So far from shores I've left behind, still far from shores I've yet to reach
I want to go home. I'm having a bad day in a spectacularly boring way, and I want to go home. I've been in Taiwan 3 months now, and I've been homesick plenty of times; I've wished I could be at home, without feeling the desire to actually go--but I feel it now. It's not so much homesickness as the inability to feel excited or optimistic about staying here. I don't like my job and I don't like my apartment and I'm no good at keeping in touch with people and that's just the tip of the iceberg of things I'm no good at. I can't remember why I wanted to come here and I'm totally failing to deal with the various issues I brought with me. I won't actually leave, I'll stick it out and stay here at least my full year, but the prospect that maybe I won't get better, that maybe I'm looking at 9 months of just getting by and never actually flourishing, terrifies me.
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Stuff building up to this: I got dreadfully sick (flu) last weekend and missed two days of work--altogether spending a total of four days doing almost nothing but sleeping. I'm still recovering and now have a lovely little cough for a keepsake. My tiny apartment feels claustrophobic and lonely, and I can't seem to reach out for the human interaction that I know is right there. I'm sick of eating the same food all the time and not being able to cook for myself (my apartment has no kitchen). I miss my books and DVDs and video games. I miss my comfort foods. I miss dressing well--I had to leave a lot of clothes and shoes behind. Oh, and I finally got info about Mandarin classes at work, and was all ready and eager to sign up, but turns out there isn't really a class for my level. False hope! Now what?
On top of which, I'm basically a big fat lump of uselessness? I'm fairly convinced of this right now. And- and- this isn't even what I wanted to say. I'm so frustrated at the moment because I'm failing to express
FUCK IT. Have a sad picture:
