Disclaimer: Don't try ANY OF THIS. I'm COMPLETELY INSANE.
I went to see Thoreau/Tator Junktion/3 Foot Fall(or something along those lines) tonight. I went with a pretty girl named Anastasia (code-named to protect the innocent). Unfortunately, she was in Spring Hill so I had to drive a bit to pick her up.
Sounds pretty ordinary. Also ordinarily, I got lost. Very lost, in their heinous, convoluted neighborhoods for half an hour. You know how it is, it happens to everybody at some point. You get lost in a very empty, tangled suburb at night. You begin driving carelessly. At one point, I decided to make a U-turn in the middle of an intersection!
Perfectly fine, right? Everybody’s done it. Nobody’s around. It’s a nice, wide area, so you merely turn around. Not exactly legal, but nothing dangerous about it. So I did. However, as I was coming out of the turn, I catch a glimpse of a cop car hit his lights at the end of the road as I was making this illegal U-Turn. “Fuck! Not again! I don’t want a ticket!” I knew I would get one, as it’s the last day of the month and they’re grinding out tickets for their quotas! So I did what every responsible, law-abiding citizen does when they’re being pulled over.
I floored it. Fucking FLOORED it. “But Ed! You’re in a foreign, confusing neighborhood you’ve been unable to navigate your way out of for the better part of the hour, going endlessly in circles!” you say. This, my friends, was not apparent to me. I gunned it anyway. I took a couple of hard turns. For the first time in about ten minutes, a couple of cars were around, so I made a quick three-pointer in somebody’s driveway. His headlights had not been on yet when I floored it, so I figured he would not easily be able to identify my car. And he didn’t! I got away scott-fucking-free,
About ten minutes later, she’s finally in the car, I’m not lost, and we’re on a main road. Things are good. However, things are late. An hour late!
It does not end now with “Boy, Ed, you got really lucky! I hope you learned your lesson!” I was late. I hate being late. Once again, I did what any responsible, law-abiding citizen does. I drove 65 in a 40.
“You just passed a state trooper, you should probably slow down.”
“Bullshit! I didn’t see anybody.”
Seeking confirmation, I look in the rear view. I see nothing but.. flashing lights. I was getting pulled over. AGAIN.
It does not end here with, “Boy, Ed, you should’ve learned your lesson when you got lucky the first time! Now you’re paying for your negligence of the traffic laws!” Acting instinctively,
I floored it. Again. I must stress, this was less than half an hour after illegally avoiding a police officer and getting away with it, I yell “FUCK!” out loud, and I floor it. This time, on a main road. He tries to pull out, but apparently misjudges traffic, and is now seven to ten cars behind me. I pull a ridiculous power-slide off of the road, towards a shopping plaza, where I slide into an empty parking spot among other cars and kill my lights. I wait for the inevitable. I was going to get a ticket. Or worse- arrested for my obvious attempt at evading him. Of course he saw me. Barely any time passed without visibility, only a mere five seconds or so.
Five minutes pass. No lights. No guns. I ease out of my spot, and go on my merry way. The concert was enjoyable.
Let this be a lesson. Don’t play Grand Theft Auto, and don’t try to evade the police. Unless you’re really really sure that you’ll get away with it.
Sounds pretty ordinary. Also ordinarily, I got lost. Very lost, in their heinous, convoluted neighborhoods for half an hour. You know how it is, it happens to everybody at some point. You get lost in a very empty, tangled suburb at night. You begin driving carelessly. At one point, I decided to make a U-turn in the middle of an intersection!
Perfectly fine, right? Everybody’s done it. Nobody’s around. It’s a nice, wide area, so you merely turn around. Not exactly legal, but nothing dangerous about it. So I did. However, as I was coming out of the turn, I catch a glimpse of a cop car hit his lights at the end of the road as I was making this illegal U-Turn. “Fuck! Not again! I don’t want a ticket!” I knew I would get one, as it’s the last day of the month and they’re grinding out tickets for their quotas! So I did what every responsible, law-abiding citizen does when they’re being pulled over.
I floored it. Fucking FLOORED it. “But Ed! You’re in a foreign, confusing neighborhood you’ve been unable to navigate your way out of for the better part of the hour, going endlessly in circles!” you say. This, my friends, was not apparent to me. I gunned it anyway. I took a couple of hard turns. For the first time in about ten minutes, a couple of cars were around, so I made a quick three-pointer in somebody’s driveway. His headlights had not been on yet when I floored it, so I figured he would not easily be able to identify my car. And he didn’t! I got away scott-fucking-free,
About ten minutes later, she’s finally in the car, I’m not lost, and we’re on a main road. Things are good. However, things are late. An hour late!
It does not end now with “Boy, Ed, you got really lucky! I hope you learned your lesson!” I was late. I hate being late. Once again, I did what any responsible, law-abiding citizen does. I drove 65 in a 40.
“You just passed a state trooper, you should probably slow down.”
“Bullshit! I didn’t see anybody.”
Seeking confirmation, I look in the rear view. I see nothing but.. flashing lights. I was getting pulled over. AGAIN.
It does not end here with, “Boy, Ed, you should’ve learned your lesson when you got lucky the first time! Now you’re paying for your negligence of the traffic laws!” Acting instinctively,
I floored it. Again. I must stress, this was less than half an hour after illegally avoiding a police officer and getting away with it, I yell “FUCK!” out loud, and I floor it. This time, on a main road. He tries to pull out, but apparently misjudges traffic, and is now seven to ten cars behind me. I pull a ridiculous power-slide off of the road, towards a shopping plaza, where I slide into an empty parking spot among other cars and kill my lights. I wait for the inevitable. I was going to get a ticket. Or worse- arrested for my obvious attempt at evading him. Of course he saw me. Barely any time passed without visibility, only a mere five seconds or so.
Five minutes pass. No lights. No guns. I ease out of my spot, and go on my merry way. The concert was enjoyable.
Let this be a lesson. Don’t play Grand Theft Auto, and don’t try to evade the police. Unless you’re really really sure that you’ll get away with it.