Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ABSOLUTE GUARENTEED predictions
Now that I have my greatest invention, the "Mystery Machine," functioning again, I can tell the future with 100,000,000 times better accuracy than your average roll-of-the-dice. I have input all 6 extant Harry Potter books into it and here are the top 10 resulting predictions it has uncovered (I promise to not include any spoilers with any level of intention, so if you feel spoiled, mention it to me and I will debunk your fears by citing the truth from any of the 6 Potter books. Or better yet, read the books all the way through yourself, you lazy bums, or read them AGAIN! You'll pick up things...):
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10. Dudley Dursley is actually Albus Dumbledore's grandson and the member of the family that was supposed to have magical powers, not Harry. We discover this on page three, about two and a half paragraphs down. Read between the lines, and you'll know I am telling the truth.
09. After impregnating Hermaione Granger, Ronald Weasley, and Hedwig, Professor snape goes to sire many, MANY more Slytherins-to-be. Everyone from MacGonagal to Madam Hooch is affected by his "Mass Spermo Erectus" Charm when it goes horribly, HORRIBLY wrong on page 957.
08. Mr. Dursley is found to wear women's undergarments in his office when he thinks nobody is watching. Mrs. Dursley knows, and she enjoys wearing HIS unwashed, taint-enriched underwear around the house instead of normal female under-attire. Mr. Dursley is aware of this. Neither is aware that each other knows about their secrets, however, and so they continue wearing uncomfortable, non-crossdressing clothes and grumbling in their unhappiness at one another, longing to be free and crossdress and experience joyous exhuberation. We have seen this all throughout the series, but it comes to a head on page 112.
07. The entire Malfoy family are actually all Hagrid in disguise. Even the long-dead ones in pictures. He is a very evil dark wizard planning on eating Harry.
06. Gringott's bank is taken over by kobolds, who eat all the gold in it, thinking it is a foil wrapping covering chocolate candy. Their hostile takover occurs between pages 16 and 251.
05. On page 99, Harry Potter's wand is found inside the rectum of a 17 ton elephant with elephantitus of the testicles. Mr. Potter will give NO comment as of yet explaining how it got there, but he does not deny that it is HIS wand.
04. The Ministry of Magic is keeping a variety of magical creatures locked up and enslaved in its illegal sex club and prostitution ring. Most are small, furry, and underage. For example, two knuts gets you your choice of an hour with a blast ended screwt, OR niffler, OR flobberworm. For details on these fine creatures, you may look them up on "WIKIPEDIA." There is an extensive listing of magical creatures of the Harry Potter series. No, I will not link you, you have to learn to search for yourselves, children... tsk, tsk, tsk.
03. Harry Potter manages to kill himself in every book and will die again this time. He is actually a re-reverse vampire, craving the sunlight and the darkness in equal amounts, so until someone stakes him in the heart, beheads him, or uses holy water or garlic, he wont' die. He manages to kill his best friend Ron when he rips his neck out for a sip on page 1009.
02. J.K. Rowling is laughing at you right now. She is not a writer at all. In fact, what she actually did is invent a special hallucinogenic paper that makes you an addict, dress funny for conventions and book signings, and markets it inside pretty cover art. Most of the pages are made of discarded dog skins, cocaine, and recycled toilet paper. You just think there's a story because it has hallucinogens in it and you'll pay 20 - 70 bucks per book to get more, More, MORE!!!
01. All Hogwart's students, faculty, and staff poop in a single massive, connected trough as their bathroom. The poop, pee, and other excrements all just go floating down in and out into the magic river that runs directly into all the drinking fountains. "There is no sewage system like the digestive system" is the un-official school motto. The optional super secret appendix when you read the book upside down from front to back in its entirety in a dark room will become apparent. All you need do is believe.
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Well, I hope you have all enjoyed my predictions of what we will find out in the next Harry Potter book. I know I can't wait to prove all 10 of my points right and get a patent on my "Mystery Machine" to go through as a legitimate device.
