Just another summer breakdown.
I understand why I’m the strong one. I need to be strong. But I wait until the day that I no longer need to be the strong one all the time. It’ll never happen and I know that but still I pray for that day. It’s getting to the point that bearing my burdens and the burdens of others is just starting to get to hard. I mean there are some people I don’t mind doing it for, because well things are really bad for them and the need the help. And those people are the ones that have helped me in the past. It’s not that I don’t love the fact that people to turn to me for help but I just wish once that people would see what’s going on with me. Hell even when I slap people in the face with me being almost to the point of being suicidally depressed again they don’t really even see it. There problems are always bigger and more important than me. Which is fine because I’m always known that but it’s starting to get really hard again. Only this time I don’t have the people that were there for me in high school. They have bigger worries and to be honest they aren’t the ones I wish would be there for me because I know they would if I asked but well I’m too stubborn to ask. But I just wish that one of my newer friends would see it and try to help. I’m tried of being the whipping boy even if people don’t mean to make me that.. it’s just what I am. I’m just sick of no one noticing how much pain I’m in. And yes I do hide it but the worse it gets the worse I am at hiding it and still no one believes. My boyfriend sees it some but he doesn’t know how to help. I just want to be able to break down in front of someone and have them actually see that I’m not as strong as most people think. For them to see that and be ok with it. But I can’t do that, that’s how I’ve lost friends before. When I can’t be the strong one I know I’ll lose people. So for now I’m going to stay strong and forget that there can be any other way to live, because for me I know at least right now there really isn’t.