stuff
gave boz his stuff back today. sitting with him, i trembled. i don't know why he has such power over me, except that i feel understood by him and to lose that is a huge feeling of isolation.
i was thinking on the train tonight that it's hard to love someone who has rejected you. all of the ugly stuff i threw at him, partially to prove my incomprehensibility, feels like my fault. and i had a deep feeling of regret on seeing him happy, and remembering his kindnesses to me. so many of them, the kind of love and doting that i imagined a perfect lover would give, and which also felt hollow somehow because it didn't satisfy.
i relaize now that some of what i wanted from him is what i needed to give myself. and though there are many moments when he was not a good person, perhaps he did his best as much as i did. he certainly doesn't seem riddled with guilt or regret. conversely, he seems happy and fine, and so we sat much in silence and i did my best not to let myself go into his mind, remember how it felt to be loved by him, his face so open and warm, almost like a child when he was, well, with me.
walking through the village together, and allowing for huge gaps in our catching up, the spring cherry blossoms had begun to fall and coat the sidewalk like snow. we went to the park we always did and watched dogs as we always did and he laghed at the butts of the fat ones like he always did. he sat beside me, and i beside him, and i remembered the paired feeling i had when we were a good couple and i missed him so deeply, and regretted not even lasting a year with him, not even having a christmas together to actually see snow.
i don't know if i want him in my life, i don't know if i am able to have him in my life, but i do think he was a good person and still is. despite it all, i am glad to have known him and was sad to see him go again today.
part of me thinks that moving on is about deleting a person, and dealing with the void they leave after they vacate your life. i don't try to fill friendships once occupied and now absent as holes. i try to let them stay, wear them, be grateful and open to them. something in me says that i don't even need to turn him into an absence, that i can carry him with me forever, love him forever in my own way, which is half nostalgia (there are so many good reasons we aren't together) and half genuine love for another man who deserves happiness on his own terms. i think the healthiest thing i can do is always let myself love him, as i do everyone. and in some way, loving someone who rejects you is about not being afraid of the rejection, which is simply acknowledging the love.
i'm left feeling jealous that he is with someone, and seems happy. jealous of the money he's made and his new move out to williamsburg. i know that in context i will be just as far along and happy as he is in a few years. in fact, i know that my own work on myself (which caused so much of our breakup) will hopefully help me be happy and healthy in ways that he isn't. perhaps that's a small way of diminshing how content he seems as i struggle to find work, to find love, to keep my friends and yet to be authentic and honest and self-loving. but i want so desperately to be myself, to be free, to live the way that i know life is for me, to respond the feelings and sensations it enlivens in me without needing to own or impede others.
in some way, he taught me how and sparked this thinking, though johnny, jeffrey and buddhism have truly set it in motion. marie and others sustain it now, even as i can't keep up with it myself. yeah, in the end, i wished only to hug him, to be told by him that i am still beautiful inside and out, that he loved me, and still does.
relationships don't have to end, though they may change. i think it's okay to say -- i love boswell. i love his smile and his simplicity and his practicality, his doting and his generosity and his gratitude. and so it's easy i guess. i want to be a loving person, my heart to be open, and it just has. like that.
i was thinking on the train tonight that it's hard to love someone who has rejected you. all of the ugly stuff i threw at him, partially to prove my incomprehensibility, feels like my fault. and i had a deep feeling of regret on seeing him happy, and remembering his kindnesses to me. so many of them, the kind of love and doting that i imagined a perfect lover would give, and which also felt hollow somehow because it didn't satisfy.
i relaize now that some of what i wanted from him is what i needed to give myself. and though there are many moments when he was not a good person, perhaps he did his best as much as i did. he certainly doesn't seem riddled with guilt or regret. conversely, he seems happy and fine, and so we sat much in silence and i did my best not to let myself go into his mind, remember how it felt to be loved by him, his face so open and warm, almost like a child when he was, well, with me.
walking through the village together, and allowing for huge gaps in our catching up, the spring cherry blossoms had begun to fall and coat the sidewalk like snow. we went to the park we always did and watched dogs as we always did and he laghed at the butts of the fat ones like he always did. he sat beside me, and i beside him, and i remembered the paired feeling i had when we were a good couple and i missed him so deeply, and regretted not even lasting a year with him, not even having a christmas together to actually see snow.
i don't know if i want him in my life, i don't know if i am able to have him in my life, but i do think he was a good person and still is. despite it all, i am glad to have known him and was sad to see him go again today.
part of me thinks that moving on is about deleting a person, and dealing with the void they leave after they vacate your life. i don't try to fill friendships once occupied and now absent as holes. i try to let them stay, wear them, be grateful and open to them. something in me says that i don't even need to turn him into an absence, that i can carry him with me forever, love him forever in my own way, which is half nostalgia (there are so many good reasons we aren't together) and half genuine love for another man who deserves happiness on his own terms. i think the healthiest thing i can do is always let myself love him, as i do everyone. and in some way, loving someone who rejects you is about not being afraid of the rejection, which is simply acknowledging the love.
i'm left feeling jealous that he is with someone, and seems happy. jealous of the money he's made and his new move out to williamsburg. i know that in context i will be just as far along and happy as he is in a few years. in fact, i know that my own work on myself (which caused so much of our breakup) will hopefully help me be happy and healthy in ways that he isn't. perhaps that's a small way of diminshing how content he seems as i struggle to find work, to find love, to keep my friends and yet to be authentic and honest and self-loving. but i want so desperately to be myself, to be free, to live the way that i know life is for me, to respond the feelings and sensations it enlivens in me without needing to own or impede others.
in some way, he taught me how and sparked this thinking, though johnny, jeffrey and buddhism have truly set it in motion. marie and others sustain it now, even as i can't keep up with it myself. yeah, in the end, i wished only to hug him, to be told by him that i am still beautiful inside and out, that he loved me, and still does.
relationships don't have to end, though they may change. i think it's okay to say -- i love boswell. i love his smile and his simplicity and his practicality, his doting and his generosity and his gratitude. and so it's easy i guess. i want to be a loving person, my heart to be open, and it just has. like that.