Longing to Belong - Chapter 19
Chapter 19
Birch Creek, December 2002
Despite his reassurances to Rachel, weeks passed quickly without Teaspoon uttering a word of his secret to Lou. His intentions were genuine; he really meant to speak to his daughter, but in the very last minute he always lost his nerve. When he thought how good things were with Rachel and with Lou, each in their separate compartments, he realized he did not want to rock the boat. Rachel had not mentioned the matter again, and their relationship progressed at the pace that they liked.
They still met almost every day at lunchtime, and whenever Teaspoon had an excuse for Lou, they could afford some other rendezvous. Like this weekend, when Louise was away on a camping trip with her school, he had come up with the idea of spending these two days away as well. Rachel had loved his suggestion, especially as he had included her two sons. Teaspoon had already met them once, and although it had been awkward at first, the boys seemed to have warmed to him in the end, or maybe they had pretended to like him for their mother’s sake.
When Teaspoon put forward the idea of the weekend away, he had imagined that the two boys would refuse to join them. However, to his surprise, they had accepted to tag along, so a problem presented itself then. Where did one take a fifteen-year-old and his seventeen-year-old brother, and still make it a romantic escapade for their mother? Finally, it was Rachel - naturally - who sorted out the matter. There was a resort some four hours from where they lived. It was the kind that catered for all families’ needs. The place had a full program of sports activities, which the boys were keen on trying. “That’ll keep them entertained and out of our hair,” Rachel had said. The resort lay in a bucolic setting, in a valley between mountain, so they would have plenty of opportunities to enjoy some romantic strolls and the breathtaking landscape.
Booking a bungalow for four in the resort had not been cheap, but he hoped it was worth it. The only extra problem that troubled Teaspoon was that it was going to be too awkward for him to share a bedroom with Rachel when her sons were there. However, the boys did not comment anything when they finally reached their destination on Friday evening. Actually, it was the boys who took their mother’s and Teaspoon’s luggage from the car and took it to their room.
“Hey, Teaspoon. What do you think?”
Teaspoon raised his eyes from the newspaper to find Rachel’s youngest son in some very bizarre attire. Billy, or Cody as the boy would rather be called, had a somehow effervescent personality, and his constant search for humor in everything made him a quite colorful personage. On this occasion, he was wearing a bright red onesie, a yellow towel wrapped around his shoulders as if it were a cloak. The most puzzling thing was that he had managed to fit a yellow kitchen glove around the contour of his blonde head, and the glove fingers stood on end as if they were a crest.
“What… what on earth are you wearing, boy?”
“A costume. There’s a contest in the pavilion this morning. I plan to win it and impress the girls.”
Teaspoon did not comment on his words. He very much doubted that the boy would impress any girl in that get-up. However, his brother, who had quietly come out of his bedroom had no such qualms to speak his mind. “All you’ll be impressing is the hens in the barn, and in the best case, they’ll be more scared than anything else.”
“Keep your remarks to yourself, Jimmy. I know what I’m doing. I’m just using some wit and humor to gain women’s hearts.”
“Then how come there aren’t hordes of girls after you? The way you make a laughing stock of yourself on a daily basis should make you a heartbreaker, but unfortunately for you, your theory clearly doesn’t stand.”
“The fact that you don’t see my admirers doesn’t mean they don’t exist.”
Jimmy smirked. “Oh so you admit it then? You are a laughing stock?”
Teaspoon couldn’t help but grin in amusement. Bickering between these two was a constant routine, and rather than animosity it simply was a sign of the good vibe between them. It was obvious that they enjoyed the pique, and there was no alacrity or a desire to hurt each other, but just the way these two boys communicated.
“And aren’t you joining your brother in this costume contest, Jimmy?” Teaspoon asked. The seventeen-year-old boy was in his usual attire of blue jeans and white T-shirt. Today he was also wearing a tan jacket instead of his usual leather one.