Oh, and BTW, books 8 - 10 are called, in order:
Harry Potter and the Ball-Gag of Horrors
Harry Potter and the Dripping Diaper
Harry Potter and the Crack Pipe of Toasties
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10. Dudley Dursley is actually Albus Dumbledore's grandson and the member of the family that was supposed to have magical powers, not Harry. We discover this on page three, about two and a half paragraphs down. Read between the lines, and you'll know I am telling the truth.
09. After impregnating Hermaione Granger, Ronald Weasley, and Hedwig, Professor snape goes to sire many, MANY more Slytherins-to-be. Everyone from MacGonagal to Madam Hooch is affected by his "Mass Spermo Erectus" Charm when it goes horribly, HORRIBLY wrong on page 957.
08. Mr. Dursley is found to wear women's undergarments in his office when he thinks nobody is watching. Mrs. Dursley knows, and she enjoys wearing HIS unwashed, taint-enriched underwear around the house instead of normal female under-attire. Mr. Dursley is aware of this. Neither is aware that each other knows about their secrets, however, and so they continue wearing uncomfortable, non-crossdressing clothes and grumbling in their unhappiness at one another, longing to be free and crossdress and experience joyous exhuberation. We have seen this all throughout the series, but it comes to a head on page 112.
07. The entire Malfoy family are actually all Hagrid in disguise. Even the long-dead ones in pictures. He is a very evil dark wizard planning on eating Harry.
06. Gringott's bank is taken over by kobolds, who eat all the gold in it, thinking it is a foil wrapping covering chocolate candy. Their hostile takover occurs between pages 16 and 251.
05. On page 99, Harry Potter's wand is found inside the rectum of a 17 ton elephant with elephantitus of the testicles. Mr. Potter will give NO comment as of yet explaining how it got there, but he does not deny that it is HIS wand.
04. The Ministry of Magic is keeping a variety of magical creatures locked up and enslaved in its illegal sex club and prostitution ring. Most are small, furry, and underage. For example, two knuts gets you your choice of an hour with a blast ended screwt, OR niffler, OR flobberworm. For details on these fine creatures, you may look them up on "WIKIPEDIA." There is an extensive listing of magical creatures of the Harry Potter series. No, I will not link you, you have to learn to search for yourselves, children... tsk, tsk, tsk.
03. Harry Potter manages to kill himself in every book and will die again this time. He is actually a re-reverse vampire, craving the sunlight and the darkness in equal amounts, so until someone stakes him in the heart, beheads him, or uses holy water or garlic, he wont' die. He manages to kill his best friend Ron when he rips his neck out for a sip on page 1009.
02. J.K. Rowling is laughing at you right now. She is not a writer at all. In fact, what she actually did is invent a special hallucinogenic paper that makes you an addict, dress funny for conventions and book signings, and markets it inside pretty cover art. Most of the pages are made of discarded dog skins, cocaine, and recycled toilet paper. You just think there's a story because it has hallucinogens in it and you'll pay 20 - 70 bucks per book to get more, More, MORE!!!
01. All Hogwart's students, faculty, and staff poop in a single massive, connected trough as their bathroom. The poop, pee, and other excrements all just go floating down in and out into the magic river that runs directly into all the drinking fountains. "There is no sewage system like the digestive system" is the un-official school motto. The optional super secret appendix when you read the book upside down from front to back in its entirety in a dark room will become apparent. All you need do is believe.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Well, I hope you have all enjoyed my predictions of what we will find out in the next Harry Potter book. I know I can't wait to prove all 10 of my points right and get a patent on my "Mystery Machine" to go through as a legitimate device.
Oh, and BTW, books 8 - 10 are called, in order:
Harry Potter and the Ball-Gag of Horrors
Harry Potter and the Dripping Diaper
Harry Potter and the Crack Pipe of Toasties