(no subject)
when i remove a sense of blame, from him and from me, and acknowledge the real truth of our incompatability, i feel a kind of peace and warmth toward him.
i realize now the big issue is just being alone, being by myself but not stuffing that lonesomeness with my usual bad habits and instead processing, growing, getting into new constructive habits.
i kept thinking about him, all day today. amazing how much it affects me, how much unresolved feeling there really is still. so much heartache and nostalgia and longing tonight. i wish we had been better when we were together. i wish he was what i remember him to be, a kind of canonized eulogized version of his actual self.
but though i don't miss all of it, i can't stop missing his body, his smile, his warmth. those eyes when he smiled. making him smile all the time.
i realize now the big issue is just being alone, being by myself but not stuffing that lonesomeness with my usual bad habits and instead processing, growing, getting into new constructive habits.
i kept thinking about him, all day today. amazing how much it affects me, how much unresolved feeling there really is still. so much heartache and nostalgia and longing tonight. i wish we had been better when we were together. i wish he was what i remember him to be, a kind of canonized eulogized version of his actual self.
but though i don't miss all of it, i can't stop missing his body, his smile, his warmth. those eyes when he smiled. making him smile all the time.