“Against my better judgment, I am,” Jimmy replied, and at Teaspoon’s questioning expression, he added, “I go as a cowboy.” And tehn for demonstration he placed a black hat on his head. The hat which was wide-brimmed and curvy-shaped crown, looked more like the headwear a priest from yesteryear would wear than a cowboy. Yet, Teaspoon had the hunch that if Jimmy had convinced himself that he was a real cowboy in this dubious outfit then he would persuade anyone. From the stories Rachel had regaled him with, Teaspoon knew that Jimmy was very different from his younger brother. Just chalk and cheese, Rachel usually said. Jimmy was a passionate, young man, often a hothead, who seemed to be made of sterner stuff than he really was. Rachel always said that her middle son was a softie inside, and his secret vulnerability had made him prey to pain in his short experience in love.
“I hope you guys have fun.” Teaspoon shifted his attention to his cell phone that started beeping. Lou’s name popped on the lit screen next to a tiny envelope. This was the first time Lou had gone away without him, so being the worrywart he was when Lou was concerned, Teaspoon had bought her the phone so that he could get hold of her at any given time. He pressed the button on his own phone to read her text. “Miss you, daddy. Don’t get too bored without me. Love xxx.”
Teaspoon couldn’t help but feel a tight pressure in his chest as guilt and shame struck him strongly. There was no excuse for this continuous lying he was doing. He claimed he loved Lou more than life itself, but here he was, being dishonest with her when there was no reason. Why should he feel afraid to tell Lou he was in love?
Aware of some movement by his side, he looked up to find Rachel, whose eyes were also directed to the text on his phone. Teaspoon met her gaze and tried to smile. “She must be tinkering with her new phone. You can’t imagine how excited she was when I gave it to her.”
Rachel nodded her head, but her mind was somewhere else rather than in his words. “You know, she should have been here with us.”
His smile faded as she voiced what his heart was crying out. “After Christmas.” Rachel scrunched up her face questioningly, and Teaspoon repeated, “After Christmas. I’ll tell her about us after Christmas. It’s a promise.”
Rachel smiled and caressed his face. “Oh thank you!” she exclaimed jovially, and then she swiveled around and walked out onto their bungalow porch from where she could see her two sons, winding down the patch towards the main pavilion. After Teaspoon’s announcement she felt high in spirits. If he intended to tell his daughter, that surely meant that they were both in the same place. Rachel was aware that Teaspoon had already shown her, if not always in words, in facts, how serious he was about her. He was the first one who had declared his love, and it had been his idea to meet her sons. And this weekend away had also come from him. No, Rachel could not question his feelings and intentions. Yet, telling his daughter would be the ultimate proof of his love and commitment. And when Louise knew, things would change for the better. They wouldn’t have to be secretive about their relationship any longer, and that meant they could meet more often. Yet, things were definitely about to change for the better.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
January 2003
Christmas and New Year came and went discreetly. Teaspoon took some time off work and spent every minute of the day with his daughter. That meant he had not seen Rachel at all during the holidays. Their only communication was on the phone, but Rachel had no complaints. She understood he had to devote this time to Lou, and even when his children flew to San Francisco to be with their father, she never demanded Teaspoon go and see her. He was sure she must have felt very lonely on her own, but Rachel was not a moaner and had a very generous nature.
It was the last day before he had to return to work and Lou to school when Teaspoon decided to tackle the matter. This time he wouldn’t chicken out, but that did not mean he was not nervous and anxious. For weeks now he had mentally rehearsed how to tell Lou about Rachel, but every single time he came up with a different approach. There was no reason to believe she would react with hostility, but Teaspoon was aware that Lou would realize that he had hidden something this important from her for months. He told himself he had not exactly lied, but he couldn’t boast of being honest either. Lou might feel hurt, but he also knew she was reasonable and sensible girl, and they could talk things through.
That evening Teaspoon decided to do something nice for her. Lou had been pestering him for days about going to the ice rink in town, but so far Teaspoon had managed to put her off. His idea of fun was far from making a fool of himself by slipping and falling over repeatedly in front of a crowd. However, the sacrifice now seemed to be worth its while, especially after seeing Lou’s expression of utter happiness when he told her.
His expectations had been right. Teaspoon found himself flat on the iced surfaced of the rink more often than standing on his hired skates. This was a skill he would never be able to master. Calling what he was doing skating was a clear overstatement. He could be content with being able stand for five minutes, and as soon as he dared to glide one of his feet, his whole body seemed unable to follow suit, betraying him and making him fall. The difference between him and Lou was massive. She happily glided about the rink as if he had done it every single day of her life. Teaspoon wondered how she had learnt to skate. As long as she’d lived with him, they had never set foot, or in this case, skate in a rink, and even if they had, he couldn’t learn himself, let alone teach somebody else. So maybe it had been before he had married her mother, but Lou must have been very young. In any case, he had to admit that despite the repeated falls, he was happy to have agreed to come here if only to hear her laughter and see her big smile.
After handing back their hired skates to the manager, Teaspoon suggested they go for a walk. “I wish I didn’t have to go back to school tomorrow,” Louise sighed as she locked at him with her big, brown eyes. Teaspoon smiled ruefully. As they sauntered side by side, he realized how much she had grown, and soon she’d be as tall as him, or maybe taller. Her mother had been in the shortish side, and Lou seemed to share her petite, elfin features. Teaspoon could envision the beauty she would become one day, and even now, with her woolen hat almost reaching her eyes and the thick scarf covering her neck and part of her chin, he could see how pretty her face was. It saddened him to think she was growing up too fast, and it was frightening to imagine the future when her girl would not need him any longer.
There was a woman selling roasted chestnuts, and Lou wanted some. So Teaspoon bought her a portion, which the woman wrapped in a newspaper cone. “Let’s sit here, dad,” Lou said when she spied a bench a few feet from where they were.
While Lou busied herself with peeling the chestnuts and eating them, Teaspoon knew the moment had come. However, he did not rush to talk, and kept watching her nimble fingers get dirty with soot as they removed the outer skin of the chestnut, which instantly afterwards she devoured.
“Lou… there is something I need to tell you,” Teaspoon started hesitantly, and when Lou turned her complete attention to him, he added, “I… I’ve met someone.”
The chestnut she was holding with her fingers dropped and rolled on the ground at her feet. “In the movies when a male character says that, it means it’s a woman, and they’re… you know, an item.”
Teaspoon coughed uncomfortably, fidgeting on the bench. “Her… her name’s Rachel, and she’s a good woman. I’ve known her for a while now, but I didn’t say anything to you because… because I didn’t want you to worry.”
“Then why are you telling me now?”
Lou’s eyes were bright, and the happy, serene expression that she had sported until now had vanished, and instead she looked contrary and defying. Teaspoon reached for her hand and pressed it between his own. “Because she wants to meet you. She knows how important my girl is to me - she’s a mom herself. So I thought we could invite her to dinner at home next week.”
“What if I don’t want to meet her?”
Teaspoon sighed. “I hope you understand how important this is to your old father and try to make an effort.”
Lou silently stared at him, hating the way he had knocked down her argument. She was angry… very angry and didn’t understand why had to go and find himself a girlfriend. They were doing fine… just the two of them together. Why did he have to spoil things now? Lou didn’t wan to meet this woman now, or in the future, and right now she hated her with a passion she hadn’t known before. Who did the woman believe she was to ruin everything for her? Didn’t dad understand what was happening?
The words threatened to spill out of her mouth. She felt angry and miserable, and she really wanted to hurt someone. Yet, she did not do anything her broken heart pushed her to do. Instead, she simply rose to her feet, and in a deadpan tone, she said, “I want to go home.” Those were the last words Teaspoon would hear her utter that night as they returned to their apartment in absolute, complete silence.
Birch Creek, December 2002
Despite his reassurances to Rachel, weeks passed quickly without Teaspoon uttering a word of his secret to Lou. His intentions were genuine; he really meant to speak to his daughter, but in the very last minute he always lost his nerve. When he thought how good things were with Rachel and with Lou, each in their separate compartments, he realized he did not want to rock the boat. Rachel had not mentioned the matter again, and their relationship progressed at the pace that they liked.
They still met almost every day at lunchtime, and whenever Teaspoon had an excuse for Lou, they could afford some other rendezvous. Like this weekend, when Louise was away on a camping trip with her school, he had come up with the idea of spending these two days away as well. Rachel had loved his suggestion, especially as he had included her two sons. Teaspoon had already met them once, and although it had been awkward at first, the boys seemed to have warmed to him in the end, or maybe they had pretended to like him for their mother’s sake.
When Teaspoon put forward the idea of the weekend away, he had imagined that the two boys would refuse to join them. However, to his surprise, they had accepted to tag along, so a problem presented itself then. Where did one take a fifteen-year-old and his seventeen-year-old brother, and still make it a romantic escapade for their mother? Finally, it was Rachel - naturally - who sorted out the matter. There was a resort some four hours from where they lived. It was the kind that catered for all families’ needs. The place had a full program of sports activities, which the boys were keen on trying. “That’ll keep them entertained and out of our hair,” Rachel had said. The resort lay in a bucolic setting, in a valley between mountain, so they would have plenty of opportunities to enjoy some romantic strolls and the breathtaking landscape.
Booking a bungalow for four in the resort had not been cheap, but he hoped it was worth it. The only extra problem that troubled Teaspoon was that it was going to be too awkward for him to share a bedroom with Rachel when her sons were there. However, the boys did not comment anything when they finally reached their destination on Friday evening. Actually, it was the boys who took their mother’s and Teaspoon’s luggage from the car and took it to their room.
“Hey, Teaspoon. What do you think?”
Teaspoon raised his eyes from the newspaper to find Rachel’s youngest son in some very bizarre attire. Billy, or Cody as the boy would rather be called, had a somehow effervescent personality, and his constant search for humor in everything made him a quite colorful personage. On this occasion, he was wearing a bright red onesie, a yellow towel wrapped around his shoulders as if it were a cloak. The most puzzling thing was that he had managed to fit a yellow kitchen glove around the contour of his blonde head, and the glove fingers stood on end as if they were a crest.
“What… what on earth are you wearing, boy?”
“A costume. There’s a contest in the pavilion this morning. I plan to win it and impress the girls.”
Teaspoon did not comment on his words. He very much doubted that the boy would impress any girl in that get-up. However, his brother, who had quietly come out of his bedroom had no such qualms to speak his mind. “All you’ll be impressing is the hens in the barn, and in the best case, they’ll be more scared than anything else.”
“Keep your remarks to yourself, Jimmy. I know what I’m doing. I’m just using some wit and humor to gain women’s hearts.”
“Then how come there aren’t hordes of girls after you? The way you make a laughing stock of yourself on a daily basis should make you a heartbreaker, but unfortunately for you, your theory clearly doesn’t stand.”
“The fact that you don’t see my admirers doesn’t mean they don’t exist.”
Jimmy smirked. “Oh so you admit it then? You are a laughing stock?”
Teaspoon couldn’t help but grin in amusement. Bickering between these two was a constant routine, and rather than animosity it simply was a sign of the good vibe between them. It was obvious that they enjoyed the pique, and there was no alacrity or a desire to hurt each other, but just the way these two boys communicated.
“And aren’t you joining your brother in this costume contest, Jimmy?” Teaspoon asked. The seventeen-year-old boy was in his usual attire of blue jeans and white T-shirt. Today he was also wearing a tan jacket instead of his usual leather one.
“Against my better judgment, I am,” Jimmy replied, and at Teaspoon’s questioning expression, he added, “I go as a cowboy.” And tehn for demonstration he placed a black hat on his head. The hat which was wide-brimmed and curvy-shaped crown, looked more like the headwear a priest from yesteryear would wear than a cowboy. Yet, Teaspoon had the hunch that if Jimmy had convinced himself that he was a real cowboy in this dubious outfit then he would persuade anyone. From the stories Rachel had regaled him with, Teaspoon knew that Jimmy was very different from his younger brother. Just chalk and cheese, Rachel usually said. Jimmy was a passionate, young man, often a hothead, who seemed to be made of sterner stuff than he really was. Rachel always said that her middle son was a softie inside, and his secret vulnerability had made him prey to pain in his short experience in love.
“I hope you guys have fun.” Teaspoon shifted his attention to his cell phone that started beeping. Lou’s name popped on the lit screen next to a tiny envelope. This was the first time Lou had gone away without him, so being the worrywart he was when Lou was concerned, Teaspoon had bought her the phone so that he could get hold of her at any given time. He pressed the button on his own phone to read her text. “Miss you, daddy. Don’t get too bored without me. Love xxx.”
Teaspoon couldn’t help but feel a tight pressure in his chest as guilt and shame struck him strongly. There was no excuse for this continuous lying he was doing. He claimed he loved Lou more than life itself, but here he was, being dishonest with her when there was no reason. Why should he feel afraid to tell Lou he was in love?
Aware of some movement by his side, he looked up to find Rachel, whose eyes were also directed to the text on his phone. Teaspoon met her gaze and tried to smile. “She must be tinkering with her new phone. You can’t imagine how excited she was when I gave it to her.”
Rachel nodded her head, but her mind was somewhere else rather than in his words. “You know, she should have been here with us.”
His smile faded as she voiced what his heart was crying out. “After Christmas.” Rachel scrunched up her face questioningly, and Teaspoon repeated, “After Christmas. I’ll tell her about us after Christmas. It’s a promise.”
Rachel smiled and caressed his face. “Oh thank you!” she exclaimed jovially, and then she swiveled around and walked out onto their bungalow porch from where she could see her two sons, winding down the patch towards the main pavilion. After Teaspoon’s announcement she felt high in spirits. If he intended to tell his daughter, that surely meant that they were both in the same place. Rachel was aware that Teaspoon had already shown her, if not always in words, in facts, how serious he was about her. He was the first one who had declared his love, and it had been his idea to meet her sons. And this weekend away had also come from him. No, Rachel could not question his feelings and intentions. Yet, telling his daughter would be the ultimate proof of his love and commitment. And when Louise knew, things would change for the better. They wouldn’t have to be secretive about their relationship any longer, and that meant they could meet more often. Yet, things were definitely about to change for the better.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
January 2003
Christmas and New Year came and went discreetly. Teaspoon took some time off work and spent every minute of the day with his daughter. That meant he had not seen Rachel at all during the holidays. Their only communication was on the phone, but Rachel had no complaints. She understood he had to devote this time to Lou, and even when his children flew to San Francisco to be with their father, she never demanded Teaspoon go and see her. He was sure she must have felt very lonely on her own, but Rachel was not a moaner and had a very generous nature.
It was the last day before he had to return to work and Lou to school when Teaspoon decided to tackle the matter. This time he wouldn’t chicken out, but that did not mean he was not nervous and anxious. For weeks now he had mentally rehearsed how to tell Lou about Rachel, but every single time he came up with a different approach. There was no reason to believe she would react with hostility, but Teaspoon was aware that Lou would realize that he had hidden something this important from her for months. He told himself he had not exactly lied, but he couldn’t boast of being honest either. Lou might feel hurt, but he also knew she was reasonable and sensible girl, and they could talk things through.
That evening Teaspoon decided to do something nice for her. Lou had been pestering him for days about going to the ice rink in town, but so far Teaspoon had managed to put her off. His idea of fun was far from making a fool of himself by slipping and falling over repeatedly in front of a crowd. However, the sacrifice now seemed to be worth its while, especially after seeing Lou’s expression of utter happiness when he told her.
His expectations had been right. Teaspoon found himself flat on the iced surfaced of the rink more often than standing on his hired skates. This was a skill he would never be able to master. Calling what he was doing skating was a clear overstatement. He could be content with being able stand for five minutes, and as soon as he dared to glide one of his feet, his whole body seemed unable to follow suit, betraying him and making him fall. The difference between him and Lou was massive. She happily glided about the rink as if he had done it every single day of her life. Teaspoon wondered how she had learnt to skate. As long as she’d lived with him, they had never set foot, or in this case, skate in a rink, and even if they had, he couldn’t learn himself, let alone teach somebody else. So maybe it had been before he had married her mother, but Lou must have been very young. In any case, he had to admit that despite the repeated falls, he was happy to have agreed to come here if only to hear her laughter and see her big smile.
After handing back their hired skates to the manager, Teaspoon suggested they go for a walk. “I wish I didn’t have to go back to school tomorrow,” Louise sighed as she locked at him with her big, brown eyes. Teaspoon smiled ruefully. As they sauntered side by side, he realized how much she had grown, and soon she’d be as tall as him, or maybe taller. Her mother had been in the shortish side, and Lou seemed to share her petite, elfin features. Teaspoon could envision the beauty she would become one day, and even now, with her woolen hat almost reaching her eyes and the thick scarf covering her neck and part of her chin, he could see how pretty her face was. It saddened him to think she was growing up too fast, and it was frightening to imagine the future when her girl would not need him any longer.
There was a woman selling roasted chestnuts, and Lou wanted some. So Teaspoon bought her a portion, which the woman wrapped in a newspaper cone. “Let’s sit here, dad,” Lou said when she spied a bench a few feet from where they were.
While Lou busied herself with peeling the chestnuts and eating them, Teaspoon knew the moment had come. However, he did not rush to talk, and kept watching her nimble fingers get dirty with soot as they removed the outer skin of the chestnut, which instantly afterwards she devoured.
“Lou… there is something I need to tell you,” Teaspoon started hesitantly, and when Lou turned her complete attention to him, he added, “I… I’ve met someone.”
The chestnut she was holding with her fingers dropped and rolled on the ground at her feet. “In the movies when a male character says that, it means it’s a woman, and they’re… you know, an item.”
Teaspoon coughed uncomfortably, fidgeting on the bench. “Her… her name’s Rachel, and she’s a good woman. I’ve known her for a while now, but I didn’t say anything to you because… because I didn’t want you to worry.”
“Then why are you telling me now?”
Lou’s eyes were bright, and the happy, serene expression that she had sported until now had vanished, and instead she looked contrary and defying. Teaspoon reached for her hand and pressed it between his own. “Because she wants to meet you. She knows how important my girl is to me - she’s a mom herself. So I thought we could invite her to dinner at home next week.”
“What if I don’t want to meet her?”
Teaspoon sighed. “I hope you understand how important this is to your old father and try to make an effort.”
Lou silently stared at him, hating the way he had knocked down her argument. She was angry… very angry and didn’t understand why had to go and find himself a girlfriend. They were doing fine… just the two of them together. Why did he have to spoil things now? Lou didn’t wan to meet this woman now, or in the future, and right now she hated her with a passion she hadn’t known before. Who did the woman believe she was to ruin everything for her? Didn’t dad understand what was happening?
The words threatened to spill out of her mouth. She felt angry and miserable, and she really wanted to hurt someone. Yet, she did not do anything her broken heart pushed her to do. Instead, she simply rose to her feet, and in a deadpan tone, she said, “I want to go home.” Those were the last words Teaspoon would hear her utter that night as they returned to their apartment in absolute, complete silence.