. if i'd gone to uf my uncle'd try to control my life. moreso if i'm there with jessica, so close to him in jacksonville. he already tries to. he's not my parent, thank god, and he's really nothing to me. he's always been the one to say that i'd never make it in life, i was too girly, too pampered, too spoiled, not smart enough, unrealistic, lazy, blah blah blah. ha. he's scared. until now he's always been the most successful of my grandparents kids. now suzy is. and i will be too. he's jealous b/c suzy and i are close to my grandparents like he never has been, and never will be b/c he's let his wife separate him from his family. his fault, not mine. w/e...i dont care....and it's really the farthest thing from my mind, only that suzy was a little disappointed in me. and that's what i dont like. she understands tho. she knows i dont want to stay in florida. she's worried about me, she doesnt need to be. but she is. i didnt eat anything today, but i just wasnt hungry. i've been asleep for the past few hours, since about four. but it's to make up for lack of sleep. sigh. I cant wait to see vanessa again....i really hope alex can still come to the keys....i know it'd be so awesome to have both vanessa and alex there....they're so much alike, and yet so different. like i tried to explain to joanna yesterday, although im doubtful she understood what i was trying to say, they're both so enigmatic in their own ways, and they'd get along, but it's how they get along that i'm curious to see, they're both so special to me and have helped me through some pretty shitty times. vanessa's more than just a best friend, there's not title for her. i remember leaving raggedy ann at her house cuz i got pissed when my grandma washed her. or having vane make the cover for my first J in eighth grade (j's my journal). or watching the exorcist and having her nails permanently embedded in my arms for a week. or how she took me in when my mom forgot to pick me up. calling her at midnight every night and talking for hours. i'm so grateful God sent her into my life. when i first met her, i didnt know she'd have such a profound impact on my life. hell, it took us over a year to actually become friends, and another year after for us to become close friends, and just a few months after to become best friends. it's possible to have more than one best friend, but it cheapens relationships when u try to place them in some sort of order. it also cheapens it when ppl think you can compare it to something else. nothing compares to my friendship w/ vanessa or anyone else really, because each relationship is unique, there's always some minute detail that throws the whole comparison off. sigh. i have to go...i need to make sure i have my room picked up....natalie
ps. i want to thank luis. what you said today meant a lot. it really did. i'm sorry i didnt work w/ u in bio, i thought you were working w/ molly and danny agian, so i told anne and dana that i'd work w/ them...there's always next time....nat
"I cherished hope, it's true, until i saw my person reflected"- mary shelley
ps. i want to thank luis. what you said today meant a lot. it really did. i'm sorry i didnt work w/ u in bio, i thought you were working w/ molly and danny agian, so i told anne and dana that i'd work w/ them...there's always next time....nat
"I cherished hope, it's true, until i saw my person reflected"- mary shelley