ask and ye shall receive...
I was somewhat distraught for most of the day over the breakup with T; going through the whole routine of asking myself if I was making a mistake by letting him go so easily, asking myself if maybe we were making a mistake. When thoughts of T. would dissipate my head would turn to the reorganizaton at work, and whether I should go to london, and whether I should get surgery, and thoughts concerning a childhood friend of mine who recently came clean with some sad, potentially life-threatening news. Ultimately it would all funnel back to T.
Are we making a mistake?
I took an early lunch break and actually ran on the treadmill for the first time in ages. I RAN. It was awesome, but not enough to expend what I wanted to get out.
Towards the end of the day I was feeling rather sad, and worked up, and not wanting to come home because I didn't want to sit in my room and count the hours till it was bed time, wondering if he would call and knowing he wouldn't. At about 630 I left work and walked down to Chinatown, bought a pack of ciggies on the way, and wandered through the ailes of H&M once I'd gotten there, all with a furious sense of purpose. No thinking. No dwelling. No asking myself questions I already know the answers to.
Are we making a mistake?
After I was done with H&M I started walking towards the MCI Center, thinking that the GAP or Benetton might provide more distraction. On the way saw the St. Patrick Church on G, and thought to myself that I'd always liked the way that church looked. Apoptygma Bezerk was playing in my mp3 player.
I'm waiting for the sign
have to leave this place behind
Where no one knows my name
And later we'll come down
We'll both break down and cry our last good bye
With no purpose at the moment beyond killing time, I thought that I should check it out and walked into the church. There was a mass in session, so i wandered off to a little side corridor, where there was a marble fountain for holy water. I walked up to it, intending to make the sign of the cross, but it was empty.
One of the things i particularly like about the catholic ritual; Of course it would be empty.
The priest was talking about how it's every person's duty as a Christian to make themselves pleasing to the eyes of the Father; I've never been too keen on the idea that God sees us as dirty little creatures, maggots, if you will, so i quickly tuned the priest out and sat on a little bench, and just tried to soak in the quiet that always seems to emanate from marble and archways.
So i sat there, mulling things over and looking at the arched ceiling. I took a deep breath in and closed my eyes, leaning back against the cool wall. "Ok, dude." I thought. "What should I do here?"
I opened my eyes, stared at the stained glass window, a picture of Jesus standing in some water. All of a sudden the priest's voice pushed forward from the recesses of my mind that I'd relagated it to, right out front for me to hear: "Being young and single is the greatest gift that God can give you."
Startled, I took note of the sermon for a second. A couple sentences about how people far too often rush into marriage because they think that it's the appropriate time, trying to force themselves into being something they're not, when really, it's the single people who have free reign to make the most impact in the name of the Lord, or something like that. Then he said it again, and once again, the sentence pushed to the front of my head.
"Being young and single is the greatest gift that God can give you."
I started to laugh. "Well. I guess I know what I should do then, huh, big guy?"
I stood up smiling. As I walked away i felt so unbelievably light, and happy, and loved; all the angst about the T. situation just melted away, suddenly seeming like little more than childish self-indulgence. By the time I called aniika and told her the story, I was literally giggling as I walked down the street. I giggled to myself and danced on the metro platform.
I just felt ridiculously happy, and bebopped in my seat to my music all the way home.
I guess I got my answer. :-)
Are we making a mistake?
I took an early lunch break and actually ran on the treadmill for the first time in ages. I RAN. It was awesome, but not enough to expend what I wanted to get out.
Towards the end of the day I was feeling rather sad, and worked up, and not wanting to come home because I didn't want to sit in my room and count the hours till it was bed time, wondering if he would call and knowing he wouldn't. At about 630 I left work and walked down to Chinatown, bought a pack of ciggies on the way, and wandered through the ailes of H&M once I'd gotten there, all with a furious sense of purpose. No thinking. No dwelling. No asking myself questions I already know the answers to.
Are we making a mistake?
After I was done with H&M I started walking towards the MCI Center, thinking that the GAP or Benetton might provide more distraction. On the way saw the St. Patrick Church on G, and thought to myself that I'd always liked the way that church looked. Apoptygma Bezerk was playing in my mp3 player.
I'm waiting for the sign
have to leave this place behind
Where no one knows my name
And later we'll come down
We'll both break down and cry our last good bye
With no purpose at the moment beyond killing time, I thought that I should check it out and walked into the church. There was a mass in session, so i wandered off to a little side corridor, where there was a marble fountain for holy water. I walked up to it, intending to make the sign of the cross, but it was empty.
One of the things i particularly like about the catholic ritual; Of course it would be empty.
The priest was talking about how it's every person's duty as a Christian to make themselves pleasing to the eyes of the Father; I've never been too keen on the idea that God sees us as dirty little creatures, maggots, if you will, so i quickly tuned the priest out and sat on a little bench, and just tried to soak in the quiet that always seems to emanate from marble and archways.
So i sat there, mulling things over and looking at the arched ceiling. I took a deep breath in and closed my eyes, leaning back against the cool wall. "Ok, dude." I thought. "What should I do here?"
I opened my eyes, stared at the stained glass window, a picture of Jesus standing in some water. All of a sudden the priest's voice pushed forward from the recesses of my mind that I'd relagated it to, right out front for me to hear: "Being young and single is the greatest gift that God can give you."
Startled, I took note of the sermon for a second. A couple sentences about how people far too often rush into marriage because they think that it's the appropriate time, trying to force themselves into being something they're not, when really, it's the single people who have free reign to make the most impact in the name of the Lord, or something like that. Then he said it again, and once again, the sentence pushed to the front of my head.
"Being young and single is the greatest gift that God can give you."
I started to laugh. "Well. I guess I know what I should do then, huh, big guy?"
I stood up smiling. As I walked away i felt so unbelievably light, and happy, and loved; all the angst about the T. situation just melted away, suddenly seeming like little more than childish self-indulgence. By the time I called aniika and told her the story, I was literally giggling as I walked down the street. I giggled to myself and danced on the metro platform.
I just felt ridiculously happy, and bebopped in my seat to my music all the way home.
I guess I got my answer. :-)