Just putting this here because I'm too sleepy to actually continue the discourse in my own words. I'm always willing to engage in the most rational explanations I can muster, because it DOES solve more problems that way. But you don't have to tell minorities that; we know. Honey, flies, etc. But it's the constant grating of the everyday biases, bigotry and whatnot, yeah. Sometimes you're not up to calm explanations of why you don't like hearing 'that's so gay' over and over.
Anger is never a good thing; it's yet another side product of what's wrong since oppression breeds frustration. But 'you're being hostile' and 'how can I learn if you don't educate me' are some of the first things on the Derailing for Dummies list for a reason. Cuz on top of bias and bigotry, that's the second thing you often hear right after having to put up with it. Which means on top of putting up with the ever-present hurdles and hate, you have to possess Ghandi-like patience for it as well or else you're the bad guy.
Don't worry, though, you're a good dude because you're doing your part; you're learning and doing your best to remain aware of these matters, and that's a lot more than a ton of guys like you bother with. <3
I don't expect or demand people to educate me. I'm very glad when people do, but I don't expect it - that's nutty.
I just don't appreciate making a mistake and it being assumed that I'm being racist/sexist/anti-homosexual. It really saddens me that there's so many people for whom that's the default reaction, because of what it means that they had to deal with, with the damage they took from people.
My perfect world for things like this would be someone saying "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you" in these situations. Then if someone's being an asshat, you made them restate it and can react accordingly - if anger is justified, then use it.
I'm lucky - and grateful - that I have people who, when I screw up, are willing to grant me the grace that it's not deliberate ism-ing, but ignorance, and that I'm worth poking about screwing up.
Oh, also, on edit: there have been things in my life that I didn't even realize were insulting, because when I was young, it was common to use it. The way that things have changed since my age was in the single digits is fascinating, and I think some of the persistant backlash is "well, when I was a kid, it wasn't that bad a thing to say" and people not wanting to change.
But the rule is 'change or die' and I intend to be immortal, so I have to learn to change for the better.
http://www.derailingfordummies.com/
Just putting this here because I'm too sleepy to actually continue the discourse in my own words. I'm always willing to engage in the most rational explanations I can muster, because it DOES solve more problems that way. But you don't have to tell minorities that; we know. Honey, flies, etc. But it's the constant grating of the everyday biases, bigotry and whatnot, yeah. Sometimes you're not up to calm explanations of why you don't like hearing 'that's so gay' over and over.
Anger is never a good thing; it's yet another side product of what's wrong since oppression breeds frustration. But 'you're being hostile' and 'how can I learn if you don't educate me' are some of the first things on the Derailing for Dummies list for a reason. Cuz on top of bias and bigotry, that's the second thing you often hear right after having to put up with it. Which means on top of putting up with the ever-present hurdles and hate, you have to possess Ghandi-like patience for it as well or else you're the bad guy.
Don't worry, though, you're a good dude because you're doing your part; you're learning and doing your best to remain aware of these matters, and that's a lot more than a ton of guys like you bother with. <3
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I just don't appreciate making a mistake and it being assumed that I'm being racist/sexist/anti-homosexual. It really saddens me that there's so many people for whom that's the default reaction, because of what it means that they had to deal with, with the damage they took from people.
My perfect world for things like this would be someone saying "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you" in these situations. Then if someone's being an asshat, you made them restate it and can react accordingly - if anger is justified, then use it.
I'm lucky - and grateful - that I have people who, when I screw up, are willing to grant me the grace that it's not deliberate ism-ing, but ignorance, and that I'm worth poking about screwing up.
Oh, also, on edit: there have been things in my life that I didn't even realize were insulting, because when I was young, it was common to use it. The way that things have changed since my age was in the single digits is fascinating, and I think some of the persistant backlash is "well, when I was a kid, it wasn't that bad a thing to say" and people not wanting to change.
But the rule is 'change or die' and I intend to be immortal, so I have to learn to change for the better.
